I feel I'm losing it because I think I should move to Colorado and save him.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by blackgnat, Oct 27, 2016.

  1. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    There's no saving him, but I can't see this cycle ending -okay, then not, then drunk, then high on heroin and crystal meth. Couch surfing, sleeping under a bush, in a shelter, then in detox and back out on the streets, nowhere to go, unmedicated.

    Help from resources, case workers, in line for an apartment but calls from detox tonight for the millionth time and says he doesn't have time left to wait for them to approve his place in the apartment. Will die if we don't help, but he doesn't know what kind of help he needs-can't give any guarantees that he's not going to go out and do the same thing because as long as he's homeless he isn't going to be able to survive without the mind altering substances that allow him to escape his reality.

    I'd rather see him alive than have to make the journey anyway, but be doing it to identify his corpse.

    Okay guys, rant over. Thanks for reading.
     
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I understand. I have to fight with myself on a daily to not give into my son's many tearful requests to just come home and try again. I know it would be a disaster.

    Your son is not ready to change. Please do not rush in to rescue him. He was violent towards you. He is still that person.
     
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  3. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Thanks,, pasa , for replying. You are right. I'm not being overly dramatic when I say I believe he would kill me, if he was in an altered state.

    Believe it or not, I FORGET this and have to remind myself of the danger of even being alone with him, if he was taking any substances.

    Can you say DENIAL?
     
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  4. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I don't think it's denial, rather you love your child and want to make his life better. The problem is, only he can do that.

    It was so hard for me to detach when my son was threatening suicide when I found out the truth about a six month conn he and girlfriend had going to get money from me. They had a fight and she called me that he was suicidal and had left in a thunderstorm. She was screaming at me over the phone, obviously high or drunk, may be both.

    I called the police and they found him next door at a friends. He said he was not suicidal and there was nothing they could do.

    He and girlfriend had been using the money I had been sending him to finish college courses partying every single night, all night. He had dropped out and I guess he forgot to tell me.

    The same weekend he and girlfriend had a drunken brawl and the mother and girlfriend put all of his belongings out in the rain and ruined all of his musical equipment. The rest was stolen.

    girlfriend was arrested and put in detox.

    He called asking for money, I did offer to call and pay for a hotel room for a few nights, but he wanted money. He threatened suicide again and told me I never loved him and he was sorry he was born. I unplugged my phone after I gave him numbers for clinics. I know he was living on the streets and in the woods. It was horrible as I know it is for you. I also knew he would continue to use and abuse until he decided to stop.

    The mother called me and told me how horrible I was for not helping my son. I felt completely hopeless and completely helpless. But, deep down I knew he had to work this out for himself.

    Stay strong, if you give in now he will continue on this path because he knows he can wear you down. He has to have a reason to change his lifestyle, he has to want it.

    It's horrible, no mother or other loved one should have to go through this. Please take care of you.

    (((hugs and blessings)))
     
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    Last edited: Oct 27, 2016
  5. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I understand, BG. My son is in CO too, supposedly sleeping in a tent in the woods and working day labor. He says he has a network of support, emergency shelter if needed, meals, and if he gets cold he goes to Walmart or the hospital lobby. I'm sad for him and want to make it better, but at the same time he sounds good. Better than he has in a really long time.

    I totally get the fear that they will reach for substances to alleviate the reality of living on the streets. But won't they do the same thing to alleviate the reality of working the drudge job they need to work to dig their way out, or the rat - hole apartment until they can afford something better, or long commutes by bus, or etc etc etc?

    Their reality is gonna suck for awhile. If they aren't ready to face it, nothing will make any difference.
     
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  6. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    What is the appeal of CO? My son was there living homeless and he returned to Fl. Now he is talking about going back to Co in the spring.

    It can't just be the legal pot. Everyone one around me smokes it illegally and they never have a problem finding it to buy illegally. A police officer told me it is actually cheaper most places to buy illegally than to buy in the legal states.
     
  7. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I read an article stating that it is more expensive legally, because of all the overhead costs--storefronts, taxes, insurance, liability, employee costs (unemployment, insurance, medical, etc.) overhead, and all the other costs of running a legitimate business. Sounds likely, but I wouldn't know for sure.

    I have read that most people who buy it legally are the tourists and that the local users (especially the younger people with less money) are back to buying it illegally becuse of the cost, but can't say for sure that it is the truth.

    My D C said that he would buy it legallly if he could, even at a higher cost, simply because he feels strongly that it should be legal and be shouldn't have to sneak around to get it. At this point, it is not legal in this state.

    Maybe it is the comraderie of like minded individuals that draws some of our D Cs to CO?
     
  8. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    BG,

    How could you save him, if you went to Colorado?

    Even he doesn't know what could be done.

    He has a lot of things available to him, and quite a few people and agencies trying to help him. I hope he will avail himself of that help and work on his issues. He is better off in the hands of professionals, with the greater resources that they can provide.
     
  9. Snow White

    Snow White Temporarily in the Magic Kingdom

    Blacknagt, I feel for you and and I certainly feel your pain right this very minute. Part of me wants to rescue daughter from her stupidity in Thailand. She's likely going to be deported. Her con game has been discovered - people are angry and hurt. Several people put their professional names on the line for her and she abused every one of them. She's been lying about everything. I feel like I don't know her at all - yet I love her so much. But love can't and won't save her from herself.

    Stay strong. Hopefully, one day he will 'get it' and move forward. Until then....
     
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  10. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    BG, I understand the desire to save him. If I could make my so magically be responsible and sober I would do anything. But neither of us can. As others have said, you must remember his violence toward you. If he is ready to clean up, he will enter a program and do what's necessary. I'm so sorry you are hurting.
     
  11. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi BG. hugs to your today. It's just so hard when they continue to beg, believing no means maybe, over and over. It takes such a long time for them to quit asking but in my case it took such a long time for us to quit enabling.
    Alleviating reality-their specialty. Most of our Difficult Child's want what they want when they want it. Frozen, as if two years old. Our son actually used to say "you don't understand, I do what I want, when I want". I use this often to remind myself that he's choosing this. He simply does not want to live in any other fashion enough, to give up substances.

    Do remember this at such a difficult time. I keep a picture on my phone of Difficult Child's baggies, cut straw, etc. found in his room after last move out. It keeps me honest about how bad things had gotten. It's too easy as a mom to say maybe I over-reacted, maybe just one more try, maybe he's changed...I now believe that I'll know it if he wants it-there will be evidence of change not just talk.
    In the meantime, be good to yourself. Sounds like your son has had resources aplenty, he will take advantage of that assist or not. It is so not in our hands. Prayers.
     
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  12. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Thanks for all the support and replies and apologies for being so late with this. I was kind of waiting to see what would unfold, because you know if you wait 5 minutes sometimes, it's a whole other story.

    Or not. Difficult Child went to detox, they let him stay there until Monday, VERY kindly and compassionately, so that he wouldn't go out and get drunk/high before his second interview for the housing . He did that, said it was really just a repeat of the first one. If they DO let him have it, and he seems to be first on the list, he'll have to wait weeks or maybe months before it's vacant. So ...

    Tonight I get a call asking for money-I have completely backslid and sending him something every couple of weeks or so (I think it's to shut him up and to allow myself to live with the guilt ) WHY am I in therapy, when all I do is repeat my mistakes of the past? When I DO refuse, I feel so much better after the call is over. I was getting so good at this. I wonder if it's because I am semi-retired and am actually spending money on ME and feel that I shouldn't be happy if he isn't-because I am still in that mode, after all these years, that his emotions color MINE. UGH.

    I'm really so sick of it. But apparently not sick enough. WHY do I allow this to happen to me?

    So, my ex, Difficult Child's dad, is currently in Oregon, selling his mother's house-she just moved into a retirement home in another state. Ex offered to let Difficult Child stay with him for a while in Vegas, where he lives. Difficult Child says he needs us to step in and help him. We both know living with me isn't an option. Both ex and I know that Difficult Child will screw up any situation he's in. But it's still compassionate of ex to say, "Yes, you can stay for a while-avoid the Colorado winter, but you have to DO something. " If it happens, it'll only be a matter of time before he starts using, etc. and Vegas is just about the worst place for someone like Difficult Child. Or maybe it's the best? It's where people go to do their worst and water seeks its own level. I feel that ANYWHERE Difficult Child goes, he'll just gravitate towards the addicts, etc.

    Anyhoo, I'm saying this because Difficult Child just said to me, "Yeah, Dad said he'd let me stay with him in Vegas, but he's in Oregon until he sells Grandma's house. So instead of saving his son's life, he'd rather do something for his mother, who could probably do it herself". Grandma will be 94 in a couple of months...

    So, that's how he sees it. I said "You have to save your OWN life" and he replies, "Well, we both know that's not going to happen. I don't feel like discussing this in front of a supermarket register (they have free phones or something in the market he goes to) so can you just give me the Western Union number for the money?"

    I said, "You're right, this is neither the time nor the place". and gave him the number for the money. But it'll never be the right time or place because there is NO answer, NO solution and I hate myself right now for being so spineless. It's NOT helping him. I DON'T want to do it. My whole history on this forum has been bouncing back and forth between weakness and strength, desperation and hope, confusion and clarity and I can tell I'm not even putting in the effort any more. Like the abused victim that I am, I'm just getting smaller and smaller and dishing money out in the hope that it'll all go away.
     
  13. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Truly, if anyone one of us could pay for 'it' to go away, we would work three jobs.

    But we have all thrown money at the 'problem', to fix a human being that has free will for good or bad.

    I truly don't know your whole story, sordid details....but I hear your frustration with yourself. Certainly the fact you can verbally lay down your feelings...you don't engage...seems you have made progress.

    We all beat ourselves up...and there are days that I can't take me anymore!!!

    Take heart for you...hugs
     
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  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Wow. The more I read here, the more shocked I am at how selfish most of our difficult kids are. That is like my son. Me.me, me.

    Lack of compassion for 94 year old probably loving grandmother and generous father reminds me so much of mine. The world revolves around them but they won't have a care for those who do everything for them.

    Blackgnat, it has taken me this long to get so sick of my son's constant victim mentality, abuse and cussing me out that I finally refuse to talk to him every time he slips up. I let him do it. "YOU ***** BIOTCH, YOU'RE SO STUPID" he would tell me all the time. We don't want to admit what they are and who they are. We don't want to let them down, even though they won't seek to change. Even when they break our hearts over and over.

    You are not alone here. We are all here either having accepted our adult kids are not the norm or praying they turn it around. No judgment from this group.

    Hugs for this newest chaos.
     
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  15. jetsam

    jetsam Active Member

    hi black gnat, I hear you and I feel you! Been where you are so many times. Verbal abuse, emotional abuse, thankfully no physical abuse (up till now anyway) broken doors, holes punched in walls etc etc.. the list goes on as we well know. I too do the cha cha.. you know ,that dance we do with ourselves between staying strong and saying no to their wants, and then giving in to just make it go away! two steps forward one step back..cha cha. Remember that we are all here for the same reason . We all go down into that abyss from time to time. we just have to keep climbing back out. And we can't make them change no matter how much we want them to!! So I'm sending you a hug and hoping tomorrow is a brighter day for you. do something for you. Find ways to distract yourself. Remember the serenity prayer.
     
  16. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    Blackgnat, I so identify with what you say. I've given money, money and more money. Always hoping for a change, some sliver of hope. I've even thought about leaving my husband of 20 years, who loves me dearly, and taking care of her and granddaughters. In other words, giving up a life I enjoy for her. That's how crazy I can get. I feel so sorry for her because ii know something iis wrong. Can she help it? Is it beyond her control? I just don't understand. If she's iill, should I not have compassion for her?
     
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Even people who are sick can be kind. Unless they are psycotic, the person still understands what will hurt somebody else. I have battled mental illness all my life. It is not an excuse to be horrible to loved ones.

    You can certainly have compassion for a mentally ill loved one, but you still don't need to be abused. in fact none of us help out adult children by excusing mean, unacceptable behavior because of a mental illness. its not good for the ill person to lash out meanly with no consequences and its terrible for us to make excuses and to put up with it. Being mean is not a symptom of depression, anxiety, or bipolar. Sadly, meanness does seem to go along more with cluster B personality disorders....antisocial PD, narcissism and borderline. but its very dangerous to allow somebody with a cluster B personality disorder to get verbally aggressive as they can turn physically violent...
     
    Last edited: Nov 2, 2016
  18. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    If you had any doubt or guilt about not helping him, he just told you he is nowhere near ready to change. Would it help you to stop the money train if you thought of every dollar you send him, as another nail in his coffin? Every time you tell him NO you are actually helping him.
     
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  19. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Don't be so hard on yourself. We've all done that BG. And it's hard - SO HARD - to say, "Take care of it yourself. I won't help you." It makes you feel as though YOU are somehow to blame...that if he freezes to death, etc., YOU will be the reason. Logically, that's not going to happen...but in the moment, it seems impossible to say anything but yes. As I've been told many times, you have to do what will allow you to sleep at night.
     
  20. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Blackgnat: Can you possibly turn it all off for a while and take a break?

    Let him spend some time with his dad as they plan.

    He is only bringing you down and it isn't helping him.

    I had no contact with my son for a month. It was so good for me. He did talk to his father only. I really needed to do that for me so I could get stronger and work on my detachment. Son reached out to me after some time. He FELT me being gone from his life. I will not engage with him if he is using drugs. Period. I don't want that in my life and if that is what he is doing then I don't want him in my life either. I really mean that from the bottom of my toes to the tip of my head.

    I am very cautious with my dealings with him. I try to stay neutral. Not high or not low. It will be a very long time - if ever - before I get to that dark place again. My therapist is helping me to see that I can love him unconditionally but our relationship has many conditions.

    Don't let your son's problems define YOU!
     
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