How much do you tell?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by jal, Oct 25, 2007.

  1. jal

    jal Member

    I am looking at a new daycare situation for my son. He has started kindergarten this year and things are going well. We have an IEP in place and he has a para and the interventions the school is offering are working great. He has been in daycare since he was 4 months old and we have been through 4 of them. The last one did not kick him out and they stuck through a lot with-us, but at the beginning of the year he was exploding on them as soon as he got there and he bacame a liability so we "took a break".

    My husband and I have been switching days coming home to meet the bus
    for the past month and a half. I am using FMLA time, but we both loose pay. The time has come to place him again and I want to start him off fresh in a daycare that also has many of the kids he goes to kindergarten with.

    Sorry so long, but the question is how much do you tell them? We have gone years (not knowing what was going on with him)and not giving the full picture thinking "this time may be better". We were so open with the school for the specific fact that we knew he would need assistance. In the beginning of our process (which was a full year before he started school) they did not believe he needed it. I told them you will meet my son and we will be here writing an IEP. We were...3 weeks into school and so far it's paying off. I just don't want to scare off the new daycare, but I need to let them be prepared.

    What to do?
  2. Bugsy

    Bugsy New Member

    Hi There,
    I am also juggling who I tell and how much as well. My thought is I try to get a sense if the place/people have any experience with a challenging child. If so and I decide this may be a good fit I tell them some generic things that are more acceptable first, like focus issues, may need redirecting, he can misunderstand another child's action etc. But I also get to the point of making them aware of medications. G-D forbid there was an accident at school and a hospital/medic situation was involved I want them to know his medications and what interacts with it.

    I ALWAYS make it known that only the people that I feel need to know this info should know. I stress the "I am sure everyone here is professional and knows that talking about a child's confidential information is inappropriate and even grounds for dismissal."

    So far I have had a very positive relationship with schools and camp. They appreciate my honesty and how much we have done for our son and we appreciate how professional, loving and supportive they have been.

    I have no idea if my rambles were helpful to you, I hope so. Good luck,
    bugsy's mom
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I was always pretty honest. I would give specific examples of things she would do. I wanted to be sure the staff could cope with these type of behaviors. Having her being forced to leave a day care would have been far more traumatic than having her labeled, in my opinion.

    The last thing I wanted was my child to be set up to have a major meltdown because the school didn't know that grabbing her arm terrified her and the like. I didn't give specific details about her past, just stated she was adopted and had been abused and neglected. I'd leave a sheet with tricks I'd found had worked when she was having problems, etc.

    I'd do pretty much do the same thing with her teachers. Having a child who could melt down at the drop of a hat, who thought hitting another child when something wasn't "fair," who thought scissors should be used at ALL times and the like, I learned the more I could tell those who were helping me protect and care for her, the better job they could do.
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I was always pretty forthcoming with information only because I thought it would help difficult child in the long run. I was wrong on a few occasions as it actually hurt difficult child because some of her teachers were determined to 'prove' that she was simply lazy. On the outside, no one could tell that difficult child had Tourette's Syndrome, ADHD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), because she became very adept at hiding her tics, anxiety, etc. When I would share her behavior at home, I could see the look of shock on some educators' faces, but I pressed on. She was fortunate to have a few teachers who really gave thier all and did thier best for difficult child along the way. As she entered her HS years her disorders made themselves more apparent and then, due to lack of assistance and better performance on difficult child's behalf, we moved her to a new school. She didn't do much better academically, but she improved in other ways which were more important to me.

    I think you have to guage the situation, who you're telling what to, how much telling or not telling will benefit or harm your difficult child. Not all teachers are trained in dealing with children who have special needs - even though mainstreaming is prevalent across the board in public school districts. Only a very small, almost minute percentage of the teachers in our district have had any special education training. In fact, I even set up a seminar from the CT Tourette Association to come teach our teachers about all the common misconceptions of the disorder. I can't tell you how many teachers thanked me - it was very illuminating for them.
  5. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    in my humble opinion, it is about safety. These people are being left in charge of your child. They need to know medications and proper techniques to help just in case something were to happen while in their care. It is not about protecting them, but keeping your little one safe.
  6. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    They're going to work out pretty fast that there's something odd about your kid. In most places, they will also make up their own minds based on their own experiences with him. difficult child 1, for example - when we changed schools with him, the new school were told everything. But they kept saying (unlike the old school) - "he's a great kid, we think the world of him. What on earth was wrong with that last school, that they thought he was a problem?"

  7. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I've always always been honest with schools & any other program the tweedles were in. Honestly, the one time I wasn't blew up in my face in a big way.

    There are some privacy issues I want to remain private, so I limit what information therapist & psychiatrist can release. However, the medications are out there in case there is a reaction. diagnosis's along with specific treatment plans on working with those diagnosis's are generally discussed & released.

    I've, for the most part, had a good working relationship with any & all of the people that work with the tweedles. It's a give & take from day one.

    Thus begins your & your difficult children journey to the school years. Many of us have lost positions due to lack of daycare; it's just a part of life when one is the parent of a difficult child.
  8. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    My difficult child was kicked out of almost EVERY day care in our area by 1st grade. I don't miss those days at all.

    I know how tough it is but you need to tell them. Give them a plan. Tell them how the school handles him when he acts out or explodes. Try to work with them. Hiding it will only last a day or two.

    Does the school have an after school program? My difficult child did well in those because they were run by the teachers who already knew how to handle her.

  9. Pumkinpie

    Pumkinpie New Member

    I remember the Daycare days. My son got kicked out of his first one by age4. I think its best to be honest with them. Let them know certain "signs" to look out for. Tell them what you do for him at home and what they do at school. The last daycare my son was in I called around all over town and actually the one between my house and work was the one that was most compliant and understanding to my son's needs. After I talked with them on the phone I went and talked to the manager and had an extensive conversation with her and gave all the suggestions I could. Then I took my son on a tour of the place so it wouldnt be such a shock to him on the first day. He was actually excited about going. He was there for about a yr till I felt he was just becoming to much of a danger to the staff and children there. So in the ended I dropped down to Part time at work and paid one of my neighbors to get him on the bus for me in the mornings and I was there when he got home.
  10. tired Cheryl

    tired Cheryl New Member

    HI, JAL:

    No advice here but wanted to give you a huge THANKS for introducing this topic. Tomorrow husband and I are meeting with the director of a prospective new preschool for my difficult child. This will be his fourth.
    We have debated whether or not we told the last school "too much" and if they were looking for behaviors that even we didn't warn them about. When they dismissed him after three weeks they had a long list of reasons, most of which were valid but some of which were pretty ridculous like he was sexually inappropriate because he wanted to kiss his classmates when they were learning a song about "arms are for hugging."

    They were not willing to wait and see how he did on the Risperdal. The principal said that she did not believe that medicating him was the answer yet, she could not come up with an alternative for us.

    So, here we sit in a similar situation. We have been taking our son with us to work every day since he was dismissed and needless to say we are not getting much work done and our business is suffering. So, we really want this school to work out. They have a reputation for being a good school and dealing very well with special kids.

    Now that difficult child is doing better on medications it would be nice to put my head in the sand and pretend like he does not have a behavioral condition. (He is better but still a far cry from easy child!) That would not serve any of us though. I will be honest with this new school as hard as it is now that we are facing preschool number four. Like Marg said, they are going to figure out pretty soon that difficult child is a difficult child. I would rather have them on my team from the start.

    Good Luck! and thanks again for posting this topic!