ideas anyone? HELP SOS

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by helpangel, Jun 3, 2014.

  1. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    the past couple months life has just thrown more at me then anyone could handle, I should be inpatient right now but its just not possible... too many depending on me and no relief crew available to hold down the fort while I get myself together.

    i get everyone fed and force myself to eat but food has no taste. i sleep a couple hours a night but every time i sleep the dreams start and i wake up covered in sweat, shaking all over then spend the next several hours crying before i can suck it up, wash my face, put on the happy face and get on with my day.

    this is past herbal tea, scented candles, bubble baths, meditation, music and dance therapy, pounding nails into boards, smashing glass, ripping up phone books, punching and screaming into pillows or reading my anxiety and phobia workbook

    already got intensive in home therapy coming out twice a week, can anyone think of anything that might help, that i missed? almost forgot my teenage druggy past my body rejects any medications they try to prescribe to help me, can't even take xanax or valium 3 days in a row without getting hickups for like 6-8 hours.

    if anyone on the planet can understand what's going on with me, YOU ALL ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO WOULD GET IT! love you all and praying for all of us

  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time right now. Does the in-home therapist have any additional suggestions? I'd think I'd be sure they know what's going on.

    I don't have any solid suggestions but wanted you to know I was reading. Hugs.
  3. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    thank you so much for your response, i've been on the phone all day and have an appointment scheduled for tomorrow morning to get individual therapy for just me, by myself without the kids involved.

    in my life i spend so much time running myself ragged taking care of the needs of everyone else, i tend to forget the most important piece to the puzzle - like on an airplane when the oxygen masks drop down you need to put your own on first then you can assist others... silly me would drop dead while helping everyone else and just be a big old road block in the isle that hinders everyone else getting out

    i'll be ok its gonna take time and work but i'm gonna do the time so to speak and it is such a comfort to know i'm not all alone, thank you again for the hug, its just what i needed.

  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending hugs and some extra strength...I'll keep you in my prayers.
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Nancy, I have a mood disorder and anxiety and when things get too stressful I get overwhelmed like you. I really have to take good care of myself...nutritionally, exercise-wise, sleeping well...and peeling back my obligations to others. I have no choice if I don't want to become dysfunctional. You need to take care of yourself too. You can not keep everyone else going. Look what it is doing to you.

    I don't recall your entire story, but if your grown kids are still living with you and giving you grief, it is time to take a time out even if that means going to hotel or a kind friend's house. Anyone who takes care of everyone but herself/himself, and puts himself last, will eventually find his mind and body going to pieces, especially if he/she has any sort of mental health issue. It is our duty to know when the stress is too much and we have to tell our loved ones that for now they must take care of themselves.

    I hope your appointment is a good one. If you are on medications, make sure you are taking them. I find it helpful to see a therapist at least twice a month, even when things are going well. I call it my tune up.

    As I was writing to you, I just got a call from 36 and I know what he wants and the thought of talking to him just made my stomach clench with dread. There is more drama in his life and soon to be in mine if I allow it. I had a stressful day. I took Jumper to college and she signed up for her classes. It's a long drive. It was a long wait to get in to see the counselor. It is sad to me that she is now grown up,w hich is foolish, but my problem that I need to get over. I feel slightly down and I don't want it to spiral. Tonight 36 is going to face his current self-made crisis alone, even if I have to shut down the cell phone so that I can't see/hear him calling me. If 36 can stress me out this badly and he lives two states away, I can only imagine a difficult child living with me :)

    Take good care of you for now and put others on hold. Maybe write in a journal. THAT helps me too.....when I remember to do it :) ANd take care. Let us know how the appointment goes tomorrow.
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  6. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    thanks MWM I truly wish my body would tolerate medications, they've trialed me on just about every antidepressant available, side effects off the charts on some of them even the ones i'm not allergic to. effexor was the worst called 911 within 10 minutes of taking first pill, i thought was having a heart attack or something it turned out to be a severe hypertensive type reaction - every muscle in my body felt like a rubber band that was pulled to tight my skin hurt.

    also most of those medications are processed in the kidneys, i only have one and its compromised - results of 6 stab wounds years ago, add to that my ulcers and most medications are a big no no

    my folks have done so much to help me over the years, now they can't drive, my mom has forgotten how to use her stove or cook and when she shops needs me to check every item she puts in the cart, also needs help with the money part of paying for groceries.

    surprisingly my adult children aren't the ones that have pushed me over the edge it's the 17yo she tried to kill herself a couple weeks ago by taking a handful of lithium and seroquel. when i finally sleep, i get a couple hours then dream and there is my baby laid out in the coffin being put in the ground and i wake up totally freeking out. not sure how much lithium she took but had 1.8 level, seroquel guessing somewhere between 2000/3000 mg. its a miracle my kid is alive.

    i dropped the ball by not having those medications locked up properly and my kid could have died. then a stupid sw told my kid she didn't believe her and left her unattended in a room after we had been at the er since the day before stabilizing her for psychiatric admit. denied her access to a psychiatrist, treatment and practically dared her to do a better job next time she tries.

    even though my youngest is 17yo; mentally she is more like 10yo, she studies and works harder at school then any kid i've ever seen but still is education equivalent of a 3rd grader. a boy broke her heart and she made a poor judgement call.

    12 broken bones in my hand and can't take any form of pain medications, i got distracted and totally dropped the ball; it almost cost me my kids life. i won't let my guard down ever again, suicide is an area you don't get do overs and i somehow got one.

    i am going tomorrow morning into individual therapy, the in home is helping angel and i deal with the situation from a couple months ago that got my hand broken. some really bad stuff went down, not sure if your private message is disabled or you are in the state where it happened. i take back every time i ever said i named wrong kid angel when i needed her she really came thru for me and lived up to her name.

  7. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, helpangel.

  8. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Hugs, Nancy... I don't have advice but I want you to know I'm here and listening!!!
  9. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    thank you everyone for your good thoughts and hugs, it's a comfort to have people who understand; its just a shame we are spread all over the planet wish i could meet you all in person. i saw a therapist today got psychiatrist appointment scheduled for friday, then therapist again on monday... its good that i'm getting such prompt attention but kind of makes me wonder what's showing up on their computer screen that's making me get like top priority service?

    LOL my local police department probably has my name flagged because of the kids and if i'm not available to manage them they are going to need to issue extra patrols and authorize lots of overtime plus combat pay for their officers... just an idea but i got a real chuckle at the thought, and we all - all of us need to laugh anytime we can. thanks again everyone

  10. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Nancy, I am soooooooooooooo medication sensitive. I could only take low doses of antidepressants and sometimes even the low doses eventually caused really scary side effects such as inability to swallow or hallucinations. This is the story of my Paroxatine (Paxil).

    I went to a very highly regarded doctor from the University of Chicago which as you must know if very esteemed. I didn't expect much from him. I felt so depressed and stressed that I was suicidal and wanted to ask him to do electroshock therapy. That's how desperate I was. I never really wanted to die. And I was open to trying new things, even risky things, to feel better. He was known for his eCT and the patients in his office seemed to really like him.

    I had my appointment. and told him what I wanted. This was after over ten years of trying different medications for my mood disorder and anxiety. The few medications I coudl tolerate kept me alive...I waws only about 50% better though and I was still delpressed and anxious from the moment I woke up until I fell asleep...if I could. I told the doctor I wanted ECT. He told me a new drug had just come out and said to try it first. I knew it wouldn't work but he wouldn't do ECT unless I tried it first so I did, expecting it to do absolutely nothing or give me a terrible side effect.

    About six weeks later, I was new. I was brand new. I was in a normal frame of mind for the first time in years. After trying so many medications, I finally finally finally found one that worked. It was a miracle drug for me. In spite of not really wanting to die, I may have committed suicide without this drug. You can only feel uber depressed for so many years. I was burning out fast. I have been on it over twenty years and it is still great for me.

    So don't ever give up or tell yourself NO medication will help. MOST medications did not help me. Too many medications make me worse. Mood stabilizers...not for me. They make me a zombie. Paxil is da bomb for me and many people can not toelrate Paxil. Everyone's body is different.

    I did not have or need ECT.

    I just wanted to tell you that there is always hope. Dosage is very important. Some sensitive people need to take very low doses or they get toxic...and the low doses work.

    Whatever you do, besides never giving up, please take care of yourself. Maybe you need to go easy on things with Mom and Dad. You will not be able to help them at all if you end up in the hospital. I have walked in the deep dark shoes of a depressed person with high anxiety and I really feel for you and hope you can get the right help and be very, very, very good to yourself.

    We all care about you here. (((hugs)))
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  11. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    thank you MWM not just for the kind words but for reminding me of paxil it was one of the medications i couldn't remember, lexapro was another i failed on that i couldn't remember today.

    love my cvs pharmacy lady she gave me a phone number to call and they are putting in the mail a list of every prescription filled in my name for the past 14 years. now i'm just hoping that list gets here before friday when i see the psychiatrist, i know they have come up with new medications since i last trialed everything they had back then and hopefully psychiatrist can look at list and what problem was with each to get a better idea of what's new that would be good for me to try.

    i'll never give up trying to find a magic pill that makes me feel normal, whatever normal is?

    actually taking them to the grocery store has turned into one of the highlights of my week, i really look forward to it. spend time with my folks then after shopping sit down with both of my siblings and we all have lunch together, its kind of like a family meeting without our kids or like getting the old band together for a jam session.

  12. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I hope you're feeling a little better Nancy.

    I've had to put major emphasis on my own needs over the years, like many of us here. With recent traumas in your life it will help tremendously to get your own therapy so I'm glad you are doing that.

    A couple of things have helped me over the years............ acupuncture has helped so much because it works to calm you from the inside, little by little the stress levels drop and you feel much more relaxed. Often acupuncturists will administer herbs which can be powerful agents. Cleaning up my diet worked too. I eliminated sugar, alcohol, gluten, dairy and soy, all of which can have an impact on moods and stress. You don't have to eliminate them all, you have to be the judge of what you think may not work well for you.

    I take supplements, there are some that help with long term chronic stress and help to relax the body. If you are interested PM me and I'll give you the rundown that worked for me. I lean towards holistic stuff, it works well for me.

    You can also get body work, which does more then simply relax you, it does have healing properties. Massage and reflexology work. You can do Yoga and meditate too. You can get guided meditations on Youtube, just click on relaxation or fear or anxiety or whatever and a bunch will pop up. It helps. You can write down your feelings. In the book The Artists Way the author recommends a practice called the Morning Pages. You write 3 handwritten pages each morning, sort of like a brain drain, anything at all, anything that you want to write about, it really helps. If you take a walk daily, for just 11 minutes, it brings on a mood change.

    I found great solace in any book by Pema Chodron.

    For me it wasn't one thing that worked, it was a combination of many things, many changes I made to take care of me, to put myself first, to put the focus on me and what I need and want. You've sustained a blow. It is necessary to make sure you get your needs met and do everything possible to give your body and your mind and your emotions the care necessary to get back into balance. Practice deep breathing as many times a day as you can because fear brings on shallow breathing and shallow breathing is detrimental for everything, take deep breaths as often as you can think of it, put sticky notes all around the house to remind you to BREATHE.

    And, keep posting. It helps to keep telling our story. As many times as it takes to relieve the charge of it.

    Sending you caring thoughts and hugs Nancy. And, remember to laugh, laughter is very healing........
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  13. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Many Gentle (((((( HUGS))))))
  14. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    thanks everyone I agree with what RE said about several different things combined to help down that healing path. which that is what was scaring me i was doing everything in my arsenal of stress management stuff, yes by all means send me a list of supplements etc that has worked for you.

    handwriting anything is still several months away, but i do have like a computer journal. computer journal works well because i can later delete pity party stuff or rewrite stuff that was said wrong the first time around.

    i do ok during the day but it was when i went to sleep and had those awful dreams... over and over, then waking in full panic mode... i knew it was time to go for help. i'll admit i'm kind of scared at the idea of medication trials with me again, but at least i'll try. the strength from all of you has helped me immensely.

    the county knows they messed up big when discharged my youngest; her rights were totally violated and her mama didn't just stomp her foot she filed a formal complaint with the people who sign sw's paycheck. that woman will never be allowed patient contact, i won't stop until i'm satisfied as far as she goes. its for the next teen who goes thru those doors. she made mistakes that should never have happened and i will make sure it never happens again.

    wow i feel like i might actually sleep before 2 am tonight, i just hope i'm not back up at 5 hey i just thought of one i haven't tried yet i'll get out my old cost accounting textbook from college that never failed to put me to sleep before LOL.

    thanks again everyone i knew you all would understand.

  15. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Nancy, as much as you probably have NO desire to exercise (as I didn't when I was uber depressed) exercise has been shown to be a great antidepressant!!!!

    Check in and let us know if you are better today, ok? Lots of love to you.
  16. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    thank you i'm doing pretty good today, didn't wake up crying for once so that's a good sign.

    my daily workout consists of general stretching, 100 jumping jacks, 10-20 push ups then i do a couple kata's its like a organized short karate dance, then some yoga for the cool down. gets the heart rate up, works up a sweat and gets everything stretched and kept in working order; the karate moves remind the kids even though i'm old if it comes to a throw down i will win. so they know better then to go there with me LOL

    looking forward to my psychiatric evaluation tomorrow, wow can't believe i just said that! if they came up with a new medication to try, i'm willing to try it with a open mind. i'm just glad i finally bit the bullet and am getting some therapy for just me without the kids attached to it. going thru community mental health i'm now eligible for support groups, job club and all kinds of wonderful supports that angel said no thank you to last year. so today the future is looking much better. thank you all for being here i love this website

  17. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm glad to read you're feeling better Nancy. Let us know how the psychiatric evaluation goes. Sending hugs and peaceful thoughts for you.........
  18. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I am going to remember this for difficult child daughter, MWM. Thank you for posting so honestly. You have helped me to know how to respond to my daughter. I always remember you posting that an illness is not an excuse. Now, I have this true thing that I know, too.

    difficult child daughter is sensitive to medications, too.

    That is a really nice thing, Nancy. I love that.

    Posting has saved and comforted and taught me how to hold myself safe and be strong.

    We are anonymous here, Nancy. Post at will.

    Good for you, Nancy.

    Isn't it something that we never really come to know one another, but that we help one another change and feel strong enough and cherished enough to risk the growth we all come to experience here?

    I am so glad I found this site.

    There are definitely people who should not be involved in the helping professions. difficult child daughter was recently told by a Physician's Assistant that if she did not want to sustain further brain damage, she shouldn't let people kick her in the head.

    (For those who don't know, difficult child daughter was beat almost to death last November. There was brain damage which seems, thankfully enough, to be resolving.)

    difficult child, brain damaged or not, reported the P.A.

    The horrible damage to her sense of self cannot be undone.


    Me, too.

    Oh, cool.

    I like the support groups and job club idea so much. Know what I miss most about working? That everyone (but the doctors and sometimes, the patients) was nice to me, and they gave me money.

    I used to get such a charge out of seeing a paycheck with my name on it.


    I was a mom at home for like, forever. Then, I went back to work. Then, I went back to school.
    Then, I went back to work again.

    Are you thinking about going back to school, helpangel?

    Good, good, good.

    Me, too.

  19. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    thank you cedar, i hope your daughter makes a full recovery. years ago i got kicked in the head with a steel toe boot and can still function to post this, the blind spot in the upper right quadrant of my right eye is probably there for life as a result of it; but just means i need to roll my eyes a lot when driving or end up burning red lights.

    i hope job club can help me figure out a way to work from home, that is what i really need. met with psychiatrist friday it went well classic ptsd but they are going to hold off on medications for now, medical issues and i can't afford to get the viscous circle thing going again.

    therapy will help also, i am concerned they didn't name that social worker in my complaint so i need to call and have that added it's not the whole system i'm mad at ITS HER. i would hate to have to file civil suit against the county just to get one dangerous woman no contact but if thats what it takes i'm gonna do it, on behalf of the mom of the next kid her incompetence kills.

    i got therapy again in the morning so will have more to post then. i am concerned about who is going to supervise the girls while i do therapy, but will figure something out.

    thanks again for you kind words