Howlongto18 - (well that in itself - lol----years)
You know if they have Narcissistic tendencies - they will never feel guilt or remorse. It's not in their makeup or DNA. It's also not so easy to tell in a young child if they are narcissistic because (in my humble opinion) a lot of children can appear for a number of reasons which may or may not be their fault.
Another thing I can tell you which may save you some heartache is the medications. They are like a splint on a finger - they help, not cure. The cure, if there was one comes with YEARS of interventions. Some here will tell you that is therapy, family therapy, individual therapy. Some would say - therapy is a waste. Some would tell you without medications your son won't make it. My personal opinion with my own child? If I had it to do over again? I'd never give him pill one. My son is 19. Nothing he took, no combination of medications ever made even the slightest difference. He seemed to fight everything. He cheeked 1/2 of them and the rest were like a human guinea pig experiment. One medication made him gain weight, one made him so lethargic he couldn't tell you his name, and one made him suicidal and caused him to actually attempt suicide twice. Others in the beginning made me think - "AH HA THIS PILL....THIS PILL WILL MAKE HIM XYZ and he will do ABC....in 123." and each time? It was a bigger let down for me than anyone...everyone, but my son who admitted to me recently that the only other person MORE depressed that the medications didn't work each time? Was him." I never knew.
If I listed the number of interventions, placements, books, classes, and medications (65 plus) that we had tried? It would just be staggering. Recently I was asked to do this for a panel and I was asked to do it with dates, names, doctors, counselors, therapists, residents, and it just made me literally ill to review all the time, effort and energies that we put into trying to make a difference. The saving grace in all of it was the one statement my fiance made "Imagine what he would be like now if we had NOT done these things." In retrospect - I think dead or in prison. Either to me feels about the same.
As far as feeling safe in your home? That is a right. The longer you allow your son to rage and be out of control in your home, sadly and as hard as it is to face and even for me to tell you or anyone? The worse it will be when you finally do make a stand to have him committed for being a danger to himself or others. The only good thing in taking him to the ER when he is raging or out of control and dangerous is that it gets him an evaluation, a potential medications tweak, and gives you a small window of time to have respite and learn to like your child again. It's not much, but it's a break. He needs it as much as you do. Trying to accomplish anything when you are frustrated (either you or him) is NOT GOING TO WORK. Taking a break whether it is with a respite foster family for a weekend or in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for a weekend break where someone qualified to deal with kids like ours can HELP YOU AND HIM??? IS GOLD. Not just for you - but for him. He gets to be around kids - that "GET HIM" and YOU? Get to go be a human for 24-48 hours.
You wanted to know how do I calm down? I have something to look forward to. I have a goal. I have plans. I have something that gives ME (THE HUMAN, THE WOMAN, THE NOT MOM FOR 24 hours) A LIFE OUTSIDE OF YELLING, AND RAGING, and STRESS.....and if it includes prayer, church, bible study, or riding on a horse, a harley, or a snowmobile, or dancing, or a beer, or a box of wine, or dancing naked in the moonlight with chicken livers taped to my elbows and doing the I am FREE for a weekend dance....or planting flowers, or doing laundry (bite your tongue), or shopping, or going to the rifle range, bowling, weaving hair, getting my body pierced, shampooing the dog......getting a tattoo....laying.....carpet.
.....repenting....
whatver it is? DO IT. But do it without saying the words......MY SON....MY KID....I WISH HE......I CAN'T..
DO it with every intention of pretending you are not for 24 hours in any way related to - mental health issues......and wear a rubber band around your wrist and every time you even THINK about saying MY SON - snap that bugger - hard.....and go back to enjoying your weekend....
THAT is how YOU calm down.....
As far as calming down when they are there? Well - my best suggestion for that after the fact? (ahem) would be to tell you to get in with a family therapist that you really REALLY like, and go once a week. The best thing I did -really. I found I was
to my fiance, my Mom, what friends I had left, the friends I had here -which are the best in the world BUT still - I mean WHO wants to hear that all day every day 24/7? ESH. So I hired him. And once a week - I would go for 1 hour and take my little journal of all the really BIG things that bugged me about difficult child. Then I would sit in his office and for 30 minutes or better just BLAB and BLAH and cry and yickity yickity yack...and then the next 30 minutes? Solution time. We'd work on WHAT WOULD WORK BETTER than ME......SCREAMING....or YELLING or THROWING....(I used to be a slammer/thrower) and I actually started progressing as a parent. And the interesting thing was - that while my son didn't necessarily improve....I did. My stress levels and MY coping skills got better and better and my calming techniques became 2nd nature and my fighting skills became fair.....(yup fighting fair is very important to learn) VERY.
So in calming down - first I would have to ask you - if you even know how to fight fair. Do you know when to walk away. Do you know when to level a punishment? I didn't. Not then anyway. I was all JUMP IN NOW and punish NOW....and do it NOW. But until you learn those things? The alphabet in 10 languages....good start. THen numbers. SCreaming into your pillow. NEVER let them see you angry. - and I'll tell ya something funny - Trees fear me - grass hates me....but not where the kids could EVER see me. (lol)
Hope this helps - seriously - can't afford a therapist? All Mental Health places do free therapy ona sliding scale fee....or free. Basically even if they are
- it's someone to
at every week and get it out of your system and they can help get you some WEEKEND respite for your son.
Sounds like you could use it. BOTH of you.
Hugs
Star