I have heard he is homeless!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by peg2, Sep 7, 2010.

  1. peg2

    peg2 Member

    I have heard from my son that my difficult child is homeless, or so he says. I had to get the restraining order in Feb. He textes my older son and today said he is sick,thrwoing up and has no food and nowhere to go atnight; I believe previously he was staying with freinds. Still not working,etc. Court case for charge I filed is pending, ordered to get counseling,medications,etc. Says he has a doctor appointment. Thursday and if we don't help him get a place to stay he will tell the doctor he wants to kill himself so at least he will be admitted and have a place to stay. I offered to get him a motel room with money he has in an acct. from my mom and asked my oldest to facilitate, but my difficult child wants us to get the room and leave a key at the front desk. I will not have it in my name so my oldest would have to meet him and make sure he gets a room,etc. Trouble is, my oldest is reluctant to get too involved because of what happened to me and can not do it immediately due to work issues. I told him to have difficult child go to local welfare and they should have some vouchers for a motel room. Or go to the hospital. if he is physically sick, he is covered by my insurance. Wants to come home but I can't let him, nothing has changed, even said to my oldest this is all because I put him in a group home when he was 12; told my oldest he still!!!! does not get it and doesn't acknowledge it's his behavior that got him there.I don't want him sick or homeless but he needs to help himself, and a week at a motel is not going to help long term. I am sad for him and this is too hard!!!!
    I did start therapy,finally; at least that's a start for me.
    Thanks to all for listening.
  2. I think you are wise to not have hotel room in your name or your easy child's name.

    I'm guessing it's probably best not to have your easy child as intermediary for your difficult child.

    Hospital sounds like a great place for someone who is sick. Especially if he's covered by your insurance.
    But even if he's wasn't covered it's my understanding most hospitals are not able to turn pt's away if they are sick and unable to pay.

    Good news about homelessness at this time of year most places around the US.... weather is not too severe.

    It's hard to let our adult children fully own the consequences of their poor choices... cold hard reality has a way of encouraging better choices.

    Hang in there momma!!! I know how hard this is.
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I can literally feel the hurt in your Mommy heart. It's like (for me anyway) I become two different Moms [i think]. The one Mom that wants to be like not a Mom at all, but someone who doesn't know this kid at all, and then there is the Mom that IS me, that does know this kid or knows the kid that I want him to be. See that's the Mom that the other Mom want's to just kick butt up to her shoulders. Why? Because it's not him. Hardly ever. If it IS? It's the manipulative kid that CAN be nice for () much time to get something and then WHAM!!!!!!!!O!!! Back to the other kid. The one that is mean, selfish, righteous, know-it-all, if I had not given birth to him? I'd probably rent a pavement roller and run him over, kind of person - the kind that if he wasn't my son? I would NEVER IN A BAZILLION years allow someone to treat me like that again (post therapy thank you Dr. H. and 15 years of dragging myself 3x a week when I did.not.want.to.go.to.therapy) because there is no way on this EARTH today that I would allow someone to treat me again like my kid treated me - nooooooo maam. I'd twist his lips off, and consequences would have been so tough love - living in a cardboard box at the age of 8 would have been a way of life for his hiney. BEHIND A RAILROAD shack with hobos, eating out of a dumpster, wearing the same Salvation Army clothes for the 3rd week in a row......
    Or something mean Mothered like that -

    Ugh - yeah, I mean NOW? Yeah Now I could run a mission of kids like mine was. NOW? NOW I don't get sick to my stomach when he calls me with the "stories" of DREAD AND DOOM - and the odd thing is?? He KNOWS it doesn't get to me like it used to. I swear to you it will always tug at your heart. But after they make ENOUGH of their own decisions and YOU get enough therapy and detachment under YOUR belt? Eventually you are able to separate which Mom parents WHICH kid and it makes a WHOLE lot more sense to you who is making WHOSE decisions for WHOM. Then it's like you have a lightbulb moment for yourself - at first dim, then brighter and eventually you keep switching up for a higher wattage. Currently I believe I'm on about a 75 watter. (Trading that in for one of those curley que bulbs - you know energy effecient....conserve my own energy for ME kinda thing! ) ahem. When Dude was at home? I was about a nightlight watter......and burnt out at that.

    Hugs to you OH BEACON OF THE LIGHT HOUSE!!!!!!! BURN FOREVER MORE ON THE SHORES OF......(checking to see where you live) JOISEY! :laugh:
  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Oh, Peg, I feel for you. I am not one to offer advice here. The first time mine called crying and hungry I was off to rescue her. My heart aches for you. I hope he hits rock bottom soon and has the desire to straighten out his life. Sometimes being homeless is the only way they really see how good they have it at home. I hope he makes it to that doctor appointment. (hugs)
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Peg, it's hard..........especially when they're supposed to be sick on top of being homeless. Sick he can go to any county hospital for treatment, even without insurance. They will NOT turn him away.

    I don't know the history. But I do have a child who is homeless.....along with her 3 kids. See it can be worse. While K makes her choices......those 3 kids are innocent victims of those choices.

    Like Star said........after getting burned enough........it tugs at your heart, but not enough to matter anymore. That K is homeless with her kids tugs at my heart because at nearly 31 yrs old she's still making difficult child choices.......she currently says she wants to change. Great, wonderful, more power to ya......been praying for that all along. Hope it happens. And yeah that's about it.

    I have a post here about K being homeless. The most I've done is contact shelters and ask some questions. That's it.......phhht. No more. I haven't heard from her for more than a week. Whatever. I do worry about the grands....and it does hurt to think of them going through the hades they're going through.....but she's the parent and there isn't much I can do about that. So I just try to do little things I can do that make their lives a bit happier, a teeny bit easier.

    Took me a longish time to really get to this point. Fact is under 25 you're still prone to thinking of them as kids when in all honesty they aren't. And by the time they hit 31 and nothing has changed??? It's next to impossible to drum up empathy, even when they're sick, homeless and going hungry. I just hope for mine this is the last straw that causes her to change.........but I'm not counting on it. :p

  6. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    ((((hugs)))) for your Mommy heart....

    But now on to the "red flags" -

    This whole story line is suspicious. difficult child is **supposedly** homeless and deathly ill....and yet he refused your offer of a nice hotel room? He wants you to make a special arrangement to get him a hotel room where he can stay anonymously??? Why???

    And then mentions suicide - that's emotional blackmail at its best.

    Sounds like he's trying to play you. I think you did well to give him a few ideas and offer the hotel room....if he's refusing that, then something else is up.

    Stay strong!
  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    We put our son in a cheap hotel room for one night, and we had to have it in our name because they won't put you up without a credit card these days. We made it very clear to our son and to the hotel manager that we would not pay anything further than one night's stay, period, and to not let him stay more than that because we would contest it on the credit card. I don't know that you could just put him in a room without some sort of credit card, but maybe a day to day room.

    I think that if he feels the need to tell the therapist that he will kill himself just to get a room, then that is what he should say. He may very well be that depressed and he may need a hospitalization. If he is asking for it, maybe he will be able to realize that he can't go on as he has. It will get him into the system in so far as food, hotel vouchers, etc. It's a terrible place to be in, but I know that when our kids are so mixed up we all dread and hope for that "rock bottom" that will make them climb up. Maybe this is it.

    I'm so sorry for you and your family. I do know that this is just awful.
  8. peg2

    peg2 Member

    Thanks to all for your support. Yes, I do know he can go anywhere for neducal help, thats not my big concern. My other son thinks it is "suspiciuos" also, and he continues to ask for a motel room, my son is even reluctant to meet him somewhere,doesn't want him in his car,even!! I guess he learned from all of my years of abuse. Anyway, we told him to go to local welfare. but we have more drama. My mom is dying and is asking for him. My difficult child texted my middle son and asked him for a ride to visit g-mom and my son said yes, then he said he would walk! Mainipulation 101. Anyway, my oldest son(who difficult child textes all the time) put his foot down and said he won't even attempt to help until he goes to see his g-mom. I believe deep down he knows he must see her so we will see. I am upset, but I don't feel the need to give in and that makes me sad because I am sort of numb.
  9. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Sorry to hear your mom is so ill. I am glad you have started therapy. I had found going to therapy while my difficult child was in residential was such a help. The therapist would tell me how to respond to difficult child. He also taught me how to let difficult child handle things on his own more and how to let go. I never realized I was holding difficult child back. Your difficult child is testing you and trying to make you feel guilty. Stay strong and don't give in!