How to support my mom?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by lovemymom, Oct 26, 2016.

  1. lovemymom

    lovemymom New Member

    Hi. I found this board searching for information on adult autism.

    I am a 33 year old woman, who still lives at home. I've been diagnosed with level 2 autism. I also have Crohns Disease, depression, and migraine headaches. I recovered from a severe case of anorexia on my own that developed after a sexual assault. That was six years ago, I think. I still have rigidities around food due to autism that I work on with an Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) specialist.

    I have never used drugs or alcohol in any capacity, although I was exposed to the aforesaid growing up. I've never been driven to even try drugs or alcohol, particularly after seeing how it affected others close to me. I can't say that I've ever hung out with destructive individuals because I keep to myself a lot and I'm highly risk averse. I'm not violent, I love animals, nature, and I have a very good relationship with my mom... I'm basically your average nerd, albeit an "old" nerd.

    My problem is this: I'm concerned I'm far too dependent. Most adults my age have... relationships, houses, functional lives... they're able to support their parents when they need help, in ways I cannot support mine. I feel so guilty. I would like to hear from others in my mother's position — is there anything I can do to better support her? I wash clothes, I run some of the errands, I help her grade papers. I've tutored and babysat to bring in extra money, in addition to my SSI... It's difficult to be productive with my autism and crohn's (I take medication for the Crohn's, but I'm always in pain or tired) but I do try. I just feel ashamed of myself that I'm not doing...more.

    I stay busy in positive ways. I study three languages (Chinese, Russian, French), play violin and piano at around high intermediate level... My real passion, though, is math and physics, which I've studied to around grad level (although I have no degree). If I'm not dealing with medical issues, I spend a great chunk of my day focused on my interests, writing proofs, and reading foreign texts. I've finally managed to get out of the house to meet others with similar interests, and I took on a volunteer job. I'm auditing some math/physics courses at a local UC.... I don't know where I'm going with this. Just looking for outside opinions on how I can be the best person/daughter I can be, from the perspective of moms who might have kids in my position.

    My mom says she loves me and I'm not a problem and I help her quite a bit... but I just... worry endlessly.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi, sweetie. I have a lovely, perfect autistic son who has the advantage of not having crohns disease as well.I know somebody who has it and its very painful!! I am so sorry. I hope it is under some control.

    Let me tell you what my son did with his case manager and us helping him. He got a part time 8:30 to 12:30 job and along with SSI we found him a cozy, nice apartment for $430 a month. Our area is not near big cities so real estate is very cheap, but its a peaceful area, rural nearby. he pays electricity, which is low, cell phone which is low, buys food and I give him entertainment money each week. His rent includes water and heat. Pretty good, huh?

    I am his payee by his consent. I actually manage his money, but it all comes out of his earnings. He goes to sports for adults with special needs although so many just seem normal, like him.He is well behaved, respectful and helpful when asked and that is all we want of him. Like most with autism, he likes alone time but does have one best friend and is talkative to strangers. And he didn't talk at all until age five!

    He is a blessing. An angel, really. You sound a bit like him although he is more into computers and video stuff than academics.

    You sound like you are very busy being a sweet young woman, living a good life. You make your mom very happy, trust me, just with that. She probably brags about you like I brag about my son.

    You may live somewhere where a nice place for $430 is not possible. I would be fine if my son was still with us. Bet your mom is glad you are there too. if you are able to work part time outside the house, that may make you feel good. My son gets a cab punch card or rides his bike or walks all over He is not wanting to drive. There are ways to get around. He says driving would make him nervous. I respect him so much for admitting that yet still getting around. Do you drive? My son is very sensitive to loud noise and bright lights that you get when you drive...

    it was very fun and heart warming to read about such a nice young woman who reminds me of my awesome son. if you really want to make mom happy just remind her that you love her. A lot. I dont think moms can hear that enough! I doubt she wants you to take care of her. We dont want that from any of our four kids. We are happy when they are nice people with big hearts, like you. And you dont have toworry about her. I would not want my son to worry about me. im sure your mom just wants you to live your life and not worry about her.
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    Last edited: Oct 26, 2016
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi lovemymom, welcome.

    I imagine many of us Mom's here would want our daughters to feel about us the way you feel about your mom. Here on this site, we have difficult adult kids, you don't fit that category. I believe if you and your Mom are living together amicably, helping each other, loving each other, then it doesn't seem to me there is a problem other than your belief that there is a problem. You sound like a kind and loving daughter who is doing the very best you can with quite a number of health concerns.

    Okay, from my perspective, you are being the best daughter you can be. If you really have doubts about it, than perhaps talk to your Mom about it, ask her directly how you can help her more.......but honestly it sounds as if you and your Mom have a healthy, positive relationship. You're both very fortunate. I wish I had that relationship with my daughter....
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  4. ahhjeez

    ahhjeez Member

    This is my first post on this site, but I felt compelled to write. I also have a son who has autism. Your parents must be so very proud of you. You sound like an amazing young woman. Your concern for your mom is really wonderful. You sound like you are doing the very best you can. Living your best life is a really great way to honor your mom and it sounds like you are doing just that.
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  5. Snow White

    Snow White Temporarily in the Magic Kingdom

    Hi lovemymom! Can I adopt you? Just kidding!

    Seriously though, it sounds as though you have done a wonderful job navigating through life with your own challenges. You sound like you have a very busy schedule. And everyone has different ways of being "supportive". Don't measure yourself by anyone else's standards.

    Yes, you should talk to your Mom - I'm sure she will be open and receptive to your questions and concerns. Then you can put your mind at ease! You already sound like you have a wonderful relationship with your mom! And like recoveringenabler says, "I wish I had that relationship with my daughter, too."