I think bio dad disappeared again.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Steely, Apr 4, 2009.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Talk about every dysfunctional feeling possible. I think I have them at this moment.

    I knew me moving to Arizona would be difficult for difficult child, but for some reason I thought it would be because I was moving. Yet, the first thing Matt asked about when he found out I was moving was, "what about my Dad?" I should have known.

    His dad disappeared 2 days ago. His last comment to me was,
    "after putting forth every effort to get back my relationship with my son for the last 3 years, now you are moving." Before that he had helped me pack up Matt's room, and I was being b*tchy and rude. Classic old tapes. Me, being rude ~ and bio dad disappears.

    The problem with bio disappearing is that he does it for months, years at a time. And somehow I always feel responsible. And always Matt gets the short end. Always.

    I feel so heartsick. I cannot explain it. I know all the healthy things I am supposed to think and do - but I just want Matthew to have his dad. He deserves to have his dad. Since he was 3, that was what I wanted for him - but try as I might - it is a variable out of my control.

    I just feel it. Bio dads sick twisted way of paying me back for moving, will be, once again his disappearance.
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry.
  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Steely, I understand. Miss KT's father won't even return her phone calls. She's so worried about upsetting him that she puts up with all his passive-aggressive, irresponsible, whiny butt behavior on the rare occasions he calls or spends an hour or so with her.

    All I ever wanted was a decent father for my kid. I know. It vacuums horribly, and there's nothing we can do about it. Many, many hugs to both you and Matt.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Steely, it hoovers big time. But this is not your problem. It's ex's problem. As difficult child grows up and matures he will come to realize this and stop blaming you for something that is not your fault. Matt can and will survive without his dad. And personally, with a dad like that......it's better without than with.

    My dad is that way. He comes around or calls to releave his conscience once in a blue moon. He's never been able to handle any type of real responsibility. Just who he is. I don't hate him for it, or even dislike him for it. But then I never pined away waiting for him to be the Dad he could never be either. I had a wonderful step dad to fill that role quite nicely.

    Karma is a *itch. Dad is now in his 70's and age is not being kind. The majority of his children do not seek out a relationship with him. My brother is kind enough to let him live with him simply because he has no where else to go. But bro told him a couple of weeks ago that he may be finding himself in a nursing home soon. Seems even age didn't mellow him. I'm kind and polite when he calls. Afterall, he is my father and never did anything to actually hurt me. The least I can do. BUT I don't and won't seek out a relationship with him. The man is little more than a stranger to me. His fault, not mine. Most of my sibs feel the same way.

    So in the end, my dad reaped what he sowed. His old age is proving to be very lonely.

    My point is that Matt will eventually figure his dad out and decide how much effort he wishes to continue to put into having a relationship with someone who is terrified of actually having one.

    So don't take on the guilt of ex leaving. It's not your guilt to carry.

  5. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Yes, you are right. The guilt is not mine to carry. Nor is Matt's pain. None the less, like you said KT - all a mom ever wants is a good dad for their kid.

    Instead of bio disappearing completely, although I think that will come, Matt just called me, crying, to say he talked to his dad and his dad was stoned out of his mind. Matt was so worried and upset, because his dad said all of these crazy things to him. I hope the group home helps him process this and helps him realize the reality of this situation. Up until now, they have thought it was fine and dandy for him to talk to his dad.

    Still, I know this drill. Bio is going to sink, and try to take us all down with him. He will not take me - ever - again. And I pray to God he does not take Matt down - again. This has happened too many times.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I hope the staff can help Matt work thru that phone call. What a cruddy thing for ex to do.
  7. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    If the life as he'd known it is being shaken up at least Matt is in a good place for these changes to be happening. He's in a therapeutic environment 24/7 and is doing well there. I hope his counselors help him draw on the coping skills he's been learning there.....and that he develops newfound perspective on what a good guy HE is and what a horse's patoot he has for a Dad.