How to forgive a thief / son.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Russell Z, Dec 1, 2016.

?

Let him come over

  1. Yes

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  2. No

    3 vote(s)
    100.0%
  1. Russell Z

    Russell Z New Member

    My son ripped me off over 40000.00 in equipment last September and I don't know how to let him back in my life .I called the police , son denied the theft and police don't care. I can talk to my son on the phone now but I will not allow him on my premises.I don't trust him after the theft.Where do I go from here because I really want my kids in my life .How do I do it ? Any thought would be appreciated.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Can you tell us ! more? Is he paying you back? Does he use drugs? Is he dangerous to anybody,? Would he maybe steal again? Why did e do it,? How old is he?

    Sometimes because we love our kids we want them in out lives but we know we can't trust the! In our ho!e.mif he is a von artist for example and s risk to you, you may be safest to see him in public places only. That way he is not on your house and strangers are around too do he probably won't get violent, if that is s problem.

    Forgiveness is different from trust. You can forgive him, but still be sensibly cautious. Do you have other children?
     
  3. Russell Z

    Russell Z New Member

    He is 29 and is not paying me back . He does have a violent temper and has struck me before. He is bipolar and is a kickboxer .The relationship I have with him now is mostly by phone but I have met him at a restaurant a few times. He can't keep a job and he has a commercial drivers license so he can't get medications or see a doctor for the b/p or the state will pull the license he says . I would love to be closer to him but I hate thievery and he knows that for sure .My son said he stole from me cause I told him he could stay with me, aND I did , but I also told him he had to help with the bills . So , he gets paid ,goes to the casino and blows it all and expects me to pay everything. This happened plenty and I got sick of enablING him so I told him to move out . He got paid , got a place , come back and stole from me the next day .
     
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2016
  4. Russell Z

    Russell Z New Member

    He is 29 and is not paying me back . He does have a violent temper and has struck me before. He is bipolar and is a kickboxer .The relationship I have with him now is mostly by phone but I have met him at a restaurant a few times. He can't keep a job and he has a commercial drivers license so he can't get medications or see a doctor for the b/p or the state will pull the license he says . I would love to be closer to him but I hate thievery and he knows that for sure .My son said he stole from me cause I told him he could stay with me, aND I did , but I also told him he had to help with the bills . So , he gets paid ,goes to the casino and blows it all and expects me to pay everything. This happened plenty and I got sick of enablING him so I told him to move out . He got paid , got a place , come back and stole from me the next day .

    Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/how-to-forgive-a-thief-son.63098/#ixzz4RdKyahgJ
     
  5. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Can your insurance cover it? That is a lot of money invested. Are those work tools? Did he use it to cover gambling debts? That is serious. Any theft is bad, but he needs to understand the magnitude of what he did. That is a life changing amount of money.
     
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    You forgive because that keeps bitterness from eating YOU up and then you move on. You love him from a distance, and you NEVER let him on or around anything you cannot afford to lose again. You don't trust him because quite simply, you cannot trust him.

    If you truly feel you want to see him, do it in public and keep it surface. Don't discuss anything deep or meaningful. If he wants to come to your home, tell him no. Make sure your locks are all changed and keep everything locked up tight. If he just shows up, tell him to leave and call the police if he won't leave. Do NOT open the door to him. If he screams through the door at you, call the cops to report a trespasser and tell them you feel you are in danger. If he is manic, you likely are. If he threatens suicide if you won't open the door, tell that to 911 and make sure they transport him for his own safety.

    I am very sorry for this, but unless and until he accepts proper help, and sticks with it, pays you back AND works to earn your trust, you just cannot trust him. Any relationship needs to be away from anything you want to keep.
     
  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Russell, I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

    There is no other kind of betrayal like that of your own child stealing from you. My son has stolen from me many times and also done severe damage to my home which cost $$$$ to repair. New doors, drywall, counter tops, windows, carpeting, etc........
    I carried a lot of anger in my heart towards my son. I read once "holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die"
    I knew that I needed to let go of it and the only way I could do it was to forgive my son. Now, let me be clear, I have forgiven my son but that does not mean that I have forgotten all that he did, nor does it mean I trust him. Forgiveness was for me, not my son.
    I would like to have a better relationship with my son but as long as he continues to live his life on the edge I have to be very careful to protect myself. It is because I don't trust my son that I have to protect myself. I will no longer put myself in a situation where my son will take advantage of me or try to manipulate me. I will no longer allow my son to use my emotions against me. It's all about keeping healthy boundaries.
    This did not happen overnight for me. It took time and effort on my part. I purposefully focused on my life and filing it with things that made me happy. We the parents of these difficult adult children have our own lives to live.

    I'm glad you found us here. Keep posting and let us know how things are going.
     
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  8. Russell Z

    Russell Z New Member

     
  9. Russell Z

    Russell Z New Member

    Insurance covered alot of it about 25000 but the stuff I had you can't buy anymore . it was made in USA and Germany when tools were quality . I really appreciate your post . thank you
    I have been at wits end with him and he is a great manipulator . I will stand my ground after this theft . I preached responsibility all his childhood life and he has run from it about as far as anyone could .
     
  10. sandyr

    sandyr New Member

    I'm in the same situation as you, with my daughter, 23 years old, she stole from us from my husband 2 payroll checks, we used mobile deposit (not anymore) and she found the deposited checks ( you are supposed to keep them for 10 days) and went to the bank to deposit them, they were paid and the bank withdraw the money from our checking account, she stole also access checks from my credit card, and she took my husband's car. As days goes by, I'm still missing her, but I filled a police report because on top of things she came to my house and fought with my youngest daughter, and hit her. I'm her mom and love her to death, but probably this time we can get a warrant to get her to seek medical treatment, she has been with no medication for a over 6 months, we also went to Mexico for a family wedding and took her (we were afraid of leaving her at home) and she stole also from my family. You can imagine how I feel. I went abroad on summer and she put 3,000 dollars on my credit card. We gave her another opportunity to her, but at the same time we have that feeling that we are not helping her, on the contrary, we allowed this to happen many times and if this don't stop, she will end in a bad place.
     
  11. Russell Z

    Russell Z New Member

     
  12. Russell Z

    Russell Z New Member

    That sounds pretty familiar with what's been going on here . I hate this because it puts us in a situation to do something that we don't really want to do .Be strong and hang tough because we know we arent helping them by enabling them.
     
  13. Snow White

    Snow White Temporarily in the Magic Kingdom

    Hi Russell Z - so sorry to hear what your son has done to you. It is every parent's nightmare. Our daughter has stolen from us and damaged so much of our house & vehicles. We will not let her live in our house again.

    You need to keep yourself, your home and your possessions safe. Allowing your son back in just gives him an open invitation to repeat his actions.

    Sadly, we are not preaching to the right choir with these kids. They don't want to hear it and they definitely won't acknowledge it.
     
  14. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Russell, it is difficult to forgive someone who does not exhibit remorse, however I do believe that forgiveness is for us, not for them, so we don't harbor that bitterness in our hearts.

    Trust is earned, your son has not earned your trust.

    It is imperative to impose boundaries on the choices and behaviors of our adult difficult kids. While your son may not be seeking any help, it may be prudent for you to seek help. We can't change, fix, control or in any way, impact the choices of our adult kids, all we can do is learn to respond differently and take care of ourselves. It is such a different and difficult new way to parent that often we need help in figuring out how to do that. I know I did. I needed a lot of help.

    Since your son is bi-polar, you may find support at NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They can be reached online. They offer excellent courses for parents which will give you information, resources, guidance and support. They helped me so much with my daughter.

    You might read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here, it has a lot of useful information.

    We never help our kids by enabling them. And, many of us are not clear about the difference between enabling and loving kindness. It takes all of us awhile to learn that difference, which is often where professional help comes in.

    Our kids behaviors put us in the awful position of having to make those hard choices you are referring to, not an easy task, but almost always, a necessary one.

    Hang in there, get support, keep posting, it helps. We know how you feel, we've all been in your shoes.....glad you're here....
     
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  15. Russell Z

    Russell Z New Member

     
  16. Russell Z

    Russell Z New Member

    H
    Hey recoveringenabler,
    Thank for your reply .I have felt like I needed help with this issue .I tried to put deal with this by keeping him at distance with phone calls being short and not letting him telling me all his whines that he needs help with .That opens the door to feeling sorry for him and me making myself feel bad by not helping him .He is one of the best manipulators in the world.Your exactly right that we cannot help them in their choices .
    Thanks again
     
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2016
  17. Russell Z

    Russell Z New Member

    Thanks for your input .
     
  18. Russell Z

    Russell Z New Member

    I recently had my father pass away . I've had trouble in the past with my son as yall can read my posts. I decided to let my son back in my life and it was ok for a few weeks about 2 months ago ,but then he started telling me what he's been doin , gambing at casinos again . He calls me and says he want to get help 40 days ago and yesterday he calls and wants me to pick him up .He was at the salvation army rehab center, and my son said they were abusing him by overworking him snd paying him a dollar a day . I told him the money isn't the issue if he was getting help but he outed himself already and needed a ride . Like a big dummy , I pick him up and he proceeds to tell me all I've done wrong all my life as I'm trying to get him a motel .He wants me to drive 90 mIles and away from his problems. I told him I'm not able today but I would tomorrow but that ain't good enough for him . He tells me I'm a crappy (ya you know the real wording) father like my deceased dad and tells how abusive I was raising him ,How I wanted him to help on the farm , I finally had enough and said, yes I wanted you to help , your part of this family and you need to help.He got extremely angry and tried to hurt me . I got away from him but I know if he had a way he would of killed me . I left him at the motel and am very hurt by him emotionally . I can't take his crap any more .
     
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. Sorry you had to come back with things so bad.

    He is obviously abusive to you, even dangerous. To me, the biggest issue is your own well being. There is no way you should get into a car with him (no room to escape) and you are not obligated to drive him anywhere. If you feel less guilty, give him train money far away from you. A one way ticket. If you feel you must fund a hotel, limit the time. He is able bodied and can take care of himself, I assume.

    Until there is an effort for a wayward person to change, or some sort of epithany, which your son hasnt had, they do not usually suddenly change. They may never change. Guard yourself from possible harm from an unstable, irrational adult child. We all must. Violence to me means you cant see me or we only meet in crowded public places... plus the Dad and Mom Bank shuts down. See how they play us? He put you in danger and YOU feel guilty. Is he remorseful? Or does he feel you asked for it? Would you tolerate this behavior from anyone but tjis son?

    They can make us feel nuts unless we hit our own rock bottom and say "No more getting a chance to physically or emorionally hurt me again." And mean it. Violence crosses a line in my opinion. And calling you horrible names is childish, ugly and mean. Why even give him a chance to say them? Do you realistically think you can have a normal father/son relationship with him? Sadly we cant always have the sort of relationships we want with our family members, even grown children. It is sad, but we cant invent what isnt there. I know.

    I am sad for your sons continuing harm to you. Do watch out for yourself first. Take care!
     
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2017