husband not on board

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by exhaustedmum, Feb 10, 2010.

  1. exhaustedmum

    exhaustedmum New Member

    so its very early on but i had a session with my family dr today about my son who i think has ODD. we had a good chat and he is going to get us into contact with a specialist. in the mean time he said he will talk to the dr. and may do some trial drugs while we wait for an appointment (which could take months).
    so i tell my husband and right away he says no way, no drugs! i don't want my kid on drugs either but if there is no other way i am going to do what is best for my son not what i want. anyways, he is away on business and couldn't come for the appointment. i just spoke to him on the phone and hung up!
    he is in such denial about how bad our son's behavior really is.......:sad-very:
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, boy, does that sound familiar!

    I cannot begin to tell you how many yrs it took to get my husband on the same page. He's a chiro and very anti-drug.

    I am so sorry.

    Can you get a better diagnosis than just ODD? That's a symptom, in my humble opinion. Have you done any neuropsychologist testing? Psychoeducational testing? What was your son like as a baby? Lots of ear infections and stomach issues? Was he a happy baby? Talk on time?

    One thing I asked on the boards here, when difficult child was very young, was whether to go ahead and medicate difficult child with-o telling husband. Most of the board members urged me not to, as it would destroy a huge amt of trust in our marriage.
    So I forced this issue, forced husband into family counseling with-a child psychologist, and after many sessions, school performance issues, and some violence from difficult child (not to mention drama and situational depression on my part) it all came together.

    I hope you don't have to go through all that!
  3. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    I'm sorry your husband is not on board. It is not uncommon for one spouse to lag behind the other in being ready to tackle treatment for a difficult child.

    I want you to know that many here do not believe that ODD is a helpful diagnosis and there really are no medications that specifically treat ODD. ODD describes a set of behaviors for which there is an underlying cause. When the underlying cause (for example, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, autistic spectrum disorder, learning disability, etc) is identified and treated, the oppositional behaviors typically subside. So it's really important that you figure out what is fueling your difficult child's oppositional behaviors so the appropriate interventions can be put into place to help him. Interventions may include medications, but they could also include therapy, tutoring, mentoring, social skills, Occupational Therapist (OT), speech therapy, exercise, etc, depending upon the diagnosis.
  4. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Julie - I'm so sorry husband isn't on board but like smallworld and Terry said, it's not all that uncommon for the parents not to be on the same page (at first). My husband and I have had our less than stellar moments over the years, mostly in the beginning when things were roughest because of difficult child's behaviors *and* because husband and I weren't on the same page. I'm not sure there's a quick fix - it took a lot of time and a *lot* of work on communication for us to become a team. A fair amount of icy silences too. ;)

    I can only wholeheartedly agree with smallworld's comments about ODD. I would be very cautious about a medication trial without having a better understanding of what might be the root of the oppositional behavior. But I also understand (and remember well) your desperation.

    One thing that did work with- my husband was I pretty much put it to him that if he was going to place arbitrary limits on what kind of treatment our son was going to receive then he needed to step up to the plate a whole lot more, and he needed to come up with a better solution. He was traveling a lot in those days (gone 3-4 nights a week) and I'm sure it put a strain on him, but when he really began to have to deal with the behaviors (and the school) on his own, he started to come around a bit. We haven't always agreed but we've learned to compromise sometimes and other times, if one of us feels really strongly about something, that partner has the final say. It's a balancing act.

    Hang in there - hopefully you can get into the specialist quickly and hopefully you and husband will be able to come to a meeting of the minds.
  5. exhaustedmum

    exhaustedmum New Member

    thanks to you all for your responses.
    ok quick run down on my problem child! he will be 7 in may. he was a collicky baby for 3 months. he had surgery at 4 weeks for pyloric stenosis. he has eating issues, ie: he won't eat meat, veggies or sauces, soups or any condiments. he pretty much lives on bread products and some fruits. he is very intelligent like his father. he is good at school. we haven't had any issues there. the teacher says she only has to ask him once.
    at home he just cant walk by his younger brother (2) or his sister (5) without hitting, tripping, pushing or bumping them. if you say no to him for anything, he yells at the top of his lungs, hits, kicks. if you ask him to do anything, same thing. he bugs bugs bugs. anyone comes over (adult males) he jumps on them, bugs them! when other kids come over he gets hyper he bugs.
    in his down time he plays lots of video games (loves hockey). he plays hockey, takes karate lessons and ski lessons, he behaves at these.
    if we visit, he acts up. i hate taking him anywhere there is a structured activity to keep him busy.

    he drives me nuts!! i havent heard anything back from my GP yet. i will phone today to see what is happening. it was my sister who found ODD for me. her son was just diagnosed with ADHD.

  6. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Hello Julie,

    I too am sorry that your husband is not on board. I also agree with the others that ODD often reflects symptoms of an underlying condition rather than the diagnosis itself. Has your son been thoroughly assessed, by a DevPed or a neuropsychologist? That can often give you a hint as to deeper issues that are causing oppositional and difficult behaviour.

    I notice that you're a fellow Ontarian. Not sure what part of the province you're in, but if you PM me and let me know your general area (e.g. north, south, etc.) I might be able to point you in the direction of some local services that might help.

    In the meantime, welcome.