Not sure if any of you remember me, I used to post here. We managed to get Juan Carlos to a level that we felt we could manage, and I guess we tried to pretend everything would be okay. We had spent a year or so with four different doctors, two of them psychiatrists for the children's hospital, and then we kind of took a break. Now he's on doctor number 5. His behavior has gradually escalated, and I think he is somewhat seasonally affected now that we've had sufficient time to look back. He's five and has tried Depakote which didn't help him, and Ritalin which made him worse. We settled on Clonidine which we would only give to him when he was extremely hyper. It didn't help with the raging but for a while we were able to manage the less frequent rages okay. Not anymore. They have become increasingly violent, and are happening daily now. We don't have official diagnoses but the one that seems to stick, and that my gut is telling me also, is BiPolar (BP). He definitely has hyperactivity as well, and probably some ODD. Luckily the doctor was able to witness some of his nasty behavior, though he wasn't violent with the doctor. Usually he's angelic for the doctors, so I was glad for the misbehavior (jumping on everything, invading personal space, growling, defiance) which the doctor seemed to think was pretty severe... if only he could see a rage! It would take a novel for me to write what all we've been dealing with. I am homeschooling him, which is going pretty well, and I'm thankful I have the ability to do it, because I know that public school would not be going well for us about now. I know in my heart that he needs medications, but it's so hard not to second guess it when there are so many people to tell you that you are damaging your child. What's worse though, that or the negative feedback he gets constantly and the danger that he poses to himself and others. He has started saying he wants to kill himself, run away, or he yells for me to kill him when he's angry. He will punch me in the back and say he likes to hurt me. The doctor has prescribed Seroquel, which makes me a bit nervous, but we're pretty much desperate at this point. He's been taking it for one day, and we had no rage today, so I'm not sure if it's a coincidence or the medication. The doctor has also strongly suggested locking him in his room during timeouts, and he taught me a new restraining technique because he said he felt sorry for me (numerous times). I definitely felt validated at the doctor for the first time, but at the same time a little offended that he felt sorry for me... I guess though when you haven't seen the sweet side of a difficult child they are not much to get excited about. Anyway... I sort of abandoned this site for a while because I needed to feel normal, but I guess I need to accept that I'm in this for the long haul.