When the Easy Child Falls

Mirabelle

Member
It has been a while since I have posted as I am so busy with work these days. I pop on during lunch breaks when I can to see how everyone is doing. My thoughts are always with you all. Today I am posting with the most disappointing and saddening news. I am too overwrought to talk about it but I can type about it. Problem child is being problem child, but he is alive and basically self sustaining on his benefits. We are probably due for a catastrophe but so far, no news is good news.

No, the one that got my husband and I straight in the heart this time is my lovely stepdaughter. Pregnant. With a horrible, hateful, tantrum throwing boyfriend. Boyfriend who wanted to be there when she told us so that he could rub it in, I'm sure. Thankfully he wasn't present. I am catastrophizing, I know, but it feels like the rest of her life is set now. Set for anxiety, sadness, struggle, no lasting joy or peace. She had been drinking a lot and seemed really stuck. She told us a while back that she didn't even really like this guy, that he wasn't good, but he was better than nothing. When she would try to break up with him he would hound her relentlessly, first with the sweet talk and then the self righteous abuse eg. 'I don't deserve this sh*t.' She would go back to calm him down and shut him up. And now this.

Once again I have to run but I would love to hear from you all to calm ME down and offer me and hubby some kind of hope. Right now I am so upset I can't even speak about it. I keep trying to put a positive spin on it and use all of the tools I have learned in therapy but the intrusive thoughts are killing me.

Love and hugs to you all.
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
She is a social worker? Is she working as a social worker now? It worries me that she has a history of drinking...as early pregnancy ID'S the worst time to be drinking, I am sure she knows all this and how to get help. It may be her "helping personality" that got her in to this field of work and maybe what keeps her tied to this boyfriend.

It is so hard to deal with an adult child who will be having your grandchild. It's heartbreaking. I had to set up a new account on this forum and I have not retyped my signature. We adopted our grands, and now they are 22 and 24. The youngest and her 2 yo son is now living with us and also had the boyfriend from hell.

I wish I had answers. The things that have helped me has been AlAnon...the principal teachings work for alcohol , drugs, mental illness, etc. I can't control it, I didn't cause it and I can't cure it. It's important that you and your husband be on the same page so that she can't manipulate one of you over the other. Private counseling for the two of you might be helpful.

I'd say at this point to try to be supportive and encouraging and "play nice" with her boyfriend so she doesn't use anything to keep you from a relationship with your future grandchild.

I'm still struggling, because now my granddaughter and great grandson has lived with us "while she gets on her feet" which does not seem to be anytime soon. But at least we know GGS is safe and taken care of.

Newksm
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
At least she’s out of college and has stable employment. She probably has a good insurance plan through the government. It’s tragic that the baby’s father is such a loser, and that she will be tied to him for the next 18 years. Finding childcare on a social worker’s salary will get very expensive. I hope to God she doesn’t marry him or move in with him. She knows about early intervention and the signs to watch for in children. Maybe the child won’t be like his or father. Those traits are hereditary, which is very concerning. Based on her work experience and training, she should be able to help the child if he or she begins showing sigbs of troubled behaviors or thoughts.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Mirabelle

I'm so sorry to hear this but she is an adult making bad choices like many of our "adults" here.

I do hope and pray the baby is healthy and that the father pays child support if they don't stay together. Many young women have babies and they somehow make it work. Maybe that will even make her grow up and be a more responsible person!

Please try to take care of yourself and offer her support from a distance.
 

Nomad

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Oh my. I have an idea of how you feel, and I have a good idea of how difficult it surely is. One thing to keep in the back of your mind, if she has made good choice in the past, there is a nice chance she will come to her senses (so to speak) in the future.

Good thoughts for the baby and that the father at least helps out in some manner if they don't stay as a couple...which sounds like might not be the end of the world if they don't. And there is always adoption if she is open to it at all.

Agree...many young women have been able to do well as a single person or have ended up with a kind new husband, who is also kind to their child.

I DID actually go through an incredibly rough year when our "good" child, for whatever reason, turned into a tortured, trouble, wayward soul when he was about 17. You could of knocked me over with a feather. He did a complete about face. It's a long story, involving some tough love...a lot of tears. He got a job he loved and between that and a very nice girl he met....and a lot of prayers...it all COMPLETELY turned back around. He went to college, worked PT while doing so, got straight A's. It was a miracle. And today, he is a hardworking , happy and successful family man. He had "it" all along. What went wrong that one year straight from hexx...I'll never completely know.

Try not to lose hope. I know this doesn't look ok right this second. Take excellent care of yourself. See a therapist ...perhaps only for a short time if that is all that is needed. Eat healthy, get rest....do what you need to take excellent care of yourself mind and body. And pray.
 

Mirabelle

Member
Thank you all so much for your kind words! They really mean a lot and definitely took the edge of some of my anxiety. Great suggestions all.
She is a social worker? Is she working as a social worker now? It worries me that she has a history of drinking...as early pregnancy ID'S the worst time to be drinking, I am sure she knows all this and how to get help. It may be her "helping personality" that got her in to this field of work and maybe what keeps her tied to this boyfriend.

Newksm - yes, she is a social worker and currently working as one. The drinking aspect worries me too. I hope the pregnancy will stop that in its tracks. She does indeed have a helping personality, but it has been more of a curse than a blessing. She has been tortured and traumatized by the ongoing and neverending shenanigans of her mother and brother - both mentally ill and both with alcohol and substance abuse issues. She sees a therapist, takes anxiety medication, and yes - has been through 4 years of training as a social worker. She doesn't seem to be able to detach from mom and brother in any way, and is constantly swept up in their drama rather than realizing the only person she can control is herself and forging her own path. Those two will continue to be walking disasters whether she is there or not, but she can't seem to stay out of their business.

She knows about early intervention and the signs to watch for in children. Maybe the child won’t be like his or father. Those traits are hereditary, which is very concerning. Based on her work experience and training, she should be able to help the child if he or she begins showing sigbs of troubled behaviors or thoughts.

Crayola 13 - the hereditary part worries me too. My stepdaughter has a lot of mental illness on her mom's side of the family, and the baby's father is a prize jerk. He has a daughter from a previous relationship that he sees regularly, and when dad is upset (which is often), he screams and cusses at both of them. A young woman and an 11 year old girl. What a prince. And unfortunately, stepdaughter is pretty much living with him already.

I'm so sorry to hear this but she is an adult making bad choices like many of our "adults" here.

RN0441 - I really appreciate this statement. You are absolutely right. Up until I saw this I was thinking of her as 100 percent victim. She is old enough and has seen enough through personal and professional experience to be making better choices.

Nomad - I am so glad your 'good' child went 'bad' but then came back to 'good' again!! There is hope for us all I pray. Unfortunately I think boyfriend has got his hooks into her now. He is apparently thrilled by the pregnancy. He is one of the controlling types - doesn't truly care for her but he has to be in control of her or he loses it. I can't imagine how the ex wife got away from him. She is still living and breathing and shares custody of her daughter with him. How terrible it is for me to pray that parents-to-be break up but in this case.........

Love and hugs to you all - your counseling really does help!

Mirabelle
 

Mirabelle

Member
Thank you all again for reading and taking the time and thought to respond. I had worked on overcoming my distress at the news of my stepdaughter's pregnancy. Your input really helped! Still very upset and disappointed but using all my tools to detach, and coping ok. Then we were blindsided by a request for our presence at the gender reveal party, a mere 4 days away! Mr. Horrible and his parents in attendance to boot. I am leaning toward making my excuses and not going. I was busy quietly steeling myself for the baby shower in several months and forgot all about the freaking gender reveal.

I think it is too soon for me to be in the mix of all that. For several reasons.
1. I just don't think I could keep it together and would end up making an ass of myself.
2. Bio mom is happy about the pregnancy because she is a borderline who can't deal with abandonment (or what she sees as abandonment.) Her daughter will never spread her wings and leave now. Don't want to be around her happy ass right now.
3. Dad talks big aka the truth to me but changes his tune when he gets around other people, which kills me.
4. Boyfriend knows we can't ignore him now so he'll be showing out and soaking it all up.

I plan on texting and letting my stepdaughter know that I won't be able to make it, in the nicest possible way. I know I will have to make some kind of nice with boyfriend eventually but I'm just not ready. I'm also afraid of hurting my stepdaughter's feelings because I just can't be happy about this right now, and I feel it so deeply I can't even fake a smile.

Please respond if you are moved to do so.........love and hugs to you all.
 
Thank you all again for reading and taking the time and thought to respond. I had worked on overcoming my distress at the news of my stepdaughter's pregnancy. Your input really helped! Still very upset and disappointed but using all my tools to detach, and coping ok. Then we were blindsided by a request for our presence at the gender reveal party, a mere 4 days away! Mr. Horrible and his parents in attendance to boot. I am leaning toward making my excuses and not going. I was busy quietly steeling myself for the baby shower in several months and forgot all about the freaking gender reveal.

I think it is too soon for me to be in the mix of all that. For several reasons.
1. I just don't think I could keep it together and would end up making an ass of myself.
2. Bio mom is happy about the pregnancy because she is a borderline who can't deal with abandonment (or what she sees as abandonment.) Her daughter will never spread her wings and leave now. Don't want to be around her happy ass right now.
3. Dad talks big aka the truth to me but changes his tune when he gets around other people, which kills me.
4. Boyfriend knows we can't ignore him now so he'll be showing out and soaking it all up.

I plan on texting and letting my stepdaughter know that I won't be able to make it, in the nicest possible way. I know I will have to make some kind of nice with boyfriend eventually but I'm just not ready. I'm also afraid of hurting my stepdaughter's feelings because I just can't be happy about this right now, and I feel it so deeply I can't even fake a smile.

Please respond if you are moved to do so.........love and hugs to you all.
Will you also be seeing them on Thanksgiving? That is next week, too. So, through my experience I learned to never force anyone to do anything that they don't want to do because then they will just be miserable the entire time. I also recently read an article about spending time during the holidays with difficult relatives and it said that if you don't go to the holidays then you lose the opportunity to repair the relationship.

In the situations of surprise pregnancies, it is my experience that, once the baby arrives, the only thing that's going to matter is that child. I'm assuming that you're going to want to have a relationship with that baby.

If you do find the strength to go to the gender reveal, just remember there's always a lot of activity of these gender reveal parties, so you could probably lay low at the party and get away with it without taking away from anyone's experience.

Since her husband is a jerk, sometimes it is helpful to have more people on her "side".

These were some tips for attending difficult family gatherings:

Keep family gatherings friendly and conflict-free with these tips
  1. Adjust your attitude. ...
  2. Have realistic expectations. ...
  3. Keep potentially upsetting topics off-limits. ...
  4. Accept that the only thing you can control is your reaction. ...
  5. Don't drink too much. ...
  6. Get active. ...
  7. Practice gratitude. ...
  8. Practice tolerance.
At the end of the day only you know if you can go through with it. A family friend of ours just had a surprise pregnancy and now that the baby is here nobody cares about the circumstances that led up to the birth. It is more about the child now than anything else. Hope this helps...I will remember you in my prayers today to give you strength and guidance.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I think it is perfectly fine not to go to the party. Just send a kind and short reason or just say I am sorry, I won't be able to come...use nice manners. Kindness is the key in my opinion.

You have to be good to yourself. You come first.

Love and hugs.
 

KTMom91

Well-Known Member
If you don't feel comfortable going, don't go. I have opted out of birthday parties for my (step)granddaughters because I am essentially ignored, and if I want to talk to my mother in law, I can go over there instead of sitting uncomfortably at my daughter in law's house while she concentrates on her mom and her friends rather than make the rounds of the other guests. Hubby knows I won't go, and he knows why, but it's his choice to attend, and that's fine with me.

It sounds like no matter what you do, it won't be a good situation. If you go, grudgingly, it has the potential to be a s&*@show. If you don't, you'll be the bad guy. It's a difficult decision, but please take care of you first.
 

Mirabelle

Member
Thank you friends for responding. I took something insightful from each response.

BrokenInside : Yes, I totally agree that within a year it will be all about the baby. I am mad, among other things, at my stepdaughter but she doesn't know that. So there is no bad blood or relationship to repair, thank goodness. I will have to alter my attitude to deal with baby daddy, which is within my power, it will just take time. A high pressure social situation two weeks after having a baby bomb dropped on us is not enough time!

I think it is perfectly fine not to go to the party. Just send a kind and short reason or just say I am sorry, I won't be able to come...use nice manners. Kindness is the key in my opinion.

You have to be good to yourself. You come first.

Busy.......this is what I am thinking. Zero hostility and nothing but kindness. Over the last few days I have settled on the idea of not going and it has brought me some peace. So I think this is exactly what I will do.

KTMom : You have the ignoring part down pat. My stepdaughter's family on her mother's side is high drama....no one seems to be happy unless there is a crisis happening, and if there isn't one, they will work to create one to give themselves something to be dramatic about....I kid you not. My daughter did not used to be this way, but she moved away figuratively from our side of the family (too boring and normal) and became subsumed. A smart, measured girl who used to raise her eyebrows at her mother's antics became a histrionic basket case, and seemingly settled into that mode, not happy but comfortable with it.

We ARE ignored.......there are calls or texts a few times a week, even before baby, saying she would love to catch up, or she will meet us here or there, and she rarely, if ever, shows up. She didn't even find 15-20 mins to visit with us to exchange Christmas presents last year. Her presents sat until April, at which point we repackaged them and gave them to others as birthday gifts. I know she loves us but it has gotten to the point where it feels fake - the words are used - miss you, love you, can't wait to see you etc. but there is nothing behind it. Her dad is planning to attend for her sake, and I think she would be disappointed if he didn't, but my lack of presence will cause barely a ripple. The spare doesn't have to be there, as they say!!

I'll keep you informed as the saga continues. Thank you so much; this forum has been a lifesaver for me this past year. Love and hugs xx
 
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