HeadlightsMom
Well-Known Member
Echo -- I hear you, feel you, support you. We journey down a similar path. 2 incidents brought a new, helpful paradigm shift to me.
RUSSIAN ROULETTE -- At age 18 (he's now 24), our son was involved in a drug-related game of Russian Roulette. The gun was pointed (by someone else) at his forehead first. Trigger pulled. No bullet. Gun then pointed at another kid's head, trigger pullet, no bullet. The guy pulling the trigger then laughed, pointed gun at his own neck and pulled the trigger. BULLET PRESENT. Shot himself to death in front of our son, not 5 ft away. Our son called and told me. He was extremely apologetic and had a very "brief" period (maybe 2 weeks?) of terror inside him and straightened up. It was a beautiful period for us all, and we're thankful for it -- fleeting, though it was. Then he went right back to drugs, violence, theft, etc. But that moment 6 years ago was pivotal for me. I knew I could lose him. I knew I would, most likely, lose him. Paradigm shift.
COUNSELOR INSIGHT -- About a year ago, I contacted a counselor to address the very same feelings you wrote about in your post. I reached the same point you did. The counselor was fantastic -- very validating and clarifying. I mean, if it wasn't for the fact that these were our kids, who in their right mind would want to spend so much time with them when they bring so much fear, distrust, manipulation, etc? Who? I told the counselor my dilemma was that it felt awful holding onto him and awful letting go of him. It was the LIMBO TUG-OF-WAR that was tearing me up.
The counselor had this idea (to use or discard....my choice):
Our son may very well die young. In fact, if these things remain on current course, he probably will. OUCH! That hurts! But it's true. BUT..............this can be a gift in disguise to know in advance (as it can be a gift in disguise to know about a terminal illness in advance of death). Knowing possibilities in advance means one has the opportunity to say/do everything they want to bring closure. The counselor did not mean closure for our son.... He meant closure for US (the parents).
This was an extremely helpful suggestion for us (my husband and I). It does NOT mean it's the right suggestion for everyone. But, it is for us. Oh, sure, we still "hope" for our son -- in a distant sort of way. But we, like you, do not care to hear details. We do still care that he's alive. But, honestly, I do not think there will be true peace as long as he is. That is SO hard to say out loud!
I believe in love. I believe in forgiveness. I believe in giving a gazillion chances. I believe in compassion. But I also believe in reality and I know his problems/choices are bigger than I can handle. I just have to leave that part up to God.
But, following the counselor's suggestion, I spent some time clarifying what I would want our son to know if he died tomorrow. Wrote it down, then told him face to face -- directly from my heart. He didn't quite know what to do with it. He hugged me and said, "I know." I don't know exactly what that means for him. But I know what it means for me. It means I acted as honorably and lovingly as I could, given brutal life experiences.
And I feel GREAT about that. No matter what his actions are, I feel good about MY actions, MY boundaries, MY decisions....even if he were to die tomorrow. It would leave me with a heavy heart, but I would know that I had closure. Nothing left unsaid.
by the way -- He is our ONLY child.
Echo -- I just re-read your original post on this thread. You have every right to feel as you do. Every right to make healing choices for YOUR life. And, as you can see by this thread, you are soooooo not alone. The word I keep coming back to for all of us parents who live this is............brutal.
It's just BRUTAL.
RUSSIAN ROULETTE -- At age 18 (he's now 24), our son was involved in a drug-related game of Russian Roulette. The gun was pointed (by someone else) at his forehead first. Trigger pulled. No bullet. Gun then pointed at another kid's head, trigger pullet, no bullet. The guy pulling the trigger then laughed, pointed gun at his own neck and pulled the trigger. BULLET PRESENT. Shot himself to death in front of our son, not 5 ft away. Our son called and told me. He was extremely apologetic and had a very "brief" period (maybe 2 weeks?) of terror inside him and straightened up. It was a beautiful period for us all, and we're thankful for it -- fleeting, though it was. Then he went right back to drugs, violence, theft, etc. But that moment 6 years ago was pivotal for me. I knew I could lose him. I knew I would, most likely, lose him. Paradigm shift.
COUNSELOR INSIGHT -- About a year ago, I contacted a counselor to address the very same feelings you wrote about in your post. I reached the same point you did. The counselor was fantastic -- very validating and clarifying. I mean, if it wasn't for the fact that these were our kids, who in their right mind would want to spend so much time with them when they bring so much fear, distrust, manipulation, etc? Who? I told the counselor my dilemma was that it felt awful holding onto him and awful letting go of him. It was the LIMBO TUG-OF-WAR that was tearing me up.
The counselor had this idea (to use or discard....my choice):
Our son may very well die young. In fact, if these things remain on current course, he probably will. OUCH! That hurts! But it's true. BUT..............this can be a gift in disguise to know in advance (as it can be a gift in disguise to know about a terminal illness in advance of death). Knowing possibilities in advance means one has the opportunity to say/do everything they want to bring closure. The counselor did not mean closure for our son.... He meant closure for US (the parents).
This was an extremely helpful suggestion for us (my husband and I). It does NOT mean it's the right suggestion for everyone. But, it is for us. Oh, sure, we still "hope" for our son -- in a distant sort of way. But we, like you, do not care to hear details. We do still care that he's alive. But, honestly, I do not think there will be true peace as long as he is. That is SO hard to say out loud!
I believe in love. I believe in forgiveness. I believe in giving a gazillion chances. I believe in compassion. But I also believe in reality and I know his problems/choices are bigger than I can handle. I just have to leave that part up to God.
But, following the counselor's suggestion, I spent some time clarifying what I would want our son to know if he died tomorrow. Wrote it down, then told him face to face -- directly from my heart. He didn't quite know what to do with it. He hugged me and said, "I know." I don't know exactly what that means for him. But I know what it means for me. It means I acted as honorably and lovingly as I could, given brutal life experiences.
And I feel GREAT about that. No matter what his actions are, I feel good about MY actions, MY boundaries, MY decisions....even if he were to die tomorrow. It would leave me with a heavy heart, but I would know that I had closure. Nothing left unsaid.
by the way -- He is our ONLY child.
Echo -- I just re-read your original post on this thread. You have every right to feel as you do. Every right to make healing choices for YOUR life. And, as you can see by this thread, you are soooooo not alone. The word I keep coming back to for all of us parents who live this is............brutal.
It's just BRUTAL.