I did let go. difficult child update

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Oct 9, 2010.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member


    yea me again. i went to the support group today, talked to other parents, they were at a loss just as I am. They too said Jen we're so sorry we dont' know what we would do in your situation. difficult child still hadnt' complted breakfast and was up in room so she lost her visitatoin for tmrw.

    i went to nurses' station and i asked to speak to the dr. long story short him and I met and the nurse.

    He said to me your child has the will of a terrorist. I've never seen anything like it in all my years. Her mood disorder is so strong that it makes her crave control at all times, that's how these kids are. She is over the phobia we saw her eat we know what she can do. she is more than capable.

    he said to me you can discharge her today or tmrw if you want, i will wean down the lithium so it's safe or you can trust me. He said you have had to for years play the dr. therapist mother etc. with no real relief in her symptoms and a very hard life up till now. she is now trying to control and manipulate anything she can. yet the one thing she won't do is eat.

    she is now on room isolation, her ipod, phone, labtop has all been taken away, her visitation has been taken away. it's too long to post it all yet he said to me if you do not break her she will never adhere to any treatment program. i have to get her stable with-the medications. that she is NOW refusing as well. I said i knew she'd totally shut down on you.

    so i approved them giving her shots if she wont' swallow them as well.

    i chose to leave her there becasue i can't deal with-her behaviors at home anymore. I can't leave her home without eating. I cant' pull her becasue if i do she'll never make it work anywhere else. I'm out of options. transitioning into another facility wouldnt' work. This doctor has only known her for a small amt of days and he seems to have a pretty good handle on what she's about already.

    he told me that difficult child has verbalized that dad bad mouths me alot. and that has alot to do with her eating disorder now. he said he will try to talk to him, and will also try to include him in family therapy and that to remain controlled and let them handle ex h. if he wont' comply with way their telling him to handle her than he said honestly the next step is giong to court with-all your medical documentation and putting him on either supervised or no visitation at all.

    he told me go home, take care of you, get a therapist to help you handle this difficlut time it's very hard but i truly think it'll work. and try to resume life the best you can right now.

    they brought difficult child into the room. she looks fine by the way, picked out cute little earrings she had on etc. he said to her do you want to visit with mom? she said yes and began tearing up. he said what do you have to do for that to happen? she said eat my food. she said you took everything away though i have nothing left. he said you will get it all back if you eat your food.

    i told her i am not taking you home. i trust these doctor's and i do love you very much which is why you are here. i said when you complete 3 meals i will be here and am looking forward to it. yet right now your in control and you know what you need to do to get what you want.

    and i left. i'm at hotel packing up my things. heading home. not sure how i'll cope yet i'm sure someway i'l get thru just like you guys have. i am calling a therapist for me now to set up appointment for next week also.

    i don't know how i feel right now. yet the dr said one thing. if you don't do this you'll keep her in this disorder right now and sick. that spoke volumes to me. i never want to be the cause of her illness. i don't want to be ex h.

    i told him my main goal since the first diagnosis was to give her wings so she could fly. she could funciton on her own someday because she'll need to with-o me.

    he said that's exactly it. your stronger than her you can do this.
  2. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    ((((HUGS)))) I am sorry you are going through this. You are doing the right thing for your child even though it is the most difficult thing you've probably ever had to do. It shows how much you love her and want her to be well. Do take care of yourself and see a therapist to help you through this. Hoping you find some peace.
  3. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Jena - I'm so proud of you. I know how hard it was/is, but... you are a true warrior mom.

    I personally think dr. is on right track. It's about control. She needs to really understand that she *is* in control of it all - the no ipod, visit, calls, etc. Her control.

    A therapist told me a very long time ago that some kids will absolutely not budge an inch until it starts to cost them too much to continue on as they are. What he failed to warn me about is the fact that some kids can withstand a simply stunning amt of misery without blinking an eye. I've got one of those - sounds like you do too.

    It's time to put this on difficult child's shoulders. She needs to work the program. Her choice, her control. Don't let her get away with "they took my phone away." It's a gentle, loving, but firm "No, darling, you took your phone away by not doing what you're supposed to do." in my humble opinion, these kids who crave such total control need to understand that they are still in control even when consequences are applied. Just because things aren't going their way, it doesn't mean it's out of their control.

    It is time to take care of yourself, hon. You need a whole lot of TLC. Don't worry about ex - let hospital deal with- him for right now.
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Just sending hugs.
  5. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    Jena -

    I am glad that your daughter has a doctor whom you trust and with whom you feel safe leaving your daughter. I think he is right about the medications - the therapy can't really be effective until she is capable of letting it be. Now that it's been established that there is nothing physically preventing her from eating or swallowing, the psychiatric component is at the forefront. The good news is that the doctor is willing to work with you to get your X in line so that you don't have to deal with it alone anymore. Hopefully, the talk therapy will deal with your daughter's anger about your divorce - from what you say, it was the 1000% right thing to do but she is too young to have memory of how dangerous it was for you and her to be around him. It seems like she is trying to guilt you into getting back with her dad - did she ratchet up her behaviors when you remarried? and that's not going to happen so she has to learn to deal with it. It's like she has a fantasy or a delusion and maybe she thinks that if she's sick, you and her dad will get together to take care of her. She needs to come to grips with the fact that that won't happen and only the therapists can help her do that. Real life is not The Parent Trap.

    Hopefully, once she has dealt with these underlying issues, she will go on and have a happy rest of her life. She has a great start on it with your support.
  6. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Jen, as I said in a previous thread, you know your child best. We can armchair-quarterback and backseat-drive your daughter's treatment -- and most of the time, we are likely being very unfair to you and your child. We cannot possibly know all of the nuances of what has gone on all these years with your daughter's illness. You are the only one who can know that.

    So listen to your heart and do what you think is right for C. And take care of yourself. Because when she is out of the hospital, she will need you to be there for her. And know that we are here for you every step of the way. Hugs for your hurting mommy heart.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hugs Jen.

    Im so glad Slsh chimed in here. I remember when thank you was at his first or second Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and she had to make the very difficult decision to just not visit him for what turned out to be quite a long time. He wasnt working the program and it was just an excersise in frustration to keep dragging her family out to visit this little manipulative (oh forgive me sue...lol...) PITA so the team decided that they would all take a break. Well, like she said, her son is the king of cutting off his nose to spite his face. He is actually doing a bit better than his older two "muskateer" brothers on the board though.
  8. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Hugs to you Jen!

    You are doing great! Leaving her there is so hard! I am amazed that she looks fine after her ordeal. You have run out of options so this one better work. I think restricting visits with ex-H is in order or insist on supervised visits while she is hospitalized. Him bad mouthing you will only give her fuel for her battle.

    I am glad the doctor pointed out to her that eating was in her control. She knows she is driving this scenerio and needs to know that her actions do have consequences. It does feel like a power struggle and she has the power to end the struggle.

    You didn't mention food phobia this post - where does that issue stand? This has gotten so complicated - so many issues to address all leading in a circle. Did the doctor give you a long range plan on how to handle this once she starts cooperating with the program? Are they addressing her fear of choking besides saying, "You will not choke, eat and we will prove it!" Everything seems so harsh.

    Like you said, you can no longer do this on your own at home.
  9. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    Hugs to you. You know her the best. I hope she will give up the battle soon.
  10. Jena

    Jena New Member

    ok thanks but now you guys should go read my new post about what the jerky dr. did as soon as my feet hit the pavement today.