I've been reading posts all day. My emotions are confusing to me, but when I click on general parenting and general parenting topics are stuff like arrests, I feel relieved. That's what *my* general parenting is like. I don't feel so much like I can "talk" to my civilian friends right now. I'm toying with the idea of relinquishing my custody to the state. Largely as leverage to get almost-16 year old son to sign on to the rehab where he is now in line for a year-long bed. But, I'm yet entirely certain that I'm not out of my mind. First, business- I don't get all the abbreviations here. husband is dear husband difficult child seems to have to do with a kid who is acting up? I'm very angry with the system. I live in a large city, maybe that's part of it but it doesn't know itself, so can direct a person trying to navigate it around. I'm also a little overwhelmed so I need to skip between topics. I'm not in the easy, uber-coherent way right now. So, I'm trying to force him into rehab. But he mostly just smokes pot. I'm not even positive that he's an addict--I suspect it's more coming from some budding personality problem. Basics: He's supposed to be in 10th grade. For the last 5 years he has bounced between many therapists and social workers and substance abuse councilors. He gets referred out or stops going frequently. We leave a wake of therapists and mostly well-meaning unhelpful people everywhere we go. A state-sponsored program wanted me to try homeschooling. Obviously, that wasn't going to work, but I gave an honest go. That's what I do- my best, over and over. And I'm just through at this point. That sounds cruel even to my ears. I really love him, but I cannot keep going. He got mandated for a bit to an outpatient substance abuse program and they suggested a day treatment program and the day treatment program said, no, he's too risky, he needs inpatient. The first inpatient said no, he's not severe enough. Then the second inpatient, bless them that they listened to me in the end, told me that they couldn't take him because they are voluntary and he doesn't want help. I explained to the them that if they don't offer him a bed and let him refuse it (and I'm not sure he will refuse it because he gets that I am at the end of my rope and the court process we are in now is leave him in jail if he won't go to rehab….) …. I told them that maybe I can get his case fast tracked (I am the complainant) if he doesn't agree to go. And they put him in line for a bed. So actual progress has been made. Huge progress. What I'm calling progress is shutting down the status quo, which just can't happen fast enough for my liking. I need him out of the house. I missed work over his stuff two half days this week. The week before I actually got to go to work every day. The week before that it was one full day and one half day…. it's unrelenting. There is always a crisis. A new intake for some program that I know damn well isn't going to work but in order to get to the next step we have to give it a go and wait for it to fail. So, right now he has an intake tomorrow for an after school program. Those people are also supposed to monitor his school attendance, which is interesting because he doesn't even go to school because he is was stuck on the homeschool roster. Now I have a judge behind me a bit and he does mostly comply when it's a judge telling him what to do- so I probably could get him to go with me for a community school - but seeing as how day treatment has just told me that he's too much to go to school at the hospital I sort of fail to see the point in even trying a community school. I know what he needs. I have him in line to receive what he needs. The judge, I assume, probably safely assume, will eventually mandate inpatient but that could take months….. But could get fast tracked once he fails out of the after school program- but that will result in jail. The things that drive me the craziest is the ping pong between mental health and substance abuse people/places, the fact that, having tried so many things, I often get referrals that send me in circles. Place A sends me to place B, place B sends me to place C and place C sends me to place A….. The fact that there is no way to really know what the consequences of taking legal steps are, because the system doesn't know itself. And plenty of other things too. His diagnosis's for years have been conduct disorder and cannabis abuse. The doesn't respond to consequences or rewards so I basically can't have rules. He just doesn't do rules. And not for lack of my trying. We are 5 years into this. I also get really mad when some new therapist sees one of his sunny, compliant periods and mistakes that for progress, rather than just a particular moment, to be appreciated for sure, but a particular moment in pattern. So, now. He's in line for a bed at a place that will keep him about a year, so long as he stays. And, while I totally get my powerlessness, if he doesn't go there he can't stay here. What I am unclear on is time line-- will I give calling children's services to come get him a few months- the course of the court case? Is there actually more than a .0001% chance of him being compliant enough with the after school program that he even makes it through the case? When I gave myself the day at a time message board name I gave myself the answer. I know what I am going to do tomorrow. Everything gets very convoluted and my thoughts get jumbled when I try to think past tomorrow. I love the "go where it's warm" slogan from alonon. That's the other thing I'm going to just keep doing. I'm not going to talk to people who will judge and shame me…. other than his Dad- and I'm only going to text him. (No, Dad won't take son.) That's my spew.