I am an enabler

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by vivivixx, Apr 2, 2013.

  1. vivivixx

    vivivixx New Member

    My almost 32 yo daughter has been living with us going on three years following a breakup with her girlfriend. She is taking medications for major depression. She also drinks heavily and takes pills. Last year she was arrested for uttering a forged script for percs, we hired a lawyer for her and she is now on PT. She swore up and down that she will never do stupid stuff again, being in jail for 2 days scared the hell out of her, yeah well we all know how that goes. She finally got a job 2 months ago after 2 years of not working. She became involved with a married woman 2 years ago, who was a close friend of hers. Since this person will not leave her husband and has told my daughter this, my daughter will go on binges several times a week (at the worst point) because her girlfriend won't make her a priority and my daughter rages and takes it on on everyone else when she drinks.
    A couple of months ago, this chick moved out of state and after a couple of weeks mourning her, my daughter rebounded, found a job, hung out with new friends, etc. Then this chick moved back and it started all over again supposedly as just friends. We told her its impossible to be friends right now. Of course we don't know what we are talking about and the drinking and anger came back. Then the girlfriend wouldn't talk to her for three weeks and again, daughter became a different person and even found someone she was interested in dating. Of course then the old girlfriend called her to see how she was and here we go again, since then (last week) she has drank everyday and popped Gods knows what, I think she drinks to help with the pain of being a side POA. It's like she is obsessed. I have pleaded with the girlfriend to leave her alone but she won't. Daughter gets so drunk she doesn't remember anything, she will curse me out, steal from me, and embarrass my husband and I. We gave her so many chances and last night was the last straw. She had to go to work and came home drunk again and freaking out on me. She was mad because I will run her phone and search her room and poor baby has no privacy. I said too bad, then don't live her, she said f you you :censored2: . Last straw, I told her to get the f out of my house and don't come back. I said I warned you I would not put up with this anymore. I even texted the girlfriend that I am going to go to her parents who are involved in a custody dispute with her and open their eyes, I'm even ashamed to say I hope she dies.

    My daughter left screaming outside cursing us at the top of her lungs. She called a little while later and said I turned my back on her, I said she stabbed me in the back with her false promises. She did make it to work since she needs money for a motel room because she called me at 1:30 am to tell me to leave her a blanket on the porch so she won't be cold. From reading the posts on here I see she is a manipulative scheming person which I already knew deep down.

    She has gone to bars and gotten so drunk because her girlfriend can't meet her, once I got a call from a friend that daughter was in a parking lot of a bar physically fighting a guy. The guy was afraid of her, I managed to get her in the car by pulling her hair, we drive down the road and she proceeds to start stabbing herself and my car seat with a box cutter. We were going to take her to the hospital when she calmed down. She has taken food from my house to give to her loser friends who don't work, she has brought her loser friends to my house, left one here when she went to store and the guys stole all of my jewelary. Has stolen every botle of liquor that was hidden, we rarely drink so had a lot left over from various functions. I do not know how she hasn't gotten alcohol poisen, she only weighs about 130 and can literally drink a big bottle of vodka. Beer doesn't make her angry just vodka which she prefers. Most of the time she just freaks out on me, has alot of anger towards me but I can't figure out why and her bio father bailed out on her when she was five. Sometimes I say to myself if she is no longer here I would be able to live a normal life instead of one in fear about what will happen next. And then I pray to God that I didn't mean it and to keep her safe.

    Heres a good one, she was as usual drunk, got hit by a car while walking, (it was an ex friend who was mad at her because his wife and my daughter were caught making out, she denied that and said the girl in question kissed her and her husband saw it) and because she runs her mouth when drinking, she was brought to jail too. The only friends she has are the loser druggies she runs with but they won't take her in, imagine that. There have been so many horrible instances that I think I have PTSD. I pop xanex like crazy due to panic attacks.

    Now when she isn't drinking which is when her girlfriend is out of the picture, she is the most sweetest, compassionate, helpful person in the world.

    Now I am sick to my stomach, I couldn't even stay at work, had to pop a xanex again because i couldn't stop shaking. I will not call her but I know she will have to come here to get her clothes. I know I have to stay firm in keeping her out but my God, my heart is breaking. She had so much promise, she could have been anything she wanted to be and chose this instead. I have spent so much money on therapy, and on doctors. She agreed to take antabuse so I took her to the dr., paid for script, and she started drinking on it. One time while she was at a party with her girlfriend she decided to ride a bike, she was drunk while on antabuse and her blood pressure dropped (which is a side effect) and she smashed her face on the handlebars, inverted her front teeth which required a visit to a specialist which cost me a small fortune. I finally threw the antabuse out. And no it did not make her sick while she drank on it, just more drunk.

    I'm sorry this is so long but I needed to unload, no-one, not even my husband knows everything. I want to cry and am so worried about her. I will not however, let her back in. At least I hope I won't. I'm tired of making pretend all is great to everyone on the outside. I get so sad when my friends start talking about how great their kids are doing, doctors., teachers, happily married, etc.

    Thanks for listening and now I think I have to throw up.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    ViVi, welcome. I am very sorry you are going through this drama with your daughter. You are not alone, many of us here have lived a similar story, it is very painful, sad and out of our control. I believe you are doing the right thing in asking her to leave. It's a hard road, but at 32 years of age, she is way old enough to know better.

    Perhaps you look up the local woman shelters and provide her the addresses and put her clothes in a bag outside. You don't have to see her. You can also call the police if she gets violent of abusive. If you see her be very prepared for the onslaught of MAJOR manipulations to get you to feel sorry for her and to give her what she wants. Most of our kids are masters at that. Hold your ground, it is the only way you will ever get your life back and find some semblance of peace. Otherwise you will simply be held hostage by her crazy making continuing dramas.

    My advice to you is to get yourself some serious support. This is a pattern you and your daughter have perfected over many years, it will be very difficult for you to break it. You will need some professional support and tools to learn how to detach and to accept what you cannot change. Your daughter sounds as if she may be an alcoholic. You cannot change her, nor can you help her. She has to help herself. And, what I believe is the truth is that as long as you allow her to live in your home and you withstand all the abuse from her, she will NEVER change. The only person who can change this is YOU. And, it is hard to do. Which is why I recommend a therapist to help you.

    You may want to read the article at the bottom of my post on detachment, it's helpful. I'm very glad you found us, there are many wonderful parents here who will give you support and offer the knowledge that you are not alone. Keep posting, it really helps. I'm truly sorry you are going through this and I hope you seek help for YOU so that you can begin to heal from your daughter's bad choices. I wish you peace.............
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there and welcome to the board, although really sorry you have to be here. Wow. Quite a story, but not so unusual here. Have you gone to Al-Anon? Are YOU in therapy for yourself? You matter too!!!

    I agree with RE and hope you start taking care of yourself. You've done everything you can for her. Now it's your turn to try to have a peaceful, good life with the people in your life who can recipricate your good heart. Maybe you and hub can start spending more quality time together and, if you have other children, them too. Or your friends.
  4. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi Viv,

    We have all enabled to one degree or another. And you are finding out, just as we all have, that enabling does no good for either the enabler or the enablee.

    Stay strong, let her figure out what to do with her life.

  5. nerfherder

    nerfherder Active Member

    Everyone here is right. The relationship pattern is pretty common regardless of sex. You have strength inside, now it's time to use it for your own well being not hers.
  6. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    You have come to the right place. The situation with your daughter, though the details may be different, is not uncommon here. Keep writing as I think it's cathartic and opens the window to our own thinking. Sharing it in a supportive environment with others who understand is powerfully soothing to a exhausted and weary mother's soul.
  7. vivivixx

    vivivixx New Member

    Thank you all so much, you just don't know - well I guess you all do know, what these words you have written mean to me. It gives me strength and hopefully in time will soothe my ehausted and weary soul. That is a perfect way of describing it DazedandConfused. She stopped by for her clothes, was a little mad but I told her I couldn't do it anymore. She is staying in a friends shed so I truly hope she wakes up and says this is what I became. I'm not backing down though Either way, I will worry about her and its easier if its not here. For most of her life it has just been her and I, my parents died when I was a child, her paternal side she never saw, so I think we grew too dependent on each other over the years. When she left I cried harder than I have in a long time and now it's done. I do not go to therapy, though I have thought at times I should and will think about it. I hope all of you find or have find peace in your lives too.
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm glad you're holding your ground Vivi, you're doing the right thing, hard as it is, for yourself, and really, ultimately for your daughter too. I have a grown daughter, 40 years old, who has "issues" and has drug me around with those issues for years. Like in your situation, it was just she and I for most of her life, so that enabling thing is easy to slide into. Last year I did what you did, in essence, and my life has begun to not only be my own once again, but I am finding peace of mind and joy to reign, rather then the continuous drama. The worry will cease as you get used to this new normal, although, with their poor choices it does continue to exist to some degree. The best thing you can do now is to focus on YOU and what your needs are and what makes you happy. It's a whole new ball game now, life is no longer about her it's about YOU. I so wish you peace..........hugs.....
  9. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    It is extremely difficult and my BiPolar (BP) was through the roof. I find that the 'average' person just doesn't understand the toll it takes on us. A 38yo was in trouble in my area due to drugs, alcohol, and poor choices, all I kept hearing was, 'where is his family?'.

    As RC posted it does get easier as we step back and let them live their lives and take control of ours again. I have so many friends and family members dealing with difficult children and the same pattern will continue if you let it.

    It's hard to understand (at first anyway) that we are doing them just as much harm as oursleves by enabling them. The many books on enabing and codependence are a great help. I also have to come back and reread some of the posts and well as reread some of the books when I start to second guess my decison to step back and live my own life. I have days where I still play the 'what if' and 'what did I do wrong' game, but overall I am much more at peace without the constant daily drama. Remember the only actions that you can control are yours.

    (((huggs and blessings for us all)))
  10. vivivixx

    vivivixx New Member

    You all are my saviors right now. No-one else understands. I am going through every page on this site and just reading and crying and feeling less alone. I wish I would have found this site years ago. Thank You from the bottom of my heart. Hey, maybe I can go on vacay now and actually enjoy myself instead of worrying :)
  11. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Go on vacation and have some fun!!
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I cried for three weeks when my daughter went with her brother. She wouldn't speak to me.

    I hope you can start to enjoy your life now. Your happiness should not depend on your daughter's happiness. You can still have a fun, good life. I like the idea of a vacation!! A really extravagant one :) Turn off the cell phone!