husband Not on the Same Page-- vent

[EB67]

I'm in a frustrating predicament and want to know if any of you have found yourselves where I am now.

My husband is just not on the same page where it concerns understanding Seb, seeking the right professional help and the issue of discipline/support. It is crazy making.

Until this year he just rejected outright any suggestion that something was amiss with his perfect boy. When the school and doctors agreed that there was concern, he started to listen. He even went as far to accept the ADHD diagnosis-- a condition which he rejected out of hand as BS.

He has listened. But only up to a certainb point.


I drafted a list of sensory issues, behavior and mood issues that I want to address with Seb's behavioral neuro on Monday. As I read them aloud, husband walked away, waving the list off as BS. "He's 7 Ella, stop looking for problems. I was just with him at baseball. They all run and jump excessively, they all get frustrated, they all can be excitable...".

When I wanted to order some sensory equipment he laughed "You can't be for real. We're not turning our home into a rehab facility".

I'm loathing the man to be honest.

He's a workaholic and rarely available physically or emotionally. 99% of the time I am the one raising the boys. I feel like a single mother at times. I'm grateful that his too-busy-for-you lifestyle affords us a nice life but I feel like I am on my own. I am the one who lives with the issues and their effect 24/7. I am the one who does all the research, all the reading only to get waved off.

Then husband sweeps in and offers punishments and discipline that are not in line with my thinking which he rejects.

How on earth can I make the man listen?

 

[flutterbee]

I wish I had an easy answer for you, but I don't. It sounds like he's going to have to come around in his own time. Denial is a wonderful thing for many. And some people require a hit upside the head, figuratively speaking, before they'll see the light. Hopefully, as you continue with evaluations, etc, husband will be willing to listen to the doctors. It seems he did before, so there is hope!

 

[dlgallant]

Sometimes I get to the point I don't know who's harder to reason with, my husband or my difficult child! I've now been with my husband for 10 years and we've rarely been on the same page. We're pretty close in theory, but in practicality (especially with his 2 difficult child's) I've learned to accept we'll never be on the same page.

I've had the most success when he feels he's come to the conclusions on his own or from someone other than me. He has little respect for counselors and sometimes professional opinions have made matters worse. Be loving, patient, and assertive in your convictions.

 

[Kjs]

I am on the same place as you are. husband has never been accepting of anything with difficult child. It is his perfect boy. He use to try to justify his behaviors. difficult child's target is me. husband lets him talk bad to me, lets him yell at me. husband tells me I have to handle it. Well, I try to handle it and end up getting sucked in to difficult child's fight. husband just ignores it. About 3 months ago, maybe less a social worker from school called husband and set up a meeting with him. (concerns about me, since difficult child and I have difficult time seeing eye to eye). When I found out about the meeting I went too. Told SW I did not appreciate not being invited to a meeting when it concerns difficult child. During this meeting, husband did not say a single word. SW suggested counseling. I made an appointment. we went. He didn't say a single word. AFter 8 years of going through the ups and downs and arguing with difficult child I just cannot take it. This past week I told school, no more. No more phone calls. Call husband on his cell phone. He cannot answer it but will call you back on his break, lunch or after work. husband does not tell me now if school calls him. Don't care. Maybe, just maybe if he gets 5 phone calls in a 4 hour period he will take a step back and realize that something just isn't right. difficult child has definately come between husband and I. I have tried to do so much for difficult child at school, meetings, dr. appointment.'s. Especially school. I just can't do it anymore. Your son is still young. Hopefully husband will step up and be united with you in your concerns soon. It is very hard to do on your own.

 

[dlgallant]

My husband too seems to wear blinders when it comes to his sons. The boys have physically threatened us, called the police with false claims of abuse, really made our lives miserable. But husband minimizes it all as "kid stuff" and what he does see he blames on his ex. With my difficult child, he's pressured me to cut her out of our lives a few times when her behavior is mostly self-destructive and only a handful of episodes over the last 3 years.

I do what I know is right for me and my daughter and pray he can accept it. Someday it may get too much, but outside of kids he is a wonderful man and I hope he sees the light before it is too late for his 12 yr old.

If anyone finds the cure for this form of blindness please share it, I could use some.

 

[SRL]

This is very common. I'm convinced the fact that most moms are more in tune with their children combined with the fact that most dads have an advanced case of Gene Pool Pride almost guarantees you won't be on the same page.

My suggestion is to let the doctors do the talking. Don't *you* make up the list of equipment--let an Occupational Therapist (OT) do it and put it into a written report. And on the homefront keep quiet while you are doing your homework, making discoveries, putting the pieces together, and setting up the necessary appointments. I tried to include my husband as have many here, and for those who are resistive, in denial, or uninterested, sometimes it's just best to find others to be your sounding board.

There were two things that made my husband stop and listen. The first was when the princples in The Explosive Child that I'd been using starting working. Before it was just talk or words in the book or something I'd heard from someone on the internet, but when he saw tangible improvement, that made a difference. The other time was when the doctor brought up his family history and the likelihood that difficult child's issues originated there. I'm not saying he accepted it, but he did listen when in the past he'd totally waved me off ("Don't bother checking with my family--there's nothing like that there").

 

[Wiped Out]

Ella,
I'm sorry husband is not on the same page as you-it certainly makes it difficult. I have no new advice just wanted to send some cyber hugs your way.

 

[Marguerite]

Ella, can you get him to read here? Clearly not THIS thread, but if he is prepared to read anything at all, including some good, positive ideas which can help?

My husband is a lovely guy, but also a strict disciplinarian. He HAS come around though, partly because he lurks on my posts to see what I'm saying (which helps him understand where I'm coming from, as well as see the impartial advice given in a lot of other areas) as well as he finally understands that difficult child 3's bouts of aggression are NOT a direct challenge to his authority.

It's a bloke thing. Blokes need to know they are masters in their own households. To have to accept that their approach is not the accepted one, is galling. Many of them can't handle it and refuse to accept any information which challenges their view of the cosmos. I'm fortunate that husband is a SNAG (Sensitive New Age Guy) and is prepared to listen. It still took a while, though - life is stressful for him, the last thing he needed was to have to face the fact that his kids, especially his boys, are less than perfect. A man's sons are his heritage; he puts a lot of store in their success.

I read "The Explosive Child" but husband simply couldn't do it. It's not his kind of book; he has a busy life and didn't have the time; he was willing, but would fall asleep within half a page.
So I summarised it for him. In doing so, it consolidated the info in MY head, thoroughly. The best way to learn something, sometimes, is to teach it.

What does your husband do for a living? If you can plug into this, you might be able to make this work.
My husband is extremely logical, and it was logic that worked. For a banker, it can be financial costs that can work.

husband & I got thrown in the deep end because we were both present when the doctor said, "Your older son has Asperger's Syndrome, your middle daughter has some signs of it, your youngest has autism and they all have ADHD." Then as we walked around the corner to the car, my phone rang and it was MY doctor, ordering me into hospital. We were separated as we both had to deal with the diagnoses and the outcomes.

This meant we had to do a lot of talking, over the phone. We didn't resolve everything, we only dealt with the immediate essentials. We still had many, many problems and storms to weather over the next few years, but it was a start that you don't seem to have had, Ella.

You need to talk, but he can't cope with too much. So you need to cut it down to bare essentials. For a lot of men, they don't like to talk because they just want the facts, ma'am. While We want to discuss it, examine every nuance, brainstorm this and that, while the man of the house is looking at his watch and planning a golf game or a business meeting. They simply tune us out. It's a bloke thing.

So draw it up like a balance sheet. Do a PMI on the boys (PMI = Plus, Minus, Interesting). Maybe do it like a mind map. But list the problems and the evidence for the current diagnosis. List the GOOD things that are an advantage for Seb, such as his high intelligence, high capability and the way ADHD teaches Seb to narrow down his concentration to a tiny point, and to shut out distractions (that does take time, but it is a common self-taught coping strategy especially in bright ADHD kids). List Seb's interests and gifts.

Next list - what to do, to maximise outcome for Seb. Some therapeutic equipment actually looks like ordinary play equipment. List the PHYSICAL benefits of getting this stuff, for both boys. And when he begins to use it, keep a record of how he's going, especially of any positive progress.

Next list - what you feel you need to achieve, to give Seb the best opportunities to be the best he can be and to be happy and independent.

Then cut this down to bare bones, to one page. You need to keep the whole thing positive to keep husband on side. Remember, there can be advantages to having ADHD. (I do still wonder about Donald Trump - I'm sure his hair, at least, is hyperactive).

When your husband reports a good day at the sporting field, don't disagree. tell him that it's wonderful that they both had a good day. Sporting fields are a really good place for ADHD kids, so maybe continuing to take him to sport is a good outlet as well as good fitness training for Seb. The boys will do much better in one-to-one situations, so maybe include some academic coaching for Seb, to help him feel confident in his favourite subjects (or ones he's having more trouble with). I'm sure husband should have no problem with wanting to help Seb capitalise on his already above-average ability. If you 'sell' it that way, it should work.

I strongly recommend you read "The Explosive Child". Use the same techniques on your husband! It works! And it's good practice for using it on the boys. It will also open doors of communication for you, in much the same way that it stops the parent-child relationship being adversarial.

Marg

 

[timer lady]

Ella,

husband, while not always on the same page, gives me free reign when it comes to kt & wm. He's admitted he isn't the "pro". Having said that he does have my back in all situations & decision made on behalf of tweedles dee & dum.

If nothing else, ask your husband to at least fall in line & help back you up.

 

[ROE]

I feel for you. When I was married, husband was not in tune to how bad things really were. I tried to talk to him, and he blew me off too. My husband was never around much either so he was clueless, and sadly he really Preferred it that way.

My husband had a rude awakening when difficult child had a complete melt-down and husband was the target for a change. He decided that he should quit his second job (which I am convinced he took just to get away). Now he was home evenings and had the chance to see difficult child in his full glory on a regular basis. So now he can admit that difficult child's issues definitely were and still can be above and beyond a typical child (particularly when HE has a problem with him) but he remains on the sidelines to this day.

I'm sorry I have no advice for you, just sympathy. I think SRL has made some very good points. Continue to do your homework. There may come a time when your husband is ready and willing to acknowledge the problems and work with you.

 

[sweepymom]

mine is the same way he just brushes off any of the things I have to say about the kids. Will not give any medications, discipline is a joke when it comes to him. I am an at home mom and he seems to think I have all day "OFF" as he likes to call it. With my kids if I am with them all day and I need a break either I have to fight with him and the kids to be in the same room as each other or I have to wait until I put the kids to bed.