I went off on my daughter

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by MidwestMom, Mar 17, 2009.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Those who read the Watercooler know we have to move, but we CAN'T move into a house (or it looks bleak) because our credit score is only 600. Now even last month you can get an FHA loan with that credit score, but everyone is smartly upping it to 620 now so our chances are very slim on getting a loan for a house in our town. Which means that Miss Popularity, my daughter, who everyone looks up to will have to move with us to the one thing we CAN get financing for--a double wide in a trailer park. That will give us time to repair our credit to get a house in a few years, however this is not in her little town where she has lived and thrived in for six years. I feel sick about it. She and son are doing so well and I don't care if we have a sub-par home in this town, but we can't even do that. Or let's just say NOBODY IS OPTIMISTIC because we don't have credit cards. Isn't that nuts? And my rich father won't help us. It's not his responsibility to help us, I realize. But he won't even put his name on the house and let us rent from him. Or give us closing costs. He is a wealthy man, but he is what he is and nothing we say can change him.
    Last night my daughter heard about having to move to a mobile park, she burst into tears and started screaming. "No! No, I won't go. I'll go live with ______, but you can't make me go! I REFUSE!" Bottom line: Not only will she be further from her friends (although not THAT far), but the kids who live in trailer parks are called "trailer trash." It doesn't matter how nice the double wide trailer is: they are made fun of. My daughter is very popular. This ***** for her image. I realize that. I wish I could buy a house. Hub wishes we could buy a house. Renting is out because we have four dogs and even daughter doesn't want to put down the dogs. So here we were screaming at each other. I am not at my stable best. I am basically doing well with my 100 diagnoses, but this put me over the edge and I screamed back (unusual for me). It scared her when I started to cry and she said, "Ok, ok., Mommy, I'm sorry" but I wouldn't let her say it because I knew she really didn't mean it. She is really going to be devestated. No kid likes to move, but I realize how mean kids are and how living in a trailer park, even in a nice, spanking new trailer, will get her teased. So my own guilt stopped me from letting her say "I'm sorry." Hub took her out and drove her to the trailer park to see it. I don't think she felt that much better when she came back. Everyone went to sleep angry.
    Tomorrow I have an appointment with my social worker and my hub and daughter are coming with. I may tell her to admit me to a psychiatric hospital for a few days. I hate our local psychiatric hospital, but I need to calm down. I can't seem to get it together since our landloard (who was *ahem* selling us our house on Land Contract) decided that he was going to change the lease and make us get a mortgage or throw us out in the streets. At the same time I feel so selfish. THere are people on the streets who can't even afford trailer homes. Yet, my daughter haunts me. She has had a wonderful childhood so far. The last time I moved a daughter in eighth grade--guess what??? She felt lonely and alienated and took drugs.
    A part of me feels badly too because daughter was so quick to say "I want to live with ____", I want to live with ____."
    Calgon take me away. I cant do this. Sorry for the long vent. I am a rotten mother. And don't tell me I did the right thing. I didn't. But I have no idea what the right thing is. I am angry at me and hub for not having good credit scores. 600. If it were 620 we could get the loan.:sad-very: And no we can't fix it. Only our Dad has enough to clean it up and, trust me, he'd rather we live in the street than help us out. And, yes, he has a lot of money. He has always baffled me. He is very stingy. Ah, well. I can't expect him to hand out money either.
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    You are NOT a rotten mom. Your daughter is NOT going to use drugs just because she lives in a less than great place. If her friends only like her because where she lives, isn't it best she knows it NOW, rather than when she REALLY fell on hard times and needed them? Surely her character is strong enough to overcome this. Moving is NOT an excuse to do drugs, no matter WHEN you do it. The risk of doing drugs is there for every child no matter what.

    You really sound upset and not like yourself. I am glad you are seeing your sw . I hope you do get a few days to settle and get some help. I know this is upsetting, and your daughter made it worse. Wonder if now she is regretting someone SHE teased? That would be my first thought if a child reacted that strongly to moving. She doesn't have to like the trailer park. She just has to tolerate it. It won't make her a different person than she already is.

    If your lease is not up then how can the landlord change it? If you have a written lease with terms spelled out, then it is what it is. Most lawyers will give you a free consultation and it may be worth it to speak to one about this. Because what this owner/landlord is doing sounds a LOT like it is illegal.

    I am sorry things are so rough. Please know that you have all the strength and support I can send to you!
  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry things are so rough right now. I agree with Susie that she will not do drugs because of moving to a trailer park. I'm sorry she is so upset about this but she will do fine. It may take her some getting use to the change because it is something different for her.

    I think it's horrible that your landlord changed the lease on you-I'm guessing you don't have a written lease? I would be making sure I let everyone know what a horrible landlord he is.

    I'm glad you are seeing someone today. Please take care of you and know that I am sending good thoughts and prayers your way.
  4. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    sorry that you are facing this. It seems that more and more of us are being affected, or know someone being affected, by these trying times. I don't follow watercooler closely, so I am assuming you had a lease with an option that the landlord is calling in?

    The fact that it is tougher to get a loan is definately a sign of the times. In regards to your health, do what you need to deal. I agree with Susie and Sharon. Your daughter is a different person that your older and she will not react in the same way. There's a lesson in here somewhere....

    I venture to guess that your daughter will not be looked down upon because she has already established her "social status". Certainly kids can be cruel, but if she has her own little pose, I think she will be better off than you think.

    Keeping this situation in my thoughts.

  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    HI and thanks. We had a Land Contract and he went back on it. And our lawyer told us that he wrote it in a clever way to give himself enough wiggle room to at least fight us in court. We don't have the money to fight him and he has stolen from us (long story). We can't stay here, bottom line. I feel like this is our faults--me and hub's--for having sub-par credit because we qualify for the home in every other way.
    I really lost it on my daughter last night and I feel so bad. I can't remember ever losing it on her before. It was my own anger and frustration and I guess my anxiety disorder is breaking through the meciation with all the stress. I am also very depressed over this, mostly because of my child. Right now, no, I am not myself.
  6. Janna

    Janna New Member


    You, of all people I know, are NOT a rotten mom. You have done NOTHING BUT advocate, fight and work your rear end off for your children. I know it, people here know it, and you know it. I think you're incredible.

    I'm so sorry about the credit score/house ordeal. We are going through this, sort of, in a way too. Our landlord died, and his daughter swore up and down they weren't going to sell. 4 weeks ago, auction signs up, they're selling.

    SO's credit score probably isn't 520, let alone 620 LOL! So, we can't even *think* about a doublewide. We have to rent, there are NO other options.

    I totally understand what is going through N's mind, and why she feels the way she does. But, you know, there are going to be other kids that live in that community, there are going to be other kids that go to the school she will go to that live in that community. This isn't a 1970 14x70 you're looking at. This is a new home. She won't be trailer trash. And, somehow, if that's the choice that's made and that is where you go, she will have no choice but to learn to like it. And, quite honestly, I think if you go this route, if you have no choice, and you move in things will be OK. It's going to be a change. Change takes time. Does it stink? Yeah. But, I know you, and I know you will make sure that your children are taken care of and get what they need, no matter WHERE you live.

    Bad credit always comes back to you. I wish I knew that. Mine is the pitts right now too. I'm just very sorry. I'd let you guys come stay with us, but our School District...well, you already know.

    Hey, call me when you have a minute, I'll be home all week.

  7. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member


    I'm holding you close to my heart during this trying time in your lives.
  8. aeroeng

    aeroeng Mom of Three

    Some of my fondest memories were when we lived in a trailer home. I would have no problems going back. And, it was a small single wide with not enough room to move around in. But, I was a kid and not a teenager with social status issues. As difficult as it is, it would be better to move to the trailer and get your finesses in order. The economy is in the state it is now because mortgage holders were allowed to go way over their heads. You don't want to do that. Stretching to the ends of you financial limit would only make your credit score worse.

    - You need to address your emotional issues and find a way to reduce your stress.
    - Keep the double wide clean and nice. The nick name "trailer trash" comes through a miss understanding of how nice a trailer can be. Since your daughter is popular she should invite her friends over and help tear down that miss understanding. If they are real friends they will ether give her support of comfort or learn that "this is not that bad after all." Friends usually remain friends even when the environment changes.
    - Would it help to show your daughter others who are less fortunate? Volunteer at a homeless shelter of something?
    - Don't keep knocking yourself. Recognize when you are getting down or talking/thinking down about yourself or your situation. And try to turn it into something positive. Life in a trailer can be a lot of fun, but only if you believe it.
    - Find something that makes everyone laugh.
    - Post here when needed.
  9. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. Lots of wise advice here.. you are a GREAT mom trying to make the best of a bad situation. Hang in there.
  10. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    You and N need to work on a new sampler for the new home. A large ornate cross-stitch sampler that quotes John Lennon - "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."

    Sometimes life throws you a googly (cricketing term - I think it's like a curve ball).

    What does N want to be when she grows up? Because this could be something she can draw on. She still has a great deal to be grateful for - she will still have a solid roof over her head, and solid walls. They won't be made of cardboard or canvas. She will have a lock on the door of her home. She will have loving parents. Food on the table. Clean water. Access to a good education. Friends. Safety and security, with no wars being fought around her.


    A roof over your head is something to get down and kiss the ground for, if you've ever had to spend the night out in the open because you don't HAVE a home. If you've ever had to even CONSIDER the chance that you have nowhere to sleep tonight, nowhere to put your things that you can call YOUR space - you learn to be grateful.

    I was older than N when I got this lesson, but it was a scary lesson indeed. Everything I owned was stored in my friend's car and it looked like I was going to have to spend the night there too. It's not easy to stretch out and sleep in a Beetle VW, especially when your shopping bags of clothing are filling the back seat.

    Another time, I had a roof over my head but no bed to sleep on. The mattress I had been borrowing had been taken away by the person who owned it. So I went out onto the street and found a discarded old mattress with the springs poking through. I dragged it home, face scarlet with shame because I was sure everybody was watching me out their windows and wondering what sort of scavenging ghoul I was, prepared to sleep on someone else's dirty discarded mattress. I put it on the floor with the springs poking through to the side next to the floorboards. My shawl doubled as a blanket.

    I had felt very ashamed to have to do this, but even more than the shame was the knowledge that sleeping on floorboards would be very uncomfortable. The day when I had to finally compromise myself to tat extent, in order to have something softer than floorboards to sleep on, was the day I finally got a better perspective on just how tough it can be. And I was STILL way better off than many people.

    I hope she can finally come to terms with this change. And that you and husband can, too. Stop blaming yourselves, stop dumping on yourself over this or you will inflame N's wrong sense of entitlement. She has no right to talk to you that way or to be so critical and negative. Circumstances are what they are. Bad things happen. You didn't choose to be ripped off by your landlord.

    Look at the positives. You are all together. You will be able to feed yourselves, be secure, be warm, have clean water.

    It will be OK. But you are not doing this to her. Or to yourselves. It just IS.

    OK? No more guilt, no more blame. Just do what has to be done, and enjoy the adventure. When N has made her first million, she will be able to tell her staff that she got her education while she was living in a trailer.

  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    As always, Marg, you rock. (((Hugs))) Thanks for your perspective. I will try it on her.
  12. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    MWM, where one lives does not define who you are or what you will become.
    I do know that moving teenagers usually causes a great deal of trauma. Give her choices. She may still be traumatized but she will have some control.

    I know when we told easy child we were moving after he graduated from high school, he is still sort of feeling lost. He feels he has no home?!? There is something about change that sort of rocks teens boats.

    You are in a difficult position and are not there by choice. Ask daughter for input. Ask her to be part of the solution. She will see that you are doing the best thing you can. Her life will be difficult and awful if she moves and may trigger a downward spiral in behavior and attitude. it's happened before. You may want to address this with her. Help her to see where the family is and what your choices are.
    See if she can attend the same school so that the change isn't so overwhelming.

    I feel for you. We moved from a nice place to a nice place after easy child and difficult child were out of the home and they still felt the impact although not as hard as if they were still in high school. It's a tough place for both of you.
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry.
    I am quite familiar with-the term, "trailer trash."
    It is definitely hard for your daughter right now, during her teenage yrs. But she has no idea what you're going through, and will have no idea until she's your age. Most kids don't.
    You've gotten some great ideas here, as always.
  14. JLady

    JLady A ship lost in the night


    You have given me and others on this site tons of awesome advice. HOME is about the people who live under a roof. HOME is where the heart is. I have a plaque over my fireplace that says "HOME is where they love you no matter what".

    There are times in life when we simply cannot have what we want. We have to be thankful for what we have. Your daughter will adjust. Let her know that she is loved and you do your best. No one can ask any more than that of you.

  15. MWM, you are not a rotten mom, you were just dealt a rotten situation. You didn't put yourself in this situation, you didn't ask to have to move. You ARE doing the best you can given the circumstances. I hope you get some stress relief.

    Living in a double-wide isn't the end of the world (maybe to your daughter) I was actually looking into it too, because I want out of an apartment and I think I could get into one for less including space rent than I am paying for a 2-bedroom apartment. We are crammed in here, with my son's bed in the living room, but we are in a lease until the end of the year.

    Best of luck to you, and many hugs,

  16. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    I do understand... A couple of years ago some kids at school were calling difficult child 1 "trailer trash". Biomom had residential at that time and she, the 2 kids, and her mother were living in a 3-BR singlewide (I have no idea how that works, I never went inside), and unfortunately the area was somewhere I wouldn't walk my Pit Bull/Doberman mix at night! (OK, my dog's really a mutt, but still.)

    Now, husband and I have a house about 8 miles away, in a "nice" part of town. Not rich, by any stretch (the house next door is Section 8 county housing but the people there are awesome). But for the grace of God... Because if not for help from my family, we would still be in a 2-bedroom apartment.

    So I was talking to difficult child 1. It was really upsetting her that people called her "trailer trash". And I pointed out to her... It isn't where you live... It's how you act. There are celebrities who qualify as trash, no matter how much money they have and the mansion on the hill. And there are poor people who are super classy. It's all in ABC - Attitude, Behavior and Conduct.

    And she went back to school and told the kids who were teasing her that if they wanted to call her trash it was their choice but they would never get the chance to find out what kind of friend she could be. Later, she told me that about half of them dropped it. And she's still friends with them, through a residential change and a move.

    My grandparents lived in a doublewide. I'd love to have that place now. NICE!!!

    I'll be thinking about you... And your family. Moving teens is awful anyway (did it from TX to OH when I was 14).
  17. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Just hugs.
  18. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    It's funny - the term "trailer trash". We do have it in Australia, freely borrowed from the US we admit, but it isn't applied to people who live in caravans (which is what we call the dinky little things you pull along behind your vehicle). Instead, the term is applied to PEOPLE who qualify, usually by their behaviour. The emphasis is on "trash".

    In our little village we have had what I supposed you would call a trailer park. It had some transients (people on holidays - it was a lovely place, our village is a popular holiday destination) but mostly long-term residents, many of whom just couldn't afford to live anywhere else. And they were happy there, it was a lovely community within a community. The owner (now retired, which is why it no longer exists) is very active in the community as someone who fights for people's rights and to keep the town free from developers. He's a good man. One old lady who used to live there, was our babysitter of choice, because she had high standards for the kids, would make sure they did what they were supposed to when they were supposed to (including any homework) and who would even wash up for us! The kids really loved her too. She has recently moved into a retirement village on the edge of the Outback, because that is where her daughter lives. She misses our village and the ocean. She was typical of those living in the "trailer park".

    We do have trailer trash in town. They don't live in a trailer, they wear the latest fashions but they have such an attitude problem that many people give them a wide berth. Encounters with them can be unpleasant because they are so aggressive, they always act as if other people are out to have a go at them, which only alientates people even more. The girls have been involved in petty vandalism, they were tagetting easy child 2/difficult child 2 for a while even though they used to be friends in elementary school. But as these girls grew chubby and un-pretty (the diet of fat & carbs didn't help) and easy child 2/difficult child 2 would wolf down fat & carbs without gaining an ounce, they got very nasty to her. I make a point of waving to them, saying hello to them, but they've been increasingly frosty until now they mostly ignore me. I still chat to their mother when I meet her, we have always been friends. I'm hoping that as the girls leave teens behind, they will also move into independence and go outside the village and hopefully lose the trailer trash attitude and label.

    I do feel for the girls, life hasn't been easy for them. But when things are tough there are two options. The first is to let it make you hard and nasty, to use it as an excuse for not getting anywhere in life. The second option is to rise above it, to fight back and live a good life regardless of what you have to deal with.

    So at least over here, this side of the Pacific (and equator) "trailer trash" isn't about where you live, it's about your stagte of mind and your attitude to life and what it throws at you.

    I do like the quote someone gave above - "if you call me derogatory names such as trailer trash, you will never know what a good friend I could be to you."

    Way to go!

  19. Stella

    Stella New Member

    MWM i just want to reiterate that you are NOT a rotten mom and you have helped me and lots of others on this site with your wise words and support so just want to send you some ((HUGS)) back in return, and as Marg said I really do believe that happiness is not about where you live but about your mindset. Good luck!