I thought I knew him :(

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by momofmany, Nov 19, 2017.

  1. leaving

    leaving New Member

    I am new here and I posted yesterday about my son and his depression and some things we found out by reading his diary and searching his phone. Yesterday we took his phone and did an extensive search - we searched everything on it. When I say I am beyond distressed by what I found he is looking at on a daily basis - I just feel I can't even function today. My son used to bounce around the house, always smiling, joking, laughing, loved going to church, loved hanging out with his sister and their friends, enjoyed school and now he's playing violent video games, he's following some disturbing people on YouTube - like really weird (I hate to be judgmental I really do) people, mostly in their 20's, he's messaging people through Instagram, he's watching perverted videos. And we haven't even searched his easy child yet!

    Every mom says their kid is a "good kid" and I want to say my son is a good kid, I don't even know him now, but when I speak of him a few years ago, what I knew of him, he was such a good kid and I don't know when the spiraling even happened - the anger he harbors is immense, he won't talk to us AT ALL, only small bits and pieces. I could barely look at any more content last night. I cried and cried. My 19 YO daughter gave me comfort, but she doesn't know the extent of her brothers problems.

    What did I do? Someone please tell me where did I go wrong? Did I not give him enough attention because I have a big family? I have a child with Asperger's and he needs a lot of attention, I have a daughter that was a preemie, now 7 who has Dyslexia and needs a lot of help academically, plays sports that I have to go to and my other teenage daughter is learning to drive and has SATs and I have to take her to work. I have health issues as well with chronic migraines, etc. Maybe he got lost in the shuffle?

    What made him want to look at content that's so perverted? Someone please just give me something to help me hold on.
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    This is not about you and what you did or didnt do. You did nothing to cause him to develop a sexual deviation. I am not talking about being gay. THAT IS NORMAL. Many normal people are gay. Looking at little kids body parts is a sexual perversion, but you had nothing to do with that. This just develops sometimes and has nada to do with not enough attention. Maybe someone outside your home sexually abused him. This can kick it off. But sometimes its a glitch in the brain. Good homes can spawn very problematic kids while the other kids are fine. Dont blame your parenting.

    Was he adopted, maybe at an older age? Is he a stepchild? Difficult birth parent? Did he have difficult early years?

    You are doing all you can. This has nothing to do with you. Dont guilt yourself. Is there a father? HIS father? To help you with this?
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  3. leaving

    leaving New Member

    Was he adopted, maybe at an older age? Is he a stepchild? Difficult birth parent? Did he have difficult early years?

    No, not adopted or stepchild. He is third of five. The only difficulty in the early years was a prolonged stay in the hospital by me with the youngest child being a high risk pregnancy.

    [QUOTE="Is there a father? HIS father? To help you with this?[/QUOTE]

    Yes, I've been married 24 years. We had a rough couple years about five years ago. We went to counseling and came back stronger. Not sure about sexual abuse? He was an altar boy from the time he was 5 until about 12 years old when he decided not to do it anymore. I was always VERY careful and always told the boys to beware and told them what to look for - red flags, etc. (I am no longer Catholic - the rest of the family is). We did have an uncle stay at our house for about a year or so... His Dad is very involved with the family. My husband are there for each other and are trying our best in our own way I guess.

    One other disturbing thing I need advice about - During room searches we found a steak knife beside his bed. I removed it and told his counselor. He claims it was for self defense if an intruder came in. (we have home security and two very LARGE dogs). So on occasion I go in and search. Today we found some weird spear/arrow thing under his mattress. I removed that too. I went through his closet and found another steak knife. I also found a water bottle that was half filled with urine.

    I have such a headache right now.
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  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Does,mental illness run in the family? This is also a possibility. He sounds paranoid, which can be a sign of schizophrenia. Not trying to scare you...it is treatable now with medication. Have you heard him talking to himself? Does he think things are happening to him that are not? Delusions? Moodswings?

    The teen years are a common time for mental illness to emerge in kids that were healthy. Check both sides of your family tree for possibly concealed mental illness in DNA family members.

    This, if the case, would also not be anyones fault.

    Lastly, are you certain no drugs are being used? Meth causes paranoia.
  5. leaving

    leaving New Member

    Unfortunately, mental illness does run in the family. My mother has a personality disorder. I have a first cousin who is a pedophile. Depression runs on my side of the family. On my husband's side he has a brother that is gay (and abusive).
    I can say with 100% certainty there are no drugs or alcohol. Because he is homeschooled he doesn't really go anywhere except to karate class and youth group.
    I've never heard him talking to himself, although he is completely absorbed by Star Wars. Has read a million books and is very much an "expert" if you will. Some of the books, looking back, I wish I hadn't purchased.
  6. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Shake any family tree and a few MH skeletons tend to fall out. None of us are with perfect family history.

    I am so glad to hear drugs are not involved. Getting help and an assessment is the best course of action.
  7. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Gay is not a disorder nor would that lead to your son's behavior. Gay men are no more likely to have sexual disorders than men who are not gay. But It is scary that pedophelia is in the family. Are you sure he was not abused?

    I am thinking that no book you let him read caused this. Sexual disorders, other than if he had been sexually abused, sometimes can not be explained.

    You are getting your son help, which is the best thing you can do. In the meantime I would not allow him to be alone with any younger siblings or any younger or smaller kids at all. If he touches or looks inappropriately at a neighbor child, you are talking about the police even at age 15. Dont take that chance, even if you dont think he acted on it. You cant know for sure.

    The child we adopted molested my two babies. They were too afraid of his threats to kill us all if they told us about him to let us know. And we had also talked to them about good and bad touches and how Daddy and Mommy would always believe them if they told us someone touched them wrong so please tell us if anyone did. But he scared them too much in many ways...they really believed he would kill us all if they told us.

    I have told my gruesome story many times here and am not up to repeating it now, but Im sure you could find it in the archives. I am very quick to warn parents to stop alone time contact between older kids who have sexual problems and their other kids. It is mandatory to protect the other children from him. Nobody knows what he is capable of doing or what he may have already done. And, no, it is not a given than ANY child will tell you if he hurt him/her. Shame, fear, terror and protecting someone they love can stop them. He must be watched at all times. No going outside with his siblings alone. No alone time at all.

    If he shares a room, move the other kid and lock all the bedroom doors at night. He should not have access to his siblings while you are asleep.

    If he were mine, knowing what I now know but didnt know before, I would remove his bedroom door so that you can see what he is doing at all times. I would not allow this son to own a cell phone or access the internet.

    You cant cure him alone, but you can get him help, diminish temptation and protect all of your other kids. And stop blaming yourself. You offered him a great life. Sometimes unexplainable things happen. This is not on you. It just is. Your other kids are fine. You are good parents.
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2017
  8. leaving

    leaving New Member

    I didn't mean to imply being gay was a disorder. My brother in law who happens to be gay assaulted a family member of mine who happened to be very vulnerable at the time. I guess I was clumping it together. My apologies. My head is just spinning right now. Thank you all for your advice. I just need some kind of peace right now or I lose it.
  9. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Leaving, welcome to our community and so sorry you are dealing with such a horrid situation. It is a shock and you need time to wrap your head around all of this.

    I want to echo what others have said, which is that none of this is your fault. Every childhood has bumps in the road. No parenting mistakes, which we all make, could possibly cause what you are describing.

    I am glad you are taking steps to monitor your son's online activities. That is an important first step.

    Would you consider cutting off his access to the Internet completely, taking his phone, etc?
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  10. welcome-mat-no-more

    welcome-mat-no-more New Member

    may I ask how old he is?
  11. GStorm

    GStorm Becoming Independent

    Leaving, God bless you. Look at my posts and you will see that you are not alone. I have been in shock over my son in the past months! I could have bet my paycheck that he eould always be honest and forth coming. I was in for a very rude awakening! I am still reeling over it in a lot of ways. Keep posting. You will get a lot of support & I will be glad to be one of them; as others have helped me.
  12. Baggy Bags

    Baggy Bags Active Member

    I know how incredibly terrifying it is when your child suddenly changes. My son was "such a good boy" too. He has also been homeschooled for the last 8 years.

    Right now you are in shock. You will feel despair, anger, sadness, rage, guilt... so many feelings. But, ultimately, you will focus on helping your son through this, whatever it is, and that focus will be, and needs to be, stronger than the feelings you are feeling. I know you probably can't think or see straight right now, but you are about to become an expert in your son's problem (again, whatever it is). You'll do everything you can for him, like we are all trying to, and you will learn that it wasn't your fault.

    This is the worst part. This is when you feel completely lost. There will be other very hard parts, like when you come to understand that he may never be the same boy again. Take care of yourself. Eat and try to sleep enough. Get therapy, or at least talk to supportive friends and family. Try to have alone time with your husband.

    I know this is hard. I was where you are just 9 months ago, when I lost my perfect son to whatever it is that took over him.

    Stay strong. He needs you to be strong. You're going to find strength that you didn't know you had. (((hugs)))
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  13. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Leaving. Hi. You have not posted for several months. I am only seeing your threads now. I am wondering how the psychological evaluation went for your son and how you are doing.

    We are all here for you if and when you decide to come back.