I could really use

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Wiped Out, Nov 18, 2009.

  1. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    a magic wand.
    Argh! Last night was horrible at the our house.

    It all started when difficult child was playing with the computer and I asked him to take his medicine. I brought it into him with a glass of water so he wouldn't have to get up. When he wouldn't take it I gave him the choice of taking the medications or getting off the computer for the night. He still refused and he was told his choices would end up costing him the computer for quite awhile.

    He then took his medications but threw the empty ceramic container (the ones the pills had been in) at me. It missed but at that point I told him he needed to be up in his room.

    Of course, he didn't want to go there so he was yelling, screaming. I just repeated that he needed to go upstairs.Then he took off towards his room grabbing a hot/cold pack around his arm. I was worried with his mood that he might ruin it so I told him he needed to put it back.

    He went up to his room with it and I did follow. I asked him again to put it back. I then did try to grab it and he was angry so I thought I should back off and not engage him (probably should not have gone upstairs with him). I told him he could have it and deal with the consequences later. He then threw it so I picked it up.

    At that point he came up behind me and tried to pick me up. I told him he needed to leave me alone so he did put me down. I told him I was going downstairs and he said if you want to go downstairs go and then shoved me from behind.

    I ended up at the bottom of the stairs and in a lot of pain. husband was yelling, easy child got involved and I ended up having to go to immediate care with a friend (we didn't trust easy child with difficult child-she was too angry with him so that's why a friend and not husband took me).

    They x-rayed my right ankle, left foot, and tail bone. Thankfully no breaks but my right ankle is sprained. Not horribly so but I am wearing an air cast and they gave me crutches (the crutches I get to ditch already).

    difficult child was upset at the time and very worried but I don't know how much was worry for me and how much was worry he might end up going to hospital or us calling the police.

    He did say he didn't mean to push me down the stairs, that I would just lose my balance a bit. I believe that; he doesn't think through to see the possible consequences.

    I ended up staying home from work today because of my ankle (will go back tomorrow) and kept difficult child home as well (husband and I were unsure how he would handle the school day).

    difficult child was basically a pita but no violence. At one point he did say he wished it had been him and not me that fell down the stairs. Luckily he does have a psychiatrist appointment tonight at 6:00. I did call ahead and talked to the nurse to give the psychiatrist a heads up on things that have been happening.

    husband has been very quiet. I think he is worried about the possibility of difficult child being hospitalized again.

    I told him I called ahead to the psychiatrist and the nurse said if it is coming down to a safety issue they may have to look at hospitalization. When I told husband this he said that he didn't feel it was a safety issue. I told him I did and he said until that point he didn't feel it had been (he was thinking more of an isolated incident not that what happened was safe). I did remind him of difficult child trying to take the keys out of the ignition a few weeks ago and all of the threatening at school. husband feels the last hospitalization was such a waste and did nothing. I agree so I can totally understand his reluctance and am not at all sure it is the right thing either as I think it the last time did little to no good at all. To be honest I don't think the psychiatrist will feel hospitalization is the best idea right now either.

    Also we have lots of family plans coming up; this weekend (a trip to Michigan for his family's Christmas party) and my family coming for Thanksgiving. The Monday after that husband's dad is having a major surgery and we are all going to be there in Michigan so I think having difficult child hospitalized is difficult for both of us to think about right now.

    Not sure what should happen. I do know I am being very careful around difficult child right now as he seems so explosive and impulsive. It's the impulsivity that gets him every time. Don't know if switching up medications is a possibility or will help.

    Do know that I'm getting very tired and wish I had a magic wand to make everything better.

    Sorry this ended up being so long-just needed to get this out-thanks if you made it through this far.
  2. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Oh Sharon, I'm so sorry he hurt you! I'd be worried to. It does seem like his behavior is gradually ramping up. Do you think the loxapine is at the right level? I know the antipsychotics help alot for aggression and impulse control problems like that. Maybe his dosage needs to go up? Maybe it'stime to try something else?

    I'd be worried about the upcoming flurry of events -- that can be stressful for a difficult child and a trigger for worsening symptoms.

    Even though the hospitalization didn't do much last time, you can't just sit back and do nothing. It's unacceptable to subject yourself to this kind of stress, worry and risk for harm. It's getting close to becoming really out of control.

    Hope the psychiatrist has some good ideas up his sleeve. This just can't continue like this.
  3. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    When you say you're not sure what should happen - I'm not sure what you mean by this. As far as punishment goes, I think he's had that. However, you need to look towards preventing a recurrence. Replay it all over in your head, see what you could have done differently to try to hose things down, but without giving way in the wrong way.

    For example - the hot-cold pack. has he ruined these before? Possibly trying to get it back from him was not needed, or not important enough when you weigh up the risks vs the benefits. If it's a really cheap hot-cold pack (we get them here very cheaply) then my biggest worry would be the child ingesting some of the contents if he puts a hole in it. But there are plenty more where they come from. He was ecalated, he was agitated, further interaction with you was making him rapidly worse. The question was - how bad was he already? Was the danger of letting him keep the hot pack greater than risking making him worse by trying to remove it?

    I can't answer that. And even if you can, it is with 20:20 hindsight, which is the clearest vision of all. When in the heat of the moment, all you can do is make your best guess.

    Regarding our own use of hot packs - we don't use them, not the official ones. Instead I make an instant hot pack using a wet hand towel (or cloth nappy, aka diaper) folded neatly into a crinkly plastic shopping bag or freezer bag, and microwaved until it's hot. To warm up again - microwave it for another minute or so. It could be a safer alternative for you. I find it at least as fast to prepare as the more recognisable hot packs.

    As for taking his medications - why was he refusing? Was it because he didn't want Occupational Therapist (OT) be disturbed form his computer game? I do fiind that if I try to insist on instant compliance, we get oppositional behaviour.And if I think about it, I'm the same, if someone comes up to be if I'm busy (on the phone, watching a TV interview, watching the final few minutes of a TV drama series when the story plays out and we find out whodunnit) I'm likely to get stroppy and say, "Wait a minute!"

    So just as I want my kids to recognise that I sometimes need a few minutes, I also need to recognise that I must also wait until the child is ready. A computer game may seem to be a futile exercise to me, but to the kid, it is as important as my whodunnit. So I say, "When will you be ready? I will wait for a few minutes for you, but this is important and won't go away."

    What happened was very dangerous. I hope difficult child realises just how bad it could have been. When he said he wishes it had been him and not you, that is the closest you will get to him saying, "I'm so sorry. I love you and I feel bad that you are hurt, I wish it hadn't happened."

    It also makes it clear to me that he has been sufficiently punished. However, steps need to be put in place to reduce the chance of this happening again.

    You all need to be safe - from each other and from yourselves. difficult child especially.

  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    IMHHO, it might not matter much at this point. The main- or I should say the first- question is whether or not this might have left an impression on him and help him see how serious things are getting. I'm getting worried about you- he is only going to get bigger and stronger and I don't want you ending up with a knife pulled on you or being hurt worse than you already have.

    ((HUGS)) If I had a magic wand, I'd sure share it with you! I couldn't give it up altogether though, 'cause you know- I have a difficult child, too!
  5. Sharon74

    Sharon74 Guest


    I think I understand how you feel with your son. I have simmilar situations with mine. He does things without thinking and sometimes I get hurt in the crossfire. I don't DS ever means to hurt me (he really wouldn't intentionally hurt a fly), but when he gets angry, getting in his way is a problem. He will fight me to the end to get away.

    I know your son has been hospitalized (at least once), but will admit that I really dont' know your history as I am new and you have been here a long time. We have not found hospitalization to be helpful either. However, have you tried partial hospitalization? We found that VERY helpful here. Perhaps we were just lucky and ended up in a good program by chance? DS attended a partial hospitalization program for about one year. He went to the program (it wasn't even in a hospital) each morning and came home each late afternoon. He received all kinds of therapy there. It did wonders for him.

    I hope everything works out with your difficult child and you get a bit of a rest soon. Best of luck.
  6. emotionallybankrupt

    emotionallybankrupt New Member

    Wow. I've read your post several times, and I haven't found where difficult child got any consequences yet. If this had been my house, there would have been no husband, and no easy child to help me out. I would have had to call the police, and my guess is that difficult child would have been charged with three assaults and possibly four, depending on whether he was throwing the hot/cold pack randomly or aiming for me. I agree that it might have been a better decision not to follow upstairs, but my reading is that once there, you tried to disengage, only to be assaulted two more times.

    In my state, it wouldn't take much of that behavior for difficult child to be removed from my home. Do you think difficult child "gets it"? What if it had been only you and difficult child in the house at the time and you unable to get up? difficult child surely wouldn't have been able to stay home and watch TV while you were transported to the hospital.

    I would be explain to difficult child as clearly as possible exactly what COULD have happened over this. Has he ever had a chat with the police, and do you think it might be effective if he did? Even now, after the fact? If hospitalization is ineffective, and outpatient treatment is ineffective, that leaves only the court system, unless I'm missing something.

    Maybe it's because of my current perspective regarding my own difficult child, but I'm not impressed with his being "upset." in my humble opinion he should be VERY upset. And I think the reason is relevant. Does he have true remorse for hurting you, or is he only worried selfishly about how this incident could hurt HIM?
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    We had the psychiatrist appointment. Hospitalization was definitely on the table. In the mean time we are going to up his clonidine to try and get his hypo-mania under control. It may mean he is sleeping more for the time being, so be it.

    psychiatrist let difficult child know that any more violence and hospitalization would happen.

    The good thing is if hospitalization is decided upon the psychiatrist that was there last time is now gone! She quit so right now the three pediatric psychiatrists are rotating. If we decided to do a major medication switch we would try to have him up there when difficult child's psychiatrist is there. The problem is if we do the medication switch it means weekly blood draws for the first 6 months and then every two weeks after that.

    Gvcmom-We are almost maxed out on all his medications right now (except the clonidine) including the Loxapine. I agree though this can't continue.

    Marg-I agree I should have let the hot cold pack thing go, at the time I was thinking of all the things he has ruined and all the holes in doors from when he is mad and just didn't want anything else ruined. I agree also about giving time on the medications when he is on the computer, we had already been asking him for a bit to come and get it. He won't "finish" his game when given the opportunity.

    Klmno-I'd happily share the magic wand! I do think it made an impression to a point; the problem is I still don't know how much control he actually has.

    Sharon-He has been hospitalized 3 times. The first two were helpful, the last one wasn't. They have never given us the option of a partial hospitalization; I'm not sure if they have that here. I'm glad it has worked well for you and it is something for me to look into.

    Emotionallybankrupt-I do think he has some remorse because of what he said about wishing it was him and not me (he said that today not yesterday in the heat of the moment). Before that I wasn't really sure if he was sorry he hurt me or what might happen to him. He does receive a consequence every time he is violent called "stop the world". He loses all electronics and time with Mom and Dad. This has greatly reduced the number of violent incidents by difficult child in the last year or so. I don't think difficult child completely "gets" it but we did have a discussion with him about things that could have happened.
  8. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Sharon, next time please call 911 for transport of a mentally ill child to the ER. Explain to the police the situation behind it & he needs to be evaluated immediately.

    I agree a hospitalization visit for difficult child is just too short term; he needs a longer term facility. With staff that won't melt at the idea of difficult child being outside of the home. Short term (acute) does little but lessen the stressors in the home for a week or two.

    Sweetie, I worry about you. The first time wm was hospitalized then sent to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) I refused to take him home til a bed opened at Residential Treatment Center (RTC). They threatened me with arrest & I let SW know that I welcomed the respite. If it comes to that it comes to that. I was keeping ktbug & my family safe; my home safe.

    husband needs to get a clue - I know he's stressed beyond belief with his dad & then difficult child. He deserves to be able to spend time with Dad & not worry about you being hurt. And if your husband is like mine was the man is beside himself with anxiety; men don't easily let go of their family long term.

    I speak with love, sweetie, concern & for you, your family. What more can I say?
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    EB, Wiped Out's son has some issues that other difficult child's don't- it might be somewhat harder for him to get the rewards/consequences concept - although they don't seem to work so well for many of our kids anyway.

    Oops- she and TL snuck in on me!
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2009
  10. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    Wow, what a night. I'm glad you weren't hurt more then you were. I hope difficult child feels true remorse. ((hugs)))
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    You know, I'm still thinking my son has a mood disorder, whether it's BiPolar (BP) or not and I'm forming an opinion that until the difficult child with this kind of problem reaches a certain level of maturity (self awareness and control), there is not much we can do except ride with the tide and handles these situations the best we can and one at a time. That's what you are doing so don't beat yourself up about the ice pack. Yep, hind sight is always better after we've calmed down and see that we could have let that issue go in order to enforce a bigger one, but we are only human, too. Given all you carry on your shoulders, I think you handle these things extremely well.

    I hope it doesn't take a long term placement for him at some point later on.
  12. emotionallybankrupt

    emotionallybankrupt New Member

    Wiped Out--I think my post came across as being critical, and I'm sorry for that. My difficult child certainly never "got it" despite all the different approaches I tried with her. My response was a knee-jerk based on knowing how differently that scenario would have played out in my home situation and imagining how helpless I would have felt at the bottom of those stairs. It's a scary image.
  13. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    EB, you're dealing with different issues which superficially can look the same. It is so difficult when we try to manage this, because we're dealing with individuals and unique situaiotns, when the System (whether it's the cops, hospital or whatever) is set up for what works for the majority, and how people "normally" function.

    I know that what I would choose to do for my kids, is not how you wouldrespond for someone who already "gets it" but chooses to not apply self-control, in their determination to get their own way. Some peoplewho don't know us, probably think I'm an over-indulgent parent whose son is merely a spoilt brat allowed to run out of control. I've even had friends say this to us. I usually offer to let them babysit. Sometimes they hand back a child who behaved perfectly for them (rats! It backfired!) but sometimes over time especially, realisation dawns.

    Sometimes you just have to work it out for yourself.

    What I do, is I think - what do I want Occupational Therapist (OT) achieve in the short teerm? The medium term? The long term? And not just for the child, but for the family.

    Personal safety is paramount. My safety, the child's safety. But sometimes I have to take a risk and put personal safety to one side.

    Example - we like to go to the beach for a swim. Now, we're Aussies. We live near the beach. We've grown up being able to go to the beach (although when I was achild, we lived a couple of hours' drive form the beach). I grew up with occasional beach visits that left me badly sunburned each time. At that, I was better off than the rest of my family. And y'know what? We'd go to the beach all day next day, too. Crazy.
    People on this site (some of them) think we're crazy (or brave, or foolhardy) to go to the beach as much as we do, not knowing what else is swimming out there. Our village beach is away from the centre of Sydney, there are no nets. We know there are sharks. There are blue-ringed octopuses. But I've never seen a shark close up at the beach, only seen a blue-ringed octopus in the wild a few times because I don't hang around the rock pools where the octupuses are generally found (they prefer the deeper pools closer to the surf). And even when I have seen dangerous denizens, exposure to them and knowledge helps us stay perfectly safe. Knowing how sharks behave, keeps us safe (relatively) as swimmers. The people more likely to be attacked are the board riders especially in wet suits (they look like seals) who are splashing around away from other people (they seem to be behaving like animals in death throes, sick and easy ppickings for sharks).

    What I'm saying - we need to understand each situation and be ready to adapt to it. I might come to visit in the US and want to go for a walk in the woods, or a swim in a lake, and not know the dangers. I would need one of you alongsidde me to help me learn how to be safe (by the way, I'll do the same for any of you if you ever visit us here).

    So what are our goals for our kids?

    We want them to learn what is right and what is wrong.

    We want them to learn to consider other people's needs as well as their own.

    We want them to learn how to take care of themselves and how to stay safe, as well as keep other people safe.

    One day we want them to live a happy life, an independent life, a productive tax-paying life.

    Sometimes we need to modify our goals from moment to moment. We also have to constantly consider - how best do we achieve these goals?

    With a kid who is struggling with determining the boundaries between reality and whatever their mind is cooking up, you need to keep bringing them back to "This is real. These are the consequences of what happened." So here perhaps more so, depending on the child's ability to both understand and to change, punishment MAY be warranted. Consequences, certainly. But there is a difference between punishment and consequences.

    With a kid who already knows right form wrong but has impulse control issues - punishment achieves zilch. Consequences achive a great deal, especially ntural consequences.

    Again, life is much more likely to throw consequences at us, than punishment. If you steal from your friends, soon your friends will avoid you and you will be lonely. If you steal form a stranger or acquaintance, they are more likely to call the police. Again, consequences. IN some case there is overlap with punishemtn, but generally where punishemnt is imposed, especially if the child feels justified (and a childwho was enraged often does feel justified even after the event) then punishment only seems like revenge. But ah, consequences! THAT is the natural flow-on.

    People need to be kept safe. That includes parents and we often forget that. IN this situation, difficult child's consequences are - he sees you in pain and injured. He knows he caused it.
    I would be milking this (appropriately) and asking difficult child to help with tasks you are finding difficult with a sore ankle. Make them tasks that help everybody, such as helping to cook dinner.

    I do not think grounding is necessary, or any punishment not connected with what happened. Certainly a talking to about it (not a yelling to, a talking to) which sounds like you have done, Sharon. You should do a post-mortem on what happened and TOGETHER find a plan to help avoid this sort of problem in the future. THIS is the aim - long-term prevention and a lesson being learned.

    A TV show I was watching the other night (RSPCA, our animal welfare organisation) was showing a story about a labrador that slipped his leash while out with his elderly mistress, and got ont othe train tracks. The dog was hit by a train, knocked unconscious and badly bruised. Amazingly, nothing broken, no internal bleeding. But a very sore and sorry dog needing vet treatment and observation for a couple of days.
    Did the owner punish the dog? Of course not. Did the ownerNEED to punish the dog? Again, no.
    According to the owner, that dog is now nervous of trains and makes absolutely no attempt to slip his leash, ever.
    How did the dog learn? By natural consequences. Luckily he is alive to be able to put that knowledge into practice.
    It would have been better for the og to learn without being injured, but sometimes the unpredictable happens. That's why, where possible, we do our best to avoid dangerous situaitons and try to head them off before they happen. But especially with a difficult child (dog, or kid) these problems occur.

    We have some resources we can call on - police, hospital. Hopefully, others in our family environment. We use what we have, wisely. We make judgement calls. Often we don't get it right at the time.

    But if we can go over the events afterwards and use them as a learning experience, any pain that has resulted won't be a waste.

    Sharon, in a lot of ways your son's main problems are impulse control and poor attention. I don't think he's a bad kid, or a manipulative kid. But it takes a lot for him to lern something. I think he has learned something here. But he does need to know what could have happened and what options there were to respond to these various options (including police and hospital). He needs to know his own strategies for coping in the future. Both of you need to put something in place now, either a signal or an action, as a response to future problems. If he's getting upset, he needs to know to leave a situation. You need to learn the signs and allow him to do this (or help him remember). He also needs to identify what it was in him that made him so non-compliant, and find a way to work tis out with you NOW, while he is calm. Simply talking about this, is another important consequence. Again, not a punishment, merely a responsible response.

    EB, I don't know your child and chances are your responses to your situations are correct. For you, and for her. She sounds like she's got a lot of issues, plus she's older. She may have a lot more capability of fore-thought and consideraiotn of an issue. Or she may not - I really don't know. But all you can do, especially at her age now (and as a married lady) is to tell yourself, "I have given her all the values I could, while she was able and willing to take them on board. All I can do now is be available for her to come to for advice, when she chooses to."
    In some ways you are now at the hardest stage of parenthood. As a mother who has had three kids get married in the last 12 months, including two who really do not have the maturity yet to be independent, all I can do is say, "I feel for you. But you have done the best you coud and now have to sit and wait, catchers mitt at the ready."

    I'll join you.

  14. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I agree with Marg on this because what you are trying to cultivate in this situation is compassion. If you put too much stress on punishment it seems to me that it might just cause more of an adversarial situation. (I'm using the word "you" in general terms- I think WO pretty much already did this.)

    And after reading Marg's post, I'm reminded that difficult child and I use a "time out" approach. It isn't a punitive time out but a "regroup" time out. That means one of us notices that a situation is starting to escalate so the person suggests a time out, which means we drop the topic temporarily, no matter what it is- something he wants, something I want him to do, it doesn't matter- and we go to separate rooms and do something different until a person approaches the other and asked if we can talk about it now. My requirement is that I will talk to him or listen about anything, but he has to be calm enough not to get violent and just show a little respect (it can't be a "you F'ing B****" talk), and we will then try to move into a problem-solving mode. This doesn't always work, but it did curb a good deal of escalations.

    WO- Do you think your son is ready to try something like this? Can you discuss this with him sometime when he's calm and things are going well and propose it as an option? I was thrilled the first time my son was the one to notice the escalation and suggest a time out himself- before me. Maybe he would get this concept if you told him it's like "stop the world" before the situation gets worse and if he does that, he won't have any privileges taken away or be punished because he handled it maturely before it got to a point of needing to stop the world or doing something he regetted later.
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2009
  15. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I'm a tad short on time so I haven't read the replies. I'm so sorry. I know this is something you hoped would not happen - the escalating of his violence - usually trained on you.

    The fact that he feels remorse is a good thing, but that does not excuse or dismiss the fact that you could have been seriously injuried and that difficult child needs some intervention.

    Sharon, what happens if the next time it's a knife?

    He's getting bigger (which usually equates with stronger).

    Were there things you could have done differently in this situation? I would say that I would not have followed him up the stairs knowing he was so upset and would have just written off the pack. But whether it happend night before last or next week, it was bound to happen.

    Sharon, as much as you want the family together for the holidays, want to have the ideal, the upcoming schedule is probably going to be really tough on difficult child. If it's tough on difficult child, it means it's even tougher on you.

    In my opinion, husband needs to care about your safey first. Making excuses or justifying difficult child's behavior is like sticking his head in the sand, in my opinion. I'm sorry if this is harsh, but having just watched his wife get pushing down the stairs by his son should be a huge wake up call, in my opinion.

    Sharon, I know how much you love difficult child. I know how much you want him to be able to participate in upcoming festivities. I know you love him so much that you hope love and understanding will help.

    I think difficult child deserves to have his issues dealt with head on. How do you think he feels inside?

    Sharon, huge mega hugs to you.

  16. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Linda-I am getting closer to that point where we will need to call the police. In some ways more for easy child than anything. Even though we talk about the violence not being acceptable and the consequences and his uniqueness, I think it is affecting easy child more than I'd like to think it does. I also think you are right about husband being beside himself with anxiety.

    Kathie-Thanks for the hugs!

    EB-No apology necessary! I appreciate all points of view; it always helps to see things in a different light.

    Marg-I agree he is not a bad kid (manipulative-sometimes). I agree he needs to learn to calm himself or leave a situation. It's something we've been working with him at home and in therapy for years. by the way, I agree simply talking about it is a consequence for difficult child.

    Klmno-I like the idea of him giving himself a timeout. He has done things similar to that in the past and I think it's worth revisiting with him the idea-thanks!
  17. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sharon-You snuck in while I was typing my replies. I do think there is a good possibility of difficult child having to be hospitalized soon, especially if the new thing we are trying with the clonidine doesn't help, maybe even if it does because this is going to put him in a more tired state and if his body doesn't adjust then we will need to do the hospitalization. I do agree the schedule can be tough on him (esp. Thanksgiving with my family because of how he doesn't get along with my dad's wife at times). I don't think you are being harsh with husband. He was very upset when it happened and difficult child knew it. I think I was surprised (and a bit upset) that he said he didn't consider things unsafe until he had pushed me. At first I thought he meant even with the push down the stairs. For me the car thing a few weeks ago was very unsafe. I think it was more easy for me to see the dangers because it happened to me. In some ways I think husband and I both become numb to an extent or we try to ourselves to explain it away (not saying this is a good thing at all), that we could do things differently and he will do better, etc.... We never do that with difficult child though, we try to make him responsible for his action and not to give him excuses. Not sure if this is making a lot of sense-(it's very early and my brain isn't completely awake yet:))
  18. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Sharon ~ husband & I had become "conditioned" to the physical aggression that wm used on myself; because we had kt so separated from wm (in the same home) wm took it out on me. husband stood between wm, kt & myself.

    Saying all that, the conditioning wasn't helping kt learn that this is not how men/boys treat the women in their lives. husband ultimately decided when it was time for wm to be placed permanently out of the house because he felt that kt needed to see another man in her life protect her.

    easy child will continue to see the "excuses" or the "problem" that difficult child displays with physical aggression & she will think that is okay. I fear for that for her.

    I know that you & husband are doing the best you can - I pray that there is some resolution soon. Your body cannot continue at this rate & no mother should be abused by their child.
  19. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I'm sorry that you live in a war zone. It seems to come at you from every direction.
    We all have a different level of tolerance for violence. Yours is much higher than mine.
    Hopefully, the psychiatristtor isn't using hospitalization as punishment. It is where he can go to get a grip.
    Maybe the reason hospitalization isn't working is because this isn't treatable with medications or psychotherapy.
    I know we have had this discussion before about how not all of our kids can live a more mainstream life. The good thing is that you can blame some of this on puberty.
    I have always feared for your safety. If husband is not in favor of hospitalization he will have to come up with another alternative. His wife and daughter and even he can be in danger.
    Hugs. I hope your ankle heals quickly and the wounds heal in your heart and in the heart of easy child. Watching mom being pushed down the steps is pretty traumatizing.
  20. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Let me clarify, WO- the "time out" we use here is for both difficult child and I. I visualize my son being married someday and getting into a heated argument. No matter who is right or who is wrong, they need to know how to de-escalate things before it turns to violence. Therefore, my idea is that BOTH people take a few minutes- or two days- or whatever, to get emotions in tact and head back into control. Also, even though I'm the parent and this is not an "equal" relationship with difficult child like a marriage would be, I figure he's more likely to participate in this plan if he sees us both doing it- he sees it as an adult coping skill, not a "difficult child treatment".