I hope you can help

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by TweetyD, Sep 7, 2017.

  1. TweetyD

    TweetyD New Member

    My BFF discovered that her adult daughter (48 years old) has stolen at least $10,000 and countless items that were stolen and either sold on the street or pawned. Stolen items even included diabetic test strips. The daughter stole entire packs of checks, forging her mom's signature, having the guts to go into the bank and cashing them! So, forty checks all in numerical order, written out to S****. All the while this was going on behind the mom's back, the daughter was always asking to "borrow" money for gas, food, etc. So, BFF was giving her daughter money all the while not knowing she was being "robbed" behind her back. The daughter has a "rap sheet" that includes using someone's identity in an attempt to obtain money and/or credit. At first my BFF was going to file a police report, as without it the pawn shop and bank cannot release records, now she's being talked into forgiving, forgetting, and move on. Drugs are involved, which is why I suspect other family members don't want the police involved.....at least one of them is known to "do grass" which is still illegal where we live. What advice can you give me to share with her? And, how can I support my BFF when I don't agree with ignoring the felony the daughter committed?
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    She is foolish to ignore this. Who is giving this advice? The daughter sounds like a psychopath, drugs or no drugs. Your BFF needs to make sure her 48 year old "child" (cough) is never ever in her home again. She needs to change bank accounts and credit cards and the locks on her doors. This is a dangerous mature woman who will keep stealing until nothing is left.
    Your friend can not be a young woman. She needs her money for retirement and to pass that money along in HER way. To her loved ones who deserve it.
    This daughter should never touch or see a copy of her will so that if BFF becomes incapacitated daughter cant change will to favor her.

    If you cant convince BFF to press charges and cut this "child" out of her life, except for brief visits in public places, than your BFF is okay with risking it all and being used and manipulated. Evil daughter who is near 50 is not going to change. You can not though control BFF.
    Its scary when a supposed loved one isnt at all loving, but is a danger to her own mother. I hope your frienD listens TO YOU.

    In the end, this is not your battle and she will call the shots. IM NOT SURE HOW TO SUPPORT BAD DECISIONS, BUT YOU CAN DETACH FROM THEM.

    Good luck!
     
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  3. TweetyD

    TweetyD New Member

    Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
    My BFF is in total denial. I tried to tell her at least a year ago to change the locks on their house as the daughter had a key and that they should install a security/camera system. They recently found out that the daughter was sneaking into their house when they were asleep upstairs, took the Tyme card, went to two ATMs, then snuck the card back before anyone knew she was even there. They didn't suspect anything, or didn't want to suspect anything, when S**** was caught standing in their dark kitchen after midnight. When S****'s step-dad asked why she was there...in the dark kitchen, she said she was in the neighborhood and had to go to the bathroom. Yet, now that he thinks back on it, she left without going to the bathroom. She "justified" her stealing by saying that her mom and step-dad "have a lot of money". Now they have a security system and new locks, so they listened to me on something. The advice of forgetting about everything is mainly coming from the son and brother of my BFF. Ironically, just a few months ago both of them referred to S**** as a "drug wh..re" who should be locked up and they didn't want anything to do with her. S**** knows exactly what to say to manipulate her mom. S**** knew her mom wouldn't have the backbone to file a police report. S**** knew she could/would get away with it. S**** also knew that my BFF wouldn't completely tell her husband everything, otherwise I know he would have already filed a report. My BFF was the "perfect victim" for her daughter. I've heard my friend crying over this many times. I'd be rich if I had a dollar for every time my BFF has said "she's my daughter". It's so difficult to have a friend asking what she should do. I suggested professional counseling, but know she won't admit to everything there either, and definitely won't listen if they suggest involving the police and/or drug rehab. Maybe I do need time away from all this drama.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You have done all you can. Its your friends issue.

    I agree she needs a professional to help her. Her daughter will steal everything and this son will be left with nothing but...nothing you can do.
     
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  5. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    She will end up stripped of everything, even her daughter won't be there for her.

    Urge her to get help and press charges.
     
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  6. StillStanding

    StillStanding Active Member

    I thought I would share a different perspective with you.

    My son has stolen from me in the past. I made a firm decision that I would not report him to the police. He does not have a record and I would not be involved in him getting one. I met with a lot of disagreement about this decision (including on this forum), but, I do not regret it and I am not resentful or angry about it anymore.

    My son is sick. And, my boundaries are real. I would not have contact with him if he were abusive in any way. He isn't.

    I most definitely have taken precautions to ensure he doesn't have access to my valuables anymore.

    Do I worry that he didn't face the consequences of his actions? No, my son faces painful consequences everyday.

    I have only 1 very dear friend that I share my family story with. How lucky that your friend has you.

    I know you want to protect her. My advice... just be there for her without judgement.

    Good luck to your friend and her troubled family.
     
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  7. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Is stealing from you not abusive? Or is your comment that you have boundaries now that he respects?
    Each situation is as unique a as a snoflake, and We all do what our hearts can bear, without judgment on this illness.

    I have had my son arrested. I too have no guilt for doing so. He was selling drugs from my home and putting us all in danger. This has also lead to the path of opportunity for long term rehab for him. Was it easy to do, not at all it was truly my Bottom. Unfortunately it wasn't his.
     
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  8. StillStanding

    StillStanding Active Member

    That's my point. I don't judge family members who choose to have their loved ones arrested. But, I do feel judged because I didn't.

    I don't judge parents who decide that they can no longer have relationships with their children. Yet, I sometimes have to justify why I still have one with my son.

    My boundaries didn't include theft and they still don't. I have protected myself by not giving him the ability to steal from me. I learned the hard way.

    All I'm saying is that TweetD is looking for advice for her friend. I wanted to share my perspective even if unpopular.
     
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  9. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    The hardest thing to do is detach with love and to me that is exactly what you are doing. No one has the right to judge you and remember what other people think of you is none of your business. Your son will know you love him and that you are there for him when he reaches for help.
    You are wise and loving and your son has that in his corner.
     
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  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    $10,000 isnt pawning a ring for drugs. I draw the line at getting into bank accounts. This is different from other stealing. She sounds psychopathic. Psychopaths have no consciences and can hurt others with no remorse or shame. I dont judge this woman...I just feel she is naive or being controlled by family members who dont care about her welfare. Her brother and sons blase attitude says it all. I feel badly for her.

    I dont think stealing is an illness. It is blatant disregard of the rights if others (psychopathic). But there are levels of stealing too.

    This daughter is likely to take every dime her mother has. Plus this daughter is 48, not 18 or even 28. She likely steals from others too. I would advise this woman to protect herself from this daughter. Sad to have to protect yourself from a 48 year old daughter who is still, at the very least, a shameless thief. 48. Yes, the age matters to me. She isnt going to change.

    In this case it is elder abuse.

    StillStanding, I dont know your story and cant judge you. I doubt your son is 48 or took large sums of money from your bank account. I do know this story and this poor women needs protection.

    The sad thing is, she probably wont do it and this daughter will not be there for her when she needs her the most. And nobody in her family is looking out for her.
     
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    Last edited: Sep 7, 2017
  11. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    TweetyD,

    Sometimes friends get stuck in a drama pattern. I had a friend (I am not exaggerating) who 8 years after her divorce was still complaining about "how G ruined her life." I was her dear friend through her divorce and after. I am still. But I had to distance myself from her when she got stuck. It's okay to tell her that you love her but you need a break from the drama.
     
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  12. TweetyD

    TweetyD New Member

    I want to thank all of you for your advice. S**** has even stole money from her own daughter, my BFF's granddaughter. S**** stole money and a gun from her dad. Attempted to use someone else's identity "to obtain money and/or credit", whose identity is unknown and for some unknown reason there is no outcome/conviction known. Several years ago, on a much lower scale, S**** did much the same thing. At that time my BFF told her "if I ever find out you are doing drugs, lying to me, stealing from me......that's it". But even after this, my BFF has not enforced any consequences. When all this was discovered my BFF just about had a break-down, her health is not the best, she had breast cancer four years ago. She was diagnosed just a few months after I was, so we have a very deep bond for many reasons. The total theft is not known as the pawn shop said it would take an order from the police to release the pawn records. Yesterday I was told that "there are some things as far back as 2013" that my BFF was not aware of. Just a few weeks before this erupted my BFF and S**** were at an ATM that was unfamiliar to by BFF so S**** "helped" her, actually made a big deal about turning her back so she wouldn't see the PIN being entered. S**** is a liar and a darn good actor, she knew the PIN as she had been stealing from ATMs using her mom's card for over a year. Lying, cheating, stealing is not something anyone should do, but when it's your own "child" I feel that is the worst betrayal of all.
     
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Psychopathic behavior. No conscience. Its too bad Mom is not protecting herself. This 48 year old mature woman is not going to change her stripes but there is really nothing you can do.
     
  14. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I have a sister exsclynloke this. She made my fathers last years of life brutally awful and even took money from his account the day he was dying.

    She is in danger. I am sorry and I feel for her imensly. Borderline (BPD), Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) have no remourse or conscience and are very manipulative.

    Please do what ever you can to help her gain procrecton from this daughter.
     
  15. TweetyD

    TweetyD New Member

    My BFF has an appointment. with a professional counselor on Monday........in the meantime she isn't supposed to see S**** without someone else also being there. For several weeks all contact had to go through S****'s step-father. I am going to relay this to her. She needs to do something soon. I agree she needs to be protected. They finally did get an alarm/camera system, but that was something I suggested a year ago.....If S**** was my daughter I would have called the police the moment the crime was discovered. Am hoping that S**** gets arrested for driving after revocation or another drug charge, then her butt would be in jail. My BFF says "oh well, then at least I'm not the one who put her there"........S**** needs to be locked up.
     
  16. TweetyD

    TweetyD New Member

    UPDATE: The counselor told my BFF that she should file charges. He told her that she cannot believe "anything S**** says". He also told her that after years of S**** being given an ultimatum which was never carried through S**** knew nothing would be done now. The counselor also said that, since the stealing and lying has been going on for years it is time for S**** to learn that there are consequences for her actions. But, so far no police report.......my BFF said that she promised S**** that she would "never make her go to jail", that she would feel guilty for doing that. I haven't ever heard of a "child" asking a parent to make such a promise, had it been me I'd have immediately suspected criminal behavior was going on otherwise there would have been no reason for a thought/promise like that. Both the counselor and myself have told her that S**** did this to her, that she didn't do it to S****. Today I find out if my BFF owes me a dinner out as S**** is supposed to move where she will have "a lot of rules", I don't think S**** will do so as S**** has proven that she doesn't do well with rules/laws. To me it's very important for my BFF to file a police report as S**** has made comments about wanting to do in-home care for elderly people.....OMG......S**** would be stealing from them, where would it stop?!
     
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    She should never be near vulnerable people. She would steal and who knows what else? But you have no say over this. Sounds like bff is never going to protect herself or society from dangerous daughter. You cant do anything about it.

    If it were me I would probably set a boundary about not talking to you about this daughter. You can not support her if you dont agree with her decision. It will frustrate you.

    You are a good friend. BFF will do what she wants to do and learn from it one way or the other. I suspect she may have to lose all her money first, but this is her choice.
     
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2017
  18. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Your friend is not "making her daughter go to jail". Her daughter is make choices that might lead to jail time. There is a difference.

    But you are just a friend...you can't make your friend do the right thing. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

    You have received good advice...you have given your friend good advice. I think if she starts talking about her daughter and possible criminal behavior, I would tell her not to discuss it further with you. That it upsets you to hear about things that you have no control over, but she does have control what happens in her own home or to her financial accounts.

    Ksm
     
  19. TweetyD

    TweetyD New Member

    I want to thank all of you for your advice and sharing your firsthand knowledge and experiences. I've shared this with my BFF, now it's up to her.
     
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  20. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    You could report her for elder abuse. That and telling your BFF your advice is about all you can do.