I hate Borderline (BPD)

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by flutterby, Sep 30, 2009.

  1. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Nothing I do is ever good enough. In fact, I'm still a horrible mother. Just ask difficult child.

    And she can prove it cause she writes it down. She has pages, she says. Well, she also wrote 2 pages on when Nana told her not to pet her dog (yorkie) because he is mouthy and difficult child was yelling at him.

    I go out of my way, knowing her sensitivity, to phrase things just so; I give her extra compliments, I make sure she hears me talking good things about her to others, tons of praise. But, I'm a horrible mother and she's so unhappy here.

    I told her that horrible is growing up with a father who you watched beat your brother, who was always drunk or high, and who told you that you were a B and would never amount to anything, and that no one would ever put up with you.

    Then she said that even the therapist said that I don't take hearing bad things about me very well. Now, I have to talk to the therapist to make sure that difficult child heard that right and didn't skew it into her own version like she does. But, yeah, when all I hear from difficult child is how horrible I am I don't take it very well. Because there is nothing I can do that is right or good enough. The constant criticism has worn me down. And if therapist said anything remotely like that - knowing how difficult child twists things - she and I are going to have issues.

    But she walks around the house treating everyone like dirt. Yelling at people, stomping, slamming, and then expecting us to help her with whatever she needs help with. But, that's ok because she's just responding to her feelings being hurt. Doesn't matter that she stomps all over everyone elses feelings.

    She talks horrible about Nana, but has no qualms calling her up and asking her to buy something for her. I told her last night that it stops because that is just using her.

    I'm a horrible mother because I won't help her clean her room. Her room is disgusting and it stinks. But I will *not* help her clean it. She's old enough to do it; she just doesn't want to. Her garbage can filled up and rather than emptying it, she just started throwing garbage on her floor - all of the tissues to remove makeup, q-tips, food wrappers. And a slew of dirty dishes.

    I'm a horrible mother because I refused to help her with her homework when 1) she doesn't even try it on her own and 2) she had spent the day yelling at me - originally because I reminded her to take her antibiotics and 3) I couldn't have helped even if I wanted to cause I had been on pain medications all day. Cause I'm horrible and want her to get better instead of staying sick and getting worse.

    I'm a horrible mother because she can't sleep and I don't care. Took her to the doctor who rx'd amitrityline for sleep, but I'll be damned if she'll take it. She never even tried it and still flat out refuses. She even refused vitamins because she thought I just wanted her to take them because she cut out meat and she's done all the research you know, and she's getting everything she needs with what she eats. Cut off her nose to spit her face.

    Of course, that doesn't matter. If I'm sick, or in pain, or the fatigue has hit - it's just an inconvenience for her. No empathy at all.

    And, apparently, I never listen to her at all and I don't care how she feels. EVERYTHING is about how SHE feels. We have these marathon discussions and I listen and it's all about how SHE feels and if I hold the mirror up and show her how she is doing exactly what she is accusing me of to others, then I'm just turning it all around on her.

    I'm so sick of it.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I came to the point with Nichole that I had to simply not care about her feelings for the most part. I'd had enough of her at that point that I wasn't walking on those d*mn eggshells anymore.

    I began to treat her like I would any other person who treated me poorly. It was not pretty for a long time around here. Cuz I wasn't supposed to have feelings ya know.......just her........ Yeah. I think what I hated most was one second she'd be treating me like so much dirt.....the next she'd be asking me to do something. Uh, no dear. You want me to do for you, you treat me with respect. Don't have to like me or even love me......but you do have to treat me with respect. Sure you have a right to how you feel about things, but that doesn't mean I want or have to listen to it.

    That last bit got thru to her like nothing else did, especially when the rest of the family jumped on board.

    OMG it's sooooo nice she no longer does that. But at difficult child's age and the Borderline (BPD)........*shudder* you just can't win, so I stopped trying. It wasn't my job to be her friend. My hope was that someday down the road I would be.

    Nichole and I had a few nasty run ins at that time. Me telling her exactly like it was, her not wanting to hear it..........Soooooo glad that's behind us.

  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member


    Though Miss KT was not diagnosis'd Borderline (BPD), your post sounds very, very familiar. We still have moments (or days) when the behavior resurfaces. Add in the fact that Miss KT HATES Hubby, and...well, you get the idea.

    I wish I had a magic answer, but I've been doing pretty much what Lisa did. And there are times when I'm still horrible.

    Did I say hugs? Well, a few more won't hurt.
  4. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I understand your feelings, all too well. It's not easy being the "bad guy" all the time. Nothing is ever good enough. Do ten nice things for your difficult child, but say no to another, and that's the one they harp on, forever. "You never [insert the thing they are angry about at that particular moment] for me/with me." Me, me, me. Yup. We don't exist, you see, except to serve THEM :) Never.. pfft I hear that darn word ALL the time with respect to things I "never" do for my Youngest. It wears you down, I know.

    I don't have good answers except to say, just keep practicing detachment. Journal, vent. Practice self-affirmation .. you ARE a good mom, you have countless people who will back you up on that.. even if your difficult child won't/can't. Keep in touch with those postiive people. Go out and have a glass of wine with them somewhere away from your difficult child. Do something for yourself. Practice some pat answers for your difficult child when the "you nevers" come up. One of my favorites is one someone here shared awhile back, and that is, "wow, if I messed up uyour life so badly, it's a good thing you're in therapy!" Oooh Youngest hates that one ;-)
  5. bramblewoodbabydoll

    bramblewoodbabydoll Ambiguous Witch

    Oh Heather, please hear me when I say that I feel you 100%. I am always wrong too and its never enough. Last night I told my fiance that I just wanted Sprite to go live some place else- any place else. I didnt care anymore. Since therapy we have started going all out of our way to 'baby' her since she is so devolved that at any given time in our house her temperment is the deciding factor for everyone elses good or bad time.
    I felt sorry for her because I experienced much of what she is going through when I was 13+ years old. I remember the constant pain and anguish over all I wanted that could not immediately be. I remember the constant troubleing guilt over ruining everyone elses life but the uncontrollable urge to set everyone off anyway.
    However, it simply isnt fair that when she has an advocate such as myself who is desparately trying to mend her hole and sew her heart back together pricking my fingers the whole time on the thorns that seem to grow right out of her flesh and she still has the nerve to complain to me of all people, to tell me that I dont help her at all and I dont care!!!!!!!
    How dare she! I have loved her no matter what and all I get are the same 2 looks... the depressed 'drop' face (thats what my son calls it) or the angry furrowed eyes shooting an icey glare strait through tho my soul....
    And then whe she finally triggers me and Im on the verge of a mixed state myself and have to go outside she skips out there and says... 'I think I should tell you Im sorry'
    I use to be happy when she at least apologized but her game is so transparent now that it angers me more...
    Sigh, my heart goes out to yours.
    It hurts everytime and everytime it does not hurt it enrages me. What drives such cruelty? It can only be misery. Im sure I sound like Im babbling now but we had such a rough night last night.
    Your not alone, quite obviously, it seems that at least here on this forum we are all in good company :)
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry. Do whatever it takes to get through this. Is there anything we can do to help, other than listen and send hugs?

    Many hugs to you!
  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    Heather, everything YOU do is wrong because deep down she KNOWS you care. And she cares very deeply too, for you.

    It wouldn't upset her so much.

    FWIW - I ignore the kids' rooms too, till they start creeping into the hallway.
  8. bramblewoodbabydoll

    bramblewoodbabydoll Ambiguous Witch

    I agree with Stepto2... They target us (moms) and treat us rougher because we are the ones they most care for and the ones they realize most care for them.
    Perhaps our difficult children know that we will always forgive them and so we are the ones they fling all their bad energy at - that ball of hot lava inside them has to go somewhere ya know. Maybe they figure better us who will understand and get over it then some other innocent bystander. They are doing what we are teaching them to do in a strange way... In public people always say Sprite is smart, mature (ROFLMAO), kind and empathetic. Let her hit the front door and what emerges is the exact opposite. Still, she has her moments.
  9. Iamwipedouttoo

    Iamwipedouttoo New Member

    I am still waiting on a diagnosis for our daughter who is 17 but many of of what everyone says describe her and how I feel most days lately. :sick:
  10. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Thank you, ladies, for listening and for you compassion. :flower:

    Most days I can deal with it; I understand that she is ill and she is getting treatment. But, some days I just want her out of the house. I feel like I can't take one more thing from her. And I just need to vent.

    I think part of it is because she is getting better and you get used to the relative calm and then wham-o. It's like a little PTSD reaction. The verbal abuse wears me down. And my home is my sanctuary. I was never safe in my home and I will not live like that again. She's not violent, but...I don't know how to explain it.

    I couldn't come back to this post yesterday without getting upset again.

    I have an appointment with her therapist on Monday and easy child is going with me. therapist needs to see how this effects the entire family.
  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Many hugs. It's this way with my difficult child; according to him I never do anything for him or buy him anything and I certainly don't care about him. Doesn't matter what I do for him or if I choose not to what the reason is, it's always my fault. Like you said some days it is easier to deal with than others.
  12. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I call it verbal aggression, even if it is not physical you can certainly feel verbally attacked.

    I know that with husband and difficult child, and even easy child occassionally, it is like chinese water torture. It is so repetitive that eventually you just cannot take anymore. Hope the visit with her therapist is helpful, and I am impressed that she is still going to see psychiatrist.
  13. ML

    ML Guest

    Adding my love and hugs to the collective support stream here.

    No one could handle that verbal abuse without crumbling under the pressure. I think DaisyL's approach is the one you'll eventually have to adopt.
  14. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I get it Heather. Our difficult child's are twins. I am so so sorry.