MWM, For the first time today, I actually considered that she was using drugs, more than pot. If she is, than I would consider this one of her most hidden secrets because I know everything that she's doing. So I would be blown away if she has being doing hard drugs. I need to get her tested somehow.
Guide me, there is nothing you can do if she is taking drugs, which I strongly believe she is. And drug tests don't show all drugs. I think Spice, which is dangerous beyond pot, is not detectable. Our adult drug users know which drugs show up and which ones don't. What do you believe knowing for sure will do? She is of legal age and you can't force her to get treatment. I think you, in my opinion, are just too enmeshed with her. The only person who knows what is going on with her is her and she obviously doesn't want to change it yet or she'd ask for your help in maybe paying for a rehab. On the, in my opinion 1% chance she is just mentally ill, don't you think her friends would notice too?You can't force an adult into seeking therapy either.
I really do think it's drugs and you are having trouble facing it, like most of us. There is no way we know everything about our adult children. Not possible, even if they do live with us and your daughter's suspicious, drug user like behavior is that she quit her regular goals, changed her life plans, moved out (big red flag) and is all over the place emotionally. Her age is another sign...eighteen is often the age that they start, although my daughter started at TWELVE! And I didn't know. And she was homeschooled for two years and still found a way to get drugs. And, yeah, I wanted to believe it was just pot even when I knew it couldn't be. But pot doesn't cause that type of moodswing. Many drugs do though. We experienced it...once she put her arm through a window, so unlike the normal her, so I had to call 911. The cops came, not an ambulance, and handcuffed her! I was horrified. She was in a psychiatric hospital for two weeks, but they didn't catch her drug use either. She said she'd quit and they believed her. They drug tested her and it came back normal.
Now that she quit, she told me everything. I know she had used psychodelics, meth, ADHD drugs that were crushed in a pillcrusher and snorted (Adderrall is most users ADHD drug of choice), cocaine and even experimented with heroin. And she lived with us while this happened. And we didn't know. One way she hid it was to take the most damaging drugs when we were sleeping. She also used to sneak out of the house and wander the streets while we were sleeping (and my husband is a light sleeper, so she was good!!). The only reason we ever found out she was leaving late at night was because a cop brought her home once since it was after curfew. She was a minor. NOTHING could stop her from taking drugs. Only SHE could.
I am not trying to scare you. But you seem to want to know what changed your daughter and this is what I think. What do you think you can do if you know why she is acting the way she is? She is of age and not even living with you and you are not supporting her. What can you do to make her want to get help?
On the yelling: I did lose it a few times on my daughter, but not that badly. I learned that yelling and being out of control only fuels the fires and I hate drama. This is where therapy can really help. Although, whether your daughter is severely mentally ill (I don't think so, but it is possible) or if she is using drugs, you can't make her go for treatment. But you can learn how to cope better and manage your own feelings and detach from her. It is not a good thing to live your life through another person. It gives that person so much power over you that it's like they take over your body and inhabit it. How do I know? It takes one to know one!!!
My son was my first child and very wanted. He was also self-destructive and got into trouble from an early age and very much wanted to be popular. One year he kept a journal because he had to for school. I read it every day (as I blush here). If he was unhappy one day I'd read every word in his entry and analyze it. I'd actually shake while I was reading. I am ashamed, but I want you to know. He was very smart and quite eloquent. So I knew what was going on with him (remember, he was young then, maybe twelve). I would cry foolishly because the girl he liked didn't like him back...yes, he was only twelve. But it hurt him. So I hurt too. When a friend rejected him, I was devestated. It was so hard on me, I didn't know what to do. I saw a book called "Toxic Parents" in the library and in desperation I read it. I saw myself...living through my child. There I had it. I was able to stop once I realized what I was doing. I felt very empty after I stopped. It was like "me" didn't exist. I was him, not me. I had to build my life all over again. And worrying about him since his toddler years did not change him one bit. He continued to be difficult, moody, in trouble a lot, a master liar and a very well respected shoplifter from his friends, and always sneaky and always troubling.
I'm glad I stopped that "I am Him" habit early because it was torture for me to be him. I had other kids too, but they weren't in trouble like he was. So I focused in on him. It was bad for both of us. To this day, he is overly needy of me and not in a good way. I have had to detach from his drama for my sanity. I have other people who love and need me and treat me with respect and I have myself, whom I have to live with. "Wherever you go, there you are."
I actually had therapy with the man who wrote the book "Toxic Parents." He was from the Chicago area, although it sold well all over. He was REALLY able to help me. His name was Mitch, but I no longer remember his last name and this was so long ago, I don't think the book is in print any more because I tried looking for it. But any book on codependency will tell you the same things he told me. It's just that this book focused on parents who are overly entangled with their children and who lived through them, which I was doing, so it really spoke to me.
I wish you luck. If you can detach, you will be so much happier and your daughter won't be better or worse regardless of what you do. May as well choose to be happy and be your own person. Focusing on what's wrong with your daughter and thinking you can change her once you know, doesn't help her and harms you. Hugs!!!!