I don't know where to begin

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Luminosity, Mar 8, 2007.

  1. Luminosity

    Luminosity New Member

    Today is one of the worst days I have had related to difficult child in months. Not only did he get suspended (first time ever) for one day for fighting, I had a card from children's aid in my door today. This is the third time in a year that someone has called children's aid on me. I do not abuse my children. I am trying to track when/who would have done this. The other 2 times were the mental health clinic my difficult child was getting therapy at. He lies. He lies to cover his own bad behaviour. This time he told the school that my husband and I were fighting all the time and that is why he has been late for school. The school called and told me about this but didn't mention they had called CAS. I have a friend who is a SW. She let me know that my name was in the system again but she couldn't say who made the complaint. I thought my difficult child had learned his lesson the last time for lying. Now I am faced with the possibility he will be removed from the home. OR... my husband recently kicked his 18 yo daughter out of our house. She has a house to live at... she can stay at her mother's and that is where she is... it isn't like we kicked her to the curb with no resourses. My gut is telling me that her and her mother called a complaint but yet the other 2 kids are with me alone this week as there dad is out of town. I am confused and frustrated and maybe this isn't where this post should be but I don't know where else it should go. I am sick of being labelled because of my bipolar illness. I am waiting for the SW to call me back and to find out more details. My friend said to sit tight. If CAS thought anyone was in danger they would have been at my door within 12 hours. It's been a week since she noticed my name in the system. I am freaking. I am upset with the suspension and I can not concentrate. My difficult child is also showing some signs of a tic. I can't get our gp on the phone to make an appointment and well... ugh.. I am just a mess...
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Well-Known Member

    {{{Hugs}}} Now take some deep breaths. You will get through this. You aren't the first and not the last to go through this. Take a quick look around the house: Relatively clean? Healthful food in the house? Everyone has appropriate sleeping arrangements? Clean clothing is available? Anything potentially dangerous need to be repaired? Make sure the pets haven't left any unexpected messes.
    Two more pressing issues (in my mind) are the circumstances of difficult child's suspension. Have you spoken to the school? Does he need to have any classwork completed before returning? Do they have a strategy to help difficult child from getting into more fights? The other issue is the tic. Is he on any medications? Some medications can exacerbate tics and make kids more aggressive. Is this a possibility? Does the doctor have an answering service? What you would do if he had a bad cough and a fever and you couldn't contact the doctor? Is there some kind of urgent care or clinic you can visit?
    Many {{{hugs}}}, I can certainly understand why you are so upset.
  3. Luminosity

    Luminosity New Member

    My son was on the defensive side of the fight and he didn't hurt the other child... the other child bite my difficult child. Our Spring break starts tomorrow so there is no school work to deal with. I am going to fight the record though. Our school system has a zero tolerance and everyone is equally punished. But that doesn't mean my son should have this on his permanent record.

    As for CAS... my house is fine and they won't just show up to meet, it will be on my terms. My SW friend guides me through these stupid accusations. I know my rights thanks to her. It still doesn't make it any less stressful.

    We have the emergency department at the hospital but this isn't an emergency. He isn't on any medications so I don't know where or what is causing the tic.

    Thank you for responding... I am a mess sitting here at work on the verge of tears.

  4. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Well-Known Member

    You certainly have a lot on your plate. I hope one of the Moms with ticcing difficult children check in. What type of tic is it? When did it first show up?
  5. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Tics can be caused by anxiety. Tics should be evaluated by a pediatric neurologist.
  6. Luminosity

    Luminosity New Member

    He cricks his neck like you would if you had a knot in it. But it's over and over... 4 or 5 times in a 10 minute span. Then it goes away for a few hours and comes back. It's bad after school. I am hoping it is just stress related and not a tic (lesser of two evils??) He has no control over it and isn't conscious of it until it really starts to hurt.
  7. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    A tic simply means an involuntary repetitive movement (either motor or vocal). Tics can be stress-related.
  8. Luminosity

    Luminosity New Member

    well then it is a tic probably stress related... thanks
  9. oceans

    oceans New Member

    Can you take the steps to get your son diagnosed? You and your ex both have bipolar and you think your son does, but he has not been diagnosed and is not on medications. Does he have an IEP at school?
  10. Luminosity

    Luminosity New Member

    Yes, I have been waiting for the referral to come through... our health system isn't the greatest where I am. There is IEP at school but his school work is straight A's so there isn't a "need" for it... his behaviour is usually good at school.. this is the first incident. It's home where he acts up usually.

  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry for your stressful day. Hugs.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hey, you really have a lot going on. Believe it or not, I wouldn't worry too much about CPS. It doesn't sound like they have anything to pick on. I'd get whoever is treating your child in on the CPS visit--maybe he can call the social worker when she's there, if it seems she doesn't "get it." Tics can be many things, including Tourette's Syndrome, which can also cause behavior problems and severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Here's a link. Click on "tic" disorders. I'd see a Neurologist to see what he thinks. Don't try to guess because then you really don't know, nor do we. Most of all, take care of yourself too!
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    It's a good idea to have the ticcing issue checked out by a pediatric neurologist.

    My T never acted out in school either. And he made good grades til jr high so I always got poo pooed when it came to getting him help. It's frustrating.

  14. Luminosity

    Luminosity New Member

    Well I am anticipating the phone call soon. I will post when I know more details. I am going to try my gp today again and see if I can get him in.
    Thanks for all your support and kind words.

  15. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    no wonder you are disgusted. that is a lot of stuff to bear. hope today is better and that this gets ironed out.
  16. Luminosity

    Luminosity New Member

    Well CAS called. Without actually telling me who called the complaint she gave me hints. Without actually telling me she implied that the stepdaughter had nothing to do with it. It has to do with his being late for school 7 times and the when called on it he told them it was because my husband and I are fighting and it makes him late. My husband is gone before I even wake up. I leave for work 10 minutes before he has to leave for school. It is a matter of him not wanting to get to school until after the bell rang. Considering yesterday's events and what he told me last night I know why that is... besides getting caught up on a tv show. So because I am going away on business next week the home visit is deferred until the 20th. So obviously there is no iminent danger to my son. ARGGGGGGG I hate this. She wasn't going to discuss anything with me on the phone but I told her there is NO WAY I am going to wait the whole weekend to find out why a complaint has been filed. I told her why I thought it was filed and without telling me she implied that I was right. I let her know that I had someone else visit the home before and told her to talk to the other SW. After about a 20 minute conversation we hung up. Within 5 minutes she called me back to tell me that there was no real hurry and that she would come visit after 6 on the 20th. It still drives me mad. I am just frustrated. Why can't they just leave the people alone that are really not any danger to their children and concentrate on the ones who's kids really need the help. So I am steaming now. Still unable to concentrate but have 2 hours left. I am hoping to sneak out early. I need a break. Thanks for your support and for letting me vent.

  17. TexasTornado

    TexasTornado New Member

    WOW-so basically they are coming because husband and you "fight" sheesh.....and what couples don't-especially with the stress of special need kids??????
    Do they really come out for such silly things? I can understand why now so many have had visits-this is crazy.....and I guess i can be expecting such a visit in the near future;) LOLOLOL
    The whoel thing is just cooky-and your son gets good grades???I seriously cant believe they would want a visit for such a silly thing....and think bat all the kids who ARE truly in dangerous situations and don't get looked at-and here we are trying the best we can and get reported.....
    Love ya,
  18. Luminosity

    Luminosity New Member

    Yup they do, BUT my SW friend actually my closest friend said that the laws here will change as of April 1. That they won't be forced by the government to respond to such silly things. So maybe next time difficult child decides to lie to get himself out of trouble I won't get a call from CAS. I am not supposed to know that the law is changing... I am just happy my friend cares enough about me to help me navigate the system.

    Thanks for listening

  19. Luminosity

    Luminosity New Member

    SW has been here to see me and difficult child. The teacher called CAS. Apparently I am neglecting my difficult child. He refuses to wear socks... I leave them out with his clean clothes everyday. He won't put on the clean clothes and he takes the socks off as soon as I go to work. He was going to school without a lunch. Well the lunch sat on the counter in the fridge or left in pack sack uneaten.... He went to school for 3 days without glasses... his glasses broke - he actually broke them - and we had to wait 5 days for the prescription to be filled and the glasses made. We did not have a spare pair and his prescription changed anyway.... His hair wasn't clean or combed.... OK so how many parents are going to force an 11 yr old to get in the shower??? I have asked, begged, pleaded and demanded he get clean... does it work???? Uhm... not for me. I guess I am the only mother in the world that can't get her child to do what is asked!

    Oh and the lates and the fighting between my husband and myself... well... even if I did send him to school when I leave for work would not guarantee his on time arrival... He could dawdle... go back to the house whatever... so now I am late for work everyday... just to make him go to school on time... I guess my son is the only one in the whole school who is late and lies about why. Remember too that he got suspended... was he avoiding being at school on time so he didn't have to deal with the bully???? If I leave my difficult child at school too early I am also neglecting him... how do I win that situation???

    So......... difficult child is now showering willingly... making a lunch or coming home for lunch - we live a 5 minute walk from school - combing his hair, wearing clean clothes, wearing socks and on time for school... not because I have changed my parenting ways... but because he is now aware that people look down on that type of behaviour....

    I am aware that my son was showing signs of depression - was I trying to get him help - well look at my very first post (not this post but the first post I ever wrote)... I am trying... I am not getting the referral response the gp is always away with no replacement gp... it is the time of year that they go to warmer climates... I finally asked my psychiatrist for help.... he is going to try... but try is all he can do and he is chief of staff at the psychiatric hospital....

    Now am I blaming everyone else for my son's behaviour... no... I am and was aware of the issues... I tried... the fighting the oppositional behaviour... wore me out... did the teacher and principal over react??? Uhm in my opinion YES... I talked to the principal... if she or his teacher had ask a local teacher - neither are from this small town - look at his school records whatever they would have seen this behaviour in him before or told that this wasn't an uncommon situation.. is it a good situation NO of course not... but can you honestly say you can force your 11 year old 5' 5" 110lb child to put on socks, clean clothes, shower or brush his hair??? I would like nothing more than to have him cut all that mop off.... not gonna happen without a fight... it's the style and who wants to be unlike the crowd... certainly not him... he has enough trouble socially... his reaction to the complaint... what? I can't wear what I want and go without socks or not shower? it's my body isn't it???? I hate socks and the pants are comfy!!! There will be a day when I can't get him to wear the same outfit for the whole day... or shower only once a day.... and man when the hormones really kick in and a girl gets involved... that hair will be a perfect as perfect can be... most logical parents understand this don't they???

    Teacher is 23 not married no kids... go figure??? The talk with the principal was constructive... she is an acting principal... the regular principal is off sick and has been all year... if she were there NONE of this would have happened... she knows his history... she knows me.

    Some of the issue is that I didn't go for any parent/teacher interviews... well if your child has all A's in my mind there wasn't a reason to discuss his progress... he is progressing above provicial standards... that's a good thing isn't it??? I have spoken to the teacher over the phone... explaining that I work 30 minutes from home... she would have to wait for almost 7 pm to have an interview with me... does she want to do that??? Uhm...NO... can I take the time off work? Probably if I felt I needed to discuss something with her. His grades are good, there had been no behavioural problems up to that point of suspension... in my mind there was no reason to take the time off....

    now I am late for work IF I can even get myself out of bed... I am sick... not just physically but mentally... psychiatrist is adjusting medications accordingly... just a little too much stress for my bipolar mind to cope with.

    OH, it's not over with CAS.. you might think that it would be... but husband decided he didn't need to be at the meeting with SW.... she feels otherwise and now she is coming to see him....

    Oh, and.... of course SW has a little chat with difficult child privately to ask his opinions etc... he told me later she asked if anyone had touched him in his "you know, private area"... no one has of course but he found this funny. I told him he should have looked her in the eyes and said "no, no one has touched my :censored2: or anus!" We don't use baby terms for our genitals in our house... no offense meant to anyone who is uncomfortable with direct terms. We had a good chuckle over that... was I wrong with that comment? probably... but it was between him and me... and if she asks again... man do I wish to be a fly on the wall when he responds...

    As for meeting with husband... the relationship between him and difficult child is not what you would call good... they fight a lot... my husband resorts to difficult child behaviour... don't know when that man will grow up. I have warned him if he says anything that gets my son removed... I will be removing us permanently... I am all out the door but my toe at this point... whole other story and a huge part of the added stress.... Sorry this is long... needed a vent and to update...

  20. cindygirl

    cindygirl New Member

    Social Services are just going through the motions. Kids don't seem to be a priority for these agencies. But every report needs to be investigated. I wish that Social Services would even return my phone calls when I call with a problem, but I'm just a parent and I am legally obligated to keep her home until she is 16. (That's if I can find her again) Keep your chin up and your head down.