We need to move on in spite of our kids and win (long)

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by BusynMember, May 19, 2019.

  1. BusynMember

    BusynMember Member

    Whether our kids live in the streets, use drugs, cut us out of their lives (somewhat or completely), even if they keep our grandchildren from us, we cant let them win by lying down and giving up. We just cant. If you are already thinking "I cant" please read on.

    it's not really a game to win or lose, yet it can be. Many grown kids emotionally blackmail us, abuse or get rid of us hoping to hurt us, or at the very least knowing it WILL hurt us. And they dont care. The game becomes "Do We Let Them Destroy Us?" Its s hard game

    Even as we grieve or fear for them, in my opinion we should do all we can to stop thinking about them. If they pop into our heads, let the thought bubble pass and move on to another nicer thought or practice the art of no thought at all.

    Win by living a life apart from them. After spending wasted time in fetal position, I pulled together and am using this time hereafter to heal myself. It means I will stop expectations of others, do what is stress free and easy for me and relax, rebuilding my broken relationship with my husband. I am taking two weeks off of work to focus on my mental health. That has already been approved. Kay will not break me. She wont!

    Here is a very sad detail I didn't; disclose earlier.

    Ten years ago I lost a child in a car crash. It made the news, it was such a bad crash and it involved four cars. I rarely discuss this ever but I am now. I don't want to go into many details partly because I want to protect my identity completely on this open forum. But my precious son was a teenager and the man who caused the accident had been drunk. For years I grieved and asked God why and even spent a month in a mental hospital. I was angry that the drunken man got what I considered a light sentence. I was so lost. So lost.

    I am a pro now at loss. I let my son's death destroy me knowing full well that he would not have wanted me to mourn him for years. Sometimes when I was tossing and turning, trying to sleep, I swear I heard his voice telling me to please go on and that he was happy, so go on. My husband felt and heard him too. It was weird but of course we thought we just imagined it. Yet to both of us, it seemed eerily real. Now both of us do think it was really him.

    I am not the same person I used to be. I will grieve for Kay, but Jadan more. However Kay never let me really be close to Jaden so its not as if we were very close. I know I can do this. It starts tomorrow. I go to a quilting club that I normally cant do because of work. So this is a treat.

    I know Kay well. She wishes I would stay home and cry over her. That is who she is. But I wont. I'm not playing the game her way. I shouldn't have stayed in bed for so long after Ethan died either. It didn't bring him back. Suffering doesn't change anything for the better. Please don't do it.

    For those of you poor moms who worry that your loved one will die from drugs or homelessness, please don't. Its not worth it. If it is meant to be, it will be whether your child is an addict or not.

    Ethan was a sweet, quiet rule followerer who did not drink or even try pot. He was a straight A student. But now he is dead. There are no guarantees. God tests us in many ways. We can't guess those tests. We need not try. We will find out.

    My husband and I set Kay free by going to our favorite lake and letting go of a helium balloon. Did that do the trick? No. Today I spent all day crying after she wrote her "You are not my mother" text. But that was my one day to indulge in grief. Ethan wouldn't want me to grieve over Kay's selfishness. My other kids don't. My husband is shaken up and wants to help me through this. He is willing to go to marriage counseling to talk about his one time infidelity with me and I am grateful and will give us a chance.

    in my opinion we ALL need to win life. That means taking care of ourselves and getting out of fetal position over kids we love who really don't love us the normal way and who see us age but still deliberately make our lives harder. They are basically bright kids. They know what they are doing to us and they don't give a hoot.

    Let's all let go of our helium balloons (difficult adult) and enjoy our lives in spite of our kids who may never wish us well. Under no conditions should we not win the game!

    Choose to live.

    Note...None of the names I use are real names.
     
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  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    So sorry to hear about the tragic loss of your son but equally glad you have taken control of your life.

    Life has many ups and downs and some of us have more than our share.

    But we have to go on and try to be happy in spite of it all. I do.
     
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  3. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

     
  4. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I’m so very sorry to read of the tragic loss of your dear son. I have a friend who lost her daughter to a drunk driver. Her daughter was also a straight A student and very sweet. It was hideous. I don’t know if it’s for you, but she did get some comfort volunteering for MADD.

    But to have the added burden of Kay has got to be profoundly painful.

    You are so strong and wise to know that you need to have your moments of grief, but as best as you can move forward and seek the peace , joy and happiness you richly deserve. Yes, chose to live and live happily despite these painful difficulties in the background.
     
  5. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    I'm iffy on my beliefs about the supernatural and visiting spirits, but a few years ago when one of my best friends lost her battle with cancer, I had a dream where she came and sat on the side of my bed, held my hand, told me she was doing great, etc., and she looked better than I had seen her look in years. I told her daughter about the dream and she said that another good friend of hers 1000 miles from that I never met had had virtually the exact same dream...on the very same night! That really got me thinking. So now I don't doubt at all that your son actually did communicate with you and your husband. That's such a wonderful part of an otherwise heartbreaking story.
     
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