husband agreed...

[witzend]

to give an antidepressant a try. It was sooo painful to get there. We had talked about it with the therapist, who said we should discuss it amongst ourselves and that he couldn't see us again for another month. husband is the most tightly wound person I have ever met.

Over the last few months while we have been in therapy again, I have been trying to let him discuss the "homework" items that the therapist has been telling us to work on, and letting him be the "point man" on issues. I could sooner pull out his teeth with a fork before he would discuss his feelings or anything that made him uncomfortable!

 

[Hound dog]

Witz

I hope it works for your husband the way it did for mine.

My husband has always been one of the grumpiest men I know. As he aged it only got worse. I could barely stand to be around him. Then when he had nose surgery the doctor put him on Trazadone to sleep. Suddenly I had this happy go lucky man on my hands!

Once all of the healing from surgery was done doctor wanted to take him off. I said No Way!

husband has gotten a bit surly with not smoking, though. I've discovered now that I've know him as a happy person I just can't and won't take him as a grouch anymore. I think he needs a medication adjustment soon.

Hugs

 

[timer lady]

Witz,

My husband had a rough year last year with detox, rehab & the diagnosis of mood disorder (bipolar with depressive something or another), the addition of medications helped. Therapy after husband had been on medications a couple of months went much better.

Having said that, my husband was never one to share his feelings with me or say "I love you" on a regular basis. I know his love through his actions. He takes care of little things - empties the garbage when it's necessary, clears the table & loads the dishwasher after dinner, thanks me for a good meal, etc. Steps in with the tweedles when I need the break. For me, actions speak louder than words.

This didn't happen before the addition of medications - husband seems to be the man I married. It's good to see him again.

I hope you see the same positives I have.

 

[On_Call]

My husband has a short wick. Always has, although before kids, etc., he was more happy-go-lucky, for sure. Now, because of his medical issues, he's been home full time for more than a year and has severe sleep issues and somedays I'm positive he is a true difficult child in the worst sense. He is only 35 and is 100% medically disabled from the military - if he were to waive his benefits and attempt to return to work (which I'm not sure he could physically endure) we would lose all of our insurance, which we cannot afford to happen with difficult child and easy child, too.

A few months ago, one of his doctors ordered him to go for a psychiatric evaluation and I was 'psyched', because I think he may be a bit depressed over being home all the time with nothing much to do other than the usual laundry and yard work. However, he completely denies that and didn't take too much stock in what the psychiatrist said, although I was unable to go to the appointment with him, am not even sure what was said. I think it was unfortunate to have sort of squandered that opportunity, if you know what I mean. I was hoping that he would open up with someone impartial.

I know that husband would probably never take an antidepressant - particularly if I suggested it. He is going to take some classes this fall at a local university, so I think that may help him - at least he will be out and about and have something constructive to do everyday that will have him working toward something larger.

Good luck!

 

[hearts and roses]

Witz, I hope something breaks the dam for H soon and he's able to open a little. I have been wishing something would happen to make my H realize he needs SOMETHING.

When we were first together we enjoyed bike riding and hiking. Often he'd come home from work and hop on his bike and do a 20 mile ride just to destress and unwind. Then his method of unwinding and chilling after work was more often made of up a shot and beer and maybe some wine with dinner. Ugh. He stopped drinking in December (still sober!) but he hasn't followed up with any type of support group, counseling, or anything. He has now become a workaholic. He's always been a workaholic mildly, but now he eats, sleeps and thinks about nothing but the current or next or past jobs he's done (he's a contractor/builder). Even on weekends, he works, if not at smaller jobs then at home; he would work round the clock if he could, I suspect. When I see that he's had enough and is just plain miserable to be around, I have to schedule some kind of getaway, even if it's just for a day. I literally have to force him into taking time off...he fights me on it. I'll take the overworker H to the alcoholic H any day of the week, but what I'd really like is to have my relaxed, bike riding H back.

Like TM, he doesn't say "I love you" all that often, but he definitely shows me in many other ways that he loves us and he's here for life. For now, that's my solace.

Again, I really hope things break for H so he can open up.

 

[witzend]

Thanks all. I'm hopeful that this will help him to make some adjustments that are sorely needed. When husband and I were first together, I had some major situational issues that caused depression in me. He always seemed so easy going and level headed, if quiet. I realize now that he was just more easy going and level headed than me. :wink:

We have had computers in the house since we were first dating 25 years ago - when no one had a computer. M got his computer issues from his dad. The problem is that husband wants to be on the computer 24/7, and I can't live like that anymore. I don't mind him being on the computer from time to time, or even every day. But for the past 10 -15 years, it's been all he does, to the exclusion of going anywhere or doing anything, even around the house. If I want to talk to him about anything, I have to call him away from the computer. He gets on as soon as dinner is over, and stays on until midnight or later. Weekends, he just wants to be on from the time he wakes up until the time he goes to bed, and he resents it if I interfere with his schedule. He thinks he is really participating in our household if I ask him to mow the lawn on the weekend and he does it. You can forget about him edging, though. That's a seperate job. Everything's a seperate job with him.

Honestly, he is truly addicted to the esclusion of everything else in his life, and I don't know if he will ever stop. But it is a socially acceptable addiction if he can cut back his hours. I doubt I will ever get him to stop. But if he would just have some ambition to do anything around the house or with me - like talk to me - on his own without being begged, it would be more pleasant.

 

[rejectedmom]

Witz, I hope the ADs help things get better for you. Living with a depressed person is very difficult. When that person is your SO it is very hard because they are supposed to be your "soft place to land" . There was a time in recent history when you could count me among the wives with depressed husbands. My husband fought the ADs for years. Doctors and therapists alike told him he needed to try them. No way. He was a "GUY" he was going to "do it himself". He never did. I finally gave him the ultimaum. I told him I couldn't live that way anymore. I told him that he needed help just to get to the level of being able to help himself. He went on the ADs and did well. After about a year and a half he weaned himself off. He is doing well although I liked him better on the medications. He was a bit less abrupt and more tolerant of me then he is now.I find he has to be told not to be bossy and i can see him actively swollowing his un provoked hostility at times. He sees every suggestion as a critism. A carry over from having a emotionally damaging mother. But on the upside he is still ALOT better than he was before he went on the ADs and if he gets too hard to live with again I will ask him to go back on them. -RM

 

[witzend]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: rejectedmom</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> He sees every suggestion as a critism. A carry over from having a emotionally damaging mother. </div></div>

Oh, boy do I relate to that!

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: rejectedmom</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> But on the upside he is still ALOT better than he was before he went on the ADs and if he gets too hard to live with again I will ask him to go back on them. -RM</div></div>

Oh, I only hope that it will go so well for us. He got put on the Grand Jury today, and because he is unable to tell me what case he is on, I am able to tell. It's the juiciest thing to hit our county in the past 3 or 4 years. Luckily, it will be over in a week or two, but unluckily, he has an appointment with his MD's stand-in tomorrow morning, whom he's never met, and he's quite stimulated by the case. Understandably so, but I don't think that he will present an accurate picture of what he is normally like. But someone cancelled with our therapist, so we have that appointment on Wednesday evening, so things shouldn't get too far away from us before we get a chance to discuss them rationally.

I hope...

 

[rejectedmom]

Yes when they are excited about something they can seem almost normal. but with the fact that you have been in therapy for a while and I am assuming that this has been suggested by that therapist I do not think he will be refused medication. In the off chance that the psychiatrist hesitates to prescribe I would simply say that husband is currently on jury duty and it has seemed to rouse his mood because it is an exciting case but that his normal demeanor is much more down. Good luck and let us know how it goes. -RM

 

[witzend]

He got a supply of prozac today, and a return appointment in 3 weeks. Fingers crossed!