I feel I'm losing it because I think I should move to Colorado and save him.


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I too am detaching. I can feel it happening. God knows me well enough to know that, in order for me to stop, he had to take her to another state and her not speak to me to end the enabling. It's nice to take a deep breath and know that all is as it needs to be. When and if this situation ends, I too will be very cautious in my dealings with her. I want my life to be peaceful and happy and the only way is to let her go. Now for some fun!!!!!!


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Call from hospital. He seems to just be making the rounds, getting released and going out and drinking to oblivion.

His ex girlfriend's ma, a fantastic human being, texted me to say that he'd called her before he went to hospital and that he'd tried to hang himself with his coat, but it wouldn't carry his weight.

I know that I'm always on here with the same stories, but it's hard to know how much to detach when there's a chance that he'll succeed with these half arsed suicide attempts and that will be the end of it. Except it'll never leave and it'll be the beginning of a whole new chapter of sorrow. I just won't see him again and I'll NEVER feel that I did enough to prevent it.

And these cries for help don't seem to be getting him to where he wants to be. Not that I really know where that is anyway. I don't even think HE knows.

Just venting.


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Oh BG I'm so sorry. I wish I could do more than say I'm sorry...but I don't know what it would be. Please know that we're all here for you. :group-hug:

so ready to live

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Hugs BG.
Truly, if anyone one of us could pay for 'it' to go away, we would work three jobs.
Many of us are working hard now to just pay off our attempts to "make it go away" a lifetime ago. Ugh.

So sorry about the hospital call, what a mess. Keep reminding yourself that it is HIS mess. I know I look at things with honesty and mostly rational eyes, this is miles away from how my son sees the world and reacts. Then, secondly is, what is true? Who knows when dealing with substances. Lies and manipulation are the norm. So many times I've struggled to deal with the "have I done enough?" I finally have come to the conclusion that I've done more than enough because I've done all I can. As you have. On this forum, someone's postscript says that as parents we reach our own rock bottom (attributed to SWOT-thanks!) Rock bottom for me was somewhat freeing-the only place to go was up.

I know that I'm always on here with the same stories, but it's hard
We, of all people know how hard. Keep posting, putting your feelings, thoughts and pain on "paper" is clarifying. Here's hoping you get a bit of peace today. Prayers.


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Fine to vent.

Scary thing is that if somebody wants to really kill themselves we can't stop it. Even if you were sitting in the same room with him, he could bolt, run in the street and stand in front of a car. You have done everything and more to give your son chances to get every kind of help. What have you not done? You could never look back and think you haven't done enough. There is no path you haven't tried.
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He is more likely to overdose than to commit suicide. The mother trying to guilt you is a huge problem and part of the manipulation.

What he wants is to be able to continue doing drugs and have someone fund it. He does not like the aftermath of his binges so then he wants rehab to get over the worst of it. When he feels better, he believes he can start using again and manage it better. He can't. The cycle starts over. HE is the only person who can stop the cycle.

Worry has never in the history of mankind changed the outcome of anything. It can be physically, emotionally, and spiritually damaging to ONLY us.


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I'm sorry, BG. Those calls just open things up again. I am sorry that he had to share such horrifying information. My son used to make the same types of calls, oddly enough also with HIS ex-girlfriend's mother.

I am sure ex-girlfriend's mother passed it along because she felt it wasn't her call to not share such news with you, but surely he knew that a coat wouldn't be "successful;" it sounds more like an attempt at attention.

I do hear what you say. Such threats leave us contemplating the forever of not knowing if we did enough. But we did, BG. We did more than enough. We just lose sight of that when the threats make us stare into the void.

I'm sorry he is out there. Maybe this is the part of the story where he realizes he's trapped in an endless and pointless cycle and he has the power to make it stop so he can start living a happier life.


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BGnat, to be honest, everyone here did more than enough. But as frustrating as it is, and as heartbreaking, you can lead a horse to eayet but...our kids are SOME stubborn horses. It is puzzling to us all.

Snow White

On the Mad Tea Party Ride
Oh, how our storylines are so similar. The ups and downs we go through are more frequent than an afternoon at the park on a see-saw.

I am sure ex-girlfriend's mother passed it along because she felt it wasn't her call to not share such news with you, but surely he knew that a coat wouldn't be "successful;" it sounds more like an attempt at attention.
It always seems to add extra guilt and obligation when our children get others to do their messaging for them. I'm realizing that I have to care less about what others think of me. They have yet to walk 100 steps in my shoes.

I hope you will continue to find the courage to stay strong and help yourself. Keep posting. It sure helps in 'weak' moments!



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Thanks for all replies-they all help enormously, especially to gain perspective.

So, after what seems like hundreds of calls, he has been shoehorned into a 28 day program, so he can be stabilised on his medications, and then a 6 month program with the salvation Army. All of us who work behind the scenes are elated! Him? Not so much...

He calls us all multiple times a day, saying he's not sure he can do it, would rather be "effed up" out on the streets, doesn't like all the rules, knows he's not going to be successful at it. Comes up with all sorts of admin glitches-to get a free bed, he needs papers from the shelter and they neither fax nor email them-he has to go back to Boulder to get them and, "Ma, you know that going back there is risky for me, right?". He doesn't get the value and effort of what has gone on behind the scenes to get him in this program, nor does he think, apparently, that having warmth, shelter, food, medical supervision etc is more valuable than being high/drunk and freezing his buns off in the Colorado winter.

THAT is where his priorities lie. So, it's abundantly clear that there's NOTHING more to be done, if he chooses to "dip out" of there.


Sigh...well he basically foretold his future for himself. He doesn't want to man up to the issues..which he has control over.

Well...I would suggest he get a warm coat if that's his goal.

You have done all you can do...I don't believe you are going to swoop in and save him...because you know that would be a disaster for you.

Take care of you..he has an opportunity for better, but he has to do it. Perhaps not speaking to him for a while might help.

Blessings for your heart..hugs


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I also send prayers

Gnat, he doesn't want help to get well, a warm bed, sanity or a leg up. He is a victim mentality who is more interested in getting you to send money for drugs rather than eating, a warm bed or changing. His answer "too many rules (which mean no drugs or being high) just told you what his real concerns are, and they are not yours.

You can spend all your money and time and love trying to help him. Many do.
Until the day comes when HE wants to do it, it won't happen. That's why Al Anon urges us to detach, which sounds cold at first. But not detaching doesn't help them and it can kill us with stress.

When he hopefully changes you will know. It's hard to explain, but he will become a new person, hiding from his drug crowd, suddenly the person we remembered from long ago. The drama will end. Suddenly they love and appreciate us. And usually we are not the ones to get them to quit...it comes from the most important place of all, their hearts. Not ours. Theirs. Often the quitting surprises us as they do it without telling us until afterwards. I think this is in case they fail.

I am so sorry for the pain in your heart. Please go on with your life and if you pray, pray for him and if you have a higher power, give your son to Him/Her. This is not within your loving Mother control. Try to let it go and live your life. Hugs!!!
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SO, since he called me from Boulder (from a friend's phone, which doesn't bode well) on Saturday night, I haven't heard from him.

I think the story about needing to go to the Boulder shelter in person, to get papers to prove that he'd been there (apparently , they could neither fax not email them to the program in Denver) was a load of bs. He expressed multiple times, earlier in the day , that he didn't think he could do it. He later told the detox place that yes, he'd commit to 28 days in detox, to get him stabilised on his medications, then he committed to the 6 month rehab progam.

So we all breathed a sigh of relief-A CHANCE TO BE SAVED! CLEAN! WARM! DRY!

But he was so negative about it and was calling us to get "permission" to leave. Which none of us gave. He got mean, saying that I never listen to him, that I am not there for him, that talking to me makes him feel depressed (works BOTH ways, mate!) etc.

Next thing, he HAS to go to Boulder for the papers, so he wants to discharge himself, but will return to detox the next day and begin his 28 days of medication stabilisation.

But I haven't heard from him and I'm pretty certain (please prove me wrong, Fates, God, Universe, anyone) that he won't be going to these programs that at least 5 adults have scrambled to get him in, bent the rules a bit, made exceptions for him, etc.

I'm thinking he'd still in Boulder, just doing what he always does. I think this MUST be the last of his nine lives.

so ready to live

Well-Known Member
BG-so sorry. Our minds go a million different ways when the phone calls stop coming. Such a paradox, that at times, the phone calls are what start our minds reeling. NO WIN.
When I want to know but don't....I remember what Leafy said about choosing to believe that our Difficult Child's "are out there finding their way" and I hang on this. That they need the independence of figuring it out themselves and we need to respect them enough to let them struggle through it.
Do we know detox is better for them? Of course.
Do we also know that this may not end well? A fact I face everyday.
Hugs to you today to hold tight. We will both keep straining at the oars together. Prayers.

so ready to live

Well-Known Member
Hi BG.
I don't know how I'm going to deal with that.
The good thing is you don't have to deal with it now. I've thought in the past that this was a "head in the sand" technique. it seemed to me to be dodging thoughts of the inevitable. But the fact is, what I have thought many times was inevitable, never happened.
So--did I do anyone any good by thinking about it? Getting out of myself, helping others that really need or want assistance takes my mind off the worry. Even for a moment, that is relief. I'm always shocked when I think of our son and suddenly realize I haven't thought of him in an hour. Try to keep yourself busy and engaged in anything else. Every time you succeed for a few more minutes "not going there" you train your yourself to live. To live YOUR life. Keep your chin up-we are here. Prayers.