If only someone had the answer

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Fairy peach1, Nov 27, 2017.

  1. Fairy peach1

    Fairy peach1 New Member

    I am 18 years old and for 2 years of my life I have found it almost impossible to feel general happiness, it’s very hard to explain the events of the last two years of my life as so much as happened, however I feel I have to try as I don’t know where else to turn.

    When I was 16 years old I was very happy and motivated, after finishing school with not very great results however being at collage for a while studying beauty therapy and for the first time in my life having a sense of achievement. I also had been with my boyfriend for a year and we were in a very happy place, this is where it all goes wrong..
    My brother who is 19 at this point had been in a relationship for a 3 years, it’s a relationship that the rest of my family weren’t to fund of due to the way the girl treated brother, she came across as very abusive, we all had tried to get through to him however he said he loved her and we needed to respect that in order to keep him in our life’s. For a very long time he was very delusional to how awful she could be to him, I feel That I understand the most out of my family what she was really like towards him as my room and his room was one big room with a thin wall dividing it, for years I saw her emotional rip him to shreds, he was so forgiving of all of her abuse for so long that his anger built up very slowly and I watched my brother literally disappear, because of the way she was my brother couldn’t handle his drink as she would wind him up and get him in to such a mess that he’d be aggressive beyond belief.. towards the end of there relationship not long after I turned 17 my brother really was starting to see her for who she really is, he started to come sit in my room and unload to me explaining how he’s in debt cause he brought her a phone and she ran a bill and wouldn’t pay or help him pay, me and my brother became close, I wanted to be there for him more then anything in the world yet at such a young age I felt/ still feel terrified, it’s felt out of my hands and instantly began to feel pressure knowing I couldn’t help and did not want to dump anything on my mum as she just worries to much to deserve to deal with this, straight away all my hopes dreams and motivation slip away slowly due to the way I felt affected knowing what he was going through and felt like know one could help. I continue to make sure I am there for him as I watch there relationship hit beyond toxic and soon enough, she cheated on him and that was it she wanted the guy she cheated with, she left him. That day she flipped a switch on my brother and I haven’t seen him since, the day she left he started to take drugs, he through him self at anything he could get and would just say he’s escaping his feelings, this frightened me for the start, I didn’t know much about drugs, not at this point anyway. By the end of my collage year I had completed the first course of beauty but it didn’t really mean muchat this point as I couldn’t feel my self functioning correctly anymore I became full of anxiety; growing up I was always shy and a bit anxious however I began to experience anxiety’s like never before. I began to feel very depressed stopped eating correctly as just started to feel sick constantly. Over that summer my brother started to drugs everyday and obsessing over them I’d see him in unexplainable states on things such as ecstasy pills/cocaine and acid I felt as if the whole world was on my shoulders I felt so much sympathy for him and my heart hurt for him, at the end of summer he stopped showing up for work my parents became very worried and tried to be there however he absolutely did not want to speak to them, his drug behaviour, debts started to show. My dad (his step dad, however raised him from one as his only dad left) very fast became frustrated with the behaviour as he didn’t want threatening behaviour in the house hold, my brother turned completely against my dad and began to cut him off completely , this was also a very similar thing that happened between my brother and younger sister. She also choosing not to accept his behaviour as time goes on, they are with In there rights because he has been very unfair with them and threatening this cause an unseen divide in my family as my mum and I just want him to be happy and healthy, after a year of my brother constantly consuming all kinds of different I became very depressed and dropped out collage and lost a lot of weight and cut off all my friends seeing him destroy him self was destroying me, I couldn’t bare knowing everything I do about him constantly imagine myself in his shoes, there were many things my mum didn’t know yet I felt trapped and like know one could save me, seeing how broken my mum was making it impossible to speak to her and I didn’t have anyone I could turn to other then my boyfriend. After a long time of loading my stress of on him it began to affect our relationship massively, my boyfriend began to have strong feelings of unspoken hate towards my brother as he could see what it was doing to me, I had a part time job and my money was going to him to help him with his drug habit because he’d say stuff to me like he’d kill him self if he can’t get any, over time he became very manipulating towards me cause he knew what lengths is go to for him. After so long my dad and mum could no longer deal with my brother being in the house hold, bringing drugs inton the house, not paying board,not talking to them at all and then getting arrested for the possession of drugs, my mum didn’t want him around me and my sister anymore as she could see the affects it was having on us both, she payed rent for him to live in a bed sit, this broke my heart as well as being the sense of relief I needed. My brother only took this as an opportunity to get more into the drug world and started to deal, I began to see him a lot less and started to understand the affects that this had all had on me properly for the first time this made it very easy to avoid him. I would go and see him with my boyfriend as rarely as I could get away without seeming like I didn’t care. I felt a lot of resentment towards him while he was constantly wrecked out his face when I’d see him and be rude to me, his behaviour has changed massively because of drugs and had become very selfish, I would go home to a mum that’s broken every time blaming herself for his actions and the other casualties he’d caused, this to this day is the hardest thing for me is seeing how lost my mum is over it. I Managed to find a full time in nursing, something that I wanted to do for a while, I cut my brother off almost completely in order to be able to deal with this job as I felt very weak and vulnerable to falling back in to the state of sleepless nights and anxiety and just couldn’t risk making thing harder for my self then they needed to be, my my mum also strongly advised me to do this as she was worried I couldn’t do it. I started with a very severe anxiety that made everyday a battle of fear of the real world but I did and I stood up to my anxiety slowly but surely with the amazing support of my boyfriend who pushed me everyday to make it and for the first time in so long I’m proud of my self feeling like I’m succeeding and achieving in so much, I’m training to hopefully become a full nurse and am building my life back up.
    Then I began to get texts and missed calls from my brother asking to see him and saying he needs me, I avoid it as long as I can and the messages began to get more manipulating like ‘I’m lonely and I’ll do something to my self’ so I gave in and started to see him again with in just a few times of seeing him again he needed me to pay his rent cause of drug debts and asking for to much off my mum, at the time the money didn’t matter to me I couldn’t bare seeing him so worried about his rent our imagine what he would do to pay it. He instantly came across as ungrateful towards me and I became very angry and it showed a lot in my relationship and started the stress again. In the last 4/5 months my brother has been on bail for the possession of drugs and intent to sell, he was kicked out his flat and bailed to our home address. With in 2 days of being here he had been threatening towards me while holding a knife towards his throat and threatening to kill him self in front of me, my parents weren’t home however my younger sister had heard what he was saying to me and left the house in fear and called my mum crying I could hear her out side, she didn’t think she was being load, my brother was in a psychotic state, so he says due to with drawing from Valium and something he calls DFs, I was frightened he would here her outside crying and kick off even more and I didn’t want to take that risk with a knife, I started shouting at him begging him to stop hoping he wouldn’t here her, he went to the toilet and I grabbed the knife from his room and ran outside I couldn’t do this anymore my mum and dad camee rushing home I got in the car with my sister and cried and said I can’t go back in there when he’s there it was all to much.
    My mum took him to my grans (her mum) she didn’t want to involve her parents but we became to short of choices after three moths of him living there my grandparents can nog longer handle him and my mum has to bring him home as we were unable to find anyone to accept him to rent on his bail terms for the last month my brother has been home and I feel my self slipping back in to depression I’m always arguing with my boyfriend due to my brother being so needy for lifts and money I feel my self still feeling sorry for him yet he’s so selfish and physically can’t understand the hurt he’s caused. My mum has completely shut herself away now my sister and dad don’t talk to my brother and he don’t talk to them and yet again he won’t levae me alone or give me any space, I feel very trapped so much has happened in 2/3 years and there’s nothing I can actually do to help my mum, my brother anyone I can’t even help myself. He’s looking at 3-6 years in prison, I wonder if it will be for the best for him or will only make him worse if he gets in with the wrong people as he’s easily influenced. I also worry he will kill him self he has a temper that could make him cross that line weather it’s what he truly wants or not. He was bailed again a week ago till December the 10th I can only hope he goes down sooner rather then later as I can’t Carry on dealing with this I need time I need to do what’s best for me for a while, just writing this out has helped me.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. I am sorry for all this. Most of us were/are parents of adult children with drug addiction. Unfortunately, your brother sensed you are a kind, vulnerable target and you took on a parental role with him at a very young age. This is hard even for mature adults and you were just a kid when this started.

    You are not responsible for your brother's horrible choices. You cant help him or change him. Only he can do that. I would stop dealing with his stuff. It just keeps him using you and it is making you sick. You have to love and care for yourself first. I know this probably sounds selfish. When I first heard this, i was horrified. But the truth is, we are not strong for anyone else if we dont value ourselves.

    Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for a loved one who is making bad decisions, esecially addiction, is to walk away. Rescuing the person who is addicted encourages that person to keep using drugs AND to keep calling YOU for help. When you feel bad and give in, that is enabling the addict. And it stems from something called codependency. You are a good person so you feel desperate to fix your loved one and cant get away without feeling guilt. Three suggestions for you.

    Get your hands on the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and read every word. Every single word. Drink it all in. Then go to the Parent Emeritus forum and this Substance Abuse forum nd read the questions and answers. Read, read, read. You will gain much wisdom. Third, join Al Anon. You need real time help. You need to stop feeling that it is your responsibility to save your family members. You cant do it. Only the person can save himself/herself. But addicts are manipulative and will tell you that their life is in your hands. It isnt. Their life is in their hands only. Next time your brother threatens suicide call 911 and back off. He is probably just trying to make you do something for him. Just to be safe, call professional help. Dont play that mean game.

    I hope you can learn from our experiences. Perhaps therapy would help you too. Keep osting. We are always here, 24/7.

    And, yes, prison may help him, but that is up to him, not you. Moving to your own place may be needed so you can get hrlp and heal from all the trauma.

    Love and hugs. Others will answer too.
     
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    Last edited: Nov 27, 2017
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    only your brother can save himself. in the states there is mental health and there is also drug treatment in prison. also narcotics anon. prisoners often can go to college. there is a chapel. there are libraries.

    no other person has the resources to solely save another. particularly family members.

    the best thing you can do for your brother and yourself is to thrive. to nurture your strengths and to protect yourself.

    that is true for all of us. we can learn.
     
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2017
  4. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Welcome FP

    Ian sorry you find yourself here but I am happy that you found us.

    It is always so heart wrenching when the disease of addiction has such a negative impact on our loved ones.

    I know you fear jail for your brother, however, it is recently where my son finally after 3 plus years of escalating drug use detoxed and finally realized he had a Substabce abuse issue.

    You may indeed benefit from Naranon. They have meetings on line.

    Ther are also many self help books on detachment and learning not to be codependent with the loved one who had a drug problem. We need to learn how to move and yet not enable our addicted loved one.

    As many who are here will tell you. This is not an easy process, nor is it a path any of us want to be on. Yet here we are just the same.

    Take care of yourself and stand out of your brothers way. Set food boudaries and do not let him manipulate or abuse you.

    I do hope he sees the tragedy of his ways and seeks help soon. You did not cause this, you can not control this nor can you Cure it.

    Hang in there and be good to yourself.
     
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  5. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    Hi. I’m glad you found this forum.

    You have given so much and had even more taken from you. You are a caring daughter and sister.

    You also seem to be wise to the disease. Understanding that most of it is manipulation, is so much of the battle. But so is stepping away, so you can no longer be on his list of reasons why he still justifies using.

    You will always love him and wish him better. But he has to get better to be a brother to you.

    Also, it would be helpful to discuss these things with a professional, if you don’t already.

    I was in your exact shoes in my teens, with my brother, and I did not get therapy about it, until I had teens of my own. I didn’t realize how much those years informed aspects of my life. I should have worked through the issues, as I was experiencing them.
     
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  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Sorry to hear this.

    You are carrying a burden that is not yours to carry. Your brother's girlfriend treated him horribly and broke up with him. That is no reason to use drugs. A lot worse things happen to people and they do not turn to drugs. Nothing justifies drug use. Nothing.

    You need to let him know you love him and you want him to get help and then begin to detach and take care of yourself. You cannot make him revert back to who he was before all of this started. He is the only one that can change himself.

    We've all had to learn that the hard way but it is the truth.

    We are here for you. Stay strong!
     
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