I'm done

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Nancy, Dec 1, 2010.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    difficult child was dismissed from the outpatient program today. Evidently she smoked pot with her ex boyfriend Sunday night, the night before starting her outpatient program again. They do not feel outpatient is right for her and want her to go to the sober house. She talked to them and they are calling her back tomorrow so she can get the details.

    She is either going to the sober house or taking her hefty garbage bag suitcases and leaving here by the end of the week. As soon as she leaves our house I will be sending the ex boyfriend's parents a letter letting them know exactly what their son has been doing and then reporting him to the police for drug trafficking.

    Last edited: Dec 1, 2010
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, Nancy. Sending hugs and extra strength.
  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I would be at the end of my rope too, Nancy. I'm sorry :(

  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    She's decided to go live with the girl who she got drunk with a couple weeks ago. This girl lives in a house that is in foreclosure and the rest of her family moved to Florida. She has five bags packed with everything in her room and bathroom. My stomach is in knots and I am terrified of what will become of her.

  5. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    *HUGS* Nancy.
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    oh, geez....I am really surprised that she is taking this route. HUGS to you- stay as detached as possible- for your own good and MH as well as to reinforce to her that this is ALL her doing, her choices, her life. I know that it's really hard for a mother to do- I am still struggling with that in regards to my own difficult child. She just didn't hit a bottom low enough, I guess, but I'm pretty sure she will eventually. At this point, if I was the mom, I think I'd look at it like she knows where to find an AA/NA meeting if she does hit bottom and many people have to find a way to get straight with those meetings alone so the quicker she's left to delve herself into "the bottom", the better chance she has of making a better choice- but she'd sure be doing it on her own next time if she was my daughter!
  7. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Nancy, I'm just so terribly sorry she's making this choice. I know how terrifying it must be for you to watch her do this. You have opened so many doors for her - she just hasn't been able to go thru them. You will find a balance, a way to deal with it. I found that not asking any questions worked best for me. DADT, basically.

    Many gentle hugs to you. I hope she figures it out.
  8. tawnya

    tawnya New Member

    ((HUGS)), Nancy.

    What does husband have to say about all of this? I know moms usually take it harder.

  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    husband says the same thing I do, that he is very sorry she decided to go down this path and she can no longer live here under these circumstances.

    I wish I had someone to call to sit with me tomorrow when she leaves. It's going to be very hard watching her walk out that door knowing I may never see her again.

  10. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Nancy, I am so so sorry you are going through this. My heart just goes out to you. What I have learned, and need to keep remembering, is that at this point anything you do to "save" her such as letting her live with you, giving her money, is just helping her continue in her bad choices and alcohol and drug use. You are doing absolutely the right thing by telling her she cannot live with you. It will be easier and harder when she is not there. Make sure you find some alanoon meetings to go to, see if you can find some other parents at one of the meeting. You need support for you right now... and of course keep writing here.
  11. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Remember that Rob was homeless through a very cold and snowy winter here in PA. He lived in his car. He and his girlfriend at the time parked it at a rest stop so they could use the facilities and showers. Occasionally they would a sympathetic difficult child who would bunk them down for a night or two, until they wore out their welcome with them, too. It was a terribly scary time for him...and for me. But as stubborn as he is, he needed to live through that experience to know that he never wanted to live through it again.

    I wish I could sit with you tomorrow, Nancy. I'll be sitting with you in spirit.

  12. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Nancy, I am so so sorry she has made these choices. I agree with every one else. You have to step back and let her experience any consequences from her actions. It's hard for sure. You are doing the right thing. Go to Alanon. Post here. We are all here for you!!!!! (((HUGS)))
  13. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    been there done that........it's such a shock to get that call. I have the deepest sympathy for you and your husband. Each of us travel the painful road tht our difficult children choose and each of us has to make decisions based on all the facts presened. My heart breaks for you all and I will continue to send prayers and supportive thoughts your way. Only time will tell if she is capable of utilizing the info she has gained from her programs. Keep seeking outside support for you and the rest of the family left behind. No doubt there will be many upcoming issues and peer support will help you regaining a sense of normalcy. Hugs. DDD
  14. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Thinking of you this morning, Nancy. Gentle hugs.
  15. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nancy, I am sorry. The power of addiction is great. She has to do this on her own.

  16. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I'm so sorry, for all of it. I hope she finds out quick that going back into the old way of living is not going to work for her anymore. Those lessons learned are still with here to help her when she gets fed up with her own choices. Hang in there! Major hugs!
  17. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Nancy, I'm so sorry - I've been away from the board a couple of days and missed this thread - so very sorry. Please check in to let us know how you're doing. Thinking of you tonight
    and sending many warm thoughts and good wishes your way ....
  18. Ephchap

    Ephchap Active Member

    Nancy, so very sorry to read this latest about difficult child. Hopefully, this will be her "bottom" that they all say one has to get to. It's terrifying for us to watch. I'm wrapping my arms around you cyberly, and hoping that you're hanging in there.

  19. barneysmom

    barneysmom Member

    Nancy, how are you? I think about you every day.

    I agree with the others who say it's too early to say what will happen to daughter. She could be headed for redemption, but maybe through a tortuous journey. Maybe not. As someone said above, you and husband opened all the doors for her. Her journey could be long or short -- we just don't know Nancy.

    I'm sorry you have to endure so much grief. You will get through it though. When my son had a psychotic break, I was grieving so hard I had to look it up on the internet to make some kind of sense out of the stunning pain I was feeling. But you will come through to the other side, where the pain and grief don't rule your world.

  20. barneysmom

    barneysmom Member

    Nancy and all -- this is the info on grief that really helped me to understand my process. I've referred to it often since I found it. I found it quite helpful even though bereavement wasn't involved. I really did feel like I was losing my mind, but learning about grief really helped. I loved the statement "It may be the purest pain you have ever known."

    Regarding the "Hostile Reactions" -- one time I was at Barnes and Noble and asked for help, and the bookseller said "It'll be just a minute." All of a sudden I felt such intense rage at him for making me wait. I'll never forget that.


    The work of grief cannot be hurried. It takes a great deal of time, usually a year or more. It may be the purest pain you have ever known.

    The following are stages of grief that are commonly experienced after a loss. You may not experience all of these, and you may not experience them in this order. It is important to realize, however, that what you are feeling is natural and that, with time, you will heal.


    Some people experience shock after a loss, saying things like ““I feel numb”” and displaying no tears or emotions. Sometimes there is denial. Gradually the bereaved become aware of what has happened, and they are able to express their emotions. Other people never go through a prolonged stage of shock. They are able to express emotions immediately.

    Emotional Release

    At some point a person begins to feel and to hurt. It is very important not to suppress your feelings. Suppressed feelings often surface at a later time in unhealthy ways. Shared feelings are a gift, and bring a closeness to all involved.

    Preoccupation with the Deceased or the Crisis

    Despite efforts to think of other things, a grieving person may find it difficult to shift his/her mind from thoughts about the deceased person (or crisis) . This is not unusual and, with time, should not be a problem.

    Symptoms of Some Physical and Emotional Distress

    These distresses may come in waves. The most common physical distresses are:
    • Sleeplessness
    • Tightness in the throat
    • A choking feeling
    • Shortness of breath
    • Deep sighing
    • An empty hollow feeling in the stomach
    • Lack of muscular power (““It’’s almost impossible to climb stairs”” or ““everything I lift seems heavy””)
    • Digestive symptoms and poor appetite

    Closely associated with the physical distresses may be certain emotional alternations, the most common of which are:
    • A slight sense of unreality • Feelings of emotional distance from people - that no one really cares or
    • Sometimes people appear shadowy or very small
    • Sometimes there are feelings of panic, thoughts of self-destruction, or the desire to run away or ““chuck it all””
    These emotional disturbances can cause many people to feel they are approaching insanity, but these feelings are actually quite normal.

    Hostile Reactions

    You may catch yourself responding with a great deal of anger to situations that previously would not have bothered you. The feelings can be surprising and very uncomfortable. They often make people feel that they are going crazy. Anger can be directed at the doctor, the nurse, God, sometimes even at your loved one who died.

    Often, there may be feelings of hurt or hostility toward family members who do not or, for various reasons cannot, provide the emotional support the grieving person may have expected from them. Anger and hostility are normal. Do not suppress your anger. However, it is important that you understand and direct your anger towards what you are really angry at, namely the loss of someone you loved.


    There is almost always some sense of guilt in grief. The bereaved think of the many things they felt they could have done, but didn’’t. They accuse themselves of negligence. These hurts pop up in grief. Guilt is normal and should pass with time.


    Many grieving people feel total despair, unbearable loneliness and hopelessness; nothing seems worthwhile. These feelings may be even more intense for those who live alone or who have little family. These feelings are normal and should also pass with time.


    The grieving person often tends to withdraw from social relationships. Their daily routines are often disrupted as well. Life seems like a bad dream. This is normal and will take some effort to overcome, but the rewards are worthwhile.

    Resolution and Readjustment
    This comes gradually. The memories are still there, the love is still there, but the wound begins to heal. You begin to get on with life. It’’s hard to believe now, but you will feel better. By experiencing deep emotion and accepting it, you will grow warmth, depth, understanding and wisdom.

    Last edited: Dec 5, 2010