I think I did good...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by CAmom, Mar 21, 2007.

  1. CAmom

    CAmom Member

    So, my son called last night after six days, eleven hours, and fifteen minutes (but, who's counting...joke, joke...). When my husband handed me the phone, I was cheerful and upbeat. I didn't mention how long it had been since he last called (the longest time I've had no contact with my son his entire life...), the hateful remark he made when we last talked, and asked no questions about his status. I talked about our garden, kitchen remodeling, etc.

    He offered the information that he had decided to join a swim team, a sport which he is good at but has never been particularly interested in. When I asked him about what made him decide to do this, he told me that it was because "I want to get through this program." I remembered then that choosing a sport and then actively participating in it is one of the many steps which he has to complete in order to graduate from the program.

    Well, this THRILLED me because this is the FIRST time in the five months he's been in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that he has actually taken a meaningful step forward towards getting himself through and out of the program. At least I hope I'm not clutching at straws...

    Anyway, instead of breaking out my pom-poms and doing my usual "Siss! Boom! Bah! cheerleader routine (figuratively speaking...)that I usually do with my son, thinking that would keep him motivated (silly me...), I simply told him that his dad and I always knew that he'd figure things out, and we hoped he enjoyed his chosen sport.

    I THINK I did good...
  2. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Wow, CAMom! I think you did better than good, you did fantastic! You are one quick learner--congratulations!!! You are my new role model...
  3. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Excellent job!!


  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    You go, girl!

    :bravo: :bravo: :bravo:

    I'm positively BEAMING! :smile:

  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I think you have attended Advanced Placement Detachment Degree
    courses....without telling us about it! Darn girl, I bet you
    are going to graduate with Honors.

    Hmmmm....shall we have a party??? Yeah! DDD
  6. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    You did great!
  7. CAmom

    CAmom Member

    Jane and Kathy, thanks! I feel pretty good about it...
  8. CAmom

    CAmom Member

    Thanks, Suz...I feel like a good student!!
  9. CAmom

    CAmom Member

    DDD, thanks to you and Suz and everyone else. It really helps, more than I realized it could, to have you all supporting me.

    I'm all for that party. Next time Las Vegas comes up, I'm THERE! I'll buy the first round!
  10. CAmom

    CAmom Member

    Rejected and everyone else, thank you so much. Now, if only I can keep this up. The fact that his phone calls are limited to 5 minutes REALLY helps...
  11. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    You DID do great, CAmom!

    And it sounds like your son is doing a little better, too.

    I'm glad for him and happy for you.

    And you know what? I know just what you mean about cheerleading.

    Wonder what your son thought when the old, reliable buttons he used to push didn't work anymore?

    I remember the first time I used one of the techniques from the site and it worked.

    It feels like a blessing, doesn't it.

    He will keep testing you, but you are stronger, now.

    I really am happy for you!


  12. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Oh my god, you did awesome!!!!
    I know for a fact the difference it made in my son when I stopped reacting the way he expected me to. It took a lot of practice, but let me tell you, now that you have seen what it can do, it will come much easier to you. Just don't kick yourself if you backslide once in awhile. Sometimes he will catch you off guard and you will catch yourself saying something you regret, but you can just get right back to it. It takes practice, but you can master it. It is the true beginning of him learning he cannot manipulate you. The best thing is he is learning to make positive decisions for himself. Doesn't it feel wonderful to know he can do it if he wants too!!!
  13. AliceLee

    AliceLee New Member

    CAmom, You did NOT do good...You did GREAT!!!!!!
  14. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    You were WONDERFUL!!!


    Boy, have you ever come a looooooong way! :biggrin:
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member


    You did absolutely AWESOME!

    I,too, think you have been sneaking in some of those graduate courses in detachment!

    I think we need to award you the medal of honor for distinguished service under fire...lol. :bravo:
  16. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Oh YEAH! :bravo: :bravo:

    I don't see how you could've handled it better. You did a wonderful job of detachment. A+ with extra bonus points added in for holding it together under pressure.

    Way To Go!! :smile:
  17. CAmom

    CAmom Member

    Oh, thank you Barbara. I'm sure he must be puzzled that those old buttons aren't operating so well these days, and I know he's still testing. I can hear him talking to his dad in a very upbeat, cheerful voice, asking how his dad is doing, what we had for dinner, etc. Then, he asks for me, and his voice undergoes a complete change--much more sad and subdued, and I just KNOW he is trying his darndest to project that doom and gloom through the phone line, BEGGING me to ask, "Oh, my poor baby--WHAT have those MEAN, unfair, unreasonable people in that group home been doing to you?--let Mommy fix it!" Or, something like that...

    Thanks, as always, for your kind words and lovely way of putting them on "paper."
  18. CAmom

    CAmom Member

    Karen, yes it does! I've never really been absolutely certain that he COULD accept and handle the consequences of his actions without totally falling apart which meant I would fall apart right along side him. Speaking of co-dependence...

    But I completely see now that not giving him the chance to do so was cheating him of learning very important lessons in life.

    I SO hope that this latest is a turning point for him, but I'm not going to get my hopes up too much because, if there's anything I CAN count on, it is my son's inconsistent inconsistency. (I think that makes sense...like an irregularly irregular heartbeat!)
  19. CAmom

    CAmom Member

    Donna and Alice,

    Thank you as well. I know I just said this, but I really can't BELIEVE how much all your positive words and support MATTERS!
  20. CAmom

    CAmom Member

    Janet, well, if I've taken any courses, I've done it via you all and your experiences.

    But, you know, I have to say that I think a large part of my success, thus far, is the fact that I'm not face-to-face with my son, and the phone calls are really too brief to get into much depth.

    I'm not certain how well I'll do when I'm actually looking into those blazing green eyes! However, at the rate he's going, so far, I've got many months to practice from a distance...