I still feel guilty

My son did live with me. He does work but I wanted a nice place for my grandchild to be able to come stay when he had visitation. Truth be told, I knew I needed to oversee the visit to make sure the child was fed and taken care of. Fast forward to now- he is out. I have a room for grandchild with a special bed for a child. I feel like I want to give it to his ex so my grandchild can enjoy it. I can't see any future visits at my home because she doesn't trust that he wouldn't come here, (he has made threats to kid nap child). I do think I will have to sell and move before grandchild could come stay with me. I'm thinking about a condo with a gate. A little nervous about a condo. I guess I'm still worried what he will think me giving her the bed. I still think , what if he gets better. Either way this is grandchilds bed and time is going by. Sorry-just thinking out loud......

Tanya M

Living with an attitude of gratitude
Staff member
IWP, first never apologize to us for "thinking out loud"
This forum is so we can all express what is on minds and in our hearts.

I know it's easier said than done but you cannot worry about what your son thinks.

My son has two beautiful children that he walked out on. He was married to their mother and when the youngest was 3 months old he decided his "party" life was more important. I am very blessed that I have a good relationship with my grands mother but they live 2000 miles away so I don't get to see them as often as I would like but we have gone to visit. My son has been out of their lives for 5 years. About 2 years ago my son reached out to me and wanted me to give him their address. I told him under no circumstances would I give him that information. I told him that I would not jeapordize my relationship with them or their mother and that I will guard their privacy. He had some choice words for me that were pretty ugly. I don't care.

Our Difficult Child make their life choices and there are consequences, one being damaged relationships. It is not our place to "fix" things for them.

Your son has damaged his relationship with you and the mother of his child, he has lost your trust.
You do not owe him any kind of explaination. If you want your grandchild to have the bed then give it, you do not need to tell your son, it's none of his business.
You need to retrain your brain. You are worried about what your son will think, was he concerned about you when he threatened you? Was he concerned about you when he damaged your home?
If he had you, her, or the grandchild's best interest in his heart he would not be making threats.

I understand your concern about him making threats to kidnap the child, all the more reason that it should be reported to the police. If he ever sends a text message with any kind of threat to you, her or grandchild you need to show it the police. If he makes these threats again tell him you will report it to the police, don't let him bully you.

If you do decide to move into a condo just remember, you do not need to tell your son. You need to do what will make you feel safe and you may need to go NO CONTACT with him. If you do have contact with him I would only do it via text messeges that way there is a record of it.

I get the fear, I lived it myself, my son put me through hell but I had finally had enough and decided to take my life back. You too can do this!!!

((HUGS)) to you.........................
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Tanya, once again thank you. I know everything you are saying is true, old habits are hard to break. I have always been a caretaker type and want to fix his problems and everyone's for that matter. I'm hoping this feeling of shock will go away. I was married for 24 years and divorced the last 6 years. My ex is NO help and has his own set of problems. I am so depressed at the thought of being alone in all this. I do thank God because I believe he has lead me to this forum.

Tanya M

Living with an attitude of gratitude
Staff member
You are most definitely not alone. One thing you will learn is you have more strength than you ever thought you could.
I don't remember if you said you have been to an Al-anon meeting?? If not, I would highly recommend it. While there is wonderful support on this site it's also good to have something in person.