husband STINKS!!!

[SearchingForRainbows]

difficult children issues have caused many problems in my relationship with husband. Some of the problems were probably always beneath the surface but probably wouldn't be out in the open if we didn't have two difficult children. So, in a way, maybe difficult children are doing us a favor!!! In some ways, we just aren't compatible.

I vacillate between wanting to keep our marriage intact to wanting to divorce. Every time I make a list of pros and cons, there seems to be about an even number on both sides of my list.

My biggest problem with husband is that he doesn't stop to think most of the time before acting out. Last night was a perfect example. difficult child 1 was doing something he wasn't supposed to do. I confronted difficult child 1 and difficult child 1 denied doing anything wrong. husband automatically took difficult child 1's side and was belittling me in front of difficult child 1.

husband knows this is the worst possible thing he can do but is either unable or unwilling to stop. difficult child 1 thrives on conflict - HE LOVES IT!!! So difficult child 1 totally enjoyed last night's fireworks.

I'm always the one who remains calm in front of my difficult children. No matter what husband says, I don't fuel the fire. husband knows this about me. In some ways I think husband has an inferiority complex and feels a need to exert control over me. It SUCKS!!!

Anyway, now I will have the week from HELL with difficult child 1!!! Sorry this is so long... I guess I just need to vent!!! WFEN

 

[tiredmommy]

WFEN,
I'm sorry husband is being a difficult child. My husband stopped this when I threatened him with family counseling. Also, his father and a dear friend of his had seen him in action. Both told him it was unmanly to make the mother of your child look bad. That helped. Now as for difficult child 1, I'd say husband just inherited your problem week.

 

[Sue C]

Dear WishingForEmptyNest,

I hear ya! My husband sides with my difficult child sometimes and it makes me so angry. He also gives in to her wishes. Drives me crazy. If she and I are fighting, he'll say, "BOTH of you stop it." That really makes me mad.

Anyway, instead of your list of pros and cons, what not try going back in time to what made you love your husband in the first place. Were you compatible then? Were you madly in love? Did you do fun things together? I think if there was a spark way back, then it's still there. The difficult children have just made situations in our marriages tense.

I can't wait to be an empty nester, too. husband and I are saving money for a vacation, and we dream of owning a log cabin Up North someday. It's good to dream. It helps.

Sue

 

[Hound dog]

You can still love 'em and want to throttle them silly.

Sometimes I wish those old cassette recorders where still around. I think if some people could hear themselves during an arguement they'd be stunned at how they act.

I'd be pushing as much difficult child responsibility husband's way as possible for this week. He did create the problem afterall.

(((hugs)))

 

[timer lady]

My husband & I spent the last year healing; the last year coordinating our parenting strategies - learning to cover one another's back.

Triangulation by a difficult child is one of the worst things for a marriage; it's so easy to get pulled into it.

All I can offer is to sit down with husband & have an open, honest discussion.

You need to be there for one another - to cover one another's backs. To do that, you need to work it out between the 2 of you.

Sending you positive thoughts tonight. I hope it's settled down in your home.

 

[Marguerite]

You said, "My biggest problem with husband is that he doesn't stop to think most of the time before acting out."

So where did the difficult child-ness in your kids come from? Consider genetics.

And if this is the case, then accept that he IS going to be impulsive and childish. NEVER accept the put-downs in front of the kids, but ALWAYS sort them out in private, even if HE doesn't. And if he continues to break the rules (which you and he have to agree on, in private - draw them up as a contract if necessary) then you CAN begin to humorously 'put him down' in front of difficult child 1. "OK, difficult child 1 and husband - am I going to have to send BOTH of you to your rooms?" Set up a code ahead of time, which you can use to let husband know that he's undermining your contract and your parenting. And if he disagrees with the contract and the parenting issues AFTER you've privately agreed on them - confront him. Ask him right out, "Are you feeling emasculated because I'm acting as the stronger parent? Are you undermining me merely to assert your own superior parental authority?"
If you can't agree on this, show him the door, tell him it's open either direction - he can stay (or return) when he can not undermine you, or he can stay away until he's worked out how to live by the rules of society (which includes the rules of family).

But if he's difficult child too, you need to find a way that will work for him. Help him find his way to feel he is supporting you, but you are also supporting him.

You may well benefit from some family counselling, if this is causing so much trouble. It's worth considering.

Marg

 

[gcvmom]

Forgive me for chiming in, but I can't help but relate to what you're feeling. My husband is also a difficult child -- and looking back, I was given obvious clues to his nature before we married, but I chose to ignore them. That's my fault.

I've felt the same things as you -- torn between wanting to be here in this family and wanting to be somewhere far, far away. And there are days when I can vacillate between the two.

My husband tried medications for his ADHD and (long story short) then went off after a car accident. Life was really looking good for those couple of years he was medicated. Needless to say, it's not as rosy now, although he's matured a bit so some things are a little better. I still dream that he'll go back on them...

I agree with Marguerite's advice.

P.S. We tried counseling, but husband difficult child got worse with it (partly due to a bad match with therapist).

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Thank you for all of the advice and support!!! husband and I were going to meet this morning to talk but, as you all know, everything is always subject to change. The kids didn't have school today. husband went to work at his usual time instead.

I know we will sit down and talk asap. Unfortunately, the kids have vacation next week. We don't have any help with child care. So, unless we can throw them all outside for awhile, our talk will have to wait until they go back to school. WFEN

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

husband surprised me this morning by rearranging his schedule so we could talk after the kids left for school. We talked for over two hours. I think the meeting was very positive.

Marg, prior to our talk, I kept thinking about your comment that husband could be a difficult child. I definitely think there is some truth to this. We did discuss this also. He knows he is too impulsive and quick to act without thinking. We're working on ways to improve this...

We also talked about life after difficult children (Hopefully!!!) leave the nest. You're right Sue C - it is good to remember why you're together in the first place and to have something to look forward to once the difficult children are grown. We both have the same dream for the future... It's a start...

TM and Daisylover, husband is definitely having to deal with difficult child 1's negative behavior this week!!!

Linda, You're right - triangulation is one of the worst things that can happen to a family!!!

gcvmom, I'm hoping that things between husband and you continue to improve...

And, everyone, thanks again for your support!!! WFEN :smile:

 

[Sue C]

I'm glad you had a positive talk with your husband!!!!!

sue

 

[Hound dog]

I'm also glad you and husband were able to sit down and talk things through. :smile:

 

[ScentofCedar]

This book was especially helpful to me.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.

My husband was (and still can be, though it is all so very subtle, these days) verbally abusive. If your husband verbally undermines you in any sense, this book may be helpful to you, as well.

Barbara

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Barbara,

Thanks for the advice!!! As soon as I can, I'm going to get a copy of that book. Thanks again. WFEN