Husband took over

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by SomewhereOutThere, Apr 20, 2015.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi, friends. I had a really nice night last night and it makes up for the week before.

    First of all, I called my dear, dear, dear soulmate who lives in Illinois and we had a long, long talk, just like we used to, about everything under the sun. We know each other since her little boy was born and he is now almost thirty. We never fail to connect on a very deep level of understanding and we have probably shared everything about ourselves with one another and have also had many talksabout life, the afterlife as we know it, God, karma, and you name it. I am so grateful for her time tonight and since she has some stories to tell me, we are going to talk another night and it will be my turn to listen. This is how we have always worked and I love her more than almost anyone in the world.

    Secndly, my dear husband (everyone should have a husband like him) has taken control of the family of origin issue and from now on if there is to be any conversation regarding my ex-siblings from my father he has to call my husband, not me. My husband is upset that I have been upset, and he finally said to direct the calls to him, that he would not be married to me for almost twenty years if I was even one eighth as bad as they say I am, that they have no business trying to tell me where to post (I guess Sis is trying to use Dad to get me to stop talking about my hurting past on the internet). Husband just said nobody has any right to tell me what to talk about a long as I don't give out any identifying information. He also has a clear memory of my mother abusing son and me and is not going to make me hear that she didn't abuse me anymore. He also wants to put the kibosh on my hearing about the others, who he is not fond of. So Dad has to decide if he wants to talk about that anymore, but, if he does, my husband made it clear that he is the go-to person, not me. We wrote the letter together. It was a loving letter, but made it clear that I am no longer going to be hearing any siblilng gripes that really stem from old grudges of long ago. And that's the end of it. If either of them come up, I hand the phone to my husband. Perhaps he won't call at all. I want him to stay in touch, but it is up to him. I can not decide for him.

    I am so relieved. Hubby would have taken over a long time ago, but I am trying to heal and I wanted to do it myself, but my therapist convinced me that it is ok to ask for help ifI need it. Asking for help is hard for me, even from my husband, because...I don't know. I always feel like I'm the one who needs to defend me, but at this point in time, I just want the pressure off of me and to focus on my real family.

    Which brings me to more good news, which I am happy about. Jumper comes home from school very soon. After that, we plan on taking a trip to see Princess and the baby, who gets bigger, smarter and prettier every time I see her. We Skype daily and she knows me very well! When she sees me, she gets all excited. I wonder if she thinks I live in her The last time I was there, she looked a little puzzled that I wasn't in her tablet!!!! So "the girls"...Jumper, Princess and Buddha Baby should be together again soon and we always have fun together.

    Now if only the weather would stay nice...but it's Wisconsin. That's asking too much, even in April!

    Love you all! Thanks for listening!
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2015
  2. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Your hubby is wonderful!!!!!!!!!!! I agree, relax, who knows maybe this will help ease the situation with your family. Hugs:likeit:
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I don't consider them family. DNA connections is all. Strangers. They want to hurt me and that isn't family. Remember, family is loving, caring and forgiving.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    DNA connections = BIO family.
    Bio-families can be... whatever.
    "Real" families love, and care, and try to work things out.

    And sometimes our "real" families include people we aren't even legally related to - people who act and feel like family, even though they are technically friends.
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  5. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Yes, you all are right.. I meant to type more but, my sons home so, I keep getting off the computer when my dad needs to leave( hes giving me a break).
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    What a saint your husband is. And how great to have such a friendship.

    What blessings, SWOT, and that was before I even got to the part about the baby thinking you live in the Tablet. :angel:

    The situation with your father makes me think about a family drama I read about that is similar, but involves famous people.

    There is a writer named Lily Brett who has a younger sister, also a writer. Lily Brett writes memoirs and fictional pieces based upon her own life. Their parents were holocaust survivors. Lily wrote about her abusive Mother.

    Her sister denied that abuse occurred. Rather, the younger sister claims that Lily bullied HER and tyrannized her throughout her childhood.

    Well, here is the kicker which makes me relate their situation to your own.

    The father, now 96 or so blamed his younger daughter. Why? Because he insisted she not publicly criticize the other more famous daughter, Lily Brett.

    So, now we get to you and your family. My Gosh. You are trying to help yourself and others, mightily. You are only constructive and hopeful. You are telling your own truth...not more, not less.

    Let your family get real. After all, you could be writing memoirs WITH EVERYBODY's NAMES
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Copa, every single person in a family has a different experience and there is unfortunately a scapegoat syndrome where one person is blamed for everyeone's problems. Everyone in my family of origin had problems and they were pretty serious. I'm the one who got blamed for mine, as I was most vulnerable, but I was also the one who spoke out about my problems to others and tried to get help as early as possible and it worked. My life is good now. However else somebody else sees me, does not compare to the happiness and peace (peace is very important to me, maybe because I grew up in chaos) that I have had since I met my wonderful husband and moved to a wonderful, quiet little area. Just like the writer's sister, I'm sure the sister believes her own experience is the real truth. There is no real truth. What we all live can be very different in the same place. I wish I did not have to criticize my mother, but she was horrible to me. And it was deliberate. And it was with a cruel smile in her head. And if it wasn't like that for the others, I believe it. But I'm not here to talk about their experience in our family home. I'm here to heal myself. And venting is sometimes very cleansing.

    Some people can look back and remember wonderful times in childhood. I remember only the times I did well in drama. My mother liked that. I remember a few vacations to Michigan and I en joyed them. Aside from that, I just remember getting yelled at at home and bullied at school as the one who is bullied at home is usually also bullied other places. I credit my very first best friend whom I met at thirteen for teaching me how to fight the bullies because I had never been taught how to stick up for myself and sometimes did not do it appropriately. Now I know how. And being silent is not the way.

    Notate here, I am not writing a memoir about my family (although it has crossed my mind...hehe). J/K.

    One of the brothers in "A Child Called It" says that "it wasn't that bad" and that his brother who wrote the book is exaggerating. He was the Golden Child. In fact, in the book, David Pelzer says that this sibling almost took on a husband role to the mother and made decisions with her. That is so typical in a dysfunctional home...that one child is considered so saintly that he can help make family decisions. I believe David Pelzer. Maybe some people don't and believe his brother. I think Mr. Plezer did abused children everywhere a huge favor by being one of the very first to speak out about such horrific abuse that some people did not even know that degree of abuse, plus being unable to get help, even exists. My take on it is, good for him!!! At least to me, David made his case and I don't think the brother's truth was David's experience. Any time a family member speaks out, there are rumblings about "he's wrong" from the others. David Pelzer has four siblings and none of them speak. That is also common in dysfunctional homes. Splits, fights, accusations of lies, namecalling, holidays spent with the new families (the ones we married into) are all symptoms of having grown up in a sick household. But we can get lucky, meet a guy like I did, and have a great self-made family :). We can be happy. Thank God I went for help early on. Nobody took me...I went on my own.
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2015
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Copa, I need to thank you.

    I read your post to me again and suddenly I felt relieved and freed. I can't tell you how validating it felt to read about this family of squabbling siblings over this author's memories of her family and it brought up the Plezers and reminded me that nothing should matter to us except our own experience. It makes more sense now t hat my siblings are denying my own experience whereas it puzzled me at first. Now I get it.

    I suspect that this happens in any family where somebody speaks out about family abuse, whatever the degree. Some abuse is obvious, like David Pelzer's, whom California's Social Services called the third worst case it had ever seen. Some abused kids are not beaten physically (just emotionally) or starved and walk around looking healthy and fortunately few kids have it as bad as David, but more do than most people think. And once you break the silence, and the rest of the family knows it, there is strife. It has to happen as everyone chimes in on what they think really happened. So since my siblings were reading my "memoir" they chimed in on it, like Pelzer's siblings did. One sib, Russell, wrote his own book about his lovely mother who started picking on HIM once David was gone.

    I understand now how this entire dynamic with my siblings happened. They are just doing what always gets done when somebody speaks out. They are trying to say the truthteller is not telling the truth. Now it probably was NOT their truth, but nothing will ever make me budge from it being my experience in that house with those people and a bunch of psychiatrists and therapists have heard the same version. There is nothing to be gained by crying abuse to people who don't know you, don't even know your name. Attention on the board? Well, I get enough attention in my life and don't really like attention, period. But I suppose that could be argued as well. EVERYTHING that ANYONE claims can be argued against.

    I feel as if the puzzle pieces have finally been put together now. I told my truth and they didn't like it so it couldn't be true...just like others who have spoken out.

    I would never write a memoir with real names and places. I do think some people do it to hurt their family of origin. Others, like David, had to use his name or who would believe that a mother made a kid drink bleach? Plus his case is public record. But my sibs are overreacting to me. I am typing on a safe place for me where I have been for eyars. At first I came here to get suggestions about my kids, who are doing well now, thank you. But now I am here to help others, because people helped me so much, and to vent about anything I want to. And I love this site and the people on it. Another site would not be the same for me.
  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I see strength, not vulnerability, You spoke out. You got help.

    The child and young adult you describe had sensitivity, courage, determination and hope.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Copa. I did get help. I voluntarily admitted myself to a very good teaching hospital to find out why I would get so depressed. I do have a depression problem (fortunately my current medications have helped me for decades). I just knew I didn't want to be miserable forever and I wanted to get better and I knew I had some sort of mental health issue that needed help. If I had not gone for help or had used substances, even alcohol, it would have messed me up beyond being able to live the life I live today. I was smart about some things, such as knowing something was wrong so that it was best not to use drugs. I also did not have premarital sex. I am about the only person in my age bracket I know of who didn't. I knew that would mess me up too and I also wanted to be good. In the forefront was a rebellious, angry young woman, but in the back of my mind I just wanted to be good. I never broke the law or made my situation worse, except for not seeing that I'd have been better off leaving FOO right then and there.

    I was vulnerable. I did have courage. I did not speak out at that young age though. At that age, I still thought my mother was a wonderful mother who just treated me like dirt because I deserved it. Undoing that thinking took a lot of time. Imagine a kid or young adult who thinks she deserves to be treated badly? When my first husband treated me badly (he namecalled a lot) I thought it was normal and that he was right about me. When I started going to Codependents Anonymous Meetings and got healthier, he was very threatened and I eventually filed for divorce. My three kids paid the price for that I sometimes think. At any rate, that's what I did because my ex was not going to change and I had.

    Since marrying my husband of today my life has been so different. I learned what it's like to live with people who love and respect you. I owe it to him. We adopted two of the greatest kids on God's green earth and along with Bart a nd Princess and the grands, holidays are fun and life is good. It did not always go smoothly with the kids. You all know that. But it's good now and it has always been good between my husband, myself, and the two kids we adopted together. I think kids can tell when two people are in love and are going to stay together. I think it makes a difference in their security level.

    Thanks again for your generosity.
  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Smart, SWOT. And so self-loving. Got to run some errands. Will get back to you later.