How on earth can I come up with something for Ache to do?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SuZir, Oct 27, 2014.

  1. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    G.F.G seems to have lost any and all incentive to come up with something to occupy his time. He is on sick leave so this wouldn't be such a problem, if his default choice to kill time wouldn't be to come up with ways to be as disagreeable as possible. He still has almost three weeks of sick leave left and no idea what then, and this certainly is very demerital of mine and husband's health. He has picked up smoking again (he quit after G.F.G left home first time) and I need a very stiff gin tonic at evenings to calm my nerves.

    Ache does have chores and some other things to do, but unfortunately he seems to still be as efficient as ever, when he gets to it, so by the time we get home from work, he is all done and ready to annoy us all evening. He does make us breakfast at the morning, does daily tiding up, carries the firewood and warms up the house, does some of my Christmas cleaning daily, prepares our dinner, goes to brush few of the sister in law's cows daily (it is the slowest time of the year also for her, she can't come up with much more work for Ache right now) and helps around a bit. I just volunteered him to help with rehabing one horse at the stables I go and he now goes there to walk that horse an hour or two at the woods and helps a little around otherwise. And he does keep up with exercising accordance of the schedule their trainer gave to him.

    But still, every day when I come home, he seems to be already done and sitting there on my couch and ready and determined to pick up the fight. He cleans more pedantic than I, while he cooks dinners that tend to require only modest preparation time and then often long cooking time in oven, I can't really complain about that either. Those dinners are according our house rules. Nutritious, healthy, there is enough of it, they are on budget and everyone's preferences are reasonably accommodated. I can't really demand him to cook something that would take whole night to prepare, can I?

    He refuses to have social life or leave the house on his own accord so the solution has been that we others leave, when it comes too much. Joy basically comes home to leave dirty clothes and pick up clean ones and eat at times. husband tries to come up with as much social obligations for himself as possible as do I. But it is cold, dark and wet outside with nothing to do there. There are only so many old friends I can call and ask to café with me to catch up, so much Christmas shopping to do, I can't move to gym permanently and let's face it; I need my downtime at home! And the moment I step in to my house, Ache is there to annoy me.

    We are not ready to kick him out. Not at least before his sick leave is up (and it may very well continue, even after this stint) and especially because telling him to leave at this situation would only make him burden someone else. And he is our whelp so it would not be right to dump him to be someone else's toothache especially when he is like this. And he currently really doesn't have a place of his own and neither does he have an idea where his next stop will be. The team that he has contract with is more likely to loan him to someone else than keep him, of course depending his health. He is total merchandise for them and they are not likely thrilled if they end up being burden with his pay check, when they basically signed him to make money in loaning him out. They probably hope to have him back for few games to showcase him and then loaning him out to someone in need. They certainly don't want him there to recover and they having to pay a hotel room for him during that. And we don't want to send him there either. Especially when they, aside of the team doctor, think he is recovering mainly from concussion with maybe something mental/emotional mixed in, when in reality it is other way around.

    And he is our kid and legitimately in need so we do not want to kick him out. Though we did decide and told him that however things turn out, he needs to have a plan for the future at Christmas. And staying indefinitely at home can't be part of that plan.
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2015
  2. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I can't imagine getting my difficult child to do half of what yours is doing. I tried to get her to take her sister to school this AM and got my head bitten off. To be honest dealing with her just isn't worth it. :(

    I don't know what else you can do with him. He is doing everything you ask and doing it well enough. Maybe you could tell him that when you get home you need some downtime before bed. That it helps you and husband sleep if you can enjoy some mindless tv or read a book in silence. Let him get his yapping and picking out during dinner and then tell him you all are going to enjoy some peace and quiet for an hour or two before bed. I often have to do this when my girls are driving me nuts. I go to my room and read. I get quiet time and they get to not be yelled at when they push me too far.
  3. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    SuZir --- Maaaaan, that is such a tough place to be with your difficult child. I remember having similar problems with our difficult child (no for medical leave down time, but for in-between school suspensions down time). Very hard place to be. Yes, he is your "whelp" (great word choice, by the way!). But it may also be true that even if you tried to "dump" him somewhere else, no one would take him (that was our experience, anyway -- when utterly exhausted, we tried to "dump", but no one would take). :/

    Gosh, I'm trying to think how we occupied those kind of days with our difficult child. Your difficult child does sound pretty active, at least. Great job with that. Is he able to think ahead for himself? Like study a course on-line? Is he artistic? Draw or play music or a musical instrument? Any friends?

    Funny, I don't recall how we occupied our difficult child. I'm sure there were video games in there (much to my chagrin). Our difficult child liked to draw castles, so we set him up doing that sometimes, too. Mostly, I think we just gritted our teeth.

    Oh, I soooooo remember that feeling! SuZir, you (and we all) do need that down time at home! Our homes are supposed to be our sanctuaries of peace and rejuvenation. My heart is with you on that one! So hard night after night (and day after day)!
  4. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Just read dstc-99's post and she said something great in there I'd forgotten about. Do you have a private place (or can you create one) for you in your home? A bedroom? A rec room or den you can close off? I recall that when our difficult child would not leave me alone, I found the only answer was to leave him alone........literally. When we first got difficult child (age 6), we erected a separate door to close off a private place for us (husband and I) within our first year of him living with us because it quickly became necessary. That actually did help to a large degree.

    Don't know your home layout, so don't know how easy that is for you. Thinking of you and sending best wishes for peace in your home........and peaceful down time for you! :)
  5. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    difficult child has always been active if anything. And extremely efficient in his own way. He doesn't do well with taskmasters or with someone watching over his shoulder, but when he is given a task and freedom to do it how he wants to, he gets it done and very quickly and usually well enough. Starting it may take it's sweet time, but when he starts, it is also quickly done. This is one of his strengths (he does have quite a lot of those; he wouldn't be this high functioning with all his issues, if he wouldn't) and I'm relieved it hasn't disappeared.

    Also many of the steps forward in maturity wise have stuck. While he used to have a filthy room like many teen boys and did his chores after huge fights or because they were habits (he does stick to his habits and we certainly worked hard to teach him good habits when he was young. And it has paid off; self grooming, diet etc. are something he just does and doesn't question even when things are tough) after moving from home he started to take certain mature initiative when it comes to household chores. If he notices dryer has run it's course and is not busy, he will stop and take the clothes and fold them without anyone asking. Or if there are dirty dishes somewhere, he takes them to dishwasher, or if the indoor firewood rack is empty, he will carry the wood to warm up before they are needed and so on. In things like that he shows quite a lot of maturity and thoughtfulness already.

    It is just that he can be so very uneven also maturity wise. Things he is currently doing to annoy us can be downright childish.

    We do live in the big, old farm house. More than enough room for four of us. When this was first built over a century ago, there was more like 40 people living here than four (that was crowded though.) And while difficult child is big he isn't that big that it would make it uncomfortable. But he really does go out of his way to annoy us others. Great example, and this is downright ridiculous, is from this evening. I took my school work and went to our home office to read and write, difficult child was on the floor below reading and listening music (with headphones on, yay!) We have a central heating system with radiators. If you hit a radiator, the sound really carries around, even though otherwise our thick log walls tend to take care of noise problems. So he started to tap the radiator with his toe in the rhythm of the music he was listening. Irritating, but because best way to make him stop these kinds of things is to ignore it, I tried not to care. After a while, when he didn't get the response he wanted, he continued taping, but added every now and then one tap wrong, out of rhythm. It is one thing to have to listen rhythmical tapping, one can get used to that, but out of rhythm rhythm really drives you crazy.

    This is of course totally silly and absolutely stupid reason to get irritated, but the problem is, that it is constant. He tries to provoke us and he doesn't stop. It may be big or small, but it doesn't stop. (Though tires of my car has stayed intact nor has he actually purposely broken anything, it has been more into our faces than his old passive-aggressive and backstabbing stunts.)

    It also stresses me that husband just can't let it go. He knows that difficult child is trying to pick up a fight. He does know that best way to make him stop an irritating behaviour when he tries to pick up a fight is to ignore it. He isn't any more ready to kick difficult child out or really put his foot down than I am. And still he feels the need to correct or reprimand difficult child when that is an only thing difficult child is looking for. Even when husband very well knows that pretending to put your foot down, when you are not actually planning to carry it through only makes you look like a three year old futilely stomping your feet. And waiting for that to escalate is stressful for me.

    And in our case difficult child really would end up to be someone else's toothache. We have big and close extended family and difficult child really hasn't burnt any bridges (he has tried, but it is difficult to burn a bridge, when person in the other side is throwing water on it.) They would take difficult child in, if we would kick him out. And they are not only ones. There are other people in difficult child's life, who are willing to give him a couch to sleep and place on their breakfast table. Some people actually like him a lot. And none of them really deserve to get our whelp to make their lives miserable. Not when he is like this.

    Two more weeks. Hopefully...
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2015
  6. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Honestly I think it is a combination of the fact that our difficult child's keep us slightly off balance at all times. Then they add is some stupid thing like tapping their foot on purpose and we are already so close to the edge that we fall. I tend to do this with my difficult child. I have to watch what I say and do around her all the time. So when I sense any hostility, disrespect, or annoying habbits I automatically go into a bad place. My stomach tightens up and my anger comes to the surface. It takes everything in me to let it go and remember that I need to chose my fights.
  7. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    They want to make sure we know their pain, irritation, or whatever else they are feeling at that moment. What better way to make us co-sufferers than to annoy the #^** out of us.