I should keep my nose out of it right?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by toughlovin, Sep 7, 2011.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    OK so as you know my son checked himself into a psychiatric hospital which is good. I think it was because he was very broken up by things with his girlfriend... I believe she is really trying to end it but I also think she cares about him and is trying to "help" him. She is a nice girl. I looked at the phone records and they are still communicating. But it looks to me like he is doing all the calling.

    I am sorely tempted to call her and ask her if she thinks they might get together again or is she just trying to be there for him. If she really knows they are done then it would be better for him if she made it final.... and let him deal with that while he is in the hospital and safe from harming himself.

    Of course that could really backfire on me and probably would because if she told him I called he would be really really mad at me and any progress we have made in our relationship would be done.

    My husband says to try and talk to him about it and that is probably what I should do.... but he probably won't be open to discussing it with me.

    I can just see the pattern here. This is what happened with his last serious girlfriend.... they broke up, got back together, over and over and he pretty much fell apart at the end.... but when she finally was really done he did finally move on. This staying in and trying to help him doesn't work.

    Oh the wisdom of life experience. I just want to tell them both it is over and can't they see that.

    So should I keep my hands to myself and not dial her number?

  2. keista

    keista New Member


    Do you know this girl at all? You don't know how "stable" she is. To often I've had conversations with young adults about relationships, and when I'm talking, they are nodding their heads, agreeing with my advice. They seem to be understanding the wisdom of walking away, but then left to their own devices - not so much.

    I would not call her. on the other hand if she calls you, feel free to express your point of view.

    Even if your son won't discuss the matter with you, he can listen while you talk. Try to think of relevant examples from your past that you can share with him. Reality is, that HE has to learn to walk away on his own. Otherwise, next time, it'll be the same thing all over again.
  3. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member


    This was my answer after simply reading the subject line of your message. Now that know the nature of the problem, I feel even more strongly that yes, you should not get involved.

    This is where detachment gets hard. Sometimes people have to make their own mistakes in order to learn from them. I think our difficult children are especially this way. If they don't learn things the hard way, they don't learn them at all.

    If you jump in and try to fix it, neither your difficult child nor this girl will thank you for it, and they'll also miss out on learning the life experience that this will teach them.

  4. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Yes. Follow your instinct. Of course a mama wants to spare her child pain. That said, their relationship belongs to them and should remain between them. I know it's hard ...
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    These kids are young. They still have to make the mistakes we did when we were young and learn from them.

    difficult child needs to learn to let go when a relationship has ended and accept it. If you step in, you'll be messing up that learning process for him.

    And who knows, these kids may just be going through a rough patch and manage to work it out in the end.

    If you'd seen Nichole and her husband's relationship while dating....well, you'd be shocked that they at this stage have a fairly stable "normalish" relationship. I'm still iffy on whether or not they'll make it for the long haul, but that is for them to work out, not me. It's not my relationship. Know what I mean??

    Leave it alone and let them work it out. I know it can be hard to watch, but it's very much a part of real life.

  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yes. My difficult child is just like yours. She gets into relationships and then when they end she doesn't know how to handle it. She obsesses, stalks, calls him hundreds of times a day one right after the other. I have wanted to call the guy and tell him to just tell her to leave him alone and file a restraining order if she doesn't. But I knew if I did that it would ruin any chance of a relationship between us.

    You may want to talk to his therapist at the ospital and tell him/her that he is goign through a break up and isn't handling it well and see if they can get him to talk about it. And of course keep encouraging him to talk to you.

    It's hard not to interfere but I earned that every time I did it made it worse.

  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't get involved. difficult child will be furious...and it's his problem to handle, not yours. I understand the need to want to make it better, but you really can't.

    Good luck sitting on your hands :) I know how tempting it must be.
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You know the answer to that question. All of us understand wanting to do something but knowing it is best to stay out of it. Sending hugs. DDD
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Ok an update on this situation. Ugh. My husband and I went to see him today. We went in separate cars. My son had a pass so we were able to walk off the unit so he could smoke a couple of cigs and my husband left and went to buy him some magazines. Gave me a few minutes with my son.... he did relapse a few nights ago on cough medicine... ugh but at least he admitted that to me. He also admitted the truth about an incident that happened about 12 years ago that I have always wondered about. Man he is a good liar because he has lied to me about it all these years. I thought you all gave great advice so I did not call the girlfriend... did ask him about it and had a fairly good but short conversation with him. Told him that I got how hard it was, that I had been through breakups and know how painful it is etc. Also mentioned that my mom (whom he adored) would have understood because my dad left her after a long marriage.

    His claim is that the girlfriend has been calling and he is not responding and that he is kind of not doing that anymore. He seemed a lot better than the other day. We met the social worker and talked with her for a bit... their recommendation would be a partial treatment program for a couple of days but he told them he would not have transportation. I said we could give him transportation but basically he does not want to do a partial day tx. OK I am determined to have it be his choice and to not try to force anything. He agreed that the social worker could call me.

    So we went back up my husband was not back yet. I decided to leave and go do an errand and then come home. My husband got the magazines and went back. There must have been a bit of a lag... because while he was there the intake line at the hospital got a call from a friend of the girlfriend saying that my son was calling her claiming he would committ suicide in the bathroom. Ugh. So of course he has lost the privledge of having passes until he sees the doctor.

    My difficult children claim is that this did not happen that the girlfriend friends were just trying to make trouble for him. My husband told the nurse that we trust what the girlfriend says more than my son. And I came home and checked the phone records... well there are a million calls in a couple hours. 1 minute calls where he is probably leaving her a message. Obsessive stuff.

    He is such a liar.

    So I am going to see him tomorrow. I am going to print out the phone record and show it to the hospital, will call the social worker, and also confront him with it. I will not call the girlfriend though because I think that does cross a line and for goodness sake she doesn't need to get calls from me as well as from him.

    He is feeling better enough to be his manipulating self who doesn't really see how much he needs help.

    I have been reading up and I am really starting to think personality disorder. Sigh. Not that that makes any difference, still nothing I can do.

    I realized last night at alanon that my hope that somehow he is going to turn a corner and get it together is probably a pipe dream. He is likely to be troubled for a long time and we just have to be resigned to the fact that this roller coaster is going to continue and we need to get better at riding it. I always hated roller coasters.

  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    At least, once again, you are dealing with the "truth". I am sorry. on the other hand it is good that he took the initiative to reach out for help. Whether he can or will be able to use it, sadly you can't control. I'm sending supportive thoughts and hugs your way. What a life we all lead. (Sorry, it's not a good day and I can't sound too "up" for you.) on the other hand you are used to the rollercoaster too. Hugs. DDD
  11. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    I have gone through this same thing time and again with Kat. The worst was with-her "baby daddy" who was abusive and she could not let the relationship go. It nearly drove me insane. Confronting her about it, even with evidence that I knew she was in contact with him did no good at all. She would blatantly lie in the face of said evidence, refusing to back down from her story. It has gone on somewhat with this last boyfriend, but he isn't really interested anymore, so that has a put a stop to most of it. I try my hardest to ignore it and not comment, as the more I try to talk to her about it and reason with her the more it drives her right back to these guys. I think it becomes a challenge to prove me wrong. When I completely ignore it then the situation seems to resolve itself faster, which is very hard for me to do, but I try. I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how horrible and insane it is!
  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Well lets hope Kat and my difficult child never meet!!!!!
  13. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    Or we could just go halves on an apartment and stick them both in there to wallow in their co-dependency! Then we could go out for dinner together!
  14. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    LOL.... yes at least we would have some laughs and a nice dinner.
  15. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I'm sorry and I will be thinking of you. 12 years is a long time to not know the truth. I hope it gives you some confidence on your intuition-trust yourself. I think mamas are wired to look for the best in their kids-allows us to let them survive thru colic and tantrums and puberty lol
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I just went through this similar situation with Dude and his girl.........she called ME. Wanted to talk about the relationship. I told her I don't DO relationship advice and least not with her about my son. She was distraught. He was suicidal. I said they are perfect for each other. Gheeze louise. Couple of emos.

    Neither really wanted to HEAR anything I had to say because my thoughts on suicide are blatent. Go for it. You talk - you worry me - then have at it. Then it hit me that since these two are just above a Rhesus monkey on the difficult child scale of emotions - this is the first LOVE either of them has had. That 'true" love. Now for any of US......and a broken heart happened - HOW DID IT FEEL? How did we handle it? It hurt like hades. OMG I still remember how badly MINE hurt. I can recall it vividly and I'm not a difficult child (shut up). But it was so painful I can recall it - 31 years later - THIRTY ONE years......and here I have an emotionally unstable over the edge difficult child who is not able to process anything let alone letting go.........and a 19 year old girl who is 1899 miles away - with her first true love /crush -------and add it up and yup......it feels like suicide is a good way out of this pain. So at 1,2.3.4. in the morning with work looming in the dawn -------where am I? Desperately trying to be an armchair er........bedside psychiatrist without involving myself, get to the point......and explain to him that I am not picking sides....I am not offering advice.........and if suicide is going to happen I will be beyond sad AND..........should there really BE a break up today.......suicide would leave ABSOLUTELY NO chance for ANY and I mean ANY reconcilliation between the two......it would be final.

    Something to think about ---------and then went out on a limb and said -------and if he were dead......she would go on......and probably date, marry and have someone elses kids.

    To which he replied - if she wasn't with him........he wanted her to think about HIS death every day.......

    To which I replied........I doubt she would.......she would think about it for a while.......no doubt, but then would eventually find someone that would make her forget that he died to make her remember and his life would be in vain - she would go on - have kids.......and he wouldn't ever get to see her again - but do what he thought was best.

    I needed to go to bed......should I call 911 or not? I really didnt think this was fair - I had to get up for work.

    He asked if I was crying......I said I was......and I was (the stress was overwhelming) and then I told him I thought he was a selfish Bturd......to put me thorugh all of this......with both his brothers gone to think that I didn't love him and cherish him.....and that he would waste MY son over a girl......thanks a lot. Said I loved him.....hoped I talked to him tomorrow. Then hung up.

    I didn't call him the next day-----------

    Of course I was told if I didn't hear from him - he was dead.

    I got a call day after that. And I blasted him.......I was NOT repeat NOT...........nice. I told him what I thought of his little stunt......and that he could get help anywhere........if he was that bad - GET SOME. Leave me out of it and don't ever pull that **** again.......I meant it. Still mean it.

    Then he said he was sorry ------I told him )%(*#($*+@_)+ don't want a NOW apology - think about what you put me through and Ouixa through - My granddog......then apologize.

    I don't think I've ever been SOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo furious with him in my life. I think he knew it.

    Victim my apple bottoms.........I was the victim here - and I let him know it. I had to work.......I was tired.....this was not my problem..........and I am done playing suicide hotline.

    But I do think......I'm right about not being able to handle broken heart like a normal person.........they don't know what it feels like........so that much I'll give him.

    The rest.......NO MAAAAAAAAAAAAm.

    He plays the suicide card again...........and someone in this house will be so unavailable he'll think something has happened in this house of biblical proportions.