I'm back...and nothing much as changed, except... (excrutiatingly long)

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Robinboots, Feb 24, 2011.

  1. Robinboots

    Robinboots New Member

    ...he's 18 now.

    I'm beside myself, don't know what to do.

    In a nutshell:

    As a child, my son lied, had issues with school, kids, destruction, etc.

    As a young teen, he was "jumped" a few times, told bigger lies more often, got into porn, and started blowing off school.

    At 15, to recap, he went nuts, got violent, skipped class, lied some more, started running off. We put him in counseling, met with teachers, he made false reports (2) saying we beat him. We did intensive home therapy through the state. Sent him to military school, with more counseling. He pulled a hunger strike, more violent behavior, more running away on breaks and over the summer. Sent him back. He was involved with alcohol; he may have sent a building on fire; he ordered tasers online and used them on other students. His grades, however, came up a bit. Sigh.

    At 16, he was expelled from military school. We gave him the option of working and getting his GED and starting college in the summer/fall, or going to the alternative high school. He got a job, but put off his GED for six months. In the meantime, he started in again with the violent behavior, destruction, tampered with my computer and almost started a fire, and running away. He assaulted me and spent 3 weeks in detention, then was put on probation.

    A week later, he got physical with his dad and was taken back to detention. He called me to pick him up and I refused. The next morning, I received a call that they were taking him into protective custody - he claimed his dad beat him up. For a month he was in a shelter; the judge ruled BS on the beating, but left the kid in foster care for six months. The social workers were on crack, on something.... We did more counseling. He was tested. They said there was nothing wrong, must be my parenting.

    In foster care, he learned all about how the "other half" lives and now seems to prefer hanging with losers, heavy drinkers, and general scum. Sorry, but sheesh....

    After he left foster care and came home, a counselor told me he had showed Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) tendencies on his testing. But they also said it was "too late" to put him in residential because he was almost 17.

    At 17, I was finally able to take him to a psychiatrist. He was diagnosis with CD and put on Risperdal for violent behavior. He sometimes took it. And, that semester, he was in college...but seldome went to class or did any work. He did, however, manage to spend all the Pell refund on stupid things.

    We sold him our car, we tried to get him to continue his education; he did work. Then, a couple months later, he started taking off again...even though still on probation. He'd been back in court a few times, the judge kept on probation and gave him more community service. He started breaking into the family farm, having drinking parties and people (girls) staying overnight, shooting out windows, trashing the place, having bonfires.

    We repossessed the car. He took off. Went to stay with his former foster parents. Came home once or twice, demanding money. The last time, he refused to leave and refused to allow me to leave. I got an RO.

    Nov 5, he called me. He wanted to come home. He said and did all the right things. At first. He agreed with everything, all our advice. At first. Then he started staying out all night. He took the Pell money, again, but never went to class. He runs around all the time, overnight. Yes, he's now 18. He lies about everything. In less than 3 months he's managed to spend $1500 in grant money, plus income from both jobs, plus at least one $500 credit card. He's made one car payment to us, $250, and gone back on every.single.agreement. Has been kicked out of two of five classes for NEVER showing up.

    So, armchair diagnosis? And advice? PLEASE.
  2. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Hey Bootsie!

    WHats shakin!

    WOW - It has not been a great three years for you has it? (like the goat on the aflack commercial says - nah, nah, nah)

    Except for the school, and Pell grant - and driving - this could be us. Oh with the foster care, and accusations. Yep. When Dude told the school I beat him up? It was almost laughable. I apparently burned his clothes, threw away his books, and punched him in the eye. You missed the reunion - but in boots I'm nearly 6' tall and I used to box - so when I showed up at the school? The resource office was rounding the corner with my son and I heard "We will get to the bottom of this assault son, and if your Mother punched you she will be going to jail." and I thought "MY word! Someones Mother punched their child in the what? How awful." and around the corner here comes MY son and a 4'11" police officer. I said "YOU??! You told her?! I punched YOU?" OMG I was livid. Then I laughed and said "Officer I used to box - if I hit him it would have knocked him out AND left a mark. I would never hit my son.' Then DF turned and looked at him and just shook his head. Officer said "He also said you threw away his books and burned his clothes." DF handed over the books in a book bag and said "These books? Your clothes are in the car."

    So yeah - been there done that - and what we did after foster care didn't work out? Well - we had a chance to throw him out on the streets - and said "Oh that's too harsh." I mean it would have meant living in the park or the mens shelter. So we sat down and drew up a contract, with our therapist as a mediator, everyone signed it. Life was great for about THREE HOURS. Then all hades blew loose and it was the DUDE SHOW. It was like a square dance being called -
    Things were up
    Things were down
    Apologies Momma - all around....
    I'll go out
    You'll stay in
    Then it will start all over again.

    So eventually? We put him on a bus and sent him where ever he wanted to go and claimed peace over our house. And the place? Well Ya kinda get tired of hearing about HOW they are going to go live with (Name anyone else but you) and how great it will be. So that's where he got the ticket to. Actually we got him a train ticket to see his biofather (yes my x satan) it was his one and only HEARTS DESIRE. He was back in three weeks - with a puppy, courtesy of my x's cousin's truck. Then that lasted - ohhhhh i dunno a month - and when the fit hit the shan - We got him one more train ticket - and said - HAVE A NICE LIFE - and meant it.

    The lessons have been hard. He's jumped felony probation - had 3 months left to do - and said )(#$)( - because daddy knew more than we did - three years probation down the toilet. THREE lousy months. Now he hates it there, wishes he had listened, Dad is a (can't say that language here), begs to come home - will even do jail time, (yeah right), and the answer is still NO.

    Personally? Putting him out was the best thing we ever did for him. He's grown up - he calls and is nice. He's realized a lot of things he never did before. He HAS to work - I'm unemployed and have no money to send. I mean - life is tough.

    I dont think no - I KNOW we could not do what we did before again. I'm getting an A+ in detachment. I'll help him anyway he needs help as long as I'm sure he's helping himself - but I want proof.

    No regrets. None. AND he's taking care of his dog better than he ever did. She's first, and he says she keeps him straight because she depends on him. Hows that for responsible.

    Hope you come to some revelations with your own kid.
    DETACH DETACH DETACH. They really can fly if you throw them out of the nest.
    Hugs -
    Good to see you again, sorry under such bad news.
  3. Robinboots

    Robinboots New Member

    Star! So good to connect with you again!! Ah, yes, detachment. It blows. Much like the sleet that started outside AGAIN.

    I think maybe I'm avoiding the whole "time for you to fly, kid" because it will entail deep, dark Mommy guilt. It will be ALL MY FAULT. Again.

    And I'm sorry, too, about your thingy...sounds really familiar!
  4. Robinboots

    Robinboots New Member

    So, what? Just say: look, J, it's not working out. You agreed to____________, and you haven't done ____________. So, good luck...see ya around?