Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lisa62, Jun 4, 2019.

  1. lisa62

    lisa62 New Member

    I’m new to this group. My son has been homeless for 2 years and a drug addict for 10. I’ve been on this ugly journey and have read books, gone to meetings to work thru, however homeless is a tough rock to carry daily. I’m sure many are in this same situation and that is what directed me to this forum.
  2. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    Hi Lisa- Sorry you had to find us, but we all understand your situation and your pain. My daughter was nominally homeless when her daughter was an infant. By that I mean she couch surfed with whoever would let them stay for however long. My granddaughter is 9 now and in the last 5 years my daughter has really made strides in improving her life. She has had the same job, maintained housing and just recently finished her first year at community college on the dean's list and was accepted to the major university in our town. I'm very proud of her, but I also know it could all collapse tomorrow and she could be back to drinking, etc. I know how stressful it is when you don't know where they are or how they're surviving. Please treat yourself the same way you would a friend going through this. Be kind to yourself and do nice things for yourself. When I was really at the end of my rope with my daughter's situation I would take myself to the movies. If it was a good movie it provided me with a couple of hours where I wasn't thinking about the situation and worrying. I also spent (and still do) a lot of time walking in nature with my dogs. That was very healing and when I walk in nature my brain seems to unwind and figure things out in a more rational way. Remember, this is your son's journey and you can't control it. If your love and care could "fix" him it would have by now. You have to learn to focus on yourself and figure out how you can be healthy and relatively happy regardless of your son's situation. Sending peace to you.
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  3. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    Hi Lisa,
    I have two sons that are homeless, and don't work. They blame me for "everything" and by that I mean anything and everything they don't want to do to care for themselves and still expect me to do for them at 30 yrs. old and 26 yrs. They believe I should provide shelter, food and handle all their problems when they don't even care for themselves. They both have had issues with drugs in the past and are verbally abusive when they don't get what they want. It is exhausting. I try to take it one day at a time and remember they are not children anymore and their perseption of what I should be doing for them and the reality are two different things. The real thing here is that I'm working on that piece too. They try to brainwash me into thinking that it's my responsibility as their Mom to take care of all these things and they do a very good job of it. It's like trying to get unstuck from the mud. I get one foot out and the other is still in. With each step it is harder and harder to move forward as you get worn down. The best suggestion I have had is to take care of myself and to get "stronger" for myself because they may never get better or improve their lives. I have worked hard all my life and I shouldn't have to feel miserable every day because of their poor choices. I have found some great books by Melody Beattie on "Enabling" that have helped me immensely to work my way out of these merkey waters. But it's a long journey. I wish you peace and healing.
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  4. lisa62

    lisa62 New Member

  5. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    All of our kids who bring us here have been appeased at some time and most try to guilt us into doing for them what they should do for themselves.

    I think being a mommy to our kids stops by 21 and being a mother comes after that. Mother is more of a friend and support person. She doesn't pay the bills anymore or put up with abuse.

    Since I did both for so long, I am a strange one to give you this advice. My daughter is 32. Her father and I quit enabling only a little while ago. It has been very hard and we have been cut off by her, as if our function in her life was to pay her bills or else we were not needed. But this time we are determined to feel our hurt, to cry and to not give in to her no matter what. So she won't talk to us or let us see our dear grandson.

    I lost a precious son in a car accident years ago and in some ways this horror show with our daughter hurts more than that. At least we knew our son felt loved by us always and that is comforting. We don't know what our daughter thinks. I grieve her in a different way i grieved our son, but it is still grief.

    I suggest keep going to Al Anon and pray for the strength to do what you know is best for you. It is extremely painful, but it gets a little easier each day. This is hard with no guarantee that our kids will do any better when we withdraw.I appreciate your struggle.
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  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Lisa and welcome to a safe place to share, cry, vent and even laugh at times.
    I have two actively addicted daughters living out there on the streets. Never in a million years would I have guessed this would be the lifestyle they choose, but it is. I don't believe in rock bottom, because they have drilled way beneath it in my point of view. Done just about everything to try and stop the train wreck, but after being mowed down a few too many times, decided to get out of the way and let the chips fall as they may.
    Homeless is a tough rock.
    My eldest even went so far as to pitch a tent a few hundred feet from our house. Now, she is living nearby in a city park, under found tents and makeshift tarps set up on a narrow strip of grass, street side of the sidewalk. Unfortunately there are many areas in the islands with dozens of folks like my two, who find their happiness and lose their souls on meth. She manages to keep herself somewhat clean and well dressed in spite of her surroundings and some folks lined up on this skid row, some wandering around muttering to themselves, covered in filth.
    I wonder if she correlates that this may one day be her, if she continues abusing her body and mind with drugs.
    Her sister, fresh out of jail is off on a bender, her actions even distasteful to her elder like minded sibling, who complains that her thieving has led the police to her area, questions, trouble.
    I go through stages of being able to pray for them both and trust that God will watch over them, to suffering the macabre grieving over someone still living. I let myself grieve, I am their mother. Acknowledging and allowing our emotions to flow through us, processing is so important to living through this. Then, I do my utmost to get back up and start all over again.
    Life is too precious to go down by the wayside with this.
    My mantra is that by our deciding to live well, we are showing our wayward adult kids that they can too.
    Addiction may have them tightly in their grips, I won't allow it spread its poison in my household, my life.
    That is a waste of three lives.
    Try not to write the end of the story. Where there is life, there is hope. Take each day at time and take time to take good care of yourself.
    I am glad that you posted, it is good to get your story out where folks understand what you are going through.
    Please know you are not alone.
    Welcome and
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  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hi Lisa,

    Good description a hard rock to carry. When my son was 19 he was in jail and we thought that was the worst thing a parent could go through... it is what finally got me to go to al-anon and find this site. That was 8 years ago. After that my son was homeless a couple of different times, once in Denver in the middle of winter. And that was the hardest time for me on this journey. As you say a hard rock to carry daily. The next time he went to jail we were glad...literally relieved because then at least we knew he was relatively safe, had a place to sleep and food to eat. How nutty to be glad your kid is in jail.

    Now my son is doing somewhat better....although I wouldnt say he is free and clear of his issues including substance abuse but he is doing better.

    More importantly I am doing better at living my life and not obsessing over what is going on with him.

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  8. Thank you for sharing your story and to all of you who wrote. I have gained so much in reading every response. My son is 24 1/2 and if he keeps traveling the road of alcohol abuse/weed, he will lose his apartment and face eviction as well. I think of that often. What will happen to his things, etc. Will he finally break down and call us asking for help...
    We have been on this road for quite a few years, this last one was more intense. I know one thing for sure and that is God has been with us every step of the way. Between sending signs and planting people in my son's path to catch his attention just for a moment where he stops and thinks "wow, what are the chances of that happening?" God has saved him numerous times from situations that could have been fatal but he didn't have a scratch.
    I know God is trying to reach him. When my son will allow God in, I am not sure. I do feel when that happens, my son will turn around.
    Like others have said, I cry somedays mourning my son who is still alive. I want to be able to pick up the phone and just talk to him without watching every word. I want him to care about what is going on in our lives. Instead, he lives in his own world thinking that we are horrible parents because we stopped enabling. Not sure if he will ever come around, I pray he does.
    My dad had a mild heart attack 2 weeks ago. I know he just wants to live long enough to see his grandson sober and back to the young man he used to know and love.
  9. tamarann

    tamarann New Member

    I love this: “try not to write the end of the story”.
  10. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Hi Lisa,
    Welcome! I am glad you joined this forum which has already helped me a lot since joining just last week.