Hopefully, and finally, some real change

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by BloodiedButUnbowed, Jan 13, 2018.

  1. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    The IEP meeting for YS was long and draining but in the end, we got what we wanted and more.

    YS has recovered miraculously well from his suicide attempt, cognitively speaking. No learning disabilities whatsoever. But his depression and anxiety are just as bad if not worse.

    This was his first week back at school. It came out in the meeting that he has been hiding with the counselor, openly sobbing about the prospect of returning to class. There were a couple of classes he never even attended at all, all week. He hid in the counselor’s office instead.

    He not only qualified for an IEP for emotional disability, he was placed in the district’s therapeutic school. YS initially resisted the change but privately told his counselor he needs to go there, but was fearful of his parents’ reaction. Both his parents signed off on the placement.

    YS is in such bad shape still, emotionally. Things seem just as they were when he attempted, with the pressure and stress of school pushing him over the edge. We toured the therapeutic school and were impressed. We feel it is what he needs.

    We are thankful for the first real change in his environment, since his father won’t change and he will have nothing to do with us for the time being. He bonded with his counselor and apparently has been honest with her about his situation, and for that we are grateful. We hope he will bond with staff at his new school as well. We feel certain that he will and that he will be more comfortable there.

    The social developmental study made mention of my wife’s anger and abusiveness as well as his recent falling out with grandma who cursed YS out and said she never wanted to see him again when he chose to return to his father full time a few weeks ago. I doubt this will open my wife’s eyes all that much, but we can always hope.

    The district did the right thing. We are relieved.
     
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  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    A good step for all and a good plan for YS.

    O can not imagine how difficult and stressful this must be for you.

    I do have to urge you to consider yourself and protect yourself. Verbal abuse is abuse.

    Nothing changes if nothing changes BBU please be careful.
     
  3. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    My plan is not to engage with wife next time she blows, I will leave the room/house if necessary.

    Not ideal but will keep me out of the fight and safe.
     
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  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Reading along BBU, sending my support.

    I'm so glad to hear that YS has a counselor he can confide in, has been placed in a therapeutic school and that the truth of his mothers anger issues and grandmothers wrath are now on record. Perhaps with these new supports in place for him, he can begin to heal and thrive.
    You sound resolved in your intention to disengage from your wife's rages.

    Through all of the intensity and drama of YS's unfortunate choice, truths have been uncovered which are healthy and positive. You've been a rock thru all of this, silently supporting all involved.......stay safe and take good care of yourself.
     
  5. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    My grandson, 11, has as his primary IEP qualification Emotional Disturbance, followed by ADHD. And he's in a therapeutic class much like you describe, with wrap around support, small class, behavioral support people, mental health person that does groups and individual and home visits, too, as well as three instructional aides and the teacher. I'm afraid he's earning his way out of that for next year because of his acting out behaviors and will probably be in a class for kids with behaviors--we'll see. He can't focus, has no friends, smart as a whip but simply cannot cope with his two general ed classes and he elopes from them frequently. He's in a small environment the rest of the time. He hates being a "retard" (oh we've discussed at length about ever using the R word), and hates being in a class with "those" kids, but also knows he needs it, although it's everyone else's fault and not his at all (so he says). The funny thing is that he has a very high IQ. He's bonded with a counselor and the office staff and administration are wonderful. They don't punish--they de-escalate, talk things out, and do restorative justice. His clinical diagnosis is ADHD/Anxiety Disorder/Disruptive Mood Dysregulation disorder. So much of all of this is anxiety. It's a beast. I hope your boy will settle in and make it work.
     
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  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    This sounds like a wonderful thing! I am glad that it is going to happen for him. I know what a good program can do for a kid because my child had one for a year. I hope the school really helps him.

    Given the fact that your wife has anger issues with the kids as well as you, do you think she would ever do any reading on the subject? If you do, let me know. There are some books that really helped me. I would be glad to pass the titles along, but only if you think they would help.

    It is awesome that YS has someone he can talk to. It is amazing that the school allowed him to hide in the counselor's office all day!! I know of few schools that would do that here. This counselor sounds wonderful. Maybe they can stay in touch after he changes schools.

    Take care of yourself with your wife's anger outbursts. Know that there is help out there, for both of you.
     
  7. JRC

    JRC Active Member

    BBU I'm so glad he is going to a therapeutic school. It may just save his life. I'm so sorry that your wife's anger continues to be an issue. ((hugs))
     
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  8. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Thanks for all your warm wishes. I agree JRC, I believe the ONE thing that has a chance to truly make a lasting difference in YS' life is this new placement. He will be immersed in a small, nurturing, loving environment focusing equally on academics and coping skills. He will be thrown into an environment without the sick dynamics of his family, and taught how to live more honestly. He won't be allowed to lie and hide, and he won't be able to simply disappear into the nooks and crannies of a large suburban high school. This is the absolute best thing that could have happened.

    I am so glad we did not have to go the advocate route and the district simply did what was right the first time around. I cannot help but think part of the reason this went so smoothly was because this same team dropped the ball on DS and I think they know it. They evaluated DS two years ago and found him ineligible for services even though he probably displayed enough dysfunction to merit an emotional disability diagnosis. A similar placement to YS' (though with an emphasis on acting out behaviors) might have turned DS around, but unfortunately he continued to deteriorate without support and is now out of traditional school.

    Today is YS' first day at his new school, wife is seeing him at a therapy session later so she'll touch base with him and find out how it went. We spoke to him on the phone yesterday and it was hard to tell how he felt. He always sounds the same - a defense mechanism I suspect.
     
  9. JRC

    JRC Active Member

    I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you and him.
     
  10. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    Fingers, knees, eyes, and all hairs crossed that it is a right fit.
     
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am just so hopeful that things went very well at the new placement today!!!!!!
     
  12. HopefulresignedMom

    HopefulresignedMom New Member

    Thank you for sharing this step in your journey. May I ask what state you are in? We can't get my son out of our neighborhood school because he only shows his behaviors at home. We are looking at therapeutic residential for the safety of our daughters and mental health too.
     
  13. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Hi HRM,

    Feel free to send me a private message and I will be happy to share more details. I tend to be cautious about posting too many identifying details online.

    From what you posted earlier, it seems to me that son should qualify for at minimum a 504 plan, which while not as protective of his and your rights as an IEP would be, is definitely better than no support at all.

    Have you already requested an IEP and were you denied?
     
  14. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Just an update...wife got a call from ex-husband on Friday. The social worker from YS' new school contacted him (dad) to say that YS is still thinking about suicide. Apparently he denies having a plan. The social worker thought YS was trying to manipulate his way out of taking a test in class by making this statement. YS' therapist spoke to him via phone later in the day, and called my wife and said that he didn't think YS was serious about attempting again. Therapist thought YS wants to avoid dealing with issues and sees suicide as an easy way out ....no :censored2: sherlock!

    After all we've been through I think this needs to be taken very seriously, but wife and ex-husband didn't want to make a "big deal" out of it, so it was left alone. As far as I am aware he has not attempted again.

    If he were my biological child I would have reacted very differently, but I have accepted there is absolutely nothing I can do.

    Apparently therapist and YS are "rehearsing" a big speech YS intends to give my wife. The speech is scheduled to be delivered during a joint session in a few weeks. I believe he wants nothing to do with her any longer and this is the kiss-off speech. But this is just speculation and we'll see what happens.

    Wife is holding up pretty well and no arguing this week which is nice.
     
  15. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Since YS had an almost successful attempt not long ago, I would think this should be taken very seriously. Maybe even re-hospitalization.

    I wouldn’t be confident that this is not serious.

    But, of course, there is nothing you can do.

    I am sorry that you are put in this position, to watch helplessly as the parents sweep this news under the rug again.

    Glad to hear that your home life is going well, though, and your wife is calm and staying grounded.

    I hope YS is not going to cut all ties with you and his mom. The thought has to be so difficult for her to bear.

    Stay strong.



    Apple
     
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  16. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Apple Cori, my thoughts exactly. I thought he should be re-hospitalized, given the seriousness and recency of his attempt, but my wife and her ex husband disagreed.
     
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  17. JRC

    JRC Active Member

    I'm astounded that anyone wouldn't take this seriously.
     
  18. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I am so very sorry that this is continuing as it is BBU. You have the right mindset but I am sure it is very hard.