I'm so sorry for your hurting mommy heart, but I do wonder why you are taking on your son's family and even his girlfriend? Your son is 33, almost middle aged, and his girlfriend should probably lose custody. She is unfit. So is your son. And you can't parent anymore. You are both ill.
There is nothing you can do, as you well know, to make your son healthy and clean and even less you can do about the girlfriend. If it were me, I would have called CPS on them both long ago for the sake of the innocent babies. I am not sure, at my age, t hat I'd want to be a parent again, but I sure wouldn't want my grandbabies in their care and I wouldn't want my grown son and his sidekick in my apartment, taking up my own life, sucking the oxygen out of my life, making me give up any time I have to be with respectful loved ones, friends, hobbies and just the fun that life offers.
Hon, you have no control over whether or not your son dies. I don't have control over my often suicidal son either. I don't try to because I don't want to waste time. If he threatens suicide to me, I call 911. It's all I can do. Like you, I have other children and a great husband and I will no longer neglect them for my over-the-top grown man 36 year old who still often acts like his is ten. It's up to him now to take care of himself. I have set strict boundaries up as far as him being allowed to interact with me. If he breaks through my boundaires, such as screaming, swearing, demeaning me, I hang up the phone. He lives a few states away. I feel I am lucky. But if he lived here, he would not be allowed in the house alone with me because he has a hard time controlling himself and I believe my house is my castle, just as he believes his house is HIS castle. As we both should.
You deserve to not only vacation with your husband whenever you like, but to rid yourself of the burden of trying to save your son. You can't do anything for anyone if the stress of it kills you. And you are not supposed to be parenting a middle age man...and his honey. Baby or not.You do not have to talk to him. I wouldn't talk to him about anything deeper than the weather and I'd hang up on him if he gets abusive. Cut off the money supply. He is old enough to get a job or apply for welfare. KICK OUT THE GIRLFRIEND! Expect abuse, as you have had experienced...it will likely get worse. That's what they all do. When we cut off the money supply, they amp up the abuse. Just make sure you are safe and maybe don't talk to him for a few weeks or read any texts...give him a chance to see that you need a break and will not engage him at all if he isn't respectful. It works if you demand it. Either that or they cut you off. Would that be so bad?
Call CPS, is my suggestion. Get the baby in good care, hopefully. Drug addicts can't provide it and you deserve a break. When was the last time you two thought about your own lives, what YOU enjoy, what YOU want, what YOU need from others in a relationship?
Take good care of a very important who is REALLY getting neglected badly...YOU!
Others should come along to offer their take on things. Trust me, I feel your pain. Now stop feeling your own pain and start living again. You should enjoy these years. I hope your son isn't the reason you lost your house, but, if it is, see what he is doing to you? Please don't let him destroy you even one more day. Detach, detach, detach.
If you go to Parent Emeritus, you can read a great article on detaching. Also, you may want to read Melody Beatty's great book "Codependent No More."