I don't want to

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by JLady, Mar 30, 2009.

  1. JLady

    JLady A ship lost in the night

    difficult child had counseling tonight. He doesn't listen and takes it as a time of play. The counselor basically said that he doesn't know how to help him. He isn't absorbing anything being said.

    No kidding! Everyone complains and no one has any answers. I read the books that tell you how to distract, use key words, teach new behaviors. None of it is working. We talk and talk and talk but when it comes time, difficult child doesn't use what we are learning. Ask him anything and he can repeat it all back. I've even taken the time to explain step by step what is expected of him, what I am saying, and why. Does it matter? Not one bit!

    It is so frustrating. I don't want to do this. Do you ever feel that way? I feel like I'm beating my head against a brick wall. Everyone says he is just spoiled, just needs his rear whipped. They don't get it and I feel so alone.

    I keep bouncing between denial and acceptance. I just want to run away. I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle but I don't want to do this. I don't want to fight this battle. It just stinks! Worse than that, I have no idea what to do and I am beginning to think that nothing is going to help.
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Can you take a break from therapist? Sometimes it just isn't effective and not worth the headache and frustration. I think there is a small percentage of tdocs that can work well with yoiung kids- play therapy is supposed to be pretty good. But I can't see anyway for real "talk therapy" to work with a 7yo difficult child, in my humble opinion.

  3. JLady

    JLady A ship lost in the night

    I think taking a break from the therapist is a great idea. I feel like I'm wasting my time and money. Does difficult child ever just get to be a kid? Am I pushing too hard? I just feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't know how to help him.
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    review The Explosive Child, take a break from therapist, ask around for someone who does play therapy- those are my suggestions. If he's on medications, maybe review them with psychiatrist. Sometimes lightening up on my son went a long way. Other times it made things worse- you need to follow your mommy heart, but if you are leaving therapy with both of you feeling worse and things are not getting better, it's time for a change.

    In our situation, when my son first started with a therapist for intensive therapy, things got drasticly worse the loonger we tried this. I stopped the therapist and started spending the time with my son just doing things like taking a walk at the park or playing a game or going to get a bit to eat and stressing that we didn't have to talk, I would not lecture him or question him, but if he wanted to talk to me, he could. Our relationship really improved after that, and subsequently, his behavior did.

    I don't know what went wrong after that, but things were great for about 6-9 mos. My point being, though, that if therapist isn't helping, drop it.
  5. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Jlady! Don't dispair! Let me ask you:

    How does his Aspergers present? My difficult child 1 is a miniature dictator. Decent eye contact, speaks beautifully, laughs (when it's to his benefit) - but can swing into a screaming, verbally abusive little creep if his anxiety "lights him up".

    Conversely, difficult child 2 has terrible eye contact, walks on his toes, wears his underwear backward (and doesn't notice), but is warm, loving, affectionate and has empathy to a fault. Frustrate him? Uh-uh...you have awakened the "Hulk". He drops to the floor and cries. Or he'll throw a desk (extremely rare!).

    Honestly? difficult child 1 has been in therapy for 5 years and I'm just about ready to quit. He had a meltdown this past Thurs. because the therapist wanted him to respond to a question and he didn't "feel like answering". In the heat of the meltdown, he said "eff you" to me! After all was said and done I told him "By the way, don't think I don't remember, and trust me I will never forget, that you said "f-u" to me. What I want you to keep in the very front of your brain is that if you EVER say that to me again, I'm going to slap your face and I don't care who sees me." "They can call ACS on me, take you away, but I will NEVER listen to it again, DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?"

    I wanted to snap him in half! ;) It's natural to be frustrated! I'd like to suggest that you look more deeply into Aspergers Syndrome itself. Once you're more comfortable in your skin with the diagnosis itself, it'll be easier to deal with.

    In the meantime, keep on posting! Sometimes just venting makes you feel so much better!

  6. Chewsie

    Chewsie New Member

    I'm sorry things are rough with therapy. You are not alone. My 10 year old has a diagnosis of Aspergers, mood disorder-not otherwise specified, ADHD, depression, and I'm waiting for them to add..kitchen sink as one of them. Our therapists and psychiatric doctor told us to impose more consequences for disrespectful behavior. It went so well we had the police at our door today because the neighbors heard my son screaming "F-U, and Go to hell" to us at the top of his lungs and smashing things in his room for being grounded for three days for disrespecting us. So I completely understand being at the end of your rope with therapists and we often feel like there is no help and no one understands. I have wanted to run away, send him away, you name it. Just know you are not alone.

  7. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    What is the goal for therapy? That would me my question next time you meet. In fact, every time kt & wm go to therapy there is a goal to be met in that session or nothing is accomplished as my difficult children are notorious for getting & keeping everybody off track.

    I've taken therapeutic breaks for a month or two at a time. Mostly because I'm burnt out. I remember my difficult children at 7 ~ therapy wasn't that helpful at that time. The toys in the office were far more interesting. ;)
  8. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Hi JLady--

    My difficult child can also repeat back all of the things she is "supposed" to be learning from therapy....but there is no applying any of it in real life. She sits on the couch during session with a blank look on her face, as though nothing being said has anything to do with her. I actually thought that maybe she was being reticent because I was in the room....so on more than one occasion I have offered to leave and give difficult child and therapist some privacy--but difficult child always says "No, I don't know the answers to any of her questions anyway..."

    The most helpful kind of therapy that my daughter has ever experienced is group therapy where the kids do role-playing activities. For example, if you saw a couple of kids playing basketball and you wanted to play, too--how would you go about it? If you call someone a name, how are they likely to feel? If someone was standing in your way, what are the possible ways to get them to move? What way seems to work out best? Etc Etc


    Unfortunately....most of these programs have been getting cut in my area due to budget/economic constraints.

    Perhaps this is more of the type of therapy that your son needs? Less talking and more application?

    Just a suggestion...

  9. jal

    jal Member

    Hi JLady -

    My difficult child is getting along the lines of what DaisyFace mentioned. He's been diagnosis'd Aspergers, mood disorder and sensory processing disorder (SPD). We receive in home intensive therapy 2 times a week. For example difficult child will be starting t-ball soon (he played last year, but has been away from the kids he knows since we placed him in an out of district therapeutic school). They worked with him on creating a social story about how difficult child would approach others and respond. They incorporate learning about emotions and talking about what to do with them with games that they bring. They've helped him to created a sensory box of things that make him safe and happy and calm. They don't sit and lecture or expect him to sit and talk, but they take pieces of what he needs and needs to work on an incorporate them in fun ways so that he gets it in his own way. I have been where you are (before we got the right diagnosis) for many years. It can get better. Does your town have a family guidance center where you may sign up for these services? You may also want to check with DCF Voluntary Services in your state and see if you can get in their program. It was the scariest thing we had to do but DCF offers a lot of assistance with autism through the dept of MR and our team has been awesome. I wish I had started a year ago when it was origianlly recommended to us. Hang in there.
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    AS is different and frustrating in it's differences! I have spent years trying to get appropriate therapy for difficult child. Only one program had positive effects. It was held in a big city almost two hours away. It cost $1800 up front (no insurance help) and the sessions were every Saturday for ten or twelve weeks.

    One on one therapist times don't impact social skills for AS, in my humble opinion. Most AS kids can sit and pretend to communicate for an hour or so with an adult. That doesn't help in the "real" world where they are desperate for friends.

    The unique program I referred to above had eight kids per session and four techs in addition to a psychiatrist and two Tdocs. Sitting around a conference table they were required to take turns listening to each other share some personal info. For example "I have a big brother, a dog and a cat." Going around the table each child had to say something to that child including repeating their name. For Ex. "Susan, what kind of dog do you have?" or "Is your big brother nice to you, Susan?" The techs provided support to each child as it went around the room. This was the first and only time that difficult child "got it" that you were suppose to listen and remember something about someone else! Each week one parent was invited to sit in the room and observe the session for an hour and the child was encouraged to tell the group about his/her family member.

    AS is difficult. I wish you good luck. DDD
  11. Stella

    Stella New Member

    Has anyone ever tried play therapy? or would that work for kids with AS? I'm looking into it now for my difficult child to see if it can help with her emotional problems.
  12. JLady

    JLady A ship lost in the night

    Thanks for all the replies. Our area has a parent support group that meets once a month. I will be going to my first meeting this Thursday evening. While they have the support group for the parents, they have social group for the AS kids. I think this may be more help than the one on one therapy.

    I'm reading so much. I'm trying to absorb all I can. I am now listening to a book on cd called "Look me in the eye". It is the story of a man who grew up wiht Aspergers (undiagnosed). It is giving me a lot of insight. There is conflicting information compared to what I've been reading. But it is helping me to understand some more.

    I guess I just need to remember to take it one day at a time. One step at a time.