I can't get difficult child to complete anything!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by tinamarie1, Aug 15, 2009.

  1. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    Particularly chores. An example of his weekly chores: clean bathroom (monday), Vacuum living room floor & take out garbage (tuesday)...you get the idea, Im not asking him to do some huge task. Everything he does is half ____ done. I am so sick of it. He gets an allowance and when I have refused to give it to him because he does such a poor job, he says fine, I don't need an allowance anyway. Then 2 days later he comes to me begging for a dollar to go get a coke with. The biggest thing right now is he talked me into getting him a chinchilla last year. Well, he lies to me about having cleaned his cage and watering and feeding him. I know he lies, so I go behind him and get so mad..I confront him, he looks me right in the eye and tells me he DID clean this cage that stinks to high heaven & has droppings everywhere. SO...I end up getting furious and telling him to just leave and I will do it myself. Im afraid the animal will die if it is not done properly and also it will stink up the house. Well, chinchillas live a very long time (10+ years)...can I do this for the next 10 years?!? no way! So I told him I will work on finding him a good home. difficult child didn't even blink. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. How did I raise such a self centered person? Oh and difficult child had a sleepover here last night. The last few ones have been really bad, one time the military police knocked on my door at 3 am and had brought home difficult child and his friends (they are 11 remember), they were out roaming the neighborhood in search of frogs...or so they say. That was months ago, so I gave him another chance last night.
    I made them pick out a few snacks before I went to bed, in hopes that my clean kitchen would still be clean in the morning. And I told them they had to go to bed by 2 am.
    I get up this morning to find an assortment of food, chocolate milk all over the counter and then they slip to me that they didn't go to sleep until 5 AM. I confront difficult child after his friend goes home. He blames everything on his friend. Then I said well he is very disrespectful and rude, and I don't think he needs to come over anymore. difficult child got a shocked look on his face. I KNOW he will hit me up for another sleepover soon.
    Ok thanks for listening to my rambling. If anyone has any suggestions about the chores, the not following rules, all of it....I will be very appreciative.
  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Have you read The Explosive Child by Ross Greene? If so, it might be time to take another look at it. If not, it's great food for thought on working with our children rather than against them.

    I'm not a fan of sleepovers, particularly when kids stay up practically all night. I either stay in the room until I know they're asleep, or I let them have "pretend sleepovers" -- all the evening fun of the sleepover (movie, popcorn, etc) but then drive the friends home to sleep.
  3. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    Sm, I like your idea about the "pretend sleepover"...when I gain some sanity back, I will definitely tell difficult child we can do that but not the actual sleepover. I know its weird, but if difficult child's friends have him over for a sleepover, I feel obligated to let that child sleepover in return.
  4. ML

    ML Guest

    Manster has only ever had one sleep over and it was his (girl) friend "R" and she slept on an air mattress in my room. Sounds like I'm not missing much lol.

    I am currently using 123 Logic for stop and start behaviors. It does help but of course there are no miracles out there. This is rough duty.

    Just know you're not alone, we're in the trenches with you.
  5. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    I tie allowance to the chores, like you do. Then when she needs money, I point out that she could have had the money if she had done her chores. I make sure that I don't provide things like cokes or candy so she can notice that she wishes she had some money. I don't loan her money.

    My difficult child's chores are mostly helping me in the kitchen after dinner and emptying the dishwasher. Sometimes, I will get her to help me fold clothes. She also has to get her room cleaned up every week.

    Besides losing her allowance, I don't take her anywhere fun or let her have a friend over, until she has done them. If she refuses to help me in the kitchen, the next time she wants to do something, I don't do it.

    I have stopped her allowance for weeks or months when it got to be too much of an effort to get her to do her chores, telling her she was "fired" from her job and would have no money. Eventually, she tells me she is ready to do them again.

    When she got to middle school, she decided she needed money and rides, so this has worked.
  6. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I hear you! Consistency is a big problem in my house, too.

    I've had to say "no" to any more pets until all three of my kids can show me con-sis-tent-ly that they can take care of their other pets without my interference. 'Cuz I'm not taking on one more critter until I know it will be looked after by someone else.

    Chores here are very hit and miss, too, and often require a lot of supervision. At 10 years old, AND with impulse control issues, I think it's asking a lot to expect good follow-through from your difficult child. The late-night kitchen mess is something I could very easily see happening with my difficult child 2 AND my difficult child 1, who is a bit older than your difficult child. I have to supervise a LOT of their household jobs, which very often require do-overs. It's frustrating, I agree. But until you resign yourself to the fact that these kids require more time and more training than typical kids, you'll just drive yourself nuts expecting otherwise. And anyone who hasn't lived in your shoes just won't understand. (As I recently found out from my new childless sister in law :p).

    The others here have recommended some good resources to help you rethink your approach. Hang in there!
  7. Rabbit

    Rabbit Member

    hi re the chinchilla. do u give it dust baths? U put the powder(dust)
    that is purchased at the pet store(or online) in a bowl and the chinchilla rolls in it. It will help with the smell. also there are pellets and suff u can put in the bottom to help control the smell. what type of cage do u have?
    Chinchillas should have a least 2 levels. I like the cages with pull out bottoms
    so the droppings can be thrown out easily without disturbing the chinchilla.
    Is the chinchilla a boy or a girl? Maybe difficult child can look on line with supervision re the chinchillas proper care. The cage really needs to be cleaned often
    and the chinchilla needs special care. It will tell him that on line and that will be someone besides u telling him how important proper pet care is. On some sites it may even be someone his own age. In my humble opinion
    pets can be good for difficult children but if your difficult child can not take care of the Chin
    please find it a good home. Sorry this is so long Sending Hugs Rabbit
  8. Babbs

    Babbs New Member

    I started a token economy with difficult child about 2 and a half years ago and give him a flat rate allowance no matter what his behavior is. The tokens are for doing chores, following directions, etc. It's nice to have something I can surprise him with when he comes when I call him and he doesn't give me grief! The tokens are turned in for his three favorite things - TV time, computer time, and Wii time. No tokens? No Wii, no computer, no TV, no exceptions. Most of his chores I've set up to be done before mine - e.g. he has to empty the dishwasher when he gets home from school. He doesn't do it? No tokens, but then mom doesn't cook dinner and he goes hungry until he gets the chore done. It's still a struggle (I can remember it taking a hour for him to empty the danged thing), but setting up natural consequences for not doing it and highly desired rewards for doing it has made a world of difference.

    I decided a long time ago to give difficult child a flat allowance so that he can have some money to learn money management. If it was always going to be taken away or docked then he would never have money in order to learn how to save it etc. And if he breaks something he has to purchase the replacement before he can buy anything else at the store. E.g. he broke a hinge on a cupboard door before summer visitation so his first allowance he will have to purchase the replacement. It also helps me from the whiny gimmes in the grocery store - no wallet, no money, not my problem...
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It is really frustrating when we see them not following through on things. Even though pcs also do that, difficult children take it to much farther extremes. This was always the problem I had when discussing this stuff with my parents or friends who didn't have difficult children. They has NO CLUE the extent a difficult child could pull this.

    You may want to put some locking mechanisms on cabinet doors. If you use the magnetic kind just make sure to keep the magnet put up or on your person. For a while I used the tot-lock system on all the cabinet doors and put the magnetic key on a chain around my neck. If you drill the hole for the mechanism too deep then any magnet will open it, so you may have to test it to make sure that the refrigerator magnets don't open the doors. Or keep healthy stuff behind the one they can "sneak" into.

    In your case I would be tempted to get a wii or other game system simply to have a really big carrot to motivate him. IF that would motivate your difficult child.

    As for the chinchilla, how bad does it smell? Does the smell bother him?

    Why not put the cage in his room. Heck, if he doesn't empty the cage take the tray out and set it on top of his bed. He will have to wash sheets/pillows/blankets before bedtime but it MIGHT get through to him that it is really mean to leave the pet in a filthy cage. Cage cleaning was one major reason I got rid of our bird (who is thrilled in her new home with her new cats!).

    Vent away, WE understand!
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2009
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think it's better to give the chinchilla another home than to hope a difficult child cares for it. It IS a living thing and shouldn't die because of our difficult child's not taking responsibility for it.

    I would have made all three kids clean up the kitchen in the morning. in my opinion that's more than just impulse control problems. He planned it, stayed there to eat it, etc. He had time to realize what he was doing and either should have stopped or should have cleaned up. I have a daughter who is very messy and, even when she was young, if she messed, she cleaned, even if I had to drive her back from a friend's house to do it. She's better now, but still not great that way.