I am so lost and heart broken... I called the Police on my 20 yr old today...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Chaosuncontained, Aug 29, 2011.

  1. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    My oldest daughter is 20. Two months ago police found evidence that she had taken mail from a neigbors mail box and tore up a check. The USPS decided not to prosecute...but the local police are--but haven't issued a warrant for her arrest YET.

    She is hanging around with a girl who had a history of robbery. In the last 3 weeks they have BOTH (together) robbed 2 houses and her friend was arrested for driving while intoxicated. DD20 was given a ticket for "open container".

    A few nights ago my daughter called me and said she was lost on her way to my house--she has been here about 20 times...there is NO reason she should be lost. Her voice sounded slurred so I asked her if she was drunk or high (I KNOW she smokes pot a LOT). She told me no. But then had to get off the phone because she was being pulled over.

    She came home obviously high. Finally admitted to taking an AMBIEN (which she has no RX for). SHe told me she only recieved a warning for a broken headlight (how he didnt realize she was high/drunk is beyond me!)! The next morning she said "Mom? Did I tell you I got pulled over last night??" She didn't remember being on the phone with me while it happened!

    I know of the robberies because I helped her clean out her car and asked her about a few items (tool kit, video games, books) in there. SHe told me they were her best friends ex BOYFRIEND's things--she earlier had told me that her friend had used a key he didn't know she had and took things from his house to maybe pawn/sell. She later slipped and said she was there when the things were taken. The other robbery was a neighbors of the friend. She told me too many details to have NOT been there.

    My husband (her step dad) tried talking to her the other night--she really seems to have ZERO guilt, remorse or ANYTHING for any illegal activity she does. She tries to rationalize ALL of it away.

    She told us that she thinks the reason she got out of getting anything other than an open container ticket is becasue the officer like her. At the time she had NO insurance on her car (her friend was driving my daughter's car), expired inspection sticker and an open container. My daughter also had a ziploc bag with about 15 muscle relaxers (not her RX). The police GAVE that back to her!! The police officer DROVE her car around the corner to a parking lot to keep her car from being towed and DROVE her to a friends house--thile her friend (the driver) was arrested for driving while intoxicated. The SECOND time she was pulled over 2 days later, she only recieved a WARNING for no headlight. She TRULY believes she is "lucky" and that her being so cute and attractive is what gets her off the hook!

    She lies easily. She isn't violent. Her favorite thing to say is "It's my life!! I'll live it like I want to!"

    Today I called the detective handling her mail tampering case. I told him EVERYTHING I know. I have no idea how to save her. I have no idea what is wrong with her. I looked online and the only thing that even SORTA makes sense is that she is a socoipath.

    She is going to hate me. I am sure she will be arrested SOON. And she will probably KNOW I turned her in. What else could I have done? I need her to stop. I'm so afraid she will rob someone and they will shoot her...or that she will be killed or god forbid kill someone else while driving impaired.

    She is spiraling out of control. I love her so much. She was such a good girl--I don't even know who this is...

    Today was my birthday. I asked her to spend some time with me. We were going to pick up applications (she is with out a job--cant seem to keep one). But first she asked me to take her to jail to visit her friend...I did. And then she asked to be driven back to her car--no applications picked up today.

    So...I called the detective. I turned in my baby. On my birthday. To save her. This hurts soooo bad. I can't stop crying.

    I feel so sick...
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I understand your pain and know that none of us can make you feel better about the circumstances. It's almost unbelievable that the law enforcement officer would have acted as he did. Heck, maybe she's right "he liked her". OMG!

    You know you did the right thing but many of us know how painful it is to try to save our kids. I am sending very heartfelt and sincere hugs of support for you. Your sadness is understandable. Your motivations are honorable. Over the years, however, we have found many agencies don't follow through...so stay prepared. Hugs. DDD
  3. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    if your daughter was a good girl before and all these issues are new i'm thinking she may be developing a drug addiction. something to look into anyways.
  4. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    You are doing all you can to help her, and right now in her eyes that is "not helping" her. And that is probably the thing that hurts the most. Sometimes all you can do is let someone fail, and hope that they realize that they have hit bottom and want to come up. You cannot do this for her, she has to do it. I hope the police or judicial system will get through to her. Hugs.
  5. MuM_of_OCD_kiddo

    MuM_of_OCD_kiddo New Member

    You are doing the right thing! You are!!!

    But quite frankly - I do not believe the part where she told you she got pulled over with an expired tag and no insurance, and the cop parked her car for her and gave her a ride. Unless he is a corrupt cop and something alltogether else happened - sorry that is always a possibility. If this indeed did happen, he ought to be turned in - especially in the later scenario. That is just not right on so many levels...

    Where is her car now and did you let her drive off with it? Does she still stay at home with you or is she out on her own? Is she working? In school? College? It sounds to me she has too much free time and no responsibilities [financial or otherwise] on her hands...
  6. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    Thank you all for your comments. I guess I *know* I did the right thing in calling and turning her in, but it still hurts horribly.

    I DO believe her about the Police who moved her car, let her keep the drugs and didn't ticket her when she desrerved to be ticketed. I did tell the Sheriff Detective about the City of ***** Police, how they handled her "pull over". He was very concerned. Then, a few nights later when she was pulled over with a broken headlight in a different town, by a different police officer. He didn't write a ticket for no insurance either.

    I do believe her drug use has escalated in the last few months. I knew she was a pot smoker. But in the last month she has mentioned Xanax. And Ambien. And then the other day she aske me what "Flexeril" was. I had to look it up on the internet. I asked her why and she told me because a friend had it and wanted her to try one. I saw this morning that my daughter "liked" a page on FB-- Vicodin (omg).

    daughter is 20. She hasn't lived with me since she was 18. She has lived with 2 different boyfriends. She is actually staying with an ex boyfriend right now. She has her car back. SHe went and got it the next morning after it was "moved around the corner" for her. When she came to our house HIGH we let ALL the air out of one of her tires. To try and keep her here. She drove 5 miles on a FLAT tire to a a gas station where 2 different men helped her air it up with their air compressor (the air pump was out of order). She is in her car now.

    She doesn't have a job. She can't seem to keep on very long. She isn't in college. She does have too much free time on her hands. She isn't responsible. She's unemployed, a stoner and a criminal.

    She wasnt allowed to run rampant as a child. She had rules. She was VERY loved (still is). She was a good girl. SHe graduated early. She's smart (but apparently OH SO dumb too).

    It just... it hurts. My girl, my sweet baby has changed into a person I am ashamed of. A person who I don't know. And I feel helpless and hopeless. And lost. I love her so much. and I feel like I am watching a train wreck. I can do nothing to stop it. I'm watching my child self destruct.

    Thank you all again for your comments. They did help me feel better, a bit anyway lol. I hope and pray that me turning her in saves her. That one day she will forgive me. We are closer to each other than anyone else. And although I KNOW it had to be done--I still feel like I betrayed her. And I know she will see it that way too... I don't wish this on anyone...
  7. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    have you thought about putting together a drug intervention or trying to get her into treatment? or at least to attend a narcotics annonymous meeting so she at least knows there is help out there when she finally decides she needs it?
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Hi there and welcome to the board, although I'm sorry you have to join us.

    You may want to post t his on the Parent Emeritus site because over there all of us have grown c hildren (over 18) and many have been exactly where you are right now. I am one of them. I had to turn in my daughter who was a serious drug abuser.

    My opinion, based on raising a drug user who has quit now for eight years and who tells me a lot about drug users, is that her immediate problem is drug abuse. If you take too many tranquilizers, you can forget what you said. If you mix drugs with booze, it's even worse. I also know that she will not stop using drugs until she wants to, no matter what you do, although you can try. Putting an unmotivated person into rehab is not always successful, but one has to try.

    I would not help her live her life while she is behaving in a criminal way. I wouldn't give her money or housing. And there is NO WAY I'd help her visit a friend in jail???? Nope. She wants to hang with lowlives, it would be without my help.

    Has she always been unfeeling and uncaring? If this is new behavior, it is probably due to being drugged up. If she has always been this way, then perhaps she is antisocial, which is very hard to treat, but antisocial doesn't just pop up at age 18. There are always signs before that, lack of remorse, lack of normal empathy toward others.

    I am sorry you had to turn her in to try to save her. Go to Parent Emeritus and read the stories there. You'll find that you are NOT alone.

    I highly recommend attending either Al-Anon or Narc-Anon groups for others who are in the same situation. It helps to be with people who understand and have the wisdom of experience.

    Hugggggz. Keep us posted.
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    From my heart I completely understand mourning the loss of your much loved daughter. Over the years I have shared this story many times on the Board...it was one of the saddest and profound moments in my life. Our easy child/difficult child was fifteen or sixteen when he began to smoke pot. Evidently he began to drink before that unbeknowst to us. We sent him to two residential rehab centers in hopes of getting him back on track and the second program was really good. We were so hopeful. One evening, totally out of the blue, I received a call to come get him as he was being instantly discharged. Shock.

    I drove two hours to sadly pick him up. While he completed gathering his things and going through the discharge process I sat in the intimate lobby with his favorite counselor. He was very understanding and told me how much he enjoyed easy child/difficult child as he was so intelligent, funny, polite etc. As he left to go get our teen I said to him "Thank you for what you have done. We hope that he will soon return to the son we have raised." He turned around and came to sit next to me and then he said. "You will never have that person back. He is gone forever. Accept that so you can move on with your life. Your family will have to learn to live with the young man he has turned into. With or without substance abuse he will never be the same."

    I am not one to cry easily. His words kept repeating in my head during the drive home. Finally, a few days later, I sobbed and sobbed. The child we raised was gone. The counselor was absolutely right. We have moments when it almost "seems" like he is as he was but his early choices have altered him for life. Accepting and continuing to love him as he "really is" has been challenging and heartbreaking but we finally accepted the reality. Hanging on to it was destructive for us and kept us from moving on to acceptance of what we never in a million years would have chosen. I sadly pass on the lesson.
    Hugs. DDD
  10. MuM_of_OCD_kiddo

    MuM_of_OCD_kiddo New Member

    Both excellent advice!!! Right now you cannot help her, as she is not willing to help herself. You need to do things to come to grips with this for yourself and your immediate remaining family [spouse, sibs]. I second going to Alanon meetings for yourself and your spouse!!!