I need a few caring people to just listen...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ThreeShadows, Feb 16, 2010.

  1. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Just had a phone call from difficult child 2 about his wedding plans. He told me that the two interlopers who took him off the streets and into their home are indeed invited to the wedding . He said that I have a choice to make about MY behavior and that I can choose to skip the wedding all together if I have a problem with them being there. These two destructive women made it possible for drug using difficult child 2 and his out of control 16 y.o. girlfriend to live as man and wife under their roof. husband, difficult child's counselor and I had been working on getting our son into a program.

    This is not an ex husband, father to either the bride or groom, we're dealing with here. These are two women who have yelled at my husband over the phone about our parenting, one of them told me all about difficult child 2's sexual prowess with his then girlfriend, bragged that she bought them a bucket of KY jelly for Xmas, told me that I needed to prove my love for my son. When he joined the Army she e-mailed me asking how I would feel if he came home in a body bag. The sleazy list of their behavior could go on, it's a long one. These two do not accept adoption as a viable form of parenting and have insinuated themselves into the lives of both sons, they call themselves their "sisters".

    I know that holding a grudge could kill me but I'm in tears now. I've just been told to put up or shut up.

    How would you PE parents deal with this situation?
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is a really tough one. When is the wedding? How soon do you have to decide? I'm inclined to say take the high road and go, and do your best to ignore these people, but I do realize that is much easier said than done. I think the question you have to ask yourself is, which do you think you would regret more: going, or not going? If you go, it's one day you have to live through. If you don't, you may be wondering "what if" for a long time. Only you can decide which is the right choice, and which might be more painful for you. Do you have a counselor you can talk this over with?
  3. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    OK - I wasn't going to say anything because you said you just needed people to listen. But, you asked what we would do, so here goes.

    I'd go and be gracious and get the heck out of there as soon as was acceptable. It's only a moment in your life and it will reflect upon you for years. It's definitely a challenge and a test from him. I know you can meet and beat it in style.
  4. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Does any one have a clue WHY he feels he must test me?
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    He's a shirt? That's my guess. Maybe he'll grow out of it! But I wouldn't play into his hands by not showing or by being anything other than a gracious guest as defined by him at his wedding. You're classier than that.
  6. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Three, with all due respect, I find that asking "why" leads to nothing but headaches. I've learned not to attempt to understand my difficult child's reasoning, because it's never rational. Even if she tells me why, it never makes any sense to me, anyway. For your difficult child, maybe it's because he feels like it. Because it makes him feel powerful. Who knows. I honestly don't think the "why" matters much. What matters is, how you choose to respond.
  7. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Not a clue as to how to even guess at the 'why'. Wish I knew those types of answers a million times in my life. I never seem to find an answer, maybe one day lol.

    i think for me, I would go. Would I like sitting through this with these 2 thorns in my side right there as well and perhaps not behaving properly or speaking appropriately to me? Not a bit. but I know that I would not want to look back and know I missed my sons wedding. I also would worry about even MORE damage to my relationship with my son based on potential for him to hold a grudge for a long time if I didn't go. Especially if the reason I wasn't there, was these women. I'm sure he knows how you feel towards them. I am sorry he can't see the pain this has put you through. Unfortunatly, he obviously values them as a part of his life, and they are going to experience your kiddo's big day. I would hate to miss out personally and for a second think they got the memory of that day while I have a major life event of my kids that I'm not part of.

    Would it be simple or fun? Probably not so much. i would accept. i would tell difficult child (while biting my tongue) that i love him and want very much to attend the wedding. I would assure him that I would be appropriate and that i would be polite to them if I spoke to them, but i would also ensure difficult child did not have you all at the same table nor even too close together in your tables. A safety zone so to speak.

    Gosh it sucks when stuff like this crops up doesn't it??? Regardless of what we all might do though, follow YOUR gut and heart on this. Picture 5 years from now and if you wn't regret missing it, skip it. If you will regret it and feel you missed out, find a mental approach that allows you to sit in a room with these "women".
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Oh, 3S...I'm so sorry.

    I would go to the wedding, looking as beautiful as possible, be pleasant and polite while attending, and then go home and get drunk or eat ice cream, or something like that. Wasn't that you who quoted "Illegitimus non carborundum" or something like that?

    Big hugs from Central CA.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Renee...Im so very sorry he is hurting you this way!

    I noticed one thing that stood out to me in your post. You said he said they are going to be invited. That doesnt mean they have accepted. Maybe they are as irritated with you as you are with them and dont want to be there if you are there so they wont go if they know YOU will be there! So state you WILL be there first! Maybe there is a tad bit of hope there.

    On a slightly different thing. Something similar almost happened to me when Jamie almost got married the first time. Thats a mouthful isnt it? LOL.

    Jamie seems to have an addiction to getting married!

    He had this first girlfriend right before he was going into the Marines and she talked him into getting engaged. Bad move of course. Well, her parents tossed her out and I, of course, let her move in here. (Let the chorus of groans occur now!) She lived here with us for almost 9 months!

    The whole time Jamie was in boot, she was cheating on him. I finally caught her because she was using my cellphone, Billy's and my computer and going out all the time. Well when I came home from a weekend out (Mothers day of all days!) I found a saved file of her having oral sex with some guy on my computer! This was only 3 weeks before Jamie was due to get out of boot! Billy and I started scouring our phones and other computers to see what else we could find. She had called all kinds of places. Had herself signed up for dating websites, had personal pages...all kinds of things.

    We copied them and saved them.

    When Jamie got home we had to tell him. I couldnt let him marry her knowing what I knew. She tried to tell him I had faked it and was trying to set her up. I told him he knew me better than that.

    At the end, I told him that I would not go to his wedding and he would not be allowed to bring her to my house if he married her. I ended up changing my mind about going to the wedding but I kept my word about the fact that she would never step foot in my house if he married her. They would be on their own and I would just forget I had a son. I meant it.

    We got to the wedding chapel and he couldnt go through with the wedding. Even her father told him it was the right thing to do...lol. I was never so glad to put that boy in a car! We raced home, threw him, Cory and Tony in the car and sent them to upstate SC to visit relatives until his leave was up.

    I stayed home and waited for her to arrive so I could tell her to get her koi and never step foot in my yard again.
  10. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    I want to tell you ladies that I love you all for caring enough to respond to my post. I am the eldest left in my family and have no relative who can give me advice.

    Janet, I have felt for quite some time that your boys and mine must be close relatives. I had a photo on MY computer of difficult child 1's girlfriend (who also slept with difficult child 2) with her hand up her hoohaw. These young people have no boundaries....

    Yes, I guess I'll have to "suck it up", as difficult child 2 so tactfully told my husband who is now in NH, helping him convalescence following knee surgery. Gratitude is not in the vocabulary of a difficult child.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    LOL 3s...twins share everything it seems!
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Ahhhh, reminds me of my own wedding. It was going to be my way or the highway as far as my Mom was concerned. And I told her multiple times that if she didn't like it she didn't have to come, period. No one was forcing her.

    Sort of mean. But I did say I used to be a difficult child myself once upon a time.

    For me......with years to look back and reflect on past behaviors........... It was a statement of my adult independence. An "I'm grown up, so you can't tell me what I can and can't do" thing. But I'd have been deeply hurt (although I'd never have admitted it) if she'd chosen not to show up.

    It's your son's wedding. Hopefully the only one he will have. It's an important milestone in his life, and yours.

    It would take nothing short of hades on earth to keep me away from one of my kid's weddings.

    I can't tell you what to do. But will say I'd go because I would want to share this moment with my child regardless of who and who is not there. And I'd kill 'em with charm and kindness that is so sickening sweet that it just drips from you. It's hard for even someone as manipulative as these women are to find fuel to use against you being sweet as pie toward them. *insert evil laugh here*

    If you don't go........it gives them more leverage with difficult child. Cuz I can bet you they'll use it as fuel as to what a horrid parent you are and see they didn't care enough to even come to your wedding!

    I wish you lived closer. I'd teach you some of my grandma's techniques. They'd seen those meddling witches running for the hills in no time. And everyone would be wondering what their problem is because you're such a sweet person..........lol My grandma had it down to an art form. ;)

  13. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator


    I would go also... but I would make it be known that you expect no abuse or contact other than social courtesies from his two "keepers". Explain that you will be there to help celebrate such an important day and wouldn't dream of doing anything to hurt him or ruin his & his bride's day. You expect the same from them.
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lisa is right. Be just as sweet as a southern belle. We really do have it down to an art form down here. We can put you down right to your face and you are left kind of wondering just what was said and if you really understood it correctly, isnt that right sugar?

    Look up online some "southern charm sayings" or something like that. Maybe between me, star and EW we can come up with some...lol.
  15. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    3S, I agree with the others and think you should go. It really is something you can never take back if you don't go and you don't want him to have that ammunition to hold over your head the rest of your life.

    Let me know when and I'll be your date and beat the bejesus out of those two if they get out of line with you. :devil::wildone::grrr:

    Suz :wine:
  16. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    LOL, Janet! I just did some research on southern charm. After all that smilin' and eatin' **** to keep the peace (this will be hard for MOI, I'm like a golden retriever puppy, can't hide my feelings...) I'll be able to say “I feel like I was rode hard and put away wet.”
  17. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I agree with everyone else. Being there will make a bigger statement than not being there. You are a classy lady and you will be gracious while gritting your teeth.

    I will come with Suz and knock them silly if they get out of line.

  18. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Ok, after reading thru this a second time, I agree with the others about going but keeping things to a minimum. I seriously doubt that his decisions right now are meant to hurt you or are thought about in any terms of trying to be sensitive to you- my guess is that he's consumed with his own plans and so forth but really does want you there. I think it could do longer term harm to your relationship if you don't go. But you don't have to stay thru an entire reception if you aren't comfortable or are not being treated well.
  19. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Shadow, it may look like we're smiling and being gracious, but child beneath those smiles lie the most sinister hearts imaginable. I never feel "put upon" because while I may seem to be a southern gentlewoman, I am also a very strong, independent woman. There are ways, my dear, to get your point across and still come out smelling like a rose. I often use the phrase "kill them with kindness." That's the true southern way. It's kind of like when we say "God bless you" we're really saying "You are a blundering idiot!"

    Anyway, GO TO THE WEDDING. Show up with smiles and laughter. Pretend he is the greatest son in the history of the world. Praise him to everyone there. Be the mother of the groom---something those other women can't be. Lie through your teeth and tell them how "happy" you are to see them. Then go home, get on the computer, and vent to us. :) But never, never let them see you sweat!
  20. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I agree with the others, go.
    YOU belong there and you should take your rightful place as parents of the groom. Smile graciously and shake hands and share the good wishes for the young couple.
    Your son seems to want the wedding to be about him and his new wife and not family. It's not unusual I guess. I grew up with a little more European influence and my wedding was as much about my family as it was about my husband and I. It almost strangled me. LOL.

    If your son wants a decent family he will realize how trashy those two women are and were.
    Smile broadly because you don't have to solve his problems or be responsible for him.
    I plan to be the happiest m i l on the planet when difficult child finds someone who will remind him to do the basics. I am joking a bit. I love my son and want him to find a soul mate. The past will be in the past. I start fresh everyday so that I don't carry all that negative emotion in my heart.