I read I find answers and strengths to live life

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by joysheph, Aug 18, 2018.

  1. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    Everytime I feel weak and wanting to just let my son in my home I come here. My answers are always on a thread here. I become strong I hold my head high as I read the words of others who are going through the same exact crap as I am! I we deserve a sanctuary our sanity. My son got out of jail last night after serving 6 months and he broke into my home again while we were at work. He stated he dont want to be on the streets or go to dope houses. He said he wants to be with family. He wants to go to a sober house. I am trying to get through to him that he broke in and that's a crime. I should of called the cops. I know this but didn't. As hes pleading and being a narcissistic ass I get on the site and read and read. I came across a thread that was similar to my situation and yelled enough I'm done I have boundaries and you violated it. I demanded he leave. He said he dont want to do drugs so I found a bed in a sober house and he said he dont like the way the guy talked on the phone and he will call him later. Then I said get out! I'm so tired of asking why wont he admit he has a disease and needs help so he can be apart of the family and society? His answer is I'm trying to change him into a robot. He says he is who he is and I need to deal with that he is my son. I said no you are not the man I raised and I feel threatened by you! I feel like I tried to give him the resources to get on his feet. But I be damn if I am giving all my savings for housing or even rehab. Because in the end of my days who will take care of us, him? I just can't give money that I don't have. At times I see the humbleness in him and I want to help but when I begin to demand a 12 step program or a sponsor the blue in his eyes quickly changes to dark. I come here and read get my strength to live life and not my sons.
    I'm sorry yall have to go thru this but we deserve to be happy!
    Joysheph :(
     
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  2. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    Oh my I recognize so much here. Stay strong, Joysheph. Don’t expend all your own resources on someone who will go through them without thought to your future and wellbeing. We have to remember ‘put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others.’

    As far as ‘this is just who I am’ - boy have I ever heard that, from S1 and D1 both! ‘I’m just not like you. I don’t want your boring life. I’m not going to be a sucker for the man. The system’s rotten and I won’t be part of it.’ Oh, but you’ll live off the hard work and sweat of us suckers working for the man? I’ve told mine they can’t have it both ways. You can say ‘this is who I am’, but that doesn’t mean others have to put up with you, support you or accommodate you - including your parents. This is who you choose to be, and you have to live with the consequences of those choices. (At least, this is what I say when I’m feeling strong.)

    Finding others who are going through the same thing on this site has been a godsend for me as well. It’s a rough road. Hugs and prayers for everyone on it.
     
  3. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Oh no JS, not again. My daughters used to break through my screens. Pry them off and climb through the window. They thought nothing of it.....”The door was locked” they would say with this look on their face like what else could they do but break in? Rolling eyeballs. To me, it is a statement of entitlement, what’s yours is mine. This goes for not only what we work hard for, also the peace in our homes, our time and peace of mind. In their mind, it all belongs to them for the taking. Because we are their “family”. My two would play the family card as long as we let them.

    I know how hard this is, JS. But, my two and your son have no boundaries. We have to establish them. What is decent and common sense, does not occur to them.
    That is the hard reality. I began to see my twos actions for what they were, a lack of respect.
    He is telling you what he thinks you want to hear, to try to get his way back into your home. If he meant it, he would move mountains to make it happen.

    Hah! Bs! I have often thought that my daughters and their friends who drug and choose to be homeless believe they are living “free” and we are all slaves to society. But, they don’t mind living off of us, if we allowed it. You can’t shun something, yet enjoy the benefits of another’s hard work, either by entitlement, or stealing. Change him into a robot, that is what addiction does. They are slaves or robots to their drug of the moment, nothing else matters.
    I stopped mentioning rehab, it only fell on deaf ears. I save my breath and pray for them to wake up.
    We do deserve peace in our own homes. Our kids are adults, nearly 30. My eldest, 39! My time on this earth is limited. I have had to accept that they will do as they please, no matter what I say. Hopefully one day they will see the light and find their potential, that is entirely up to them. I am done with the bs. If they break into my home ever again, I will call the police. We are not rugs to be tread upon, taken advantage of, all in the name of family. Family shows kindness, caring and respect to one another. It is not the one way street of their liking. Love says no to that. No, I will not allow you to take advantage of me. You can do this JS. Stay strong and firm. In the long run, they will have to look themselves in the mirror and own their choices and consequences, because we won’t allow them to put it all on us.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Canyou get a security system? That is nonsense. We have one. If anyone tries to get the police are alerted
     
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2018
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This is like my life. I am sorry Joy.

    Hold strong.

    I would try to call the cops. Every time. One cop told me I had the right to insist he be arrested and taken to jail every time he trespassed and entered my property. That I could sign for it. If he returns to my town I will do this.

    I am at the point where I want no contact. Not even by phone. My son tries to spew his own toxicity onto me. And calls me toxic.

    I am in survival mode.

    Don't let it get this bad.

    Make a big moat around yourself and home and life. Do not let him in.

    He prefers to destroy you, your future, your health--then to go to sober living where there are rules. This is wrong. I don't care what he says.

    He needs to deal with his life. Not you. There is no other answer. I tried to support my son. Everything your son wants, I did. He got worse.
     
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    Last edited: Aug 31, 2018
  6. overcome mom

    overcome mom Member

    Sorry to hear what you are going through. I dread that this is going to happen to me in a few days. My son is getting out of jail soon and right now it looks like he has no place to go. I am afraid that he is going to break in while we are away. I am currently trying to set up a security system but it is not going smoothly. I to really need to stay strong. I feel awful that he will be homeless but like it was said I am not getting any younger and all this drama makes me unhappy all the time. Trying very hard to find joy and not constantly worry about him.
    I have thought the same thing about the money. I have it now but it is not going to last until I die if I give it to him now. He has no self control when it comes to money so doesn't understand. Hang in there, it definitely appears as if you are making to the correct decision.
     
  7. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    Thank you everyone for the strength to carry this rock. I know I haven't seen the last of him. I know hes out there drugging. He will return on my porch or hiding in my garage or taunting me across the street. He has done all this. I know the cops will be called. I kick myself in the butt for not calling the other day for breaking in. I'm already in survival mode!! We are going to find some type of camera to put by the house. Possibly some type of bob wiring for the gate so if he climbs over then.. I dont want contact. It saddens me to say and I hyperventilate everytime but I am frightened by him. I told my husband get this house secure or I have to leave here! Yall are right saying rehab blah blah does fall on deaf ears. He is full of BS! Gosh thank yall for getting me out of the fog
    Joysheph
     
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  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi joy.

    There are a few of us posting right now in the same situation. Drug-addled adult sons beating down their doors, trying to make us responsible for their lives, as if they were still infants. Grown up men doing this to (almost) old mothers! No!

    Check out threads by February and overcome mom. And new leaf too.

    You are doing fantastic.

    These men either grow up or get society to support them, whether jail, prison, sober living homes, whatever. But not us. It does not work. Trust me. I tried.

    PS. I am putting down my rock.
     
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  9. CareTooMuch

    CareTooMuch Active Member

    The Ring floodlight is great and easy to install It sends you an alert when you someone is on your property and you can actually talk to the speaker through your phone and tell them to leave your property .
     
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  10. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    Joy,

    I am in the same boat right now, and I understand the push and pull, stress, and anxiety of having to set difficult boundaries, which are then ignored by our difficult children. I also understand the fear. Don't beat yourself up about not calling the police. You do what you have the strength to do at the time.

    My son was released from jail three months ago. I am embarrassed to say I gave him $5,000 from my teacher's salary to help him get a car and housing. It's all gone. He hasn't changed; he used my address without my permission, and started using again. He's back in jail with vague apologies, talking about how he's been wronged, and already asking for a fan and money on his account. He has had unfair things happen to him also, but he is an 'adult', and life is unfair. He has a daughter in foster care, and she is the one who is really hurt by his behaviors.

    I remember listening to a self-help person, saying to think about having a hundred dollars in your spiritual/emotional bank account each day. How much figurative money are you spending, and on what? Over the last fifteen years, a significant portion of my emotional $ has been spent on my two difficult children with no return in terms of peace of mind, respect, relationship, mutual care, etc.

    I fall down all the time, but like you I keep coming to this site to get strength and wisdom from the members here. I am struggling, but I keep trying to learn to put my well-being first.
    You are doing the best you can in difficult circumstances.
     
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  11. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    I bought Arlo cameras last Prime day. They’re wireless so very easy to set up (just put them where you want them). You can view on your phone and arm to detect motion.
     
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  12. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    UGH!! I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. They just do not see what a violation of our trust it is when they break into our homes. I experienced this with my son too many times.
    I'm so proud of you for standing your ground and sticking to the boundaries you have set. You had every right to tell him to leave.
    I agree with the others that you may want to get some security cameras. You deserve to feel safe in your home.
     
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  13. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    We bought the ring security camera and I absolutely love it! It just feel like bricks is off our shoulders. This morning my husband checked the live feed to make sure there were no surprises sitting on the porch as he left to work. I did the same when I left. It just said how we felt so dang Leary everytime we would open the front door. On my way home before driving up to the house I checked live feed. It just feels amazing once again to feel safe from it all. But yet I seem to catch myself worrying if hes okay. I guess that'll always be. I pray these kids all our kids wake up!
    Joysheph
     
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