I am 18 years old and for 2 years of my life I have found it almost impossible to feel general happiness, it’s very hard to explain the events of the last two years of my life as so much as happened, however I feel I have to try as I don’t know where else to turn. When I was 16 years old I was very happy and motivated, after finishing school with not very great results however being at collage for a while studying beauty therapy and for the first time in my life having a sense of achievement. I also had been with my boyfriend for a year and we were in a very happy place, this is where it all goes wrong.. My brother who is 19 at this point had been in a relationship for a 3 years, it’s a relationship that the rest of my family weren’t to fund of due to the way the girl treated brother, she came across as very abusive, we all had tried to get through to him however he said he loved her and we needed to respect that in order to keep him in our life’s. For a very long time he was very delusional to how awful she could be to him, I feel That I understand the most out of my family what she was really like towards him as my room and his room was one big room with a thin wall dividing it, for years I saw her emotional rip him to shreds, he was so forgiving of all of her abuse for so long that his anger built up very slowly and I watched my brother literally disappear, because of the way she was my brother couldn’t handle his drink as she would wind him up and get him in to such a mess that he’d be aggressive beyond belief.. towards the end of there relationship not long after I turned 17 my brother really was starting to see her for who she really is, he started to come sit in my room and unload to me explaining how he’s in debt cause he brought her a phone and she ran a bill and wouldn’t pay or help him pay, me and my brother became close, I wanted to be there for him more then anything in the world yet at such a young age I felt/ still feel terrified, it’s felt out of my hands and instantly began to feel pressure knowing I couldn’t help and did not want to dump anything on my mum as she just worries to much to deserve to deal with this, straight away all my hopes dreams and motivation slip away slowly due to the way I felt affected knowing what he was going through and felt like know one could help. I continue to make sure I am there for him as I watch there relationship hit beyond toxic and soon enough, she cheated on him and that was it she wanted the guy she cheated with, she left him. That day she flipped a switch on my brother and I haven’t seen him since, the day she left he started to take drugs, he through him self at anything he could get and would just say he’s escaping his feelings, this frightened me for the start, I didn’t know much about drugs, not at this point anyway. By the end of my collage year I had completed the first course of beauty but it didn’t really mean muchat this point as I couldn’t feel my self functioning correctly anymore I became full of anxiety; growing up I was always shy and a bit anxious however I began to experience anxiety’s like never before. I began to feel very depressed stopped eating correctly as just started to feel sick constantly. Over that summer my brother started to drugs everyday and obsessing over them I’d see him in unexplainable states on things such as ecstasy pills/cocaine and acid I felt as if the whole world was on my shoulders I felt so much sympathy for him and my heart hurt for him, at the end of summer he stopped showing up for work my parents became very worried and tried to be there however he absolutely did not want to speak to them, his drug behaviour, debts started to show. My dad (his step dad, however raised him from one as his only dad left) very fast became frustrated with the behaviour as he didn’t want threatening behaviour in the house hold, my brother turned completely against my dad and began to cut him off completely , this was also a very similar thing that happened between my brother and younger sister. She also choosing not to accept his behaviour as time goes on, they are with In there rights because he has been very unfair with them and threatening this cause an unseen divide in my family as my mum and I just want him to be happy and healthy, after a year of my brother constantly consuming all kinds of different I became very depressed and dropped out collage and lost a lot of weight and cut off all my friends seeing him destroy him self was destroying me, I couldn’t bare knowing everything I do about him constantly imagine myself in his shoes, there were many things my mum didn’t know yet I felt trapped and like know one could save me, seeing how broken my mum was making it impossible to speak to her and I didn’t have anyone I could turn to other then my boyfriend. After a long time of loading my stress of on him it began to affect our relationship massively, my boyfriend began to have strong feelings of unspoken hate towards my brother as he could see what it was doing to me, I had a part time job and my money was going to him to help him with his drug habit because he’d say stuff to me like he’d kill him self if he can’t get any, over time he became very manipulating towards me cause he knew what lengths is go to for him. After so long my dad and mum could no longer deal with my brother being in the house hold, bringing drugs inton the house, not paying board,not talking to them at all and then getting arrested for the possession of drugs, my mum didn’t want him around me and my sister anymore as she could see the affects it was having on us both, she payed rent for him to live in a bed sit, this broke my heart as well as being the sense of relief I needed. My brother only took this as an opportunity to get more into the drug world and started to deal, I began to see him a lot less and started to understand the affects that this had all had on me properly for the first time this made it very easy to avoid him. I would go and see him with my boyfriend as rarely as I could get away without seeming like I didn’t care. I felt a lot of resentment towards him while he was constantly wrecked out his face when I’d see him and be rude to me, his behaviour has changed massively because of drugs and had become very selfish, I would go home to a mum that’s broken every time blaming herself for his actions and the other casualties he’d caused, this to this day is the hardest thing for me is seeing how lost my mum is over it. I Managed to find a full time in nursing, something that I wanted to do for a while, I cut my brother off almost completely in order to be able to deal with this job as I felt very weak and vulnerable to falling back in to the state of sleepless nights and anxiety and just couldn’t risk making thing harder for my self then they needed to be, my my mum also strongly advised me to do this as she was worried I couldn’t do it. I started with a very severe anxiety that made everyday a battle of fear of the real world but I did and I stood up to my anxiety slowly but surely with the amazing support of my boyfriend who pushed me everyday to make it and for the first time in so long I’m proud of my self feeling like I’m succeeding and achieving in so much, I’m training to hopefully become a full nurse and am building my life back up. Then I began to get texts and missed calls from my brother asking to see him and saying he needs me, I avoid it as long as I can and the messages began to get more manipulating like ‘I’m lonely and I’ll do something to my self’ so I gave in and started to see him again with in just a few times of seeing him again he needed me to pay his rent cause of drug debts and asking for to much off my mum, at the time the money didn’t matter to me I couldn’t bare seeing him so worried about his rent our imagine what he would do to pay it. He instantly came across as ungrateful towards me and I became very angry and it showed a lot in my relationship and started the stress again. In the last 4/5 months my brother has been on bail for the possession of drugs and intent to sell, he was kicked out his flat and bailed to our home address. With in 2 days of being here he had been threatening towards me while holding a knife towards his throat and threatening to kill him self in front of me, my parents weren’t home however my younger sister had heard what he was saying to me and left the house in fear and called my mum crying I could hear her out side, she didn’t think she was being load, my brother was in a psychotic state, so he says due to with drawing from Valium and something he calls DFs, I was frightened he would here her outside crying and kick off even more and I didn’t want to take that risk with a knife, I started shouting at him begging him to stop hoping he wouldn’t here her, he went to the toilet and I grabbed the knife from his room and ran outside I couldn’t do this anymore my mum and dad camee rushing home I got in the car with my sister and cried and said I can’t go back in there when he’s there it was all to much. My mum took him to my grans (her mum) she didn’t want to involve her parents but we became to short of choices after three moths of him living there my grandparents can nog longer handle him and my mum has to bring him home as we were unable to find anyone to accept him to rent on his bail terms for the last month my brother has been home and I feel my self slipping back in to depression I’m always arguing with my boyfriend due to my brother being so needy for lifts and money I feel my self still feeling sorry for him yet he’s so selfish and physically can’t understand the hurt he’s caused. My mum has completely shut herself away now my sister and dad don’t talk to my brother and he don’t talk to them and yet again he won’t levae me alone or give me any space, I feel very trapped so much has happened in 2/3 years and there’s nothing I can actually do to help my mum, my brother anyone I can’t even help myself. He’s looking at 3-6 years in prison, I wonder if it will be for the best for him or will only make him worse if he gets in with the wrong people as he’s easily influenced. I also worry he will kill him self he has a temper that could make him cross that line weather it’s what he truly wants or not. He was bailed again a week ago till December the 10th I can only hope he goes down sooner rather then later as I can’t Carry on dealing with this I need time I need to do what’s best for me for a while, just writing this out has helped me.