If you think about it -

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Steely, May 22, 2011.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Can you send some cyber strength my way?

    In addition to all that is going on with Matt (noted in the PE section) I also still have 3 huge things looming over my head. Truthfully I was feeling so much better, and now I am going back to feeling numb and dumb inside, if you know what I mean. Just unable to do much more than the normal daily functioning.

    My mom's house (my childhood home) did sell. It is a done deal. So I am flying to Dallas in 10 days to help her pack up the rest of the stuff, and say goodbye to the house. I wouldn't have thought losing a house was such a big deal - but it turns out it is to me. I am really sad about it - I guess because it was always "my house" to come home to, although I never moved back in after I moved out. Still, it was an anchor, just as my Dad was an anchor, only in a different way. Talk about the rapture - it sometimes feels like something is just scooping up large chunks of my life and spreading it amongst the heavens. It is an unsettling, cold feeling - and sad.

    The second thing I have to do is go to Oregon at the beginning of July and scatter my Dad's ashes with my sisters. I can't tell you how hard this is going to be for me. I am still not actually sure I can do this - but I know I can. It is just the thought of hiking to the top of that mountain and not only saying goodby and grieving over my dad, but also my sister again. I still have so much pain about her, and I try to keep it at an arm's length - but in this experience it will impossible to keep the pain away.

    The third thing is then figuring out the rest of my life. I have lived in this vortex of being fired, my dad's death and the aftermath for almost 9 months now. I know I have to move on. Literally. I have to either pick a state and move and then find a job or vice a versa. But this town is not working for me and unemployment, nor do I think it works for Matt and his severe need for psychological help. That thought is a large looming albatross - and for now I am stuck.

    Any, thanks for the insight and support regarding all of this.
    Last edited: May 22, 2011
  2. ML

    ML Guest

    I'm sending positive vibes and love your way. May you gain clarity and focus.. and feel guided by your higher power as you move forward.
  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending many hugs and good thoughts, Steely.
  4. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    You're in my thoughts a lot, Steely... I'll continue to keep you there.
  5. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    Sending as must strength as I can muster up for you Steely ... Take Care darlin'
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Saying prayers and sending hugs.
  7. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    This will most likely be healing for you. Once you spread your dad's ashes with H's, you'll know that he's there to keep her company - in your heart and mind, both of them will once again be together - watching over you, guiding and protecting you. Keep your eye open for pennies from heaven on your way up the trail and around you for the time after you scatter the ashes. Peace (should you accept it!) will follow you home...I just feel it.

    Warm, gentle hugs,

  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Steely -

    May it help to know you are not alone. Some of us have been there. Some of us are there now, too... maybe a different combination, but... we understand a little tiny bit - not the exact combination, but some of the feelings, including not knowing which road to take from here.

    More {{hugs}}
  9. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Even though I haven't been around I always keep track of you on FB and think of you... I am here for a bit longer , down in the SW, seriously if you want to visit. But not for long.
    I will post when I get the energy...
    I am so sad for all of your struggles over the years. You are a strong woman, like always the bending willow in the wind.
    You will get through this as well.
  10. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Oh - I have missed you SO much toto!!!! I hope you will be able to find the time to visit us more often!!:) Hugs to you and the girls - where are you moving?

    Thank you - I think of myself as a willow too:) My favorite tree. I know I will get through it as always, I am just tired. Very, very tired of some issue always being right around the corner. I want peace.
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sending hugs and strength. You have been through so much in the last few years that the fact that you are still coherent at all is incredible and inspiring. Go easy on yourself, you have been through some of the most traumatic things a person can experience in the last few years. I hope a new job and home will bring peace and solace and satisfaction to you and to your son.