how should i handle this??

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jena, Nov 13, 2008.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member


    so i have a question. i have an upcoming "thing" this Saturday and i'm a bit edgy about it. it's boyfriend's oldest daugther with whom is putting on a play.

    His ex (she's a nightmare) will be there, her partner, his kids, my kids, him and I.

    The last time that we were all together somewhere she made a scene, it's what she is famous for. She tried to start some type of argument wtih boyfriend. The last time we went to kids play togther she purposely called boyfriend over and said come here i have to talk to you. NOw granted that was almost a year ago and yes he went (big mistake on his part) I stood alone feeling let's just say a little jerky.

    So i have warned him that if she pulls that and he goes I'm outta there. no words, no discussion I will simply take keys my kids and leave.

    I don't want to cause a scene infront of easy child, or difficult child yet i can't stand this woman. literally. she has made our relationship so hard and difficult. it is almost as if she doesn't want him (she wants woman now) yet no one else should have him. She's controlling possessive, calls and texts way too much, etc. So, I often invision umm let's just say drop kicking her!!!:surprise:

    So, if she starts anything on Sat. how i am feeling as of late i'm giong to blow. I can only take so much than when i go it's bad, it's simply ugly. Yet handling myself that way would only show her she got me, right??

    ok any advice here???????????????????????//////
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I understand your position, but it's my experience that men tend to be a little clueless when it comes to which woman they want to have trouble with. in my humble opinion they're used to their mommies, so they think that they can ignore the woman they are with because later on behind closed doors she will find a way to forgive him and it's easier than looking bad in public.

    I agree with him not going for her obvious ploy to undermine your relationship. He probably needs more tools in order to keep things civil, though. Tell him that his best option should she say "I need to talk to you, come here" is "Just a minute" and then not do it. Try "Jennifer and I are in the middle of something right now, maybe you could call me next week?"

    You have to give him an easy out. It will be polite but she'll get the message. She'll never try it again if he follows through.
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911

    My first thought? Have her followed around by Cheaters Inc. -
    My second thought? Call HER husband and say "C'mere - while they're talking lets you and I discuss all her texting to MY man." short of laying my head in his lap and petting his arm - maybe even lay my head on his shoulder and laugh that cutesy little flirty laugh at EVERYTHING he says and let the chortle be loud enough for HIS wife to hear..."Oh you are just the funniest - no wonder Broomhilda married YOU."

    My third thought and best thought? Take Witz' advice - its' golden and forget suggestion 1 and 2.

    oh - and get yourself a small video camera - because this time if she makes a scene - I'd put it on the internet like a starter wife blog fiasco.

    -inherently evil I am.

    And remember - if she doesn't count in your world her words wont either. She would have to mean something to you for anything she says to matter.
  4. 4sumrzn

    4sumrzn New Member

    I think Witz has given very good advice. I hope everything goes smoothly for you Saturday & you have a wonderful time ;)
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member

    :devil:ok, can't I just beat her like the witch that she is?? With her own broom stick??

    I dislike her very seriously. I very rarely dislike ppl. Let me tell you this woman I loathe.

    Next week return her call? Aw I wish, they spent 3 hrs back and forth texting last night over their daugther's play (daughter freaking out) and her sudden rash. I told him you do that again you mine as well invite her over for coffee cause YOU WILL BE ALONE!!!

    Star - She's gay!!!! Yup now don't get me wrong I'm all good with the whole gay rights thing trust me. Yet that call would have to be made to her "parnter".

    I know, I'm so much better than this. What's wrong with me, why do I let her get me so revved up??

    I think it's also because I consistenly have to clean up her messes? With her kids that are lacking therapy and their clepto daughter which ok i love, or how about days we dont' have kids I go up to get difficult child from school........ and guess who is always late and guess what kids are left standing there?? Yup boyfriend's kids confused and dazed. So i being the parent I am stand and wait for her to show up to get them.

    breath jen, breath!!! I warned him i'll throw her to ground on sat. Ooh did i just say that?? I think I'm angered by her, her actions and yup i' gotta admit maybe i'm jealous of the 18 years they had and the 3 kids:sick: me jealous? wow so scary
  6. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i am liking the idea of the video camera and maybe putting her on utube............... there's a thought!!! I could entitle it "Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water".......pyscho ex!! part I.

    I"m clearly going to have to get over this sickness by than maybe actually blow dry the hair, make up look normal..... :)
  7. 4sumrzn

    4sumrzn New Member

    Oh...a throw down....yep, you said it. OK...I changed my mind, I'll bring the video take care of business. I'm sorry you can't stand this woman. I'm still hoping you find a way to have a wonderful time. got me worked up thinking of ways to get under her skin. I better be quiet & get ready for work.
  8. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    You have control over yourself. You have nothing to say about what boyfriend will do or say to his ex. As you said, they have a history and kids.

    Personally, I would try to take the high road and let them talk if he so chooses. The scenes will be theirs, not yours, not your kids. The stupidity, the ugliness will go on regardless of what you do. However, if you stand quietly to the side (hopefully, with his and your kids standing by you so they aren't involved), you'll look like the heroine. She'll be the jerk and he'll be the idiot.

    Quietly take the kids away from the scene. Talk about the play, sing a song, whatever, but keep them occupied so they don't have to witness the mess. Trust me, others will notice even if ex and boyfriend don't. You will absolutely win that way.

    If you get involved, if you butt in, if you start a screaming match, you lose. If you storm out because he talks to her, you look like the jealous girl friend. If you get into a throw down, you go to jail.

    So, try to let it go. Be the lady, the good guy. Help the kids get through the scene by gently removing them.

    Don't make boyfriend choose between you and his ex. How would you feel if your ex went to a family event and called you over and boyfriend flat out said, "If you go over there, I'm leaving?," regardless of how good the reason for him wanting to leave was? No matter what a jerk his ex is, they have kids together and the kids have to come first.
  9. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    I was in the exact same situation several years years ago! "They" came to my both sons' school play and his graduation. I completely ignored them. I got there early, sat in the front so I couldn't see them, and pretended they weren't there! I was just waiting for "her" to try to start something up, but she didn't. She's the mouthy one that liked to create scenes in public. I just made up my mind that I would NOT allow either one of them to ruin this for me! My son only had one class play and one H.S. graduation and I intended to enjoy them!

    If she tries to get his attention this time or tries to get him off by himself, you know what I'd do? Do you have a video camera? If not, a cell phone or a digital camera would do. If she calls him over to her, YOU go too! With your video camera on! Or the cell phone or the digital camera - mine takes little video clips. If yours doesn't, you can easily fake it! I have a feeling her mouth won't be flapping quite so much if she thinks you're taping her performance!
  10. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    I agree with Meowbunny. If you take the high road it will eat at her. I'm sure she enjoys making you jealous and you showing the jealousy will only make her happier. Don't let her push your buttons. Enjoy the play and the kids, pay no attention to her. :D

  11. Jena

    Jena New Member

    meowbunny - oh no, please please don't worry i'd never truly hit her........i dream of it but no i wont' hit her!!! I'm sorry you thought i was for real!! I was just having another mentally raging moment. I have them from time to time LOL:faint:

    I see your point about the walking away thing i come across like a pyscho, jealous woman........ ((oh no not I :) )) Your right, ok ok I'll be a grown up!

    It's so hard to be a grown up all the time! Isn't it?? sometimes just wanna do what i wanna do........... just kick her sorry *ss all over the place. (oops there i go again):cigarsmoker:

    I will be a grown up and make everyone proud, I will hopefully stop sneezing and coughing and looking very scary and i'll be good:angel:

    thanks for the advice
  12. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    I think you should keep in mind that he will be involved with this woman until his kids reach legal age, 18, 21.

    You may dislike her intently, but she is the kids mother - if she steps out of line, it is up to their father to put her in her place.

    Take the high road on this one - put her on ignore and don't give her any ammo to be playing games with the kids.

  13. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    I don't think it was easy for your man to have his wife leave him for a woman, I would think that is a very difficult think for a man to get over or forgive. I might be naive but I don't think you have anything to worry about between them, go, take the high road, like everyone said, they have kids. I get that she is probably out to make trouble, I just wouldn't worry about it cuz I think your man wouldn't want to go back matter what.
  14. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    My mom always told me that, "Happiness is the best revenge."

    In these instances, so is indifference. When people are trying to get to you and they can't, they can't stand it.

    Trust me. Drives my ex crazy. He gets to me...I come here and vent about it...but I don't let him know.

    Unless he's being a total idiot like when my son got into the accident and he went off on him and didn't even ask if he or the other kids in the car were ok. But, then I told him that Devon's friend came out and told me that Devon's dad was being a jerk (but what the kid said starts with the letter 'd') instead of going off on my own little tyrant.

    Don't mess with my kids. :grrr: I'm the only one allowed to do that. :tongue:

    Ok. Done on my sidetrack. You may return to your regularly scheduled programming.
  15. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I have to echo what MB said about you have control over yourself.

    You have control ONLY over yourself. You DO NOT have control over what others do or say or feel.

    Do not make things worse by inserting yourself into the mess, saying anything rude or even small whispering under your breath about "Here she goes again" or anything of the sort. It is waaaaaaaayyyyyy better for everyone if you quietly move to another area temporarily and let them sort out whatever it is.

    on the other hand, keep thinking and believing and expecting things to go smoothly and that everyone will simply be present and enjoying the play and perhaps you will be pleasantly surprised. Positive thoughts. Build up your resolve by thinking positively each and every moment up until you arrive and through the evening.

    Best of luck and sending powerful calm your way.

    ps: Jennifer, I think it's really important for you to eliminate the 'blame' from your feelings. Trying to accep each and every person as they are helps me to get through family gatherings with my exh and his family. Really. Once I let go of the blame and thoughts that he screwed up my kids and that his family was a bunch of wingnuts (which they are in truth, lol) I finally felt free. And I was able to just be the parent I wanted for my kids. It really helps to work on that. Good luck.
  16. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Jo - Great point. So, accept her instead of beating her??:crazy2:

    I'm just kidding (me being funny ha ha)))

    Your right, I can't allow her to get to me anymore or I'll be in for a world of total stress till the kids are gone and grown. I can't allow anyone to do that to me. That would just be silly.

    She's also very open and affectionate with her partner. It kinda freaks us out boyfriend and I. The only reason that it freaks us out is because it upsets his kids, my kids just shake their heads. Yup difficult child has had to learn about all of this stuff. Same way him and I wouldn't go into a lip lock at a child's play is the same way they shouldn't.

    Yet him and I together have come to realize that she is who she is and he knows better than anyone how she needs to be the center of attention at all times because she is such an insecure person. That I think is why she starts things wherever we are.

    Ok i will feel bad for her, I decided that is the stance I will take. You guys just dont' know all I did for this woman in the beginning and how she trashed me and abused me anyway. I helped her with her relationship with boyfriend's oldest daughter, I helped her when she needed a sitter and boyfriend was at work, I actually gave her money one time for a sitter, the list goes on and on, took picture's last easter cause we had kids and she was upset so i took them and emailed them.

    I'm just a really good person. it's my innate nature to trust until I'm taught I cannot trust. I learned quickly with her do not trust!!

    anyway thanks for the great advice. :)
  17. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member


    I think that MB's advice, combined with Heather and Jo's mind set is the right one to take.

    Happiness truly IS the best revenge.

    Have you ever heard the expression, "Kill 'em with kindness"?
    If you're unflappable and very polite and sweet, and behave like a lady, the ex WILL look like a monster raving loony. Everyone will understand why boyfriend is with you and no longer with her.

    If you show any negativity, or retaliate, or mutter under your breath or even roll your will look like the jealous, insecure girlfriend. Even if you're feeling jealous and insecure, don't let her see it.

    My husband's ex-W is also a monster raving loony. A few years ago, she came banging on my door ranting and raving that I had her stuff locked away in my house and was keeping it from her. I let her in, calmly explained that her things were in a small pile by the front door and she was welcome to take them away. I was sweet as the proverbial pie. From that moment, she has been scared silly of me. (Well there was also the time I called the police and had her hauled away when she was making a violent scene on my lawn, but you get the idea...)

    To someone who gets her way by making a scene and watching everyone give in to the drama, being able to stay calm, cool and collected is VERY intimidating and WILL get you the upper hand. Which is exactly where you want to be in this situation.

    HUGS. You can stay calm and you will get through this.