I am consumed

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by shellyd67, May 18, 2011.

  1. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    I do not want to make this a "poor me" thread, I really don't.

    I am profoundly depressed. I have NEVER been depressed in my life.

    Yes, I have been sad, overwhelmed, but always managed to pull myself out of it.

    I feel like I know all of you and your difficult child's. Even though I never laid eyes on any of you or heard your voices, I feel a closeness and a sisterhood with all of you.

    I have let myself get into a funk now and then and thanks to Star's youtube video of Parliment singing "We got the funk" I was able to laugh myself out of it.

    This is much more, I am so consumed with difficult child's issues I cannot think of anything else.

    husband called my parents and my brothers on Sunday to report what was going on.

    I am not nor have ever been so weak and I am scared.

    I love husband and he loves me. No doubts. We have a happy marriage despite everything.

    easy child is a wonderful girl who makes me feel like a good parent.

    I have alot to be thankful for and I know in many ways I am blessed with alot of wonderful things.

    I see my new therapist next Thursday and I am so looking forward to it.

    I just cannot stop crying and wish I didn't feel so consumed.

    I just want to get back to taking one day at a time.

    Thanks for listening... Shelly
  2. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Aw, Shell....I'm so sorry. I've been there, too, and its no fun.

    Try to find something enjoyable to do. I always make myself fake it for half an hour. If I'm still miserable, I quit. Generally I find I'm truly enjoying myself after that time. But its SO hard.

    Have faith...hugs.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I think most of us have had these periods. I know I have had times where I've felt like I was literally drowning in gfgdom.

    I had to learn to take ample time for myself in order to cope with the never ending stress and demands. I started with long walks. (sometimes wondering if I'd not return home) Sometimes would sink into a good book.....lock myself in the bedroom and ignore everyone for an hour. Didn't have to be something huge or expensive, just some good ol' me time to disengage for a while.
  4. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Don't have a "way with words" today but I wanted to send a hug your way. I am glad you have a therapist to talk with even though I know that is never a solution in and of itself. I'm just glad you have an outlet. I am also glad to hear you so self aware of how out of the ordinary it is for you personally to feel this deeply depressed. I have complete faith that you're going to find your spark again. Be gentle on yourself as you get back on happier feeling ground.
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Shelly, I hear you.
    Your son sounds so much like mine. It is draining.

    I often just go to bed. (In fact, I'm considering it now, for 45 min until difficult child comes home.) Problem is, then I have to get up again.

    I'm not crying. But I'm ... wobbly. Exhausted. Know what I mean?? These kids can suck the life right out of you.

    I hate it when I start to cry and can't stop. So I make myself NOT cry.

    When you see your therapist, don't take it personally if s/he suggests a medical dr and some medications. It's okay. Sometimes chocolate and wine just aren't enough. And hugs aren't enough.
    Last edited: May 18, 2011
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs, Shelly. I've been there, too.
  7. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Shelly, I am sorry you are feeling so down. We all care and are hoping that you soon get some relief. Please do something for yourself. Dealing with difficult child issues is extremely difficult and it's hard to give up the mess, ecspecially when you are going thru it. I struggle everyday, but feel better now that I think of myself first sometimes. I deserve that, my difficult child doesn't. I let it go way to far and it seriously affected my health. Today is the first day that I can actually do all of my work at my job that I was capable of doing a year and 1/2. Concentration and memory was so bad due to stress. Made me realize that I am important, that I can't wake up and go to bed, dealing with nothing but thoughts of difficult child and what she will do and might do. Hang in there it will get better.
  8. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I am so sorry. I have been there many times, especially recently. The crying uncontrollably scares the heck out of me - so like Terry - I try to make myself not ever cry, which is sometimes more exhausting than just crying.

    This last period in Sept when I got fired, and my Dad was dying was a deal breaker for me. I was having physical manifestations of the depression, because I wasn't dealing with the depression, so I went to the Dr. I had already been on Lexapro, but it just wasn't enough. I finally opened up and let them add another 3 medications, Klonopin, Ambien, and Wellbutrin. It was NOT what I wanted, but I also knew I couldn't live the way I was. It was killing me.

    With that medication combo, and starting to do long distance phone calls with my therapist from Dallas I actually made it through my Dad's death without an emotional breakdown. That was pretty huge, because I wasn't sure I could.

    So please, take care of yourself. Be open to what your therapist says, and don't deny yourself some medication if they suggest it. I am almost off the Klonopin now, and I am lowering the other medication doses. Sometimes you just need something to get you to the other side.

    So many hugs- hang in there...............
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    by the way, just to add a note of hope, I was taking Ambien for a while and rarely take it anymore. I have not refilled the scrip and do not intend to. I have 6 left. It was making me forgetful, and it was too hard to get up in the a.m. with-o a sluggish feeling.

    Luckily, and strangely, I caught a cold, and got my period, which wiped me out. I slept and slept. Haven't had a problem since. Best/worst way to wean off a medication. Not sure I recommend it, but I'm glad I'm not on the drug for the rest of my life!
    It can be done.
  10. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    Thanks everyone. I have always been a crier and it does relieve some stress for me. I also have high blood pressure and really need the release. But unfortunately, I am crying all the time. I have no control over it which is the scary part.

    I really appreciate all your thoughts, hugs and kind words.

    husband has been so darn sweet (sweeter than normal) he is really a great guy and I am so thankful he is in my life.

    I also am very lucky to have a great set of parents and very caring brothers. They would all flock here in an instant if need be and they live VERY far away.

    I have had alot of phone conversations with my Mom and Dad and have really opened up to them about everything.

    They were well aware of most things with difficult child but not all.

    I do feel there is light at the tunnel but it just seems the tunnel is a million miles long ...
  11. seriously

    seriously New Member

    Any chance difficult child could go spend a couple weeks with an uncle? Sounds like you need a break that's longer than the school day.

    Do you do any journaling? This can be really helpful - a way of pouring it all out. Doesn't have to make sense or be an analysis, just write what you feel. Drawing or painting or coloring like that can also be helpful. It can be quite satisfying to take a big crayon and just scribble hard on a big piece of paper.

    Walks in the park, watching funny movies, anything that forces or encourages you to focus on something else and break your preoccupation with feeling sad have been really good for me when I am feeling that way.

    Hope the new therapist works out and is able to give you some support.

    Many hugs
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Funny movies, YES!
    And a wk or two with-a relative for your difficult child is a great idea.
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Dear Funkmaster,

    You know....there ARE those times when it's better to cry than not. It's better to get your odd's sorted so and you just have no idea why you feel like you do. It's not about worrying why everyone else is 'blessed' or 'normal' or feeling wonderful or able to pull themselves up and you can't. Somedays? Ya just can't. (big shrug and twisty lip) And then there are those weeks on end when NOTHING goes right, NOTHING is fair, NOTHING feels good, NOTHING feels happy, NOTHING is worth the try, NOTHING makes you feel like getting out of bed and you do - and THEN? Well dear one? Then it's time to go talk to a professional because then? It's beyond doing yoga and having a nice bath. Then it's beyond in my humble opinion all the chiche girlfriend fixes and the husband 'punch in the arm, tickle, you'll pull out of it' pep talks. Maybe you won't. Plain and simple. What's wrong with that? Well a lot if you are asking me, and you are asking me - and everyone else - by posting so here's my thoughts.

    Your life? In a word? Tough. Not just Oh Shelly you have a rough life, you are to be pitied. Neyah. Not that kind of "here let me sit and pat=pat you on the back tough. You have a freakin rough tough (show of hands how many people want her life.....looks around-----room cleared out.----okay there's your answer - tough.) See? No one wants your life and now? Not even YOU want your life. Not that you don't adore your husband; who by the way is tops right now in my book for calling your folks because well? That says a lot to me that he's worried, cares, and out of answers (and probably out of pep talks). However I doubt your parents have any answers I mean their generation did things a lot differently (most of them) so back to you - as usual. This means girlfriend - professional ((((((((stigma)))))))) ahhhhhhhhhhh run for it... Sit down and don't be so silly.

    I actually loved going to see my shrink. Well, not at first really. I hated it, but after a while it was Sooooooo nice to have someone that listened to me. Then gave me ideas that I took home and used and worked to help me in my life at work, at home, in myself. I'm really a much happier person, stronger....simpler. I'm not all wound up tight (oh yeah? Well nertz to you---shoulda seen me back then if you think I'm wound tight now) And it got to the point where I was actually able to handle difficult child better because all the gobbly gook within me that I was dealing with ? Go.........ing.....going gone. So it gave me more zen.......peace....abilities to deal with him. Even the kid noticed. It was like valium supreme but natural. (except valium makes me hyper and clean the house top to bottom so some other calming dope drug inserted here I think) but you get my point.

    Anyway - find a shrink, get a conversation going - and do it for yourself. These kids are :censored2: hard to deal with. I mean even it THEY were the only thing in life that ya had to deal with? It would be nealry too much for anyone. But we get life, jobs, husbands, other kids, :censored2:y neighbors, family - broken cars, bills, $5.00 a gallon gas, stupid Myan prophecies telling us we're going to die, pastors asking for more on Sunday because THEY can't afford apocopylapse gasoline for their car.....ugh then they make you feel guilty.....nice try. God said 10% I'm going with that, teachers, and OMG did you loose your WHAT again? And seriously how fast do they grow and need new clothes? Seriously why can't you wear Walmart tennis shoes? And HOW much is a gas cap? I'll use a rag I can't believe I left it on top of the pump. You want WHAT for a brake light? I'll use hand signals......Ya like THIS one??? hahahaah (insert evil chortle) Oh **** now we're back to church again - maybe I better give more than 10%. Drats.

    Anyway - Seek ye help......and feel ye much better. Promise. And if it's money that's a problem - Seek ye the mental health center in your town - or other sliding scale fee based places. You will feel better. No one says you have to go forever - but until you dump yer funk? I'd say it's a pretty safe goal for you to go and just have a chat. Even if you just go to show me WHY YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE THERE. (well that was MY reason for going in the first place and I stayed 15 years) ahahhahaah.......ahahha....ah........ha.......ahem.

    Hugs & Love
  14. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    Your a shining STAR, no matter who you are ...

    Shining bright to see, what you can truly be ...

    EARTH, WIND and FIRE BABY !!! :dance:

    Again, Thank you Star, I should start seeing you as my therapist ... LOL

    Feeling much, much better !

    I am so computer illiterate that I don't know how to download youtube videos ... ROLTFLMBO
  15. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending supportive hugs. So glad you have caring family. DDD