If I move out, does difficult child "win"?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, Jun 1, 2008.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I have had a very bad wk with-difficult child. husband has stepped up to the plate in the past 2 yrs but only after I threatened to move out. And what he's done seems to be too little, too late. Tonight he gave difficult child back his TV privileges after grounding him off of TV, and the child psychiatric specifically told us NOT to let him earn back things like that, to stay strong. That makes me very angry. On top of it, every time I turned around husband let difficult child run around with-his friends and totally ignored difficult child's chore list. husband insisted he could do it later. We are NOT on the same page.
    I made the mistake of making a sandwich for difficult child as he was watching his "forbidden" TV, and it wasn't the exact sandwich he wanted and he slammed the plate onto the coffee table. I screamed at him and made him go to his room. He had already eaten dinner and I refuse to wait on him--I should not have made that extra sandwich and I am mad at myself for doing it.

    His room reeks of urine because he's wet the bed so many times and no matter how hard we bleach it, it still stinks. He's got half a window because the bottom half is being repaired from when he broke it with-the baseball. His room is fill of :censored2:

    This whole thing goes around and around and I am completely out of energy. Especially since husband won't stick to his guns. He spent time with-difficult child this weekend, and supervised the matches, but he refuses to act like we're a couple and just does whatever he wants to when it comes to difficult child. He took difficult child to some kids church sports activity and didn't even tell me about it--just left an advertising postcard on the kitchen counter and assumed I'd see it.

    We have been in counseling with a marriage therapist and a child psychologist. Right now I feel like it's all been.

    So, the truth of it is, I was planning to move out in a year, when easy child goes to college. That way, husband will be left alone at home with-difficult child.

    I'm thinking of doing it sooner. I don't think I can last another yr. I just want out of this madhouse.

    But will difficult child think he "won"? How many of you have moved out and what was your difficult child's reaction?

    Who knows, he could be totally shocked and feel like I've abandoned him. But I am more concerned that he'll see it as a victory. If that is the case, I cannot leave.

    I don't know what to do.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, in my opinion the priority isn't who "won."
    You have an 11 year old son, who has a lot of problems. He could possibly be on the spectrum and is not a typical child and may not respond to normal therapy...is he getting any sort of help in school or the community?
    Although he sounds like a very difficult child, I don't think that getting into a power struggle with him is helpful. If you can't handle it anymore and think husband can better take care of him, then you have the choice of leaving. I wouldn't think twice about the "winning" issue. This child in my opinion is not trying to drive you out--he is an atypical child and he's the loser no matter what you do because nobody seems able to figure him out or to help him. Although I understand why you are angry at husband, I also understand his compassion for the child and perhaps his disbelief that the therapists advice is useful. If my therapist had told me to cure my son of lighting matches by lighting 500, I don't think I would have done it. In fact, I would have probably thought that the therapist was loony. Some kids, with issues like your son, are fascinated with fire and I would have wanted to know why and to get more useful help than doing that. It sounds like the therapist is thinking he does everything out of defiance and I could be wrong, but I don't agree with that at all and lighting all those matches in my opinion could be dangerous.
    Whatever you do, in my opinion don't make it a power struggle between you and your boy. in my opinion again, this little guy needs more evaluating and more help than he is getting. I would take him to a different neuropsychologist. Sometimes it takes more than one, and more than one evaluation before you get a good picture of what is wrong. Whatever you decide to do, good luck.
  3. Christy

    Christy New Member

    Wow Terry,

    I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I know from reading your posts that things have been very difficult lately with difficult child. How frustrating that husband is not supporting you. It totally makes you the bad guy. It sounds like you are really trying but at this point you are the only one. I hope you can talk this out with husband and it makes a difference.

    Any chance you can get a way for a few days and de-stress?

    I hope you can work something out.
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    Hugs. You know I think when we are backed into a corner we try to rationalize our position. Did I get into a corner on my own, did I have help, did someone put me here??? And as rational thinking people we often get left with the one thing that seems most rational to us and that is to leave. As a rational thinking person of COURSE we think "I left, and he stays, he wins." but I have to agree with MWM that it's not a matter of winning or loosing. Your kid doesn't see it that way - only you do. I think we'd like to think our kids think that way because it at leasts makes leaving have an after thought. I left, he wins. When in reality it may be that all of you win if you leave.

    I told Vickie the same thing about Aly. It had gotten to a point with her husband not being on the same discipline page as her that she felt totally alone. Aly's disabilities had reached epic proportions, Vicky was being battered in her own home by a 10 year old and her husband had little and next to nothing to say about it. When your mate lets you down in that manner with regards to rearing children? It's hard NOT to feel ill towards them. Add a difficult child who's being allowed to break the rules and no one but you to enforce them in a 2 parent home and it's a recipe for utter failure and disaster - and everyone looses. I still maintain that with Dude - and not having any friends or family around to help, and had DF decided that how to raise him was not HIS problem? I'd be in the nut house.

    At one time I had said I would also leave. It was too much. My health has taken such a nose dive in the last 7 years I don't even know who I am any more. And it got to the point where I finally said to a caseworker - it's either HIM or ME going - and with that DF spoke up and said - If YOU go? I'm gone. And we realized that Dude needed more help than we could give and filed for an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and 8 months later - got one. The first time he came home - we refused respite and of course - now know better. Sometimes the solution isn't anyone leaving - but without a united front with your husband - things are going to unravel a lot faster and that's not fair to difficult child.

    Have you considered therapeutic foster care for a short term break for everyone? They are parents who are trained to deal with our difficult child and their issues. As far as the urine smell? Out would go the carpet - in linoleum or tiles. OUT with the mattresses - and in with a fresh new box and mattress completely wrapped in plastic. His clothes would get washed in BORAX and his dirty clothes hamper would be in the laundry room. After every shower - clothes go HERE (points to basket in laundry room) and i would wash his stuff every other day - including blankets and sheets. Enuresis is a pain.

    I don't know when you tweaked his medications last or if his medications may cause the urination - but you know best what you've been doing. Maybe a break would be good to allow YOU to recharge your batteries, give husband a chance to miss you, and give both of you enough time to have a date night - and come to an agreement about how you intend on parenting difficult child in the future.

    Hugs - not easy I know.
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    It seems like you are having separate issues with your husband. If he won't do what he agrees to with the therapist, that's not an issue with your difficult child, that's an issue between the two of you as parents.

    That being said, does difficult child win? I don't think so. At least, I wouldn't let him think so. He needs to understand that the world doesn't revolve around him, and sometimes the unhappy things in life where people don't work together are just between those other people, even if it's a disagreement about how one of them deals with him. It's a trust issue between you and husband. Believe me, when difficult child is gone, you and husband will have the same issues, they'll just be about something else.

    I hope that you can get husband on the same page as you. You have been through a lot, but I know that sometimes enough is just enough.

    {{{{{{Big Hugs}}}}}}}
  6. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I am so sorry you are feeling so completely overwhelmed and just done with the whole situation. I can appreciate what it's like have a husband who is not on the same page. It was like that here for about the first 13 years of our parenting career and it's only been in the past 6 months (since lovely Lamictal) that I feel like my husband is finally seeing the light.

    But I digress.

    I don't have much in the way of specifics to offer with your particular situation. Perhaps a solo vacation would do you good -- help you blow off some steam, refocus on your personal priorities, boundaries, goals, let husband flounder with difficult child for a bit to taste the reality of it all and hopefully understand a little better?

    I do have a tip for the urine problem. At pet stores there is a product called Simple Solution. It's non-toxic, safe for most fabrics and has a pleasant scent. You just squirt it all over the soiled fabric and let it dry. It breaks down the odor-causing substance and the by-product is carbon dioxide and water. Works great for vomit too :) Before I had kids, I had two retarded cats that preferred my carpet over their litterbox, so I went through gallons of this stuff. Then when the kids came along, I found the leftover stuff under my kitchen sink when somebody had puked in bed one time and it got rid of the stench completely! Worked when they wet the bed, too. And no, I don't own stock -- it just worked so great for such an annoying problem.

    Hope you get some time to take care of you and then maybe you can regroup and come up with a long-term plan that makes sense for you -- even if it isn't what everyone else wants.

    Hang in there!
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all.
  8. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Terry -

    I'm sorry things are still going the way they were.

    I think this is two separate issues. I don't think difficult child will feel like he's won because I don't think that is his goal. I think he loves you and he's just figured out - as all kids will - that he can manipulate dad.

    However, if you need to leave for yourself - for your own mental and emotional well-being that is a different issue.

    I wish I had better words. I can't imagine parenting in a 2 parent household. I'm so used to parenting myself that if someone came in and started changing the rules and not being on the same page, I'd probably lose my mind.

  9. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Heather took the words right out of my mouth. I too could not imagine another adult in my house trying to discipline Tink.

    I also agree that if you leave, it is not a matter of difficult child winning. I am so sorry that it has come to this.
  10. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I totally agree that this is not a win situation. I don't even see it as a power play by your son. I do see it as a young man who isn't stable and a therapist who's a total idiot (sorry, but the match burning thing was just ridiculous in my opinion).

    Your husband needs to quit taking the easy way out and step up and help his son. Maybe the best thing you can do is step back and just be the mom who cuddles him when he needs it, laughs at his bad jokes and sillness, just enjoys him. Tell husband all discipline is on him. Maybe that will help change things a little.

    However, if you feel the need to leave, don't factor in a "win/no win" scenario. Leave because you truly feel it is the best thing for you. Be there for your son as much as possible. Do your best to have a friendly relationship with your husband regardless of where you're living. It will make things much easier for everyone.

    I hope you can find a way to get your son at least a little more stabilized and may your husband start seeing that he needs to work with you, not against you or parallel to you.
  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It is so hard if someone isn't on the same page as you. Others have given good advice, just sending some supportive hugs your way. We're here for you no matter what.
  12. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I think the situatgion with husband is possibly more complex. Also, it IS connected to difficult child, I feel.

    What about turning this on its head and thinking from husband's point of view? I'm not saying he's right - just that from his point of view, HE feels unsupported.

    It sounds to me like this therapist does not have husband's confidence. ANd if MWM is right, I can see why. Terry, have you and husband argued over the therapist's instructions? Are you insisting on following the therapist's instructions while husband is not happy? Or did husband not even try to talk about it with you, but just went ahead and did things his own way?

    If husband didn't even talk to you about it, then you need to talk to him and say, "If you have so little confidence in therapist that you make your own decisions that go against therapist's advice, then maybe we shouldn't be wasting money on this therapist."

    I suspect that maybe at some stage in the past, husband expressed concerns about this therapist's advice. If he has got to the stage where he ius ignoring you as well as ANY professional advice, then he is being a bit of an ostgrich and really needs to get out and find some GOOD advice he feels safe with. Also, if he feels so strongly that he is determined to be the one making the decisions, he needs to make thisclear to you and YOU need to make it clear to him that you are stepping back to let HIM do ALL the parenting (in order for it to be consistent).

    You and husband need to talk, even if it's just the talk you have five minutes before you walk out the door when you do the final handover. "The spare key is under the mat; the garbage goes out on Monday night; don't forget to pay the milkman."

    You need to say, "You have been making unilateral decisions concerning difficult child and this makes me seem the ogre when I try to enforce the recommendations from the therapist. I say no; difficult child goes to you and you say yes. This undermines me and doesn't help difficult child see the world as balanced, nor does it make him see the need for being accountable. So, for the sake of getting it right (and consistent) for difficult child - I am stepping out of all parenting for him. He is now entirely your responsibility. You need to feed him, wash his clothes, supervise homework, keep him clean, get him to appointments etc. If I do any of these things then I risk undermining your decisions. Part of this is going to involve consequences and for this, it needs to be a united decision. In the absence of you and me being a united front I now cede all authority and responsibility to you. I will come back on board andshare the workload when you request it and when you and I once more work as a team."

    Say it without rancour and then make sure you entirely detach. No more making sandwiches; no more insistence on rulesbeing followed. Maybe if husband is overloaded and you're free, you could (if asked nicely) take difficult child to wherever he needs to go, but otherwise let husband be the parent who controls the decisions and then picks up the pieces. If things go haywire you need to be sufficiently detached so husband & difficult child can't blame you.

    It won't be easy - the temptation to step back in and pick up the pieces saying, " I KNEW you couldn't do it - NOW do you see how hard it has been for me?" will be very strong, and it will mean all your angst was a waste of time. husband has to discover this for himself and come to you and ask you to step back in. Only then will he be more likely to work with you.

  13. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I am so sorry.
    You mentioned marriage counseling. Did it help? It seems to me that there are still serious issues going on here. Was your husband cooperative when you went previously? Did you like the person you worked with? Did the person you were working with have some knowledge of what a difficult child is all about? I would SERIOUSLY consider going back to the marriage counselor or find another one. Ask around and find someone who has a clue what a REAL difficult child is all about and how straining it is for couples. And find someone who has a top notch reputation for working with couples.

    husband and I had some issues trying to work with our difficult child during a time when our other child was acting up. Two kids acting out at the same time was TOOOOO MUCH. The counselor helped us tremendously. We still go to see her about once a year and we LOVE IT. We might be a little unsual...but nevertheless, her advice and counsel was priceless.

    I don't know if your difficult child would see this as "winning." However, it is very possible that it could subconsiously convince him that he is "damaged goods" and someone the family wishes to abandon.

    If you need time to yourself, I would consider taking a short vacation. Perhaps a long weekend away visiting relatives or with a girlfriend. In addition, I would hire top notch babysitters and get out with your husband on a regular basis. Go out to a movie. If possible, go away together for a day or two. When you don't nurture the marriage relationship, there is less incentive to work through difficulties. If you don't do this once in awhile...you are asking for trouble. Time alone with your spouse is very important and it might be even more improtant if there is a special needs child in the house.

    However, first a foremost...I would go back to the counselor and do the hard work to get through this. He or she is trained to help both of you understand how to support each other.

    One more thing...I would consider buying some sort of plastic cover for the mattress so liquid can't penetrate. If it is exceptionally bad, you might want to buy a new mattress and then cover it with the plastic cover. Then, consider buying several bottom sheets and a small quilt that fits in the machine. Don't use a top sheet. When he soils the bed, just wash the sheet and the little quilt. It would only be two items. You might want to teach him to make the bed. It would be easy to do...since it is only the two items and possibly a pillow case. Place a little bear (or toy)near the pillow for decoration. Bottom line: don't let the actual mattress get ruined. Cut back on the laundry. Get him to help out so that your work is greatly reduced...if not eliminated. Is he on any medication that might help with the bedwetting? I know that there is an rx that often helps with this...if you haven't already done so, I would ask the Dr. if your son can take it.

    Hang in there...
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all.

    I drove to Fredericksburg with-easy child today to check out Mary Washington University. It was just what the dr. ordered. We got to campus 1-1/2 hrs b4 her appointment with-the dir of the art dept, so drove to the historic downtown area and had lunch at a French restaurant. It was heaven. She thinks difficult child is a little bit aspie, too, just very, very highly functioning. We talked a bit, shopped a bit, then she went to her interview and I fell asleep outside next to a fountain for an hr! Heaven.

    This is the 4th mattress I've purchased for difficult child. Yes, he can take Desmopressin, but we were trying to train him not to wet the bed. He is guaranteed to wet it if he eats pizza for dinner (wheat and cheese) or if he impulsively drinks a glass of juice b4 bed (sometimes he does it on purpose just to be ornery). We've already got a routine of having him strip the bed and throw the sheets in the laundry but sometimes he insists he didn't wet the bed and distracts us ... can't believe we are still battling this.

    Stripping the bed is on his list of chores every day. If he finishes his chores every day, he gets a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. If he does all his chores every day, then on Friday he gets a larger reward. So far, he hasn't made it to Friday having done everything yet.

    I think our therapist needs to be more aggressive. The best session we ever had was several months ago when difficult child was having too many meltdowns and the therapist literally sat and yelled at difficult child and said, "No more drama!" difficult child was an angel for a whole month.

    by the way, after having read "Look Me in the Eye," and "A Wolf at the Table," reading what a slob the aspie was (major bo, didn't care what he wore or if he showered), and how he liked physical pressure, and having his wife drape her leg across him at night for the weight, it sounded just like difficult child. difficult child is so social, compared to most aspies, people question it, but if you've lived with-him long enough you can see the similarities.

    husband and I talked tonight and he thinks that grounding difficult child from TV and computer for 2 wks for sassing me about that sandwich is too harsh. He thinks for difficult child to be denied his Fri night wrestling on the last day of school, when he's bouncing off the walls, will cause a meltdown. I agree in one sense, but in another, think we need to show difficult child we mean business. I'm supposed to be sleeping on it but you can see that isn't happening ...

    In regard to the marriage counseling issues, we've been through this b4 easy child was born. It's a long and winding road, way too much to type on this bb. If I can stick it out until the kids are both out of the house, so much the better. But nights like the other night are sometimes just too much. husband has always been too independent ... in fact, when we took a class b4 we were married, we had to write down the word that best described our reason for being married. I said "Companionship." He said "Autonomy." Say what? You'd think I would have seen the writing on the wall.
  15. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I can seee both points. difficult child does need a physical outlet; you need some consequence for him sassing you.

    I'm a very firm believer of the punishment fitting the crime, especially for Aspies. Natural consequences. Otherwise it doesn't get seen as punishment, it is seen as vengeance. And the trouble with it being seen by the child as vengeance - they waste all their energy on resentment with none left over for, "What should I be learning from this?"

    We did a lot better when we stopped reacting aggressively to difficult child 3's aggressive verbal outbursts. What used to happen - difficult child 3 wouold shout at usbecause something wasn't quite right, we would react with, "Don't you dare talk to us like that!", difficult child 3 would yell even more, it would escalate until it ended with us having to punish difficult child 3. The initial trigger - never deralt with. The lesson - what lesson? He would be seething with indignation and a strong sense of injustice while we would be seething at the shocking behaviour and the stress of it all. And it would all happen again - next day, or even next minute.

    "Explosive Child" taught us a lot. Once I worked out that the outbursts were often triggered by frustration and panic combined, I learned to take a step back.

    Example: [same sandwich scenario]

    Parent: Here is the sandwich you wanted.

    difficult child: You did it wrong! I wanted it cut into triangles, not squares! Now I have crust on three sides of each piece instead of one! And you put tomato sauce on it instead of barbecue sauce - I'm not eating that!

    Parent: You don't want it? I did it wrong? If you want it done exactly how you want it then you should make it yourself. I'll take this sandwich and find someone who will appreciate it more. [parent leaves]

    Outcome - no escalation, but natural consequences are, the child has to make his own sandwich or go without. Making a sandwich is not a big chore, but a chore nevertheless.

    But what about the disrespect? We don't pretend it hasn't happened. However, when switching to this technique we did swallow a lot for a while until he had learned to focus on the problem itself and not escalate. So here is the same scenario, as it happens in our house now -

    Example: [same sandwich scenario]

    Parent: Here is the sandwich you wanted.

    difficult child: You did it wrong! I wanted it cut into triangles, not squares! Now I have crust on three sides of each piece instead of one! And you put tomato sauce on it instead of barbecue sauce - I'm not eating that!

    Parent: Did you ask me to do it that way? Let's try this again, shall we? Now, I have just done something nice for you by making this sandwich, I really didn't have to. OK, I didn't make it exactly how you wanted it, but I still spent MY time doing something for YOU. Now, how should you handle this? "Thank you mother, for making me this sandwich."

    difficult child: But you did it wrong!

    Parent: OK, we will deal with that next.Now say after me, "Thank you mother..."

    difficult child [grumbling]: Thank you mother, for making my sandwich. But you did it wrong!

    Parent: Now for the next bit. I did it wrong. I'm sorry, we all make mistakes sometimes. You should say, "Mum, I didn't want it this way. Can you please fix it how I like it?"

    difficult child [now following the pattern - in sing-song way] Mum, I didn't want it this way. Can you please fix it how I like it?

    Parent: Certainly son, since you asked me so nicely. I can't take off all the tomato sauce but I can put barbecue on top of it so you won't taste the other stuff. ANd if you don't mind smaller pieces, I can cut it into triangles. Watch! [parent cuts each small square in half diagonally]

    difficult child: [calmly] Thanks Mum.

    Outcome - storm averted, but lesson in manners was still delivered and politeness restored - without a storm. difficult child also learned that it's OK to admit and apologise when you make a mistake; that mistakes can be rectified (or at least minimised); that respect and politeness is important; that when someone does something nice for you, even if they get it wrong, you should be gracious about it; andabove all, that parents are helpers and not obstacles to be fought.

    Through this second scenario, you need to be prepared to back off and put it in Basket C if the lesson is not working. But for us, we've been able to increase the social pressure to this point because difficult child 3 has increasingly been able to handle it.

    The intialscream and rage - I don't react now. Generally once he calms down, difficult child 3 will apologise these days before I need to say anything. And a big plus - other people now comment on how polite he is, because he's learnt that if WE insist on respect being shown (by coaching him through it gently) then he should show even more respect to people he doesn't know as well.

    Mind you, he still gets it badly wrong. This afternoon we drove his best friend and friend's mother K to the psychiatrist appointment (they had the appointment after us). We have a big vehicle. Because we live in a tiny isolated village, a trip to the "mainland" is a special event and we use it to advantage. K did her grocery shopping while we saw the doctor. Then while I got back into the car K was standing outside the car talking on her cell phone. difficult child 3 leaned out the window and yelled, "K! get in the car NOW!"

    Thankfully K is very forgiving. She acted like she hadn't noticed. I scolded difficult child 3 and said, "That sounded very rude! She is talking on her phone, I will wait for her. There is no rush. You shouldn't speak to her like that."

    difficult child 3 had reacted not out of rudeness, but out of panic - he was scared I would drive off without K (not going to happen). He apologised to K when she got in the car.

    UNderstanding that difficult child 3 was reacting out of fear meant I handed it differently. I didn't tell him to not be rude, instead I told him that it SOUNDED rude. I knew rudeness was not intended - but it sounded that way nevertheless.

    Outcome - he learned to moderate his tone, and he also learned that I will not abandon a passenger, I'm more aware than he gave me credit for.

    If your son is Aspie, it could account for a great deal. difficult child 1 was shocking when it came to personal hygiene. We had to remind him to deal with bowels. I had to threaten that I would get into the shower with him to wash his hair, if he didn't.

    With both boys, toileting was a huge problem. A big part of it was lack of body awareness. Another big part of it was not recognising the importance of it. It just wasn't important - to them.

    An important part of becoming a facilitator for the child instead of him seeing the parent as an obstacle - we involved the boys in decisions about them. We began this as early as we could - difficult child 3 was 8 when we finally were able to begin to explain to him about autism. And I remember with difficult child 1 when he was struggling at school, we involved him in the decision to change schools. We pushed a bit, but made sure he felt heard. We finally said, "I know you don't want to leave friends here. But you can see them on weekends. You will make more friends at the new school and your sisters are already there. Why not just try it for one term, then we will see how it is all going?"

    With your difficult child, I would sit with him and talk things through, as you did with husband. Talk openly and frankly about the problems. No blame - just "these things are happening. We understand you don't have the same degree of physical control and there are other factors affecting all of this. We want to work together on this to find a way to help you, and to make things work in a good way."

    For now, I would be setting things up to make it as easy as possible for yourself. Again, keep husband & difficult child in the loop, but get the plastic-covered mattress (although we found vinyl is better - it doesn't rustle, it's heavier and stays in placed better). Changing beds - yes, difficult child should be able to strip his own bed. He may not want to admit to having wet the bed; he may not always be sure he has. He also is likely to insist it's not necessary to strip the bed, if he's at that moment playing a computer game or something. He probably needs to be talked through it, maybe say, "Pause your game, it will still be there in five minutes' time, then if you like I will work with you to re-make your bed later on after it's all aired."

    I would also talk to him about adult diapers at night (or similar). He may be horrified at the suggestion, but all options shouldbe on the table.

    There should be no shame in any of this - if he feels it's all too hard then he will stop trying, and at the same time get nasty and defiant about it (implying that it IS in his control and he chooses to be nasty). He needs to see there is a good solution further down the road - and so do you.

    I think at the moment with husband seeming to be as supportive as a strand of limp spaghetti, it would be very easy for your anger at husband to be sent through the roof by difficult child's problem behaviour. This increases the challenge of trying to handle him in a more Ross Greene kind of way.

    Hang in there. It's hard right now, I do understand (even if what I've been describing above make it seem as if I think it's all really easy). The best you can do is try, and to also build in your own escape hatch.

    At worst - detach, hand it all to husband. If he copes - you win. If he doesn't cope - you win, because he should better understand what it's doing to you.

  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Marg. I know, detach, detach, detach.
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    by the way, I printed out an Asperger's questionnaire and just emailed the teacher to see if she could fill it out.
  18. Josie

    Josie Active Member


    I hope you will take this in the spirit it is intended and not be offended.

    You say that difficult child is guaranteed to wet the bed after having pizza (wheat and milk). You are letting him have a Reese's peanut butter cup (with milk) every day if he makes his bed. If he really has a problem with wheat and milk, giving him these foods, even as a treat, is undermining his whole ability to be his best. Honestly, you might not even need therapy for behaviour management if you eliminate these foods strictly.

    If my daughter has even 1 M&M, she turns back into a difficult child, sometimes to the point of raging. She is disrespectful, defiant, mean, and violent. No discipline works. Without milk and gluten, she is a pleasure to be around. She's off from her medications and she is out of therapy. We do have to read every label and avoid anything with traces of wheat or milk. We hardly ever eat out because of cross contamination and when we do, it is at places that understand the whole gluten issue. It is inconvenient but it is better than dealing with a difficult child.

    You might have the answer to 1/2 of your problem in your son's diet.

    The problems with your husband are a separate matter but would probably be less of an issue if difficult child were not such a problem.

    Good luck, whatever you decide to do.
  19. tryinghard

    tryinghard New Member


    I only want to send you a big HUG....hang in there. difficult child's and husband's can make you feel like giving up sometimes.....
    I am sure they both need you a lot but it is hard to give when you have no strength left.

    I wish you better days!! HUGS
  20. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I agree.