How to stop enabling abusive narcissistic entitled adult children

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SomewhereOutThere, Dec 11, 2016.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I thought I'd share this. Many of us deal with these types of not-quite-right adult children.

    Every time you give them what they want, they demand something else. They say your job is to make them happy. They try to stimulate your guilt and shame for every sin they say you committed when they were kids.

    What a nasty and unending list. If you were an average parent or better (you didn’t need to be perfect according to them), don’t accept blame and guilt. You don’t deserve to be used and abused. You don’t owe them anything anymore. Probably, your only big mistake was giving in to them too much, hoping they’d wake up one day straightened out and loving like they were when they were infants. Don’t hold your breath waiting for that miracle.

    Selfish, narcissistic, manipulative bullies misinterpret your kindness and compassion as weakness and an invitation to demand more. They think they’re entitled to whatever they want. They always have reasons, excuses and justifications for being obnoxious. They claim their problems and rotten lives are all your fault. Their justifications will last forever.

    I’ve never seen parents be able to purchase respect and civility from these narcissistic adult children. There’s no hope down that path. Stop meddling and enabling them. These adult children will remain predators as long as you feed them.

    The only path with hope is to stop giving them anything, to demand civil behavior or to cut off contact. Don’t debate or argue about who’s right. Tell them you know they’re strong enough to make wonderful lives for themselves. Be full of joy when you protect yourself and your futurebecause, really, you are taking your life back. Now you can enjoy the rest of your life. You can surround yourself with people who respect and admire you, with people who are fun to be with.

    Of course it’s hard and there are usually many complications. But if you continue to feed to them while they rip your heart out, you’ll be bled dry. Your life will shrivel up like a prune.

    If your children are still kids, you have a chance to stop the patterns now. With a big smile, teach them that they won’t always get what they want, that they can’t always beat you into submission or bribe you into giving in. And that there are consequences for throwing temper tantrums. And they’re not destroyed when they don’t always get everything they want. And nothing is for free.


    1. Develop the strength, courage, will and determination to be and to act your best resolutely, diligently and effectively.
    2. Develop a plan and master the skills necessary to create the life your spirit has always hungered for.
     
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    Last edited: Dec 11, 2016
  2. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    Oh my gosh SWOT, thank you so much. Perfectly stated. I wish I had read this years ago. I would have saved myself lots of heartache, not to mention lots of money. But I'm here now and moving toward with my life. The big sadness is to not be seeing or speaking to my granddaughters, but I've got to let them go as well and pray they're OK. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
     
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  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Mamacat, I wish you well...honestly very well.

    I didn't write this. I copied it. It rang a bell with me.

    I am so sorry about your grandchildren. That is just the meanest thing an adult child can do. Which they know and is why they do it. It is a window to their souls.

    My own advice? Do your best to thrive. Lean on your loved ones and friends who are kind to you.

    Hugs and holding your hand l.
     
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  4. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Maybe this will make you feel better you see for your health a human needs a balance of both negative and positive emotions. You said that he is your only stress in your life because well I guess the negative emotions he brings to you. Well think that he is is like a medicine for keeping a healthy mind.
    I know this sounds strange but besides cutting all connection with him which you said you will not think like with medicine you do not want it but its for your health.
     
  5. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    I tried and tried to help her. She actually was the one who cut off contact after I said no. I just couldn't sign for an apartment given her instability and impulsiveness. I sent a text on her birthday that simply said Happy Birthday ***. She replied thank you mom. I just left it there. I don't want to ask anymore to speak to my granddaughters, only to have no response.
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He will never be a big part of my life. He lives too far away.

    I'm less stressed with him than I once was. I won't cut off all contact with my kid. I do set limits. My focuses are myself, my husband and my kind kids and sunshine granddaughter. I am content with my life. I posted this mostly for others who are still struggling.

    Mamacat, I am sad for you. I hope you learn coping skills to deal with her. Hugs to you.
     
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  7. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    Right now I'm not dealing with her because she cut off contact, which is exactly what needed to happen for me to get better. It just occurred to me. She actually gave me a gift. Not sure if I would have been able to cut off contact. I'm sure the day will come when I will hear from her. It will be different now because I've learned a lot. I'm doing OK. I have a sponsor in CODA, worked the steps, have good friends, supportive husband, loving son, psychologist when I need her. My life is full and good. I'm going to Israel in January. I have times of sadness, anger, and disbelief, but for the most part, I'm good. I look forward to seeing my granddaughters again. I've put it in God's hands.
    SWOT, I appreciate your thoughts and concern.
     
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  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Coda is awesome. I went in my 30s. I had a long path to get to a good place and CODA helped tons. I'm glad you found them.

    Enjoy your son. He can offer what your daughter can't. How does he feel about his sister?

    My three nice kids want nothing to do with my son.
     
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  9. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    He loves his sister , but has known for as long time that something is "not right." He never lectured me about it, but left me to discover for myself. She's 45 and things started to go bad about 9 years ago. Before that she was a teacher and seemed OK. However, in looking back, it probably started earlier.
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My son is dismissive of his siblings and they don't like how he talks to me. It would be awkward if he wanted to share our holidays. So I am relieved he won't go to Chicago to join us.
     
  11. STEP MOM

    STEP MOM New Member

    I tried to get his Dad to set boundries , rules , specific expectations for his 27 yr old son moving home to finish school. This is what happened DAD DID NOTHING, but reward aweful behavior. His son got 4 stalking injunctions, one dui and dad paid 15k in legal fees. Then son stole all my jewlry various items around the house (dad did nothing) but buy him a car even though his son could have paid for it living free. Then he pretended to be going to school . Got busted. Dad did nothing but get mad at me for insisting rules. Then he looses his license for not paying $158 for getting a speeding ticket. Finally dad kicked him out. But , my emotions from dads denials were berated , he actually puts rules and boundries on me not his son. Final blow was finding his son had a diaper fetish. Dad does nothing. So I left him finally.
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    As hard as I'm sure it was, you don't need this 27 year old in your life and Dad is huge enabler. This adult kid will be messing with his gullible father forever.

    I'm sure you didnt call the cops on this thief because Dad begged you not to (for stealing from you) but Dad did nothing. That is in my opinion disrespectful to you.

    When we fall in love, that involves the other persons family. You deserve better than that.
    Stealing from you and Dad is okay with this? You don't need that. Horrible.
     
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  13. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    As long as I have been involved in this dysfunctional lifestyle, and as much as I have learned the last few years, this was what I needed to see today.

    Thank you for sharing.

    It is a journey. Road trips are more fun, but this journey is about as crucial as it gets.
     
  14. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    I've reread this. Can't thank you enough. Christmas was not easy, but I'm better now.
     
  15. Lucyxyz

    Lucyxyz New Member

    This is my son exactly. I will ask my husband to read this, he is a classic enabler.
     
  16. Spokane Step Mom

    Spokane Step Mom New Member

    Isn't Google a great thing? That's how I found and read some of this inspirational stuff. I have a step-daughter who has been abusing me for years and although I saw it and occasionally dealt with it, not in the right way and it is exhausting. She is now 25 years old, with a child of her own and if you don't do what she wants, when she wants it, the way she wants it, with no push back, all H**l breaks loose. I have now, most recently, been called out on Social Media for being a 'snake' step-mom and a victim. I am neither. I raised her from the age of 2 yo because her bio-mother left her and her brother and sister with their dad, now my husband. The only thing that breaks my heart in letting her go is not seeing my Grandson. She will do that. Her bio-mother used that tactic with the kids in reference to fighting they would have and she told me she never would, but sadly she has turned out just like that. I guess there is something to genes. Hard to imagine that a child who spent 4 days per month with her bio-mother could turn out so much like her. Her constant drama and neediness and then lack of gratitude, or anything for that matter, has just worn both of us down to nothing. She continues to make horrible, horrible choices and detonate bombs in her life and then as I sad above, if you don't run as fast as you can to pick up the pieces she lets loose on social media. I don't respond. I may not be completely healthy yet and still let it affect me horribly, but that I don't do. I don't put my drama on social media. I texted her privately and got blown apart and that was the last of that. Someone called her out on her post and she blasted me again, even though I had nothing to do with it. They just recognized it for what it was. The typical 'my parents have never done anything for me and when I needed them they weren't there.' I am just done, done, done. If anyone has anything inspirational to say about how you deal with the losing contact with the grandchild issue, I would love to hear it. It bolsters my resolve.
     
  17. Hi SomewhereOutThere,

    I have been struggling with my 27 year old daughter for years and I am completely drained and empty from trying to help her get her on her feet and function like a healthy adult. Somehow it always comes back on me and my shortcomings. I am just spent. I googled narcissistic adult children and I found your post, "How to stop enabling abusive narcissistic entitled adult children". It has had a major impact on me. I have finally reached the point of giving up and letting go. I am wondering if you can tell me where you found this article? I would like to know the author and possibly, more reading material.

    Thank-you so much for posting.
     
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. This is an old post. I don't remember where it came from.

    I am glad you have had enough. At w7 your daughter is too old to have you keep getting her on her feet. She has to do it herself, but obviously doesn't want to. And she went as long as you keep helping her.

    Don't give up your retirement in the hopes that Daughter will start adulting. That is on her shoulders.

    Take care!
     
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  19. Hi SomewhereOutThere,

    I found where you copied the article from: Stop enabling narcissistic adult children

    Again, thank-you so much for posting it, even though it was from a year ago! When I read it last night I knew that this is a pivotal point in my life where things are finally going to change and this is exactly what I have to do to break the unhealthy long term patterns once and for all. I also have a narcissistic mother and it took me until my mid 40s before I could finally stand up for myself and put a stop to her manipulation and control. I didn't want to believe that it could be happening again with my own daughter, but it's actually been going on for a very long time. Maybe because I was already trained to be codependent by my mother, I just took on this role with my daughter as well, genuinely believing that if I keep trying harder, that I could help her, and she would eventually become a healthy, functioning and kind person.
     
  20. LavenderShoremaid

    LavenderShoremaid New Member

    I saved this because it just hit me right when I needed it the most. My rock bottom. My journey to taking my life back