T, D's mom called me today. D's blood tests came back. The blood tests were taken the day that D had her ultrasound. She has chlamydia. OMG. I called difficult child and told him to meet me immediately at the dr's ofc. In fact, our pediatrician. He hasn't had time to find an grown-up dr. And I know from talking to one of the other doctors there (I ran into him at a party) that STDs are the most common item that is seen in their clinic. No, not immunizations. Not broken bones. Not ear infections. STDs. That was yrs ago, but it stuck in my mind. Unfortunately, I was supposed to meet with-difficult child teachers today and had accidentally booked my oral surgeon implant checkup at the same time. I also booked difficult child for his CBC and lithium blood draw, and thc blood and urine tests at 3:45. Did NOT expect this!!! I ran over and changed the surgeon appointment to 4 p.m., then ran to school, shook hands with-2 teachers, apologized, and grabbed a ton of paperwork for difficult child, and ran to meet him at the pediatrician's office. I know that you don't have to test and treat the same day like it's a snake bite, but I also know that difficult child reacts emotionally and this was a strike-while-the-iron-is hot opportunity I could not pass up. His new girlfriend, H, dropped him off, thinking she could wait ... but she had to leave at 3:30. Plus, her phone died. The nurse told difficult child he had to wait 10-20 min before he went home, to see if he had an allergic reaction to the shot they gave him. To add to his alarm and stress, she left and he lost his hope of escape with her. (I think she saw me pull up 15 min after difficult child went in and she ditched out. That's what *I* would have done. ) The dr was very direct and answered all of our questions. difficult child basically sat there and fought tears the entire time. Good news--easy, one-day treatment. Except that the emycin is taken in a single, 4-pill dose, and it makes you nauseated. The dr also said that the ONLY way you can transmit this is sexually. difficult child shook his head. The dr said, "I'm not getting into the middle of this. I'm just telling you that one of you is lying." And, as difficult child discovered, the exam really, really, really hurts. As does the other antibiotic shot. The nurse told him to lie on his stomach, spread his legs, and point his toes outward to relax his buttox. "I didn't know that," I said. "I have a pulled S.I. Joint. Maybe that will help." Turns out, difficult child's symptoms afterward were EXACTLY like my S.I. joint problems. He limped and yelped and groaned and said the pain went all the way down his calf and to his foot. Exactly like mine, I said. He didn't catch that, but I sympathized and also chuckled a bit at the unexpected karma. The dr came in to the room where I waited (I was there for the initial history but left for the sample) and he took a swab with a Qtip from the opening of the p*nis. Then, he gave difficult child a quick lecture on how he has to step up as the father and do the right thing. And he added, "God gave you hands. Forget the sex. use your hand! It's safer!" I burst out laughing and said, "Did you really tell him that? You really said that?" "Yes, I certainly did," he said. I had to re-enter the room and watch difficult child get the nasty butt-shot and had to keep the smile off my face. Then ... after his new girlfriend left, and I had hid behind the foyer door watching to make sure he didn't take off with-her, he came in and got me and we left to go get his "regular" blood draw and THC urine sample. Only 4 blocks away. How convenient. He begged not to, and I said it's best to get this all over with today and gave him NO out. He told me he nearly passed out when the dr did the STD s*men test. (Not sure if the board flags these words so I'm putting asterisks in place of vowels to beat the Bad Word Bot.) The good news is, no allergic reaction to the shot. The bad news is that he immediately texted ex girlfriend and his persistence and perseverance, which can be truly obnoxious and has driven me to tears, paid off. She said she had s*x with-another kid in Feb. But they stopped it because she didn't like it. LIke, mid-stream if not before. Then she said, it was actually only or*l s*x. And plus,Da, they guy, had randomly been tested for this disease and he didn't have it. difficult child looked as me as I was driving and said, "No one would randomly be tested for chlamydia and have something stuck up his p*nis hole--RANDOMLY. He's lying. Plus I know he's been with C, and she's a slut!" We were pulling out of the pharma pkng lot where we picked up the emycin, and who should be getting gas not 300 yds away but D, the guy that D girlfriend said she had O s*x with. difficult child called D immediately -- no texting this time--and yelled, "You know how you said that Da couldn't text you back because he said he had a soccer game? I just saw him and his truck at the gas station. Just thought you might want to know that. He's lying. AGAIN." difficult child said that he and D hadn't had s*x since Dec., before they broke up. But he still thinks that the baby is his because of the timing. And D just had sex with-Da because she'd broken up with difficult child and wanted to be with someone to make her feel better. I told difficult child that if she is lying about this, she could be lying about WHEN. And that I was going to do a paternity test. What he does not know is that while he was in the men's room pe*ing in a cup, I was talking to the nurse and asking if that lab did paternity tests. Yes. But not in-utero. You wait until the baby is born. But we can do difficult child's test any time we want. Meanwhile, difficult child said that he wants to arrange for Da to be jumped. NO!!!! Wait for the test results. Karma will hit him. This could get ugly. Also, I looked up ways to transmit chlamydia. Yes it can be transmitted orally, but the symptoms typically end up also being oral and throat-related.