I am feeling like one big failure as a mother....Vent

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Californiablonde, Jan 28, 2015.

  1. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Right now I feel like I can't do anything right, except maybe my job. easy child has been refusing to do his homework and now how several zeros in his classes. He has finals this week, and insisted to me that he didn't need to study. He says he has it all memorized. He's a very smart kid, gifted actually, but even smart kids need to study. He still refused and so far I found out he got a D on his math final. There is no excuse for that kind of grade. easy child is a math genius. Every year on the California State exams he scores in the gifted range in math. He didn't study so now he's stuck with a D+ for math this semester. I hate to see what his other grades will be.

    difficult child of course is my main concern. She has only been to school twice in the last three weeks. Several absences were legit. She had the flu. The other absences, not so much. For instance, Monday she overslept. There is no excuse for it. I set her alarm and turned it up to the highest possible level. I also called her several times to make sure she was getting ready, and she refused to answer my calls. My mom offered to take her to school and she refused, saying she didn't want to go half day.

    Tuesday she missed the bus because she was looking for her headphones. Once again, my mom drove all the way down there and once she got to our place difficult child refused to go. She said she would not go to school without headphones. Today difficult child once again overslept. Again, no excuse. Her alarm was set, and both my mom and I called her several times. One time it went straight to voicemail so I know for a fact difficult child purposely turned off her phone. My mom is now refusing to pick her up and take her to school today. I can't say I blame her. She drove all the way to my house yesterday only to have difficult child refuse to get in the car.

    So I have a kid who refuses to do homework and a kid who finds every excuse in the book not to go to school. I have had social services called on me twice for having a "dirty" home. When the social worker paid us a visit last week, she asked me what all the medications on the counter were for and wanted me to list each specific one. I was super embarrassed to have to tell her that I am bipolar with anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), difficult child is bipolar, and easy child has Asperger's and ADHD. We sound like a nuthouse. She's probably wondering why my kids are even living with me. I work hard at a very stressful job. I make my kids very nice dinners, I do all the laundry, I do all the cleaning, I pick up after everybody, I buy nice gifts. Yet I feel so darned incompetent right now. Hopefully soon I will be in a better place cause right now I just feel so useless.
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I was told by my attorney to: call the school and report my child as truant: get the name of the person I spoke with: keep everything on a calendar. I also kept a file with every excused medical absence, and anytime he had to stay home sick due to flu or something that the office would just call in a script, I had the dr.'s office send a fax to me and to the school. I also had copies of his many dxs, names, phone#, ....... all of this went to court with me. I included every effort I made to get him to school. I contacted the school districts truancy department and asked what preventative programs the district offered. My son did have to go to court. I presented the file and other information. The judge lowered the boom on kiddo and set forth many requirements in order for him to not go to juvie. I was not penalized in anyway other than to miss work for one day.
  3. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    That's where we are headed next month is to court. Wish me luck.
  4. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Get your ducks in a row. Document, Document, Document....
  5. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    You are not a bad parent you are a parent who is overwhelmed and getting no help from your kids or their father. Why isn't he attending court? Doesn't he share responsibility for the children he helped create? He has dumped your difficult child and her issues on you for long enough. I know he isn't the worlds best but he can do a hell of a lot more than he is.

    As for the kids. Sit easy child at the kitchen table and tell him he isn't going anywhere. Turn off the TV and cut the internet off for an hour every night. He can sit there are study or he can sit there and write sentences but he isn't going to do anything fun. Tell easy child you are contacting the school and requesting extra services for him since he can't do his work. Let him know that might require him changing classes or staying after school. Maybe even attending lessons during recess or excess classes like health and PE.

    in my humble opinion your difficult child needs a kick in the pants. Not litteraly but she needs to know that you will no longer tolerate this. If she has so much anxiety that she can't go to school then she needs to be enrolled in homeschool. If she can't do that then she needs to drop out and get her GED. On that note if she choses to drop out she needs a job.

    Right now you difficult child is sitting in the house having a nice relaxing day in bed playing on the internet. While you are at work stressed. Your easy child is sitting back and doing poorly in class because he doesn't want to study and you are worried about it.
  6. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Aggh!!!!!!! I had everything well written and my computer shuts off to clean!

    Basically I just want to say I understand, really I do. I feel no matter what I do, how or why I fail with new downhill or circles, twists and turns. I am going to be 40 soon and what have I accomplished for my kids and myself? Why cant I get my kids going smooth? All the whys and what ifs and shoulda couldas. But your not a failure, your struggling and its kicking you down more so lately, and other times as other times are more smooth( like mine). I think to myself all the time how everything is my fault, even if they inherited from my moms side and I swear their dads. I know theres families with no issues and their kids have the Bipolar, Anxiety, ADHD, etc. Your doing what you can, its hard and we are here. hugs
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Both of her kids are on the autism spectrum. I'm a bit sensitive about that because the wiring in their brains are different and they have extra challenges and often need help even as adults. My son who is 21 has Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and it's not the same for her son as if he were a typical young adult just misbehaving...at least it very well may not be. They all have neurological differences and we can't guess why they do what they do. It can seem like willfully "bad" behavior and very possibly be due to the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). Even bright ASDers often struggle to keep up with school. Socializing is a major issue...they can't read body language and can be very inappropriate and often need text book teaching about how to socially appropriately to help them get that step ahead, and kids who struggle socially in high school usually have more problems doing school right. Autism is a neurological difference. It impacts the way they think, what t hey do, and every aspect of life, yet many live good lives...but they need interventions to learn how to navigate a world that they don't understand. Stress is a part of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD).

    Not saying this is the case here, but certainly the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) has SOMETHING to do with it. Just...you know...I have a kid on the spectrum and things come harder to him, even though he is not unintelligent. Therapy could nail it down better. Again, please be patient with me. I have a kid on the spectrum and I am sensitive to spectrum children AND adults ;)
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2015
  8. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    easy child being on the spectrum does have his obsessions. He is obsessed with cleanliness and video games. When he was younger he was absolutely addicted to and obsessed with dinosaurs. Now it's changed to gaming. It's all he wants to do, talk about, write about, post about on Facebook, etc. He is also obsessed with the show My Little Pony. I am trying to be understanding, but it's hard when he lies to me about homework just so he can watch his shows or play his games. I am trying to teach him balance. Yes, he can have his games and his shows, but he also has to work. He incredibly smart with a genius IQ. I just hate to see him struggling in school when I know he is capable of so much more. His math and English teacher are especially frustrated with him too.

    As for difficult child, she is not on the spectrum. She does have her issues with sleep due to her bipolar, but I am trying to teach her to learn how to toughen up. Last night, for instance, she lay in bed till midnight trying to get herself to sleep. This morning, once again, she was too tired to go to school. She doesn't have to wake up till 7:30, so she got 7 and half hours of sleep. Maybe it's not the ideal, but it's plenty enough to be able to make it through school.

    I can empathize with the no sleeping. I really can. When I get manic sometimes I don't sleep at all whatsoever. But guess what? I have never once called in sick to work due to lack of sleep. Not once. I don't know what difficult child is going to do when she gets a full time job. How is she going to survive it? In one year she will be an adult. She has to learn sometime. I am really worried about both my kids and their future at this point.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Your son will be able to get adult supports if his diagnosis is Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified/Aspergers it's all lumped together as Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) now. You can't take the autism obsessions out of somebody. I have no idea why, but many ASDers obsess over videogames. My son has a notebook with every videogame character he knows of, the first time they appeared on games, their age, etc. It is very neatly written in a binder. I can't control him from thinking about these characters all the time. When he isn't playiing games, he is thinking about them. Autism is not about balance...not as kids or adults. Once your son moves out, he will likely work, like mine, and buy every system he can and all the games he can. My son also likes movies. I'm just glad he can take care of himself, work, and has learned A LOT about his particular type of preferred socialization. Bipolar is a brain disorder, which is different. Autism is a neurological difference. It is not mental illness. And obsessions are part of the neurological difference.
    My son is out of the house working every day. If he wants to game the rest of the time (his only friends also have gaming obsessions) I couldn't care less. For one thing, I can't stop it. For another, he is probably the happiest, most upbeat and even keeled young man on the planet.I'll take it. Of all my kids, he is the happiest.

    I can't say I was ever that way with my mood disorder. At his age (21) I was all over the road, up/down, right/left, a total mess. I had lots of interests and was well rounded, but I was so unhappy too.
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hang in there CB, you have two atypical kids, an unsupportive husband, a stressful job and your own issues........you have a lot on your plate. Take the advice of those who've been in your shoes and document everything. As far as being a failure as a mother, if what you're going through indicates failure at parenting, than most of us here would fall in to that category too. And, I don't believe that's true. We are all simply on a different life's journey with different lessons to learn. Yours may be learning to trust yourself and to not allow what others do and think to impact you and to stand strong in your self respect..........you're doing the best you can CB, we all are. Rest in that knowledge and DOCUMENT.
  11. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Midwestmom your son it TOTALLY my son! easy child has all of his characters written down in a notebook along with every single game strategy you can think of. Literally pages and pages of this stuff, all written down in tiny little printing. easy child's case carrier last year was quite concerned with his obsession about one particular game called Skyrim. She said her own husband plays that game and easy child knows way more info about that game than her husband. She suggested I not let him play it anymore, but try and take away games from easy child and my normally sweet, well mannered boy gets mean and nasty. I just hope it doesn't interfere with his work someday. And Recovering, I have no husband and I've never been married. That's part of my problems too I think. I have absolutely no back up.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh, he'll work...lol. My son goes to work every day. And for those hours he isn't thinking about the videogames because he can't. But short of giving him a lobotomy, he isn't going to stop obsessing over videogames. They are a part of his disorder and who he is and if I ever stopped him from playing one game, he'd play another. If I had ever tried to remove his video systems he would have thrown a fit. That would be the only time or way. I just knew he needed them and I made sure he did do other activities. Never thought they were hurting him...he has Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). Plus I'm not as obsessed over the videogame banning that some moms are...they're going to grow up and play games if they want to. We can't stop it. It won't stop them from living life.

    I'm sure my own parents thought I'd go blind, deaf, and brain dead from listening nonstop to "records." I had one favorite song, "My Sweet Lord" by George Harrison (R.I.P. George) and could stay in my room with the light off playing that record over and over and over again with the speakers by my ears. I overheard my mom telling my father, in a frantic voice, "She's on drugs! I know it! I know it! That's what they do when they're on drugs." I nevr took drugs...lol. Also, I remember my parents lamenting the sexual revolution and talking about how nobody would ever marry because "Men only marry to get the women in bed."

    Hey, times change. We can't stop it.

    Suggestion: My son's IEP says he finishes all his work in school in a special study hall. He never had homework. I"m not sure he would have been able to handle six hours of school then do more school at night, like neurotypical child can. It was a Godsend.
  13. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    I will see if we can incorporate no homework at home for his IEP. Things are only going to get worse in high school. difficult child doesn't have homework and I don't think I could have handled it if she did. One good thing about next year is easy child will be at the school I work at. I know all of the teachers personally and I can get in touch with them quite easily here. As of now, I email his teachers and only get a response about half the time. Next year I can stay on top of him better. easy child says he absolutely does NOT want anybody to know I work at his school, but I told him too bad they all know and love me here!
  14. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    I hope everything works out for the no homework. And yes, the obsessing over one or a couple things, my daughter too. Loves My Little Pony,reading and of course- Minecraft her obsession as well as the computer/IPad in general. Also seems as if she panics when I go to take them away and shes ready to battle. For a quite child its shocking to see her that upset! Just doing the online class right she was all" are we done what else very annoyed", very very not into it and wanted to get back to her "game".

    Your son will be ok with you there, he will get used to it. Besides, if he needs you, your there!

    Good luck
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I just sent you a PM with some info that might be crucial.